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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To cancel my husband's secret sex toy for himself?

323 replies

Tacklesbarbie · 15/09/2019 22:47

I've NC'd for this as it's quite revealing!

My DH and two DCs share an Amazon Prime account. We've recently ordered a lot of back to school stuff and I was checking order statuses today.

One of them was for what I initially thought was a vibrator as, until a few years ago my DH, on occasions, would 'surprise' me with a gift of one (I never requested it). Our sex life used to be great, but in recent years has got much less exciting due to work pressures and age etc, but recently picked up nicely on holiday.

When I looked more closely though it turned out to be a long vibrating tube designed to look like a vagina at the entrance which you obviously stick your penis into! I was mortified and repulsed and promptly cancelled it (it cost £42 from our joint account!).

As my DH set up the account all order notifications are emailed to him, so he must know what I've done, but has been extra breezy all day. We therefore both know what the other one knows but can't talk about it!

I can't help but feel absolutely reviled at the thought of him wanting to use this thing but, on reflection, AIBU? IME if a male partner discovered his female partner had ordered a vibrator he'd be thrilled and turned on, so you could argue why is the reverse so repulsive to me? There is just something desperate and emasculating about the idea of him using this thing, probably because we've typically used a vibrator as a part of the sex we've had together (I've rarely used one alone).

Just when I was thinking he found me sexy again and was looking forward to being intimate with him, this has made me recoil from him. He tried to instigate sex tonight and I've politely made excuses.

I feel really awkward about talking to him about it and definitely can't speak to friends about it either, so wondered what people on Mumsnet thought!


If you've found this page in your search of the best couples sex toys that have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best sex toys for couples useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

OP posts:
Miniloso · 16/09/2019 08:28

Just tell him it’s ok but to get it from another store. It’s normal, I’d be glad if my exH had been more interested in sex and toys!!

littlepaddypaws · 16/09/2019 08:30

yabu cancel his order he's being vvu to order it on a family account. but then he could have ordered it on a private account for himself, at least he knew you'd find it

Tacklesbarbie · 16/09/2019 08:33

I think only a few posters on here are getting my point.

I'm quite open-minded and have never had a problem with him masturbating to porn (he's obviously very discreet).

We own about six sex toys, mostly vibrators, that we've always used together (I'm not fussed about using them on my own).

This device feels like a sex aid though and not a toy and is, for me, taking his self-gratification to a much more serious level - as if it's taking over from doing it with me.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 16/09/2019 08:34

@Tacklesbarbie why can't you just say this to him

SimplyBeBlythe · 16/09/2019 08:36

It feel like a sex aid, not a sex toy to you - but you haven’t asked you husband why or even if he ordered it. He was hardly discreet about it so maybe he wants to have a conversation?

ScreamingLadySutch · 16/09/2019 08:37

"Just when I was thinking he found me sexy again and was looking forward to being intimate with him, this has made me recoil from him. He tried to instigate sex tonight and I've politely made excuses. "

Very dangerous behaviour. You MUST have a conversation. You are making all sorts of assumptions and them punishing him for them. That way lies estrangement.

BarbariansMum · 16/09/2019 08:37

Then talk to him OP. But honestly, sex is very different from masturbation and the latter should only really be a problem if it impacts on the former.

Tacklesbarbie · 16/09/2019 08:40

He's working at home today so I'm about to go in a have the conversation...😬

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 16/09/2019 08:45

@mathanxiety

It is quite amazing that someone can be so unaware of the hypocrisy of their own comments.

You accuse me of trying to police feelings when you are sat their telling us what the OP is feeling and what her DH should be feeling about female sex toys.

Just because 'most' men are okay with vibrators doesn't mean that all men are or that the arguments don't stand up when reversed and therefore there is no fair justification for judging the OP's husband differently because he is a man.

Hopoindown31 · 16/09/2019 08:48

This device feels like a sex aid though and not a toy and is, for me, taking his self-gratification to a much more serious level - as if it's taking over from doing it with me.

Splitting hairs there.

You aren't happy with it because you feel threatened that he will be able to have sexual gratification without you. This is no different to what some men feel about their partners use of vibrators for masturbation. These men are generally considered unreasonable by most women on here and I don't see why you should be considered reasonable just because you are a woman.

