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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend Xmas with MY family?

371 replies

Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:12

Yes, having this debate already and it’s only September. Been with OH a few years, last couple of years we have spent Christmas at my parents’, as I have a very close knit family and they are also much nearer to where we live. OH doesn’t have the best relationship with his family but we do visit occasionally and it is always nice when we do. We have started having a debate already about as to whether we would go to his parents’ for Christmas this year. I really would be sad to miss Christmas with my family when we have such a lovely time and so many traditions with friends, neighbours etc. I am not planning to miss it - I think he will be agreeable about it again but it is becoming more and more of a point of tension as his mother particularly would like him at home.

For context we can’t host at ours, not nearly enough room. No children so that’s not a factor. Early 30s. Not enough holiday to be able to book a whole week off and combine the two.

I appreciate it may sound childish but I wouldn’t feel like it was Christmas unless I was with MY family.

When did you start going to the ‘in laws’ for Christmas, if at all, and does anyone feel the same as me?? Maybe it changes if you have children?

OP posts:
GPatz · 15/09/2019 20:35

You are not a rare breed at all. It's that one here understand that there is compromise in relationships

TheRLodger · 15/09/2019 20:36

I think it’s because I never have done so never want to and also we have our own traditions and the idea of breaking them

IamWaggingBrenda · 15/09/2019 20:37

Tbh, I think you’re being a bit selfish. It sounds like you either expect him to go to your DPs every year, or spend Christmas apart. What do you imagine you’ll do if you ever have children? Why don’t you alternate years? I wouldn’t feel like it was Christmas unless I was with MY family Honestly, you do sound very childish.

Original poster
Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:37

@BenWillbondsPants - it’s not particularly that he wants to to, more pressure from his parents I think and feeling like we ‘should’!

OP posts:
BenWillbondsPants · 15/09/2019 20:37

For the record, I would always have preferred to go to my family at Christmas. I enjoyed it much more. BUT as DH wanted to see his family Christmas too we did it year about. That's kind of the normal adult thing to do. Did I really want to? Not really, but I did it for DH.

HappyDinosaur · 15/09/2019 20:38

I also think you should put yourself in his mum's shoes, how would you feel if your child always spent Christmas with someone else's parents?

MountPheasant · 15/09/2019 20:38

If you both want to spend Christmas with your family then alternating is the only fair way to do it. I can’t imagine not spending Christmas with my family but nor can my husband. As there are no kids involved, currently we go our separate ways on Christmas Day and spend boxing together with his parents.

In your case, I would suggest the same as there are no kids- tell him if he wants to spend Xmas day with his family then he can go ahead and do that and you’ll see him boxing. If he doesn’t want to do it without you, too bad IMO.

Once you have kids, you’ll have to alternate. Start readying yourself mentally I would!

NoSquirrels · 15/09/2019 20:38

So my question is, if he’s not bothered but his mother is, do we still have to go so it is fair??

There’s “not bothered” in a “your family is objectively more fun at Christmas but I feel obliged and a bit guilty if I’m not a good son” way, which I think is actually quite common, and “not bothered” in “don’t care about Mum & Dad’s feelings” way, which I wouldn’t like in a partner or potential father of my children ...

Out of interest, what does your mum think? Would she say she’d be sad not to see you at Christmas but she understands totally it’s fair and you’re an adult now, or us she happy to back you up in your always coming to them every year thing?

ShowOfHands · 15/09/2019 20:39

We do Christmas Day with my family and boxing day with the inlaws. Works well as my family adore Christmas and DH's find it stressful and seem much happier on the 26th when we have created a slightly different but rather lovely day of celebration.

Original poster
Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:40

@NoSquirrels - the former. My mum would be devastated if I announced I was going there for Christmas!

OP posts:
BenWillbondsPants · 15/09/2019 20:40

Well you said earlier that you thought he wanted to go to theirs so I'm a little confused as to what's changed.

Have you actually had a proper conversation with him about this?

