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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend has made me feel disgusting for having a cold sore, who is BU?

301 replies

PandorasCrocs · 16/09/2019 11:53

Video call to a man I've been dating last night and I mentioned having a cold sore on my lip that was slightly annoying. He reacted in judgement, made me feel frankly disgusting and said he thought I would have told him I get cold sores. He's concerned etc. Do I get them elsewhere.

I've had two in my entire life, cue me telling him to do some research because it's very common and it's not an STD.

Aibu to be hurt by his ignorant reaction or is he BU? He's made me feel quite dirty to be honest.

Are you supposed to disclose to a new partner that you've ever had a cold sore?

I'm a bit WTF to be honest. It has soured the mood and I'm due to see him this evening.

OP posts:
nonmerci · 16/09/2019 13:50

They are a form of herpes and you can pass them on during sex if you have a cold sore and have oral sex.

Most of the world has herpes in some form, some people just never have an outbreak. I think coldsores are quite commonplace and not really disgusting at all, he overreacted.

Closetbeanmuncher · 16/09/2019 13:51

@UrsulaPandress

😂😂

IsobelRae23 · 16/09/2019 13:51

Jeez I swear somebody people really need to do a little reading and gain some understanding around cold sores. 🤦‍♀️

OP many people will get none during their lifetime, others just one, then some people get them frequently especially when they are run down or react to ultra violet light. Tell him he’s a knob and to grown up!!

Peanut1980 · 16/09/2019 13:51

@Zebraaa no one is saying anyone is a monster. OP asked a question and I’m just trying to provide some rational to his response. My DH has them and he didn’t tell me and I caught genital herpes.

StarlingsInSummer · 16/09/2019 13:52

I'd want to know if you could feel you had a cold sore developing, before you kissed me. Otherwise, it wouldn't put me off. Because a) a really high percentage of the population has a herpes 1 infection, even if they've never had a cold sore and b) I'm not a dick.

Peanut1980 · 16/09/2019 13:53

My doctor told me it would have been from my DH’s cold sores.

StoppinBy · 16/09/2019 13:53

Cold sores are an STD. There are two types, one that tends to appear on the face and one that tends to appear on the genitals but either can appear at both sites. If they appear at the site where they are not 'happiest' they tend to be less virulent though.

FurrySlipperBoots · 16/09/2019 13:53

I wonder how many of the 'Eeeeek, a cold sore, everybody run!!!' posters would divorce their husbands leaving him with full custody of the children, so as to selflessly protect them, should they themselves develop one.

DarlingNikita · 16/09/2019 13:56

It does sound like he's being moralistic about it. He doesn't sound very nice.

MulticolourMophead · 16/09/2019 13:58

DS (15) gets cold sores, we've never known where from (although I suspect one of my late aunts). He got them from a young age, and in all this time, DD and I have never caught them. It's very, very common.

He's pretty good at the self care needed, I keep the antiviral cream in the cupboard and he uses it as needed, which isn't that often.

AllFourOfThem · 16/09/2019 14:01

Just read the responses on here and you can see why he doesn’t want to catch one and what others (nearly always those who don’t get them) think of those who do.

I think it’s fair enough that he thought he had a right to know from the moment things changed from a casual date to having sex. However, if you’ve only ever had one before and it was many years ago I can understand why you didn’t think of it as something necessary to mention.

I’ve never had one and I have to admit that I wouldn’t be impressed if I started now. I wouldn’t dump someone over them having them but I would want to know they had them and I would expect them to ensure they didn’t pass it on.

autumnkate · 16/09/2019 14:01

This thread is hilarious. It’s just a cold sore fgs. I’ve had them since I was kid. You just need to be careful when you have one (which is hardly ever in a healthy adult).

ScreamingLadySutch · 16/09/2019 14:06

Cold sores are when the chicken pox virus lingers in nerve endings. That is why cold sores are always in the same place.

Under stress and falling immune system, out they come.

Trust your gut OP, his reaction was ignorant (fair enough) and self absorbed (not so). He could have treated you courteously and then found out more.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 16/09/2019 14:06

Cold sores are when the chicken pox virus lingers in nerve endings. That is why cold sores are always in the same place

Are you thinking of shingles?

