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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend Xmas with MY family?

371 replies

Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:12

Yes, having this debate already and it’s only September. Been with OH a few years, last couple of years we have spent Christmas at my parents’, as I have a very close knit family and they are also much nearer to where we live. OH doesn’t have the best relationship with his family but we do visit occasionally and it is always nice when we do. We have started having a debate already about as to whether we would go to his parents’ for Christmas this year. I really would be sad to miss Christmas with my family when we have such a lovely time and so many traditions with friends, neighbours etc. I am not planning to miss it - I think he will be agreeable about it again but it is becoming more and more of a point of tension as his mother particularly would like him at home.

For context we can’t host at ours, not nearly enough room. No children so that’s not a factor. Early 30s. Not enough holiday to be able to book a whole week off and combine the two.

I appreciate it may sound childish but I wouldn’t feel like it was Christmas unless I was with MY family.

When did you start going to the ‘in laws’ for Christmas, if at all, and does anyone feel the same as me?? Maybe it changes if you have children?

OP posts:
waterrat · 15/09/2019 21:32

Without kids in the mix I would just enjoy the chance to both go separately to see your families. Yes your mil might feel a bit hurt but she will be much more hurt if she learns her son is never planning on spending Xmas with her again.

Christmas is a time to think of others OP. Try to remember that.

Ivechanged19 · 15/09/2019 21:34

My DP and I are having this exact conversation this evening too - together 6 years but we have never had Christmas Day together and I think the conversation has ended that this one will be no different ! Except this year we plan on coming home on Christmas night rather than staying at our parents from 24th-27th. Neither of us are keen on giving up our own Christmas Day just yet!

LeZa · 15/09/2019 21:34

Can you invite his parents to your parents for Christmas and involve both sides together?? x

clucky3 · 15/09/2019 21:36

YABU. You sound like a selfish child.

Untamedtoad · 15/09/2019 21:42

I'd just alternate it each year to keep both sides happy, that's what we usually do. Usually see one Xmas day, one boxing day and change which way round each year, if you can't fit in both every year, just do one 2019, one 2020 and carry on like that. If we visit family who are further away, (only do this once every few years) we stay overnight and do the on boxing Day so not to be driving for hours on Xmas day, could this be a compromise? Tell his family you'd love to visit for Xmas, but to avoid driving on Xmas day, you'll come the day after and stay over for a night? Then you still get Xmas Eve/day with your family. X

Happypelican · 15/09/2019 21:43

I can see where your coming from but you either suck it up and go or go separate. You are being quite selfish tbh it’s not all about your family.

EustaciaPieface · 15/09/2019 21:44

Been together 25 years, no kids. We alternate Christmas. Of course I’d rather be at my parents but that’s just not fair. And now his brother has daughters etc so it’s a lovely time of year. But we go to my parents later in the week after Christmas. Parents live 80 miles away, in-laws, 450 miles.

Cryalot2 · 15/09/2019 21:46

Once I married we always stayed at home . But then I had no happy family memories.
We have always have done.

Cherrysoup · 15/09/2019 21:50

Go separately, we did for years until we had animals.

stanski · 15/09/2019 21:53

Before kid we use to do each with their own family (even after getting married).. my now 88 year old bedbound grandmother has been very ill for years and for me she comes first. Since having DS we do Christmas at one and NY at the other and we swap them every year and it works for us.

Bringonspring · 15/09/2019 21:53

You seem really childish and selfish. Part of being in a relationship is consideration of the other. You’ll get it when you have children but imagine not seeing your children in Christmas Day (how your MIL will feel).

If you don’t want to consider your partner and his family then stay single.

lazyarse123 · 15/09/2019 21:56

Yabu you need to grow up a bit. Go to inlaws this year and if it's really awful you need never go again. I don't understand how you can't see how selfish you are being. Your dp is maybe not pushing it for an easy life.

SallyWD · 15/09/2019 21:57

Before we had kids we'd each spend christmas with our own families, naturally we both preferred our own family traditions. After kids we started alternating - one year with my parents, next year with his. It's the only fair way to do it. I think in your case it seems easier to spend Christmas day apart. It's only one day and you can have your own celebration together on boxing day or something.

BornInAThunderstorm · 15/09/2019 22:00

Relationships are about give and take. It is time for you to give a little now, you have had christmas with your family for a few years now

thecatinthetwat · 15/09/2019 22:02

*It would feel like we are only going to be able to make it ‘fair’ when neither of us would really enjoy it.
*

Well that maybe true, but the obligation people feel to keep their parents happy is hard to overcome. It’s very unreasonable of you not to allow him his turn, whatever his reasoning.

