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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend has made me feel disgusting for having a cold sore, who is BU?

301 replies

PandorasCrocs · 16/09/2019 11:53

Video call to a man I've been dating last night and I mentioned having a cold sore on my lip that was slightly annoying. He reacted in judgement, made me feel frankly disgusting and said he thought I would have told him I get cold sores. He's concerned etc. Do I get them elsewhere.

I've had two in my entire life, cue me telling him to do some research because it's very common and it's not an STD.

Aibu to be hurt by his ignorant reaction or is he BU? He's made me feel quite dirty to be honest.

Are you supposed to disclose to a new partner that you've ever had a cold sore?

I'm a bit WTF to be honest. It has soured the mood and I'm due to see him this evening.

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 16/09/2019 13:25

Hence his reaction, mentioning it in passing as you did is like dropping into the conversation you’ve got crabs.

Seriously? My best friend at primary school got cold sores. It's really not the same thing as an sti.

AlphaBravoCharlieDelta · 16/09/2019 13:25

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Dangerfloof · 16/09/2019 13:25

has the menopause changed how often you get coldsores? I've noticed this, thought it was something to do with the hormones

Not answering for yetanother, but now this has been mentioned I notice I have had several cold sores this year (FWIW DP of 14 years never had one) and I vaguely remember having quite a few last year cos I had to keep moving dentist appointments. And I am a few years menopausal. Hadnt made the connection before. Another beautiful symptom eh.
In previous years I only ever had cold sores when really run down. And that didnt happen every year.

Hydrogenbeatsoxygen · 16/09/2019 13:25

Most adults either have cold sores or are immune to the virus. I get them but DH doesn’t. There’s some typical Mumsnet reactions on this thread.

🙄🙄🙄

Rachelover60 · 16/09/2019 13:26

Get rid, he's ignorant. When I first met my husband he had a cold sore around his mouth, said he'd had them before. We were married nearly 44 years and I never caught one (anywhere).

My mum used to get them occasionally, people do. You can't spend your life worrying about catching something like that - for a start, you might not. Genital herpes are only a problem in pregnancy, can cause problems for the baby but the medics are aware of that and know what to do if that happens. Most of the time not a problem at all.

I don't think I'd be keen to see him again in your shoes. When I was very young I had mild cystitis and a guy I had been seeing said, "Well I didn't give it t you!". You couldn't make it up, could you?

Move on girl, there are bigger fish in the pond.

JayDot500 · 16/09/2019 13:26

Haahaaahahah! People here need to get a bloody grip!! 🤣

I mean, my husband has sickle cell anaemia and felt bloody anxious about disclosing that to me. You people are actually equating a cold sore with some deathly disease. I'd understand if there was an element of immunodeficiency, but this is damn ridiculous.

My husband also gets coldsores, and I've never had one once and we've been together for 10 years...

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 16/09/2019 13:28

@dangerfloof it's gone the other way for me - fewer coldsores post menopause, and not as severe when I do get them.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 16/09/2019 13:29

I mean, my husband has sickle cell anaemia and felt bloody anxious about disclosing that to me. You people are actually equating a cold sore with some deathly disease. I'd understand if there was an element of immunodeficiency, but this is damn ridiculous.

My husband told me very early on that he has Crohn's and asked did I still want to see him; my reaction should clearly have been 'well I get coldsores so I'm pretty sure you won't want to see me any more!'

YetAnotherSpartacus · 16/09/2019 13:30

Yes, me too. If you are a few years menopausal (I'm only two) then maybe something else is the cause?

Boots20 · 16/09/2019 13:33

I'm prone to cold sores, if I get too much sun I get one, if I get a cold I get one & I had lip fillers once and was advised to use cold sore cream before and after the fillers as any trauma to the lips can trigger one if prone, I've just always been prone to them, been with my OH 15 years and hes never ever had one not once in his whole 35 years

Openup · 16/09/2019 13:34

Goodness, how very ignorant lots of you are! They can only be passed on if you are symptomatic, so long as you are careful when someone has an active sore there is no risk!

MediocreOmens · 16/09/2019 13:35

Wow some people on here are awful. OP, do not feel awful or a pariah. Cold sores are incredibly common and you have done nothing wrong. He reacted poorly and it would put me off him instantly. He is poorly informed at best and at worse an arsehole who expects his future partner to be some pristine specimen. I don't think it bodes well if heaven forbid you have an actual serious illness in the future for which you need care and support,

It's quite pathetic to say you wouldn't date someone who every so often (we could be talking years apart) gets a cold sore and doesn't kiss you for a week. All these ridiculous people up thread could already be in a relationship with a dreaded carrier of the virus but not know because as I said an appearance of a cold sore could literally be years apart.