FindusCrispyPancakes · 16/09/2019 14:10

I’ve had cold sores since being a child (caught from my parents). I never sat my husband down and told him I got them (or any other bf), it wasn’t ever a thing. I obviously don’t kiss him or our children and I’m very careful when I have one (own towel, lots of hand washing etc) but it’s hardly a lifelong debilitating condition. I get them when I’m stressed or run down, so not very often. I obviously don’t want the rest of my family to catch them but it’s only like having a big spot on your lip once a year, if that.

I’d obviously react differently to genital herpes, but that’s a slightly different strain of the virus and obviously an std, although I believe face herpes can be passed down there too though? As long as you are careful as soon as you feel the tingle it’s fine, no need to recoil in horror.

ScreamingLadySutch · 16/09/2019 14:12

He could always have want to meet up and chat? Get to know you better?

FFS. Best not to have sex with people until you really know them.

"Can you get genital herpes from a cold sore?
– Lucy*

Yes — it is possible to get genital herpes from oral sex.

Genital herpes is caused by the herpes simplex virus (HSV). There are two types of herpes viruses — HSV-1 and HSV-2. Genital herpes is usually caused by HSV-2; oral herpes (cold sores) is usually caused by HSV-1.

However, genital herpes can also be caused by HSV-1. Someone with HSV-1 can transmit the virus through oral contact with another person's genitals, anus, or mouth, even if they don't have sores that are visible at the time.

Other than abstinence (not having sex) the best way to help prevent herpes is to use a condom during any type of sex (oral, vaginal, or anal). Girls should have their partners use a dental dam every time they receive oral sex to help protect against genital herpes. And if either partner has a sore, it's best to not have sex until the sore has cleared up."

princessTiasmum · 16/09/2019 14:17

I had chickenpox as a child,and shingles last year,but never had a cold sore ever

BumbleBeee69 · 16/09/2019 14:20

What concerns me about cold sores is the people who have them that don’t realise just how contagious they are

I cannot believe you wrote this Hmm

picklemepopcorn · 16/09/2019 14:21

If you've 'never caught them' from a close family member, you've probably already got them but are asymptomatic.

For goodness sake the ignorance is depressing.

MOST PEOPLE HAVE IT, EVEN IF THEY DONT GET THE SORES!!

Branleuse · 16/09/2019 14:24

I think its one of those things where some people are cool about it and others are horrified.
it is herpes though, and whilst it would likely put me off someone if I wasnt besotted already, I dont think theres any excuse for him being so damn offensive about it.

wamwtf · 16/09/2019 14:24

Loads of people have the cold sore virus. You've all probably kissed someone with it and never known.

It's a totally different strain to the genital kind although it can be passed on during oral sex.

I don't get them but I have friends that do and they can look pretty nasty but his reaction would offend me too.

People really need to educate themselves.

SD1978 · 16/09/2019 14:26

You can pass HSV1 on to genitals if engaging in oral sex, so whilst not 'technically' and STD by WHO standards, I'd want to know if someone had them before we engaged in oral sex. Given 67% of the work population tests positive to HSV1- according to WHO anyway- he probably already has it

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 16/09/2019 14:29

Are you fucking joking me, I need to disclose the fact I get cold sores before dating someone, get fucked am I. It’s nothing to do with STDs I get them from stress and lack of sleep in winter. Sooo, you disclose minor health ailments to your dates, you give them a health questionnaire. Bloody stupid.

Lagatha · 16/09/2019 14:29

I get them.
That is why I left my DH and the children to live the simple life of a hermit on a rock in the North Sea and took a vow of chastity.
You can't be too careful.
Shame on those infected who are still at large.

Hmmmmminteresting · 16/09/2019 14:29

HI OP. I caught hsv1 (oral herpes) but have never had a coldsore in my life. Instead I got it on my genitals. I have no idea who gave it to me or when (married for yrs and dh is completely clear of it) but I have had 6 outbreaks in 4 years and its bloody awful. The std clinic confirmed I have the hsv1 strain and that I've been unlucky. My mum has always suffered with cold sores and if I'm honest this whole experience has turned me a bit mental about them. I make sure she doesn't attempt to kiss my children full stop if she has an outbreak.
Your partner could have been nicer about it but I also think that the herpes virus in general is shit