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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend has made me feel disgusting for having a cold sore, who is BU?

301 replies

PandorasCrocs · 16/09/2019 11:53

Video call to a man I've been dating last night and I mentioned having a cold sore on my lip that was slightly annoying. He reacted in judgement, made me feel frankly disgusting and said he thought I would have told him I get cold sores. He's concerned etc. Do I get them elsewhere.

I've had two in my entire life, cue me telling him to do some research because it's very common and it's not an STD.

Aibu to be hurt by his ignorant reaction or is he BU? He's made me feel quite dirty to be honest.

Are you supposed to disclose to a new partner that you've ever had a cold sore?

I'm a bit WTF to be honest. It has soured the mood and I'm due to see him this evening.

OP posts:
rhos · 16/09/2019 11:57

This reply has been deleted

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RushianDisney · 16/09/2019 11:57

Are cold sores not a type of herpes? Pretty sure that is what was taught in sex ed. I would want to know if someone I was seeing had a lifelong disease that could easily be spread to me. But if it has annoyed you that he is concerned then he probably isn't the man for you.

CodenameVillanelle · 16/09/2019 11:59

FFS it's just a cold sore. However I wouldn't be seeing someone I was only dating if I had one, you can't kiss him and they look nasty.

Heyboyo · 16/09/2019 11:59

Cold sores are very common. I’d tell him to fuck off

Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 16/09/2019 11:59

HSV1 yes the oral type. Genital herpes is HSV2

It's not the fact he was concerned it was the way he reacted he was quite cutting

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 16/09/2019 12:00

There are several types of herpes. He is thinking of genital herpes which is different. Ignorance

Etino · 16/09/2019 12:00

There’s a link between cold sores and herpes simplex. Hence his reaction, mentioning it in passing as you did is like dropping into the conversation you’ve got crabs.

littlepaddypaws · 16/09/2019 12:00

sorry but must admit i'd want to know prior too. maybe it's theway he worded it that was clumsy or rude

GinDaddy · 16/09/2019 12:00

@rhos

that's nice and helpful....

Feduppluckingmychinhairs · 16/09/2019 12:01

How the fuck can a cold sore be compared to a lifelong disease??

HopefullyAnonymous · 16/09/2019 12:01

mentioning it in passing as you did is like dropping into the conversation you’ve got crabs

It really isn’t.

adaline · 16/09/2019 12:02

It's difficult because they are a type of herpes. And technically the oral kind can be transmitted to the genitals if you give someone oral sex while you have an open sore.

DH has them and while I don't mind as he was honest with me from day one (he's had them since childhood) - I wouldn't be happy if he hadn't been upfront from the beginning.

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 16/09/2019 12:03

He’s a total dick, it’s just a cold sore. So many people get them. It saddens me that people are so poorly educated that they react like he did. I’m sure you feel shit enough as it is about it without being made to feel worse.

SkySmiler · 16/09/2019 12:03

Grow up rhos... Pathetic

Agreed he is an ignorant twat, bullet dodged....

Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 16/09/2019 12:04

See I really didn't see it as a huge problem, many people get cold sores. I wouldn't hide the fact but didn't think it required a prior disclosure especially as the last once I had was in my late teens. My immune system is down at the moment which will be why it has sprung up.

I don't mind questions and concerns but the way he responded has made me feel very dirty as though it's something I've caught from being promiscuous which I'm not.

OP posts:
BinkyandBunty · 16/09/2019 12:04

Cold sores most certainly can be sexually transmitted, and genital herpes can be caused by HSV1.

He's not BU to be grossed out at the idea.

adaline · 16/09/2019 12:05

How the fuck can a cold sore be compared to a lifelong disease??

Because it is one? Herpes is, unfortunately, a lifelong condition that never goes away. It also happens to be extremely contagious.

Artesia · 16/09/2019 12:05

mentioning it in passing as you did is like dropping into the conversation you’ve got crabs.

Really?? Are we supposed to disclose such things very seriously at the outset of a relationship. “Lovely to meet you, I’m Artesia. I get cold sores from time to time”?!

Chicken pic is also part of the heroes family of viruses. Is having chicken pox a bit like having crabs too?

OP- his reaction would really put me off him. It sounds so immature

30to50FeralHogs · 16/09/2019 12:06

Have you given him a BJ recently? That might be why he’s worried.

FWIW cold sores can spread even when you don’t have an active one, and while it’s different from the genital herpes virus, it is possible to spread the cold sore virus onto genitals through oral sex or touching.

FWIW I had a massive argument with my DP many years ago as he had a cold sore and was rubbing it with his finger while we were in bed and then suggested we get frisky. When I was rightly concerned and asked him to wash his hands, he got very upset and defensive and ended up going home as he was so outraged at me ‘shaming him’ for it, whereas I was actually just protecting my own sexual health.

Nobody wants to feel like they are unattractive or unlovable and it’s possibly that you have taken his reaction as being about you, rather than about him. You haven’t said exactly what his reaction was, but I think you need to understand that for those who don’t get cold sores, it’s not something that anyone wants to subject themselves to, especially as the first time is often horrendous, so his reaction is probably purely self preservation rather than disgust at you.

Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 16/09/2019 12:06

I am quite put off to be honest, I've been feeling slightly sad all morning.

OP posts:
flamingjune123 · 16/09/2019 12:06

Exdh suffered from cold sores all his adult life. In the twenty years we were together I didn't catch the virus and neither did the children. He was always careful not to kiss the children around the mouth area whether he had one or not

dementedpixie · 16/09/2019 12:08

Sounds like an asshole tbh. Found this,;

According to the World Health Organization, 3.7 billion people under age 50 have herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV-1) — that’s 67 percent of the global population in that age bracket. Another 417 million people (11 percent) between ages 15 and 49 worldwide have herpes simplex virus type 2 (HSV-2).

My dh gets cold sores but I've never had one and neither have my 2 kids

Artesia · 16/09/2019 12:08

Think 30to50feralhogs might have hit the nail on the head- he’s probably worried about loss of blow job potential.

Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 16/09/2019 12:09

We last had sexual contact a week ago and there was no visible cold sore at the time.

I think I'm better off not dating if cold sores are such a worry for people. Maybe I'm ignorant myself, I don't know.

Like I say he's entitled to be concerned for his own health absolutely but I don't think it's kind to make somebody feel dirty and tainted for something they can't help, and didn't contract through promiscuous behaviour.

OP posts:
adaline · 16/09/2019 12:11

He shouldn't make you feel bad - that's not nice at all and there's no reason you can't have a perfectly happy relationship - including a healthy sex life.

However he is allowed to be concerned about it being transmitted to him. Unfortunately herpes is highly contagious and is easily spread.

When DH has cold sores we don't kiss or anything - he's very careful to keep them to himself!

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