To cancel my husband's secret sex toy for himself?

[Tacklesbarbie]

I've NC'd for this as it's quite revealing!

My DH and two DCs share an Amazon Prime account. We've recently ordered a lot of back to school stuff and I was checking order statuses today.

One of them was for what I initially thought was a vibrator as, until a few years ago my DH, on occasions, would 'surprise' me with a gift of one (I never requested it). Our sex life used to be great, but in recent years has got much less exciting due to work pressures and age etc, but recently picked up nicely on holiday.

When I looked more closely though it turned out to be a long vibrating tube designed to look like a vagina at the entrance which you obviously stick your penis into! I was mortified and repulsed and promptly cancelled it (it cost £42 from our joint account!).

As my DH set up the account all order notifications are emailed to him, so he must know what I've done, but has been extra breezy all day. We therefore both know what the other one knows but can't talk about it!

I can't help but feel absolutely reviled at the thought of him wanting to use this thing but, on reflection, AIBU? IME if a male partner discovered his female partner had ordered a vibrator he'd be thrilled and turned on, so you could argue why is the reverse so repulsive to me? There is just something desperate and emasculating about the idea of him using this thing, probably because we've typically used a vibrator as a part of the sex we've had together (I've rarely used one alone).

Just when I was thinking he found me sexy again and was looking forward to being intimate with him, this has made me recoil from him. He tried to instigate sex tonight and I've politely made excuses.

I feel really awkward about talking to him about it and definitely can't speak to friends about it either, so wondered what people on Mumsnet thought!

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If you've found this page in your search of the best couples sex toys that have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best sex toys for couples useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

It's odd, I've never heard these mentioned on MN before yet this thread almost reads like a 3 page advert for them. So many posts with opinions and statistics about them.

I am absolutely with you. Private masturbation is one thing. Fake vaginas, rubber dolls coem on, you have to laugh or cry or think its really a bit to far down the tacky line. Consider a conversation with a teenage son? I think even the most liberal of MN should hold their horses somewhere(:

Confusedbeetle
I'm guessing you also look down on and judge women who use vibrators or bullets for being tacky too? Do you not know whether to laugh or cry over the massive market for toys aimed at women too?

Nice to know there's people who can't begin to comprehend that other adults might do things differently from them.

All the sex toys you own are all for your benefit. He's bought one that can be used on him and that's all of a sudden a problem? You can use the fleshlight on him, just as he uses the vibrators on you. You seem controlling & selfish and definitely wouldn't say you're open minded at all.

Actually, without going into graphic detail, if you use a vibrator during sex it can very much be to the benefit of both partners!! The wobbles travel through skin!! Many couples use them together - they are not just for solo enjoyment.

Are you sure it wasn't DS? Maybe DH took a wank bullet for him.

@Karkasaurus

Ironically a "wank bullet" would be a great name for a sex toy aid / tool.

Call LoveHoney and trademark it!

@thatcurlygirl ... bloody brilliant 💪😅

Credit to karkasaurus too .... !! Dragons den ... make a killing 👀😏

@Rainbowssoul @Karkasaurus

Make it organic and Deborah Meaden will go mental for it.

You're welcome.

Oh OP, that's a sad update.

I hope you can find a good way forward for all of you

OP you are consistently saying only a few people understand your point but I think it is you not listening. It seems the only sex aides allowed in the house are to be used for you. As others have repeatedly said you can not and should not control how he masturbates. It doesn't matter if you like it or not - its not for you. Would anyone find it acceptable if your DH said they couldnt masturbate with another man in mind? Forget the specifics and think of the principle- that one person can dictate how the other person masturbates. Have you passed him a list of how you masturbates so he can confirm its ok? I think you and all those who are agreeing with you are being controlling and hypocritical.

Stumped by this to be completely honest. A fleshlight is exactly the same thing as a dildo, it's a sex toy.

Don't see why it's at all emasculating for a man to use a sex toy, because it's not.

Your husband sounds like he's getting a little sexually frustrated and decided to order something to relieve that. Not ideal but better that than him looking elsewhere. You could also use the fleshlight on him just like he can use a dildo on you.

