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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend has made me feel disgusting for having a cold sore, who is BU?

301 replies

PandorasCrocs · 16/09/2019 11:53

Video call to a man I've been dating last night and I mentioned having a cold sore on my lip that was slightly annoying. He reacted in judgement, made me feel frankly disgusting and said he thought I would have told him I get cold sores. He's concerned etc. Do I get them elsewhere.

I've had two in my entire life, cue me telling him to do some research because it's very common and it's not an STD.

Aibu to be hurt by his ignorant reaction or is he BU? He's made me feel quite dirty to be honest.

Are you supposed to disclose to a new partner that you've ever had a cold sore?

I'm a bit WTF to be honest. It has soured the mood and I'm due to see him this evening.

OP posts:
PeopleMover · 16/09/2019 12:11

I'd find them really off putting too, because I'd be scared of catching it.

And if caught off guard I might have had a similar first reaction too. I'd need a minute to research and process what you'd said to give a better reaction.

But I'm really funny about 'germs' in general and things like this freak me out. Blush

Bufferingkisses · 16/09/2019 12:12

Standard cold sore action ensures that it shouldn't be passed. No lip or genital contact if you feel the tingle of one starting and throughout the duration of the sore. No kissing newborns at all. It's not difficult, dangerous or disgusting. He is a chump and I'd be worried how he'd react to something actually serious. Honestly I'd lose him myself.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/09/2019 12:12

DH has had the odd cold sore at times of stress for all the 28 years I have known him. We have Zovirax in the cupboard and he hits it if he gets a tingle.

I don't kiss him or have oral sex with him when he has one. I have never has a coldsore in 28 years.

One of my 4 kids gets them. I think there is a genetic component and either you do or you don't.

The guy was uninformed and overreacting.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/09/2019 12:16

All of you going "eeew", you do know that anyone you have sex with or kiss could have one brewing and not tell you?

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 16/09/2019 12:17

I think he is over-reacting - lots and lots of people get them (me being one) but as long as you're careful they don't spread. It's horrible to make you feel so crappy about it. He sounds like an utter dick. And of course you shouldn't have mentioned it on your first date ffs, how weird would that be!

Stressedout10 · 16/09/2019 12:17

Sorry op but if I found out that someone I was dating had cold sores I would be dumping them immediately. That may make me a bad person but it's not something that I want to even risk catching. Also I would be very angry that someone who supposedly cared about me would risk my health without having the decency to warn me first.

PeopleMover · 16/09/2019 12:17

It saddens me that people are so poorly educated that they react like he did.

But if you've never had one or known anyone who suffers from them, then why would you know much about them? Apart from they are highly contagious and linked to herpes.

That's why a heads up is a good thing. You can't really judge someone on their first reaction, when you've caught them off guard.

Not being a cold sore expect hardly makes someone 'uneducated'.

MRex · 16/09/2019 12:20

Herpes is a lifelong virus that you could pass on to him. It's obviously going to give him some concern when he doesn't have it (or at least had never had the symptoms so believes he doesn't). I can understand him feeling nervous as a first reaction because he'd prefer not to catch Herpes but it isn't disgusting, it's just one of those things, and he was unreasonable to make you feel bad about yourself. I also think it's normal not to mention it in the early days when you're free of symptoms. It doesn't sound like a long relationship, so no harm done, time to just move on to the next guy. For future reference you do need to very careful to not get other people's (baby) fingers near your mouth nor give out kisses when you have a cold sore, so that you don't pass it on. MIL has managed not to pass it on to her DH, nor any of her children nor grandchildren, so it's quite possible to prevent transmission if you're careful.

Grumpos · 16/09/2019 12:21

Jeez there’s some ignorant commenters on here!
Yeah it’s a herpes variant but it’s so common, so so common.
Ok no you don’t really wanna snog someone with a coldsore but to react like an immature school boy - that’s a bit ridiculous.
there are many many not every pleasant conditions in the world and a lot of them are common and a lot are contagious, if someone can’t deal with that then I’d be considering whether they’d be able to deal with anything slightly more pressing in life.

