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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend has made me feel disgusting for having a cold sore, who is BU?

301 replies

PandorasCrocs · 16/09/2019 11:53

Video call to a man I've been dating last night and I mentioned having a cold sore on my lip that was slightly annoying. He reacted in judgement, made me feel frankly disgusting and said he thought I would have told him I get cold sores. He's concerned etc. Do I get them elsewhere.

I've had two in my entire life, cue me telling him to do some research because it's very common and it's not an STD.

Aibu to be hurt by his ignorant reaction or is he BU? He's made me feel quite dirty to be honest.

Are you supposed to disclose to a new partner that you've ever had a cold sore?

I'm a bit WTF to be honest. It has soured the mood and I'm due to see him this evening.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 17/09/2019 09:17

He’s a twat. Dump.

80% of us carry the cold sore virus. It doesn’t present in everyone.

He probably already has it.

Dillydallyingthrough · 17/09/2019 10:08

Please dump him, regardless of the cold sores issue (there as some OTT responses on here) - you're scared of his possible anger/reaction.

Emmapeeler · 17/09/2019 10:24

OP I have had a cold sore this week and I also haven’t had one since my teens (that I can barely remember). DH and I also had ‘sexual relations’ Wink just before I got it. My DH hasn’t got one, nor is he likely to (despite probably carrying the virus) just as he doesn’t get flea bites, eczema, asthma. Some people’s immune system means they get stuff and you have said yourself you are run down atm - just like I am.

You are so worried about this man’s reactions = you need to dump him NOW. My DH, even if he gets one, will not blame me for something I couldn’t have known because he is a normal person. You need to be with someone like this, not someone intent on making you feel like shit then acting like they didn’t a la Rob Titchener. It rings massive alarm bells for me.

messydesk · 17/09/2019 10:56

I know of a little boy who gets Herpes on his forehead. His mum thinks she probably kissed a graze when he fell over at nursery and that's how he got it. According to a lot of you here, he should NOT approach anyone ever with a view to having a relationship as he is 'tainted'. The hysteria on here is mind boggling and sad. Those of you who wouldnt date someone with herpes, if one day you woke up with a blister, are you seriously telling me you would end any relationship you were in and never date again?

ChocolateTea · 17/09/2019 11:07

I was a PP who caught it from a boyfriend showing no outward cold sores. That was 5.5 years ago, and our relationship has survived. In fact more than survived. We had only been together 9 months. But I know he feels guilty every outbreak I have, though I do try to minimise it, and we joke a bit, it's still that he sees me suffering. However, not once have I blamed him - yes the GP was convinced it was him that primary infected me, yes the swabs all came back that way, but God I was a 31 year old woman who had no idea at the time about contagiousness with no outward signs. Turns out he had an ulcer, I had a slight cut from shaving, ergo he passed to me.

Do you honestly think your relationship with this man can cope if he does become infected? There have been tears, days off work, shame (which is silly, but when your undercarriage is raw and sore and bleeding it's inevitable) but there has been support and love and kindness.

You need to break off with him in all honesty.

Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 17/09/2019 11:08

To the PPs who latched on to my wording when I said he will react negatively if he contracts herpes, yes everybody would, but I wouldn't worry about repercussion to this extent if it were an ex or somebody else.

Obviously I don't want to pass it on to anybody, but I have a feeling he will blow up tremendously if I passed it on to him, and I'd then be concerned what he would say or do in response.

Yes I am going to dump him, but if he wakes up with herpes it doesn't bode well for me and it'll look like I've dumped him for that reason I'd have thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 17/09/2019 11:10

Chocolate you sound very understanding, I don't think he is made of the same stuff. No the relationship wouldn't survive and I assume I would be verbally annihilated at the very least.

OP posts:
Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 17/09/2019 11:14

Just to clarify I'm not worried about being physically assaulted, but I would definitely bet on being torn to shreds verbally with no room for explaining it was an accident, I didn't realise etc.

OP posts:
ChocolateTea · 17/09/2019 11:15

Pandora I had a thread on here at the time of diagnosis etc, and it was hard going, but I cannot fault my DP, his actions, or anything since. That's the huge thing. I don't resent him. It wasnt planned, neither of us had a clue (neither of us had much oral sex with previous partners as they didn't like it) and it was just unlucky. It could just have easily been the other way round.

Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 17/09/2019 11:35

Your DP is lucky to have such an understanding partner, I'm in awe of your empathy with your DP as I have a female friend who gets regular HSV1 outbreaks on her genitals and she said it's excruciating at times. So far, I've only ever had two oral outbreaks but my immune system is very compromised at the moment so I'm guessing it won't be the last I see of them

OP posts:
70sWitch · 17/09/2019 15:52

Wait. So he yelled "unclean unclean " at the mere mention of the offending pustule but then, on your next encounter was apparently quite undisturbed to the point he was happy to risk catching your ungodly plague?
Hmmm it's almost as if he WANTS to catch it so he's got something to have a go at you about.

Either way, he's a knob. Who cares if he catches it and acts up about it? Your conscience is clear. Don't let him bother you.

DecomposingComposers · 17/09/2019 16:03

Who cares if he catches it and acts up about it? Your conscience is clear.

Do you think that people shouldn't care about passing on a disease to another person then? Who cares if he catches it? Would you feel like that if you caught genital herpes from a partner who chose to keep it quiet from you then?

Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 17/09/2019 19:40

Well he was frankly vile to me today, calling me a cheating bitch and a slut (neither is true by the way, I haven't done anything wrong) so I couldn't give a toss whether he gets it or not now, he's blocked from my life Smile

OP posts:
ChocolateTea · 17/09/2019 20:02

Blimey, that's a heated exchange from no where! Block and move on, and celebrate a close escape!

DownstairsMixUp · 17/09/2019 20:16

Mumsnet is full of lunatics 🤣 my DH gets them about 2 or 3 times a year. He never knows when they are coming either so I could of possibly kissed him while one was brewing. Been with him ten years and never had one. Chill out 🤣

FurrySlipperBoots · 17/09/2019 21:09

Wow, he sounds like the ultimate toss-piece.

Blahblahblahnanana · 17/09/2019 21:48

Glad you’ve dumped the coldsoreist wanker!

To the woman who is dating the lovely man who said this My boyfriend calls it mouth aids needs to get rid too! 😡

AtrociousCircumstance · 17/09/2019 23:56

Fuuuuuck. Unhinged, thick and hateful - wow! Yeah you’re well rid.

Schuyler · 18/09/2019 10:39

He’s a nasty piece of work and I’m glad you’ve recognised your worth and blocked him. You deserve better. Chin up, lovely. Flowers

QueenofPain · 18/09/2019 19:43

I had no idea that I committing such a huge faux pas by continuing to live my full and varied life whilst also regularly getting cold sores. I even work in healthcare, unbelievably, I just use standard universal precautions when needing to touch patients including washing my hands and wearing gloves.

There always used to be one gruelling part of my rota where I had a lot of hours in a short amount of time and you could set your watch by my cold sore appearing.

My DP doesn’t care about me getting them, we just don’t kiss or have oral sex when I have one.

The replies to this thread are insanity.

Emmapeeler · 18/09/2019 20:07

coldsoreist wanker Grin

Emmapeeler · 18/09/2019 20:10

What an absolute tosspot @PandorasCrocs

You are well rid.

Rachelover60 · 18/09/2019 22:11

PandorasCrocs, I hope his next squeeze gives him scabies and crab lice with a little gonorrhoea on the side.

Good on you for ridding yourself!

Leftielefterson · 18/09/2019 22:17

It sounds like many people carry the virus so it’s not crazy that someone might suffer from cold sores. It’s not an STI so I do kind of get why you wouldn’t have thought to tell him this upfront.

I must admit that I was annoyed when a boyfriend of mine caught oral herpes (and warts but that’s another issue entirely!) from his ex when he and I were on a break. I was a bit obsessed with making sure he didn’t have any outbreaks before kissing him or letting him go down on me.

bagpuss90 · 18/09/2019 22:31

There’s times wen I don’t know why I bother with going on here. The ignorance is well just wow 😮. Calm down ffs we are talking cold sores 🙄