Bufferingkisses · 16/09/2019 13:37

Like you op I had a cold sore as a youngster. I've never had one before or since. I understand this means I have the virus and behave accordingly. I'll go for a hug over a kiss. I wouldn't kiss someone on the lips who isn't my dp anyway. I don't kiss new babies, including my own. None of my children have ever had a cold sore. My ex gets them but has since childhood.

When it comes to relationships I assume that my partner is intelligent enough to know that it's highly likely they themselves carry this virus as it so very common and regularly asymptomatic so I don't "disclose" that I once had a cold sore 30+ years ago.
Frankly if they are so very unintelligent as to not know being intimately linked to another person carries some level of risk of sharing viruses then I absolutely do not want to be in a relationship with them.

Allnewday there's a reasonable chance you carry the virus yourself.

Durgasarrow · 16/09/2019 13:39

I think it's because this guy is a germophobe. I have a relative like that. He's Mr. Hand Sanitizer.

Peanut1980 · 16/09/2019 13:40

Correct me if I’m wrong but I’m pretty sure you can give him genital herpes if you were to give him a BJ while it’s active. Or he could catch oral herpes/cold sores. I’d want to know if my partner had them x

MorganKitten · 16/09/2019 13:41

I’d want to know, you can pass them on and it’s part of the herpesviruse

BendydickCuminsnatch · 16/09/2019 13:43

To be fair I really really don’t want to get cold sores and would be fairly pissed off to have been exposed against my knowledge. I thought it was common knowledge that you should disclose/shouldn’t kiss babies, the elderly etc if you have a cold sore.

Whiskeylover45 · 16/09/2019 13:45

I think he needs to get his priorities right. It's a cold sore and honestly, he sounds like an uneducated moron to get this upset about it. Get rid, you deserve better than someone who makes you feel like this when your not well anyway. It would concern me personally that if something actually serious was to happen, how would he react given the way he has been with a minor cold sore. Send him some nhs links and leave it in his court. A popular mumsnet saying is that when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Really at this stage it shouldn't be like this. Sending you Flowers

Zebraaa · 16/09/2019 13:45

@peanut1980 but who would give a BJ with an active cold sore? And a man has the right to say no I don’t want oral sex whilst you have a cold sore. We’re not monsters trying to spread the infection Confused

My boyfriend calls it mouth aids and I do usually avoid seeing him if I have one as I feel dirty. However, I've had them since I was a teenager, my parents both had them, they flare up when I’m run down, period, stressed, etc. I actually feel pretty sorry for myself when I have one as they’re ugly and would never knowingly kiss anyone whilst having an outbreak.
Also I work in midwifery around newborn babies and I’m absolutely not allowed time off if I have an out break.

princessTiasmum · 16/09/2019 13:47

IF it was me i would cancel the date,you wont enjoy it now anyway,
There was no need for him to say it so rudely,
I would tell him why as well, !! Angry

Dangerfloof · 16/09/2019 13:47

A quick Google solves menopause related cold sores

These triggers vary from person to person, but can include sunlight fatigue, an injury to the affected area, and, in women, their period
Some people havefrequentlyrecurringcold soresaround two or three times a year, while others have onecold soreand never have another

I guess for me anyway its period related. I think I have had 3 or 4 periods this year. Cba looking in my diary to be certain but I bet the dates correlate.

AllModra · 16/09/2019 13:48

Cannot believe some of the people on this thread.

As a kid I took it for granted that everyone had had a cold sore before, because they happened to so many of the kids I went to school with. I had them occasionally as a small kid. It's hardly an issue as long as if you feel what might be one brewing, you take appropriate measures. Simple. It's hardly gonorrhea or HIV.

DonttouchthatLarry · 16/09/2019 13:48

I've had them all my life (my mum used to, my dad never did) but have managed to not infect my husband in the last 19 years by simply not kissing him when I have one. It's not difficult.

Boyfriend sounds like an arse.

Original poster
PandorasCrocs · 16/09/2019 13:49

I appreciate they're not pleasant, as soon as I noticed one come up I told him. I didn't plan on making advances whilst I have it.

His response was an "ew" expression, asking if I get them anywhere else AKA genitals and saying he thought I would have told him I get cold sores. He said this in a very unpleasant tone which instantly make me feel small. He then said he thinks I've given him a disease Blush

I wouldn't hide something like this, but as it's the first one I've had in many many years I saw no need to disclose early on, unless of course I have an outbreak which I now have so I let him know.
.

OP posts:
Chocolateandamaretto · 16/09/2019 13:50

I get cold sores in my nose...definitely didn’t get them from sexual contact! It wouldn’t have occurred to me to mention it to a partner unless I had an active sore, and my husband who I have been with for 10 years has never had one, not have my kids. I’d be really upset in your position too op, I always get them when I am run down and stressed to that would be like being kicked when I was down!