Boyfriend has made me feel disgusting for having a cold sore, who is BU?

[PandorasCrocs]

Video call to a man I've been dating last night and I mentioned having a cold sore on my lip that was slightly annoying. He reacted in judgement, made me feel frankly disgusting and said he thought I would have told him I get cold sores. He's concerned etc. Do I get them elsewhere.

I've had two in my entire life, cue me telling him to do some research because it's very common and it's not an STD.

Aibu to be hurt by his ignorant reaction or is he BU? He's made me feel quite dirty to be honest.

Are you supposed to disclose to a new partner that you've ever had a cold sore?

I'm a bit WTF to be honest. It has soured the mood and I'm due to see him this evening.

“Globally, an estimated two-thirds of the population under 50 are infected with herpes simplex virus type 1.”

I wonder how many of the people going “ewwww I would dump someone with herpes” are actually infected with the virus already and awaiting their first outbreak?

I get cold sores. I was getting two a year until I started taking Lysine. I was dating my now DH when I had one. He couldn’t have cared less! We just don’t do anything sexual when I have a coldsore, I use the patches to contain them and kitchen roll sheets to dry my hands after washing them.

No, I wouldn't date someone who got cold sores.

I also find people who do have them are incredibly blasé about them - often going in for a kiss when they have an obvious cold sore for example and then being offended when I demur.

I'd be pretty pissed off if they told me after I had sex with them too.

YABU OP.

I get cold sores, maybe once or twice a year (when I am feeling run down).

I have been with DH for 15 years and have two DC. None of them have ever had a cold sore. I certainly didn't 'disclose' it to DH! I got one, he was sympathetic, we didn't kiss for a few days, it went away. Not a big deal.

Your OH's reaction was OTT and definitely off putting!

Maybe people with the cold sore virus (two thirds of the population) should be rounded up and put into camps? Mandatory blood testing for all!

FWIW I had no intention of kissing him or giving him oral sex whilst I have an outbreak

Derbee nails it:

'But most importantly, don't kiss or perform oral sex on ignorant men that make you feel like shit'

cold sore virus is super common and NOT an indicator of Herpes.

If i ever found out who kissed my 18m old ds though, and gave him the virus which landed him in hospital I'd not be a happy bunny

but an adult man (with a self inflicted 'past') running around screeching about 'non disclosure'?
Get rid, he's a pain, not the cold sore!

Lol @ the posters who would dump someone for having a coldsore

^^ this

I have had cold sores on and off since I was little - been married 15 years and DH has never had 1, pretty sure he thinks I bring more to his life than possibly getting a cold sore.

He’s a twat. Just dump him and move on. Don’t be put off dating because of this, I’ve had cold sores all my life as have many family members and friends, they are inconvenient like, say, having a bit of a cold. Never, ever has anyone said anything unpleasant.

Don’t feel too sad, just imagine his response the an actual illness.

I think it's all in the approach personally.

YANBU. There was no need for him to make you feel bad about yourself - he could have handled that far better.

If you had tried to be intimate with him during an outbreak then he would have reason for concern. But you didn't and have no intention of doing so.

I can't understand pp that would end a relationship over a cold sore - ridiculous

I've had them ever since an unsolicited kiss as a baby.

Before the menopause, their only virtue was a sure-fire excellent excuse for not wanting oral.

YANBU. You didn't have to tell him. It's something you can control. You're infectious about 1-3 days of the year if you're anything like me. You don't make someone feel disgusting about having a medical issue they can't help.

I've had them since I was about 4 or 5. That's obviously not my fault is it, I was probably kissed by a relative with one. Once you've 'activated' the virus they keep coming back. I get them rarely, once a year and sometimes I can skip years. I keep zovirax in the cupboard at all times, it kills them in a couple of days if you use it at the first tingle.

When my DS2 was 7 weeks I'd been kissing him (a lot!) since birth, and then I realised I had one coming. Mad panic from me because I'd read that a baby has died from this exact scenario. I thought I could see a bump on his top lip. I rushed him to A&E where they thought I was insane (at least 2 doctors hadn't even heard of this happening) and told me the 'bump' was a normal baby lip!. Did the basic obvs and sent us on our way.

Strangely enough I think I caught them from my DM, who gets them herself and is very kissy. Always has been.

I have children myself and obviously I'm careful in that regard, neither of my children or ex partners have ever contracted them from me nor have ex partners ever responded in the way new guy has.

Sorry op but if I found out that someone I was dating had cold sores I would be dumping them immediately. That may make me a bad person but it's not something that I want to even risk catching. Also I would be very angry that someone who supposedly cared about me would risk my health without having the decency to warn me first.

It doesn't make you a bad person. But it does make me question your intellect! Plus I would question your mental state if that makes you 'very angry'. What else angers you??

YANBU OP - I would be cancelling any further dates with this guy as he sounds like a prat.

As I understand it, most people carry it.

When you get run down it may flare up and produce a sore. The rest of the time, you just don't know.

Some people have it without ever getting a sore.

Are the people who are saying 'ew' sure they aren't carriers?

Dump and run. Less ignorant and more pleasant men are available.

"Most people who are infected with the virus that causes cold sores never develop signs and symptoms.20 Dec 2018" mayo clinic.

Dump him OP, he's an ignorant uneducated twat.

"About 90 percent of adults worldwide — even those who've never had symptoms of an infection — test positive for evidence of the virus that causes cold sores."

TBf I wouldn’t want to date someone who got them either.

What concerns me about cold sores is the people who have them that don’t realise just how contagious they are

I would never try on any store lipsticks or share drinks growing up with anyone unknown just incase someone had one without realising what it was or how contagious it is

My DH’s ex used to get cold sores and he says although she was careful it’s made him paranoid anytime he gets a strange feeling around his lips and he won’t kiss me at all just in case but I have never seen him with an actual cold sore.

As you know not to kiss him or be intimate, I agree YANBU. People who say they’d never date someone with a cold sore are weird. What if their husband catches it? As long as you practice good hygiene, it’s not a big deal. I had them as a child but not since. Assume I still could get another one but I don’t plan to live a single life because of it. if it appeared, I’d make sure I didn’t kiss anyone, I’d use my own towels and not touch my face etc.

"In Britain, about seven in ten people have caught one of the viruses that cause them. Worldwide figures are similar. However, most don’t know, as only one in three will notice any symptoms."

And I believe that if you suffer from herpes simplex you are immune to herpes complex.

Every cloud ...

Before the menopause, their only virtue was a sure-fire excellent excuse for not wanting oral.

@YetAnotherSpartacus has the menopause changed how often you get coldsores? I've noticed this, thought it was something to do with the hormones.

Dump him.

I don't get them, but I certainly wouldn't make anyone who does feel crap as that would make me a twat.