Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend has made me feel disgusting for having a cold sore, who is BU?

301 replies

PandorasCrocs · 16/09/2019 11:53

Video call to a man I've been dating last night and I mentioned having a cold sore on my lip that was slightly annoying. He reacted in judgement, made me feel frankly disgusting and said he thought I would have told him I get cold sores. He's concerned etc. Do I get them elsewhere.

I've had two in my entire life, cue me telling him to do some research because it's very common and it's not an STD.

Aibu to be hurt by his ignorant reaction or is he BU? He's made me feel quite dirty to be honest.

Are you supposed to disclose to a new partner that you've ever had a cold sore?

I'm a bit WTF to be honest. It has soured the mood and I'm due to see him this evening.

OP posts:
360eyes · 16/09/2019 13:09

Sounds like a bit if a weirdo to me. Cold sores are so common and can be caused by being run down, exposure to sun/freezing temps, not shagginb around or poor hygiene (although you can catch them due to other peoples poor hygiene if they have one. He is confusing it with genital herpes, the muppet!

I would just dump him on the grounds he is a drama queen and an idiot with it.

Emmapeeler · 16/09/2019 13:13

I didn’t get cold sores til last Thursday when one appeared. I am 41 and have been with DP fourteen years (not that that is relevant, as they are not sexually transmitted). I have a vague memory of using Blistex at about thirteen but can’t be sure. Apparently 80% of the population has the dormant virus. So maybe one day your lovely man will get one one day and eat his words?

While I haven’t kissed DH or the kids since having one, I would personally be dumping a relatively new partner for making me feel that way about it. What other run of the mill things will he start making you feel bad about?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 16/09/2019 13:13

@chocolatesaltyballs (there's a story there involving sea-swimming in body chocolate paint I'm sure) ... YES! I always used to get CS before my period. As I got older the size (when I was a teen and 20-something some of mine were so big they looked like bunches of grapes) and frequency decreased. Now I rarely get them! GO MENOPAUSE!!! Less excuse re oral though :(

Emmapeeler · 16/09/2019 13:14

By DP I mean DH by the way... they aren’t two people Wink

Witchinaditch · 16/09/2019 13:14

It is not an STD. Could you imagine how strange you would look if on a first date you “disclosed” you sometimes get cold sores 😂 he sounds like the strange one OP. If he’s this uninformed about basic things and judgemental maybe rethink where it is going.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 16/09/2019 13:15

Awesome - probably THE only benefit of the menopause!!

NoisingUpNissan · 16/09/2019 13:15

The coldsore isn't the issue.
His unkindness is though and I'd dump someone for that alone.

ElizaDee · 16/09/2019 13:15

Does genital herpes look just the same as on your lip? I.e. are the sores the same? I'm not googling that on my work computer.

AllNewDay · 16/09/2019 13:16

I have an auto-immune disorder that doesn't affect me in everyday life, other than that I become ill more easily, so unless people live with me and see me pop my daily pill, they do not know. Any additional stress on my immune system easily sends me to bed for anywhere upwards of a month. So yeah, I would be bloody pissed if someone didn't tell me. Most infection are asymptomatic, there is a very good chance you have already passed it on to him.

AlphaBravoCharlieDelta · 16/09/2019 13:17

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

funmummy48 · 16/09/2019 13:18

You've had a very lucky escape!

BeardyButton · 16/09/2019 13:19

Sorry OP. I know this is not the reaction ypu are looking for, but this thread is hilarious. Seriously! People inform people they are dating 'early on' that they get coldsores.... Snort!
In reality, a substantial proportion of the population has the virus. To me, it would be like informing someone you had a tendency to get colds

Genevieva · 16/09/2019 13:19

Lots of people have been exposed to the cold sore virus, but don't know it because they don't get regular flare ups of cold sores. My husband gets them. It took us years to distinguish them from the acne that plagued him throughout his teens and 20s. As a result, I have definitely been exposed, but have never had a cold sore in my life. Now we know, he has a special cream he can use when he feels a tingly sensation (the warning sign that a cold sore is on its way). The cream hits it very effectively and it has gone before it even appeared.

applestrudels · 16/09/2019 13:19

Jesus Christ, it's just a coldsore ffs. They're really common and minor.

I believe that if you have an open one, and you give oral sex, there is the potential to give the other person genital herpes. But if that were the case he would have seen the coldsore very easily anyway and been able to decline sex on that occasion. That's all it takes. Very simple.

I think his reaction is incredibly rude and insensitive, unnecessary and ridiculous.

AlphaBravoCharlieDelta · 16/09/2019 13:21

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

meccacos2 · 16/09/2019 13:22

I would never date anyone with herpes either on their face or on their genitals.

You shouldn’t have told him about it.

You essentially described an open lesion on your face and he reacted accordingly.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 16/09/2019 13:22

@allnewday I would assume you would mention that early on in a relationship so that the person you're seeing can take appropriate measures not to infect you - THIS is something you should mention as potentially impacting a relationship, NOT the tendency to get cold sores!

Butterfly84 · 16/09/2019 13:22

Wtf? Isn't a cold sore usually a sign of being run down? Did he even ask if you're okay? Show any kind of empathy? Get rid of him OP.

Shortfeet · 16/09/2019 13:22

What did he say, exactly ?
I don’t think we can comment without knowing exactly what was said

HavelockVetinari · 16/09/2019 13:22

This is hilarious - MN at its most bonkers! Two thirds of people get cold sores - for the people saying they'd never date someone who gets them, would you reeeally not date the majority of the population?? Grin Barking!

Madfrogs · 16/09/2019 13:22

The only reason so many people have them is due to the whole oh well it’s only a cold sore attitude. It’s a life long condition and can be transmitted to your genitals of course people have the right to not want to knowingly put themselves at risk.

Hydrogenbeatsoxygen · 16/09/2019 13:23

There’s a link between cold sores and herpes simplex. Hence his reaction, mentioning it in passing as you did is like dropping into the conversation you’ve got crabs

Bloody hell!!!

What a dreadful thing to post.

Butterfly84 · 16/09/2019 13:24

I would never date anyone with herpes either on their face or on their genitals.

??? A cold sore comes and goes. A sign of being run down. You would never date someone who suffers from an illness once a year? Weird perspective.

Basketofkittens · 16/09/2019 13:24

meccacos2 et al...how do you know that you don’t have the cold sore virus just about to flare up on you? Or your partner if you have one?

What would you do if your husband suddenly had one? Divorce?

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/09/2019 13:25

I think I’m better off not dating this arsehole if cold sores are such a worry

There, fixed it for you. You can’t get rid of an itchy, sore lip but you can get rid of the arsehole.