To cancel my husband's secret sex toy for himself?

[Tacklesbarbie]

I've NC'd for this as it's quite revealing!

My DH and two DCs share an Amazon Prime account. We've recently ordered a lot of back to school stuff and I was checking order statuses today.

One of them was for what I initially thought was a vibrator as, until a few years ago my DH, on occasions, would 'surprise' me with a gift of one (I never requested it). Our sex life used to be great, but in recent years has got much less exciting due to work pressures and age etc, but recently picked up nicely on holiday.

When I looked more closely though it turned out to be a long vibrating tube designed to look like a vagina at the entrance which you obviously stick your penis into! I was mortified and repulsed and promptly cancelled it (it cost £42 from our joint account!).

As my DH set up the account all order notifications are emailed to him, so he must know what I've done, but has been extra breezy all day. We therefore both know what the other one knows but can't talk about it!

I can't help but feel absolutely reviled at the thought of him wanting to use this thing but, on reflection, AIBU? IME if a male partner discovered his female partner had ordered a vibrator he'd be thrilled and turned on, so you could argue why is the reverse so repulsive to me? There is just something desperate and emasculating about the idea of him using this thing, probably because we've typically used a vibrator as a part of the sex we've had together (I've rarely used one alone).

Just when I was thinking he found me sexy again and was looking forward to being intimate with him, this has made me recoil from him. He tried to instigate sex tonight and I've politely made excuses.

I feel really awkward about talking to him about it and definitely can't speak to friends about it either, so wondered what people on Mumsnet thought!

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If you've found this page in your search of the best couples sex toys that have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best sex toys for couples useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

@Tacklesnbarbie Sorry to hear your update but your DH is really a prize plonker for ordering it on an account which your children can see. He does realise doesn't he that his browsing history will show up as well as your son being able to access all orders ? What a fool he is.

One of you needs to go into your account and try to clear all of this.

Sorry but your DH sounds as if he lacks communication skills. Rather than talk to you about lack of sex, he buys a toy to simulate it. There is nothing wrong with that if your sex drives are mismatched at the moment but there is lot wrong with allowing other people to see his account and what's been viewed. Please do not take the blame for this. If you are too tired for sex he ought to understand or the 2 of you should try to find times during the day when you might feel more in the mood.

TBF im not surprised there's issue in your relationship if you can't talk about things openly, honestly and without judgement.

Blimey there’s a lot of ‘cancel the cheque’ type posting on here! RTFT people.

Sorry to hear that opened a can of worms OP, hope you can find a way through, but positive that you are communicating. Good luck!

Ok , so after my replies I read others comments more and I have to admit I'm intrigued by the different sex aids out there , I get it more now I do !!! I'm an anxious ass so see the worst in all my situations and this thread has genuinely alleviated some things for me that I've dreaded for years or been felt hurt by ... so somehow its helped , but to see its opened this can of worms that's turned into a sad day really pains me :(
Surely now you guys have spoken of this you can try new 'things 'together .... it's hard not to feel like it's too late, but I can tell you that this year I have had 3 major sad events happen in the family, and before these events so many were saying it's too late for this or too late for that, but these events being early deaths and someone in icu as we speak screamed to me that it was never too late , its only too late when it is too late when it's gone for good .... you guys are still here ... it's not too late, sex should not control a lifestyle relationship but it does make us act in that way ... from many aspects , be it affair ,porn, no libido, secret sex toys !! We let them get in the way of reality at its best and that's being able to walk talk and breathe ! I realise I'm now chatting erratically and craply, my mind is delving in all directions. . So I'll seal it and just say one more time onto remember , the both of you ... it's not too late my friend x

Hope things work out for you.

Talk about it!!!
‘Hey dp, wth is this vibrating tube you've bought?’
‘Oh, my finger must have slipped and purchased this instead of a pencil case 😳’

I'm horrified it cost £47.

I can’t get my head around how quickly this escalated. He’s got a sex toy instead of even condoning the idea of cheating, that’s a loyal man right there.

Offer to try spice things up a bit you guys will appreciate it better in the long run. The thing I found good was to have sex once a day, even if you have a headache or struggle to find time, it totally helps with the closeness level and if it doesn’t work out and you both make excuses then it’s not right anymore.

It's nobody's job to tell the op how she should feel.

She's had a talk and it seems there are deeper issues at play.. posters telling her she should be doing/feeling xyz or to be grateful he hasn't copped off with someone are really missing the tone here.

Tacklesbarbie I'm sorry to read your update. I hope things work out for you. Could counselling be worth a try?

So let’s get this right. It’s ok for you to use sex aids but not ok for your dh. YABU.

It obviously hasn’t escalated quickly. It’s clearly been an issue that’s been brushed under the carpet for some time, they just haven’t discussed it before.

Look, it's totally normal to struggle to find time, energy and va-va-voom for sex with jobs, kids, and a life to run. It shouldn't be this big crisis moment to admit that. The questions may, however, start to come with the further step: asking why. If you're always the one who is tired, why is that? Is it a sign that something else is going wrong - is the division of labour at home alright? Or are you doing more than your fair share? Are there ways of redistributing time and energy (between yourselves, and externally, e.g. buying in help) that will allow you both to feel more loved and fulfilled?

How did your DH react to the fact that you cancelled his order? Would you have been annoyed if he'd cancelled one of your Amazon orders?

So it’s ok for you to have a sex toy but not him?

The only thing he did wrong was to order it on the families amazon account but I don’t see the issue in men having sex toys.

Sorry to read your update OP.

Ever the optimist, I am hoping that this will encourage you to talk more, and especially to communicate about your sex life.

You are being unreasonable and controlling. Imagine this was the other way around

I wish people would read the full thread

People please read the OP's update at 9.33. She doesn't need unhelpful comments now.

BustedDreams, Lovemusic33and Tyersal

RTFT, FFS.

yerk

Your son probably ordered it!

If you can’t be bothered to RTFT at least read the OPs posts!!

If you're not in the mood you can slide it on him, hit the ON switch and go have a nice cup of tea.

As IF you 'can't even remember' where your DH keeps the sexy vibrator collction.