Hope you sort things out with your husband OP, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with a man using a fleshlight, whatever age/single/married as long as it's not a complete secret from you (which is obviously wasn't because he did it on a joint Amazon account where you can see eachothers orders). But tbh, I'm a little alarmed at your reaction to all this.

Good luck in sorting things out, OP. It's probably worth considering that your H's action in ordering this toy came from a good place - rather than pressure you for sex, or seek it with other women, he decided to take care of his own libido.

I totally get that this sounds like it's just a part of much wider intimacy issues.

But in case someone is reading this thread in future because they've searched fleshlight and feel very upset - It really is the same IMO as a vibrator that goes inside you.

That kind of sex toy mimics a penis going into a vagina and a fleshlight mimics a penis going into a vagina too.

I think as a previous poster said, if you can't discuss sex openly with someone then it's worth thinking about whether you should be having sex with that person in the first place.

An honest and open discussion may really benefit you both but try to avoid thinking of women's sexual needs in one way and men's sexual needs in another way - sordid and hurtful.

Equality means equality.

Good luck OP I know this has been upsetting and a surprise but maybe in the long run it can be the start of a positive change

I hope you can both listen to each other and work it out. Do look up sex toy benefits though (for individual play as well as joint) as you may be surprised.

Good luck op

And also it's ok not to like something your partner does sexually. It's ok to go 'nope, tjat doesn't work for me'

That's not controlling. That understanding your own boundaries. Not feeling able to say 'no, that doesn't work for me' has proven problematic and dangerous for women and no one should ever feel shamed just because she struggles with an element of her partner's sexuality.

The op knows tjat she was wrong to cancel the order. But telling someone they're wrong to feel uncomfortable about something is just not on.

@CandyLeBonBon

Totally agree but it needs to be discussed between partners openly.

OP isn't wrong at all to be uncomfortable with anything, but as an adult in a long term relationship she should be willing to discuss this with her partner to find out if it can be reconciled or if it's a deal breaker.

As I said before:

I think as a previous poster said, if you can't discuss sex openly with someone then it's worth thinking about whether you should be having sex with that person in the first place. An honest and open discussion may really benefit you both but try to avoid thinking of women's sexual needs in one way and men's sexual needs in another way - sordid and hurtful.

It does curly and I'm guessing for whatever reason, that's been difficult for the op to do. She's done that now, and her update was quite sad.

I was more concerned with a lot of other posters being generally quite unpleasant about how the op felt about the sex toy her dh bought.

Sometime MN users seem to busy tripping over themselves to be so cool about everything they don't always realise that communication can break down in relationships to the point where what should be reasonable conversation to have between two loving adults seems insurmountable. Often because of fear, anxiety or lack of confidence that you'll be heard and/or able to discuss things kindly.

I've been there and it's a very lonely place. Sometimes, when things have got that bad in a relationship, you can't talk. Especially about something as intimate as this.

I just recognise that position and wish posters could take a moment to consider that the op probably ISNT a controlling monster but in a marriage which needs help to get back into a good state of communication.

My comments weren't direct at you specifically curly.

Sorry if it sounded like i took it personally @CandyLeBonBon we are definitely on the same page - I would be upset too but would have to take a step back as I've had to in the past where I've read loads into partners actions when I do similar myself.

I think it's because while I "know" certain things don't mean much to me, such as the odd hello to a nice ex, I've still placed a lot of meaning on partners doing the same things which was very unfair of me.

Sorry if I sounded snarky, I don't think she's unreasonable at all to be uncomfortable like I said I just wouldn't want her to start the conversation with her partner assuming he's a cant say wanker because of the situation bastard.

Same page and I'm definitely not a cool girlfriend I'm still learning after making some very bad choices with some very big and long term cheaters.

@41CandyLeBonBon it's one thing feeling insecure or sad that a partner may be considering using a sex toy as opposed to having sex, but OP was implying a man is disgusting or less of a man for using a fleshlight. That is horrible and completely unreasonable. I'm glad OP is questioning her thought process.

 backatchya curly! And @TheHonestTruth100 I didn't read it that way tbh. But that's the trouble with things like this isn't it? Not always easy to get nuance