To cancel my husband's secret sex toy for himself?

[Tacklesbarbie]

I've NC'd for this as it's quite revealing!

My DH and two DCs share an Amazon Prime account. We've recently ordered a lot of back to school stuff and I was checking order statuses today.

One of them was for what I initially thought was a vibrator as, until a few years ago my DH, on occasions, would 'surprise' me with a gift of one (I never requested it). Our sex life used to be great, but in recent years has got much less exciting due to work pressures and age etc, but recently picked up nicely on holiday.

When I looked more closely though it turned out to be a long vibrating tube designed to look like a vagina at the entrance which you obviously stick your penis into! I was mortified and repulsed and promptly cancelled it (it cost £42 from our joint account!).

As my DH set up the account all order notifications are emailed to him, so he must know what I've done, but has been extra breezy all day. We therefore both know what the other one knows but can't talk about it!

I can't help but feel absolutely reviled at the thought of him wanting to use this thing but, on reflection, AIBU? IME if a male partner discovered his female partner had ordered a vibrator he'd be thrilled and turned on, so you could argue why is the reverse so repulsive to me? There is just something desperate and emasculating about the idea of him using this thing, probably because we've typically used a vibrator as a part of the sex we've had together (I've rarely used one alone).

Just when I was thinking he found me sexy again and was looking forward to being intimate with him, this has made me recoil from him. He tried to instigate sex tonight and I've politely made excuses.

I feel really awkward about talking to him about it and definitely can't speak to friends about it either, so wondered what people on Mumsnet thought!

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If you've found this page in your search of the best couples sex toys that have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best sex toys for couples useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

It's possible to get involved with fleshlights. Think about the times you cba to have sex. Whip it out, pleasure him with fleshlight, get it over with, roll over and sleep. If you want to be involved that is. In my younger days lol ie prior child (feel like I've aged a century so tired) we'd have a night of "playtime" and we'd use it once during playtime for me to get a break. Some even come with a USB heater lol to make it warm and you lube it up. Its pleasuring for them, why not. Bj, fleshlight, playing handsy etc it's just a toy. Gives your mouth a break lol. And one he can use himself when you're not in the mood.

For me, a bonus has always been, you can't catch anything from a toy. It keeps mood elevated and frustrations at bay. Which can lead to low mood, low self esteem etc

Have a conversation about it, how he should maybe instigate with you first see if you're in the mood if not, he'll go have a moment with his fleshlight.

If it's your DS well, I don't have any experience with teen boys, no idea what I'd do!

HeadintheiClouds because I can't see my DC's orders on my Amazon app (they use their own money) then they probably can't see our's - this is, I think, why DH ordered it this way.

Either the kids are old enough to.lof into Amazon, click order history and scroll through and therefore old enough to know about sex and such.
Or they're too young to log into Amazon and scroll through previous orders so what does it matter?

Let alone the double standard of a man toy being repulsive but will use women's toys...

You're just going to silently seethe now aren't you because you can't talk about your shared sex life with your husband? Go and talk to him, stop talking yourself out of it.

Alexel I like your thinking! Feeling a teensy bit better about it now...

We own about six sex toys, mostly vibrators, that we've always used together (I'm not fussed about using them on my own).

This device feels like a sex aid though and not a toy and is, for me, taking his self-gratification to a much more serious level - as if it's taking over from doing it with me

So you can have a vibrator (penis substitute) but he can't have a male masturbator (vagina substitute) because you choose not to use your vibrators on your own?

You need to talk about this more openly, but for what it's worth I think people on here would be livid if a man decided to cancel his wife's vibrator order and decide it repulsed him.

I teach 16 year olds sex Ed and one of the first ‘rules’ is - if you are not mature enough to talk about it, you are not mature enough to do it.

You are an adult, in an adult relationship. The healthy thing to do is to go and speak openly to the man you love.

You have two children but can't talk about your sex life? Come on...

You ‘Hey did you mean to order a flesh light, it was on the family account so I thought I better check’
Him ‘oh yes sorry didn’t think the kids could see it’
You ‘I cancelled the order just in case but feel free to order again from love honey or whatever’

Done
Why are you making it so awkward?

Mostly it's the people with a selection of sex toys and accessories who have the most enjoyable sex lies - and are therefore happier - and nicer - people

I agree about the happier - nice is prob to do with sex drive - but yes, happier! OP I would read up about sex toys. Women using sex toys on their own can help them work out what really does it for them, which can help with sex with men, plus the rabbit tightens you inside so that is all good too. I would see it as a positive if he wanted to buy a sex toy tbh. Not as emasculating at all. But I might wonder if he weren't entirely happy about something to do with sex or something else and rather than you feeling angry, disgusted, rejected, I would just talk about it with him, and hear him out.

I agree that the one posted by @gamerchick looks good!

sorry op but i never thought it was ds to start with, you described ds as very tech savvy but a lot of young people are and amazon isn't difficult to order from.
good luck with dh though, you both need to break down this wall though about sex though, why not ask him how he feels about your love life in general, and the fact that you had a great time on holiday, then see where that takes you.

You won’t be exposing his secret because it’s not a secret 🤷🏼‍♀️ He ordered it from a joint account!

"As a few posters have picked up on, the reason I'm appalled at this purchase (if it does indeed turn out to be my DH) is that the vibrators are very much a we thing "

Except when they're not

"I've rarely used one alone"

Controlling hypocrite

How did your chat go?

We're very open with each other in all other respects, but I think the whole reason our sex life worked (and was starting to work again) was the mystery and unspokenness of it. I'm worried that talking about what he's done - exposing his secret, and saying how I feel about it, may actually ruin our sex life, if you see what I mean.

Don’t be ridiculous and anyway it’s not working for him is it.

I’d be really pissed off if my DH cancelled my order for anything. You can hide orders on Amazon, so it could have easily been hidden from your kids.

Are you going to have the talk ?

I've just spoken to him and yes he ordered it.

He said that although our sex life improved on holiday, when he recently tried to instigate it I said I was too tired. He said he felt things were slipping back to how they were and had to resign himself to this so bought this toy.

We've actually agreed to now do some long hard thinking about our marriage - it's opened up a bit of a can of worms actually, and one that's probably a bit too much for this thread - it's a bit of a sad day.

Thanks for all your helpful, funny and sometimes bossy comments on here! I need to sign off now and try and decide the direction I want the rest of my life to go in.

Divorce him and get a blow up husband.

Sorry it turned out more serious than originally thought. Hope you both manage to work out what’s best for everybody.

I think double standard regarding the sex toy (you said you rare y used yours alone, which implies you have used it at least once without it being part of your joint sex life).

You say the account is shared with your kids - how old are they? Any chance it was one of their orders (teenage boys exploring?) hence why your DH hasn't said anything. Oh and if my dh cancelled something I'd ordered I would be bloody annoyed.

Can you see it as a marital aid ?

Perhaps he has a higher drive than you ?

Good things are you are talking about it now ...and he has not looked elsewhere .

Op I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill here!! Your happy for him to watch porn and masturbate but not happy for him to use a toy.

You have toys you use together, you also by your own admission rarely use them alone, so you use them but he's not allowed too?? The flesh light is no different to a vibrato in fact they are very popular these days.

You don't need a long think about your marriage, you either make time for sex or you let him play alone..... Let's face it, it could be a hell of alot worse, he could be using sex workers.

I'm not sure which is weirder, the fact you use vibes but are mad at your husband buying a fleshlight, or the fact that your kids can see your purchases.

She doesn’t buy the vibrators if you read the thread, her husband did, and she only uses them with him.