Original poster
Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 22:09

God I wish I had just asked a vague question about spending Christmas with in-laws/apart - that’ll teach me for adding any context as it’s all been picked apart and misconstrued Sad

I was going to write some more about the circumstances in which we ended up spending the last two christmases at my parents (and it wasn’t because I forced him!) but it’s not worth it!

Not sure I’ll post on here again!!

OP posts:
peachgreen · 15/09/2019 22:09

I started spending Christmas with my in-laws when I met the right person because he immediately became my family. I love my parents and I love spending Christmas with them but my partner (now DH) is the person I want to spend Christmas Day with, and he feels the same. Before having kids we alternated; this year it will just be us two and DD and I can't wait.

imo if you're willing to spend Christmas apart it's not a great sign.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 15/09/2019 22:13

I think if your DP didn't want to spend Christmas with his family, he simply would have said 'no thanks' to them. The fact he hasn't and it's under discussion in September, makes me think he probably feels he should see his parents (either because he wants to have Christmas at home, or because he feels he probably should).

In all honestly, I don't think I'd be with my DH if he'd only wanted to go to his parents for Christmas every year. My family is a bit at odds with how DH and I view life, but they're my family. As much as we might not see exactly eye to eye, they're important to me, quirky ways and all. I might prefer to spend Christmas elsewhere, but my parents are my parents, they're not abusive or damaging, so it is the right thing to see them and spend time with them. Actually doing that, in both directions, has meant we've all got to know each other better, which helps quite a bit when children arrive.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 15/09/2019 22:18

I actually think it's quite nasty to have a relationship with family and then blank them every Christmas and go to the in-laws instead. If they're damaging or abusive then go no contact and that solves your Christmas problem. But don't keep them hanging on for scraps of time you deem them worthy of.

SuzieQ10 · 15/09/2019 22:19

I feel the same as you OP.
I go to my parents every year for Xmas. We spend all of Boxing Day with OH's dad's family and the 27th with his mum (complicated relationship).
My parents help us so much throughout the year with childcare & other things. It would feel so wrong to abandon them at Xmas for a family we hardly see and OH doesn't get along that well with. He knows he can go there if he prefers on Xmas day, but I'll be staying with my family and I don't feel bad about that. He has almost always stayed with us too.

thecatinthetwat · 15/09/2019 22:19

Don’t worry op, that’s aibu for you.

Just take the bits that are relevant and it’ll help you adjust your mindset. It’s a good thing, I promise Smile

TheBouquets · 15/09/2019 22:20

I used to be married to a man who had your attitude.
I dreaded every Christmas. I had said Christmas with one family and New Year with the other and change every year which I thought was fair. Not only was this ignored I was beset with the emotional blackmail from the ILs of "what if it is our last Christmas".

It was not the whole reason I decided to get a divorce but the whole attitude that his family with the demands coloured with constant emotional blackmail on every possible subject that was a strong factor in the decision.
If you want to remain in this relationship I think you need to be fairer and consider other people particularly your partner.

lyralalala · 15/09/2019 22:23

Of course he spends more time with your family - they are local and his are 6 hours away.

Spend it apart or alternate. Its the only way to be remotely fair.

PurpleFlower1983 · 15/09/2019 22:23

YABU

My DH and I are were in a similar position location/relationship with family wise, we invited them to stay with us, luckily we had enough room but if not we would have paid for a hotel or my parents would have hosted. My DH had spent many years previously away from his family at Christmas due to his ex wife refusing to adapt her Christmas. If they hadn’t have come to us, we would have gone to them alternate years as that’s fair.

Sadly my MIL died suddenly in January this year and I’m so glad my DH has those last few Christmases with her.

stayathomer · 15/09/2019 22:26

This is what happens when a tradition starts up! Because we live close to in laws and not close to my family and want the kids to be at home for Christmas I spend every Christmas happy but miserable!! I get on great with them but our house is now the go to h o use on Christmas eve and it means I don't even get to mass ( they're athiest) which used to be something I loved. I suggested we do the present opening thing Stephen's day instead and everyone was horrified, heartbroken, why would we change such a beautiful tradition etc? I know why you want to go home but if you're discussing it at all then you need to give your OH their turn. ( Sorry!!)

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