Dump and move on to someone a bit more mature, kind and with a smidge more life experience. He sounds pathetic

Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 16/09/2019 12:21

I think part of my upset stems from the fact there are less than desirable things from his past, which were choices, and not once have I made him feel tainted or a bad person for those things.

I think it's all in the approach personally.

OP posts:
WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 16/09/2019 12:24

@PeopleMover well I’d go and educate myself on it before behaving like an idiot

Grumpos · 16/09/2019 12:24

Lol @ the posters who would dump someone for having a coldsore. Pity your partner or future partner! How lovely it must be to have 100% sterile perfect life. What are you going to do if your child catches one at nursery or school (I had a lot of friends that got them in younger years), will you send them to the orphanage for dirty children? Confused

Oceanbliss · 16/09/2019 12:24

While he shouldn't have made you feel ashamed, it is highly contagious and not trivial so should be taken seriously. Most people don't want to end up contracting herpes which is a lifelong disease, while it isn't showing it is simply inactive. Cold sores can be fatal to babies. When I worked in a nursery no staff member with a cold sore was allowed to work with the babies. I read in the news a couple of years ago of a newborn baby who died because midwives and nurses didn't inform a new mum of the risks, who had given birth to her first baby when she had a cold sore and was kissing her newborn baby like most parents do. Poor mother was traumatized that her baby died and it was because of her cold sore.

UrsulaPandress · 16/09/2019 12:25

If I was you I would stay indoors until your cold sore has gone, and then when out and about wear a dress with a large H embroidered in red on the front so that everyone will know you carry the Herpes virus.

MaxNormal · 16/09/2019 12:25

Some serious over reactions to dump someone over a cold sore!
My DH doesn't get them but I certainly wouldn't have wanted to miss out on him over something so trivial if he did.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 16/09/2019 12:26

@grumpos surely you'd burn the house down with them in it, no?

Shamoo · 16/09/2019 12:28

This is one of those message chains where I think MN is actually just full of totally bizarre people. Coldsores are very common, over half of the population have had them at some point: it would never even cross my mind to tell somebody I occasionally have them (last one about 15 years ago) or except somebody to tell me (unless they could feel it coming or it was live).

People would dump somebody who had had a cold sore?! You would be ruling out over half of the population 😂. Assuming you’ve had more than about 3 partners you are almost sure to have been with somebody who has had a coldsore. It is not like having crabs, for goodness sake.

OP he sounds like a dick.

Shamoo · 16/09/2019 12:30

(I should say the exception to that is in regards to small babies who I agree with PP they can be dangerous for.)

Derbee · 16/09/2019 12:30

^ this, what @Shamoo says.

OP, he’s an ignorant arsehole. He shouldn’t make you feel disgusting about anything. Dump him

SoyDora · 16/09/2019 12:31

Sorry op but if I found out that someone I was dating had cold sores I would be dumping them immediately

That’s 67% of the dating pool already ruled out then.

flirtygirl · 16/09/2019 12:32

It's a lifelong disease and its so common because of the "oh it's nothing" type of attitude.

People should take care to not pass it around but many do not.

A cold sore does not require judgement at all.

I will however judge the hell out of anyone who shares towels and kisses when they had a cold sore.
There was a thread a while back about a mil wanting to kiss the newborn with a cold sore. Newborns can die, fact.

Grimbles · 16/09/2019 12:32

I get cold sores too. I've known DH 14 years and hes never had one.

Most people carry the cold sore virus but never get a cold sore.

Derbee · 16/09/2019 12:33

Don’t kiss people when you’ve got active cold sores, especially not babies. Don’t perform oral sex when you’ve got active cold sores.

But most importantly, don’t kiss or perform oral sex on ignorant men that make you feel like shit

Grimbles · 16/09/2019 12:34

I wouldn't be kissing anyone with sores around their mouth, regardless if what it was. It's not unique to people who have cold sores.

Ginkypig · 16/09/2019 12:34

While I don't care about cold sores I have been lucky that Iv never caught one so I wouldn't want to kiss anyone who are in the active stage of the virus. Once you have it you have it as there is no cure unless I am mistaken.

In your scenario I wouldn't have anything like the reaction he did! In fact I'd appreciate that I knew for the future. I would not be happy though that the person I was seeing hadn't mentioned it to me if they had or just had had an outbreak.