You need to get off MN and have a conversation with your husband about your sex life!

picklemepopcorn · 16/09/2019 08:51

Everyone thinks it's ok for a kid to order a £42 item on his parents card without asking?

burnttoastandjam · 16/09/2019 08:52

You have identified your issue right there, to you it feels like... it's your own perspective.

It is a sex toy. You can also call them sexy devices. It makes no difference.

But you are not comfortable with it.

And that is absolutely fine.

But what is not fine, is expecting your DH to have the same limits as you.

Hope that the chat goes well.

misspiggy19 · 16/09/2019 08:52

I think if a man cancelled his wife's vibrator purchase because he was repulsed by it, that would be considered controlling and unacceptable by MN standards. I think that you don't get to decide how your husband masturbates and it's a bit controlling to react in this way.

^Completely agree with this

Hopoindown31 · 16/09/2019 08:53

@picklemepopcorn

Absolutely not and if it turns the it that is the case I hope OP and her DH agree suitable consequences for this.

Spaceprincess · 16/09/2019 08:54

I think a lot of people, men or women might feel sad/threatened/replaced if their OH had bought a toy privately and their sex life and communication about this was not great.
I'd be excited if OH bought a toy secretly cos I'd know we'd use it together. If I felt it was because he'd rather have a wank than have sex with me I'd not be thrilled.
Like others have said you need a talk.

CandyLeBonBon · 16/09/2019 08:55

I get what you're saying op. As a toy it feels like a replacement rather than an enhancement? That said, obvs you were wrong to cancel without discussion but I think you already realise that. I'm guessing the cancellation was a bit of a knee jerk reaction?

I'm glad you're about to talk to him about it.

PooWillyBumBum · 16/09/2019 08:57

When I read this I just felt sad for him.

I hope you do have an open and honest conversation but - if it were me - I’d leave out the part about it disgusting you and putting you off him. If I ordered a vibrator to use alone and DH cancelled it, rebuked my instigation of sex then said it make him disgusted I’d be absolutely fucking crushed.

PooWillyBumBum · 16/09/2019 08:57

And yes it’s odd it was done on the kids account but he may have either done it by accident or just not been thinking so I’d probably put that aside for now.

littlepaddypaws · 16/09/2019 08:59

i'm inclined to think dh is trying to get a convo going with the op but it not sure how to approach it. the fact that he was 'bright and breezy' after it was cancelled and he would have found out is a bit telling imo.
how has ds been acting around you ? if he checks up the account he'll know he didn't get away with it.
you also said you didn't know where dh kept the vibrators, does he hide them for a reason ? Confused

Tacklesbarbie · 16/09/2019 09:02

I was about to speak to him but thought I'd better double check My Orders on my Amazon app first.

None of the recent toiletries purchases that my DS ordered are listed on there (although I know he ordered them as I've seen them in his bathroom). So it looks like only mine and DH's orders are listed on my app, which means that it was my DH who ordered it after all.

I'd become convinced that it was actually my DS and was ok with that as, from po's comments, it's quite common! I just don't think I'm ready yet for the sort of conversation we're going to have to have. Even the conversation itself will be emasculating for him!

We're very open with each other in all other respects, but I think the whole reason our sex life worked (and was starting to work again) was the mystery and unspokenness of it. I'm worried that talking about what he's done - exposing his secret, and saying how I feel about it, may actually ruin our sex life, if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
SomewhereInbetween1 · 16/09/2019 09:04

Bloody hell. You're adults! Communicate about your sex life for goodness sakes!

Hopoindown31 · 16/09/2019 09:04

Just talk to him OP!

WalkersAreNotTheOnlyCrisps · 16/09/2019 09:04

Hardly a bloody secret is it?

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 16/09/2019 09:05

I totally get where you're coming from OP. Would not have cancelled but would have had a serious discussion about it regardless and frankly would not have been happy at all.

coatlessinspokane · 16/09/2019 09:05

Just buy a blow up vibrating doll version of Ryan Gosling and tuck him in bed between you.

That should get your point across Grin

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