Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend Xmas with MY family?

371 replies

Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:12

Yes, having this debate already and it’s only September. Been with OH a few years, last couple of years we have spent Christmas at my parents’, as I have a very close knit family and they are also much nearer to where we live. OH doesn’t have the best relationship with his family but we do visit occasionally and it is always nice when we do. We have started having a debate already about as to whether we would go to his parents’ for Christmas this year. I really would be sad to miss Christmas with my family when we have such a lovely time and so many traditions with friends, neighbours etc. I am not planning to miss it - I think he will be agreeable about it again but it is becoming more and more of a point of tension as his mother particularly would like him at home.

For context we can’t host at ours, not nearly enough room. No children so that’s not a factor. Early 30s. Not enough holiday to be able to book a whole week off and combine the two.

I appreciate it may sound childish but I wouldn’t feel like it was Christmas unless I was with MY family.

When did you start going to the ‘in laws’ for Christmas, if at all, and does anyone feel the same as me?? Maybe it changes if you have children?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 15/09/2019 22:27

*Not sure I'll post on here again.
*
Because a number of posters didn't agree with you? To be fair if you don't include all the relevant info, like why you spent the last two years with your family, then people are going to comment on what you do include.

81Byerley · 15/09/2019 22:28

When I married for the first time, I wanted Christmas how it had been in my family. In my case that had been at home with our parents. Dad was in the army, so we didn't live near family. My husband's memories were less happy, being dragged away from his new toys to spend the morning with Grandparents, then back to his Mum being fraught trying to get the dinner cooked, then parents sleeping in the afternoon. That was it...Christmas over. My mother in law wanted us to go to them, but I made the excuse that it would be easier for us to be at home as our first baby was 4 weeks old, and so started our tradition of going there for Boxing day. It became a very happy tradition, with all their kids bringing their families over the years. When my eldest children were still small, my Mum and Dad expressed their sadness that they never saw the children open the presents they bought them, so we started a tradition of having a pretend Christmas about a week-ten days before. My brother and his family joined in and we took it in turns to host. We all lived about 150 miles apart.
What I'd say to you is that once you have kids, consider starting your own traditions. It's lovely.

brotherhoodofspam · 15/09/2019 22:31

This sort of OP makes me so sad for the MIL. I can only imagine what it would feel like if my son always had to prioritise his partner's family when he grows up. I'd be devastated.

Biancadelrioisback · 15/09/2019 22:33

It sounds like you're not prepared to make a new Christmas with your OH and therefore dont consider him to be your family.

If you're so hung up on your traditions and he has had to fit into your Christmas rather than making it about you two, then cut your losses and end the relationship.

No way would I ever dream of being with someone so selfish.

Of course I preferred spending Christmas with my family, but it's not all about me and DH is my family and was before we were married too. I'd rather spend Christmas with him, wherever we happen to be, than be apart from him because I'm a selfish twat.

ChickenNugget86 · 15/09/2019 22:34

Is there any chance that the in laws could come to your mums house for Christmas and stay over at yours? Might be nice to celebrate it all together.....

I totally get about family traditions and understand how much you want to spend it with your family but think its nice to share when possible.

Sounds a pain as they live far away and not like you have the best relationship. What does your DP want to do? Does he like your family?

MindyStClaire · 15/09/2019 22:41

We've been together since we were 18, mid 30s now. So we separated for years when we were younger and alternated a while after we started living together, which coincided with our engagement and a bereavement.

At first we both felt weird about not being at home, now we enjoy both families for different reasons, and both prefer the afternoon with one family and the evening with the other.

You need to go to his family this year. Relationships need compromise and this is a very small compromise to make to demonstrate to him that he and his family matter to you. And if his family matter to him, even if they don't seem as close as yours, they should matter to you.

Go, and go with a positive attitude. If you're going to have children together, your Christmases will become a mix of traditions from both families as well as some new ones. You don't get to just copy and paste your childhood Christmases, he'll have things that are important to him too. So go, enjoy it, and learn about his family and where he came from.

Ash39 · 15/09/2019 22:43

You don't have kids yet. You should just go to your folks and he should go to his. That's what we did. The dynamics change slightly once you have a family of your own.
Eventually we moved to a bigger house and were able to accommodate everyone

Aberhonddu · 15/09/2019 22:58

Fair enough op, you've made it very clear that you don't want to go to your partners parents house for Christmas, neither does he want to go without you. His mother is putting him under pressure to spend Christmas with them. Your mother would be devastated if you don't go to her house for Christmas. You don't have children but may have them in the future.
You're coming across as a very selfish person. If you do have children and any of them are boys, you may find that your MY family attitude has to change. Or possibly you'll end up being one of those nightmare MILs we read about on here.
I'm assuming you're an adult, ffs try and find a compromise and stop being so dictatorial

StCharlotte · 15/09/2019 23:00

Not sure I’ll post on here again!!

There speaks someone who's been told YABU!

I must say I don't get this sense of obligation to spend Christmas with parents once you've set up your own home. Even when I was single I didn't always go "home" even though I had a great relationship with my family. I don't think I've ever spent two consecutive Christmases with the same people since I left home 35 years ago. Fortunately DH's family are equally laissez faire so no one's emotionally blackmailed obliged to go there either.

PickAChew · 15/09/2019 23:02

My arsehole ex thought like you.

whippetwoman · 15/09/2019 23:16

Eek, I am going against the grain here but to me YANBU. I think you