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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend Xmas with MY family?

371 replies

Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:12

Yes, having this debate already and it’s only September. Been with OH a few years, last couple of years we have spent Christmas at my parents’, as I have a very close knit family and they are also much nearer to where we live. OH doesn’t have the best relationship with his family but we do visit occasionally and it is always nice when we do. We have started having a debate already about as to whether we would go to his parents’ for Christmas this year. I really would be sad to miss Christmas with my family when we have such a lovely time and so many traditions with friends, neighbours etc. I am not planning to miss it - I think he will be agreeable about it again but it is becoming more and more of a point of tension as his mother particularly would like him at home.

For context we can’t host at ours, not nearly enough room. No children so that’s not a factor. Early 30s. Not enough holiday to be able to book a whole week off and combine the two.

I appreciate it may sound childish but I wouldn’t feel like it was Christmas unless I was with MY family.

When did you start going to the ‘in laws’ for Christmas, if at all, and does anyone feel the same as me?? Maybe it changes if you have children?

OP posts:
bluebeck · 15/09/2019 20:13

I don't understand - why can't you see your family and he sees his?

Original poster
Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:14

@bluebeck - well good point and I have suggested that, the issue being that surely you can’t go through life spending every Christmas apart?? But maybe you can!!

OP posts:
BenWillbondsPants · 15/09/2019 20:15

Well, how does your OH feel about it? There are two people in a relationship and presumably he has a say? Surely that's more important than what people on the internet think.

Butterymuffin · 15/09/2019 20:15

Do you plan to have children? In my experience it does change when you do.
Do you imagine you will go to your parents every year for Christmas for decades to come?

Sausageandpicklesandwiches · 15/09/2019 20:16

Can’t you see one set on Christmas Day and the other on Boxing Day? I don’t think it’s fair not to alternate. I can understand why his mum would want to see him if she hasn’t the past couple.

WombatStewForTea · 15/09/2019 20:16

Why should you always get to have it your way?

twilightcafe · 15/09/2019 20:16

YABU. Why can't he spend Christmas with his family? Why does yours take precedence?

Beldon · 15/09/2019 20:17

Either have Xmas apart or one year at your parent and one at his. Your are being very selfish

Sausageandpicklesandwiches · 15/09/2019 20:17

But I should add I am with you, I would want to be at my parents too!

Shylo · 15/09/2019 20:18

You may not like missing Christmas with your family but compromise and respecting your partners needs is part and parcel of being in a relationship

Honestly, you sound a bit self centred about the issue ; take turns and suck it up! .... maybe sit the holiday and spend Christmas at your in laws and new year with your parents

Verily1 · 15/09/2019 20:19

Invite his mum to your parents?

Original poster
Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:19

@BenWillbondsPants - he isn’t particularly stressed about it, it’s not like we’ve had a massive row but they live rather far away (think 6+ hours drive) so it’s more of a big thing for us to arrange to go and visit and he is keen we do this at Christmas this year.

Re: the point about internet people, I’m interested to know if my feelings are similar to other people’s or whether I’m just weird. Surely the whole point of this forum is to ask other people’s opinions?

OP posts:
YouFellAsleeep · 15/09/2019 20:19

Complaining about going to the in-laws but that’s exactly what you’re expecting your husband to do? YABU. Surely the right thing to do is your family one year and his the next. Don’t be selfish.

BenWillbondsPants · 15/09/2019 20:19

If you are planning to be with your OH long term, you will have to learn to compromise at times. No one can expect to have their own way all the time.

If your OH isn't bothered about seeing his parents at Christmas then it isn't an issue at all, but if he does, then as I said, you'll have to compromise.

Original poster
Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:20

@Sausageandpicklesandwiches 6+ hours drive away so not really doable in a day, unfortunately.

OP posts:
SmellbowSmellbow123 · 15/09/2019 20:20

the issue being that surely you can’t go through life spending every Christmas apart

Well you don’t want to spend it apart from your family do you!!!

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 15/09/2019 20:21

I think you're being selfish. Why is your family Christmas more important than his?

bluebeck · 15/09/2019 20:21

Well if you don't have DC I see no reason why you cannot spend Christmas apart every year.

If you do have DC then just tell everyone you will be spending Christmas at home ( it's so much easier)

DriftingLeaves · 15/09/2019 20:21

You seem quite childish, OP. Most people alternate and it's really his turn.

BenWillbondsPants · 15/09/2019 20:21

Surely the whole point of this forum is to ask other people’s opinions?

Well yes, but in this case, it doesn't really matter what other people think. It matters what he thinks. Unless you value the opinion of strangers more than his, which I doubt.

And if he's not bothered, then it's a non issue anyway, surely.

Parttimewasteoftime · 15/09/2019 20:22

Yeah you have to share its not fair you get every Christmas with your family every year. Unless you happy to do your Christmas and let him visit his family at same time. I done many "in law" Christmas lucky my mil is a amazing cook and they are nice people. Sharing Christmas might help you bond its never the same but sometimes can be just as good or better!

Original poster
Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:22

@Shylo - he has a minimal relationship with this family really whereas I am very close to mine. He gets on well with mine and spends a lot of time with them as they are local. It would feel like we are only going to be able to make it ‘fair’ when neither of us would really enjoy it.

OP posts:
MamaGee09 · 15/09/2019 20:22

THis is the attitude that 2 of my sil’s have (that Christmas wouldn’t be christmas if they don’t spend it with their family) so my mil misses out on seeing the grandchildren each Christmas Day and we’ve got to arrange our Boxing Day that we go to mils as that’s when they visit and I don’t want our children missing out on seeing their cousins.

When our children were smaller and before we had our children we alternated Christmas with each family, no ,Christmas wasn’t the same with the in-laws but I went to keep dh happy and we are a family.

Now we see my mum Christmas Day and In-laws on Boxing Day to suit dh’s siblings, mil spend Christmas with her daughter who doesn’t live near us,

Pinkypurple35 · 15/09/2019 20:22

No you’re being very selfish. There needs to be some give and take, and this is a prime example of one of these occasions.

Original poster
Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:23

@Parttimewasteoftime - how did you feel the first time you did it? For me Christmas is such a special family time and I think I would struggle to be elsewhere, particularly when the ILs often don’t even get on that well with OH a lot of the time.

OP posts:
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