Scratchyfluffface · 15/09/2019 20:40

You are being exceptionally selfish - it can't be about you and what you want every year, sometimes you need to suck it up to make your partner and his family happy. How would you feel if you'd been to his parents for the past couple of years and he wouldn't even consider going to yours?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/09/2019 20:40

Most people want to go to their own family, with their childhood memories and traditions.

Adult relationships are about give and take and compromise though. I’m amazed that you are into your 30’s and don’t see it.

Is you have a son, would you be happy for him always to go to his partners family for Christmas?

Original poster
Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:41

@MountPheasant - that’s how I would suggest we do it, but feel like his parents would be offended if I looked like I was refusing to go with him!!

OP posts:
Knewmee · 15/09/2019 20:41

I feel so very sorry for his mother reading this. Some day OP you may have adult sons: I think you should ask yourself if this is how you’ll want them to treat you.

You build strong relationships by investing time in them, and by kindness. I’m not seeing any kindness or generosity in your post. Not a smidgen. Sorry to be blunt but it comes across as very selfish.

I hope you go to his parents’ with him, or encourage him to do so without you. Otherwise your perfect Xmas will come at the cost of sadness for an older woman who cared for your partner as a child - would you really enjoy it knowing that? Wouldn’t it take the shine off just a little bit?

Original poster
Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:41

@Scratchyfluffface - if I felt that strongly about it I would go on my own to be honest!

OP posts:
BenWillbondsPants · 15/09/2019 20:41

My mum would be devastated if I announced I was going there for Christmas!

Are you not bothered how his parents feel?

CardsforKittens · 15/09/2019 20:42

It doesn’t matter if your family are the nicest people ever and his are impossible. The point is that if he wants to spend Christmas with them it’s his turn. And if he wants you to join him, you should do it without complaining. Other people’s traditions are different, but that’s just part of being in a relationship. My family wait until after Christmas dinner to open presents; my partner’s family open presents on Christmas Eve. Takes some getting used to! But it’s ok. Unless his family are actually nasty to you, you should just get on with it.

IamWaggingBrenda · 15/09/2019 20:42

he has a minimal relationship with this family really whereas I am very close to mine. He gets on well with mine and spends a lot of time with them as they are local. It would feel like we are only going to be able to make it ‘fair’ when neither of us would really enjoy it

Well, if he only has a minimal relationship with his family, you wouldn’t be having this debate already and it’s only September. Obviously it DOES matter to him and you should be less selfish and do it for his sake, rather than expecting him to do what you want every Christmas. There should be compromise in a relationship - sometimes you give up what you want for your OH.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/09/2019 20:43

Your mum will be devastated?! But his mum has always had to be the one to be devastated, but probably scared to mention it in case of further alienation! You know she wants to see her ds, but your posts sound like you’re just stamping your feet and denying her.

NoSquirrels · 15/09/2019 20:44

@NoSquirrels - the former. My mum would be devastated if I announced I was going there for Christmas!

I’m confused now! ‘The former’ was your Mum NOT being devastated but rather understanding it was the right thing to do. If your mum would really be devastated that’s worrying for future grandparent dynamics.

Look, your OH is a good bloke. He wants his mum to be happy and is willing to put his own preferences aside to make that happen. Support him in this.

Original poster
Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:44

Well this thread has definitely made me think...!

OP posts:
feistymumma · 15/09/2019 20:46

YABU, you either alternate or each one goes to their parents. If he has been to your parents the past few years with you then it's fair to go to his parents this year.

Lazypuppy · 15/09/2019 20:46

I told my OH from the start i eould always spend xmas day wity my mum. He chooses to come with me then his family do something on boxing day. If he wanted to go to his mums he could.

Hopefully we'll have a big enough house this year that we can host my mum and his if she wants to come

ConstanzaAndSalieri · 15/09/2019 20:47

Yabvu.

Was six hours between my parents and my pils at one point.

On at least three occasions we did the drive from one to the other after midnight or first thing on Christmas morning. If it bothers you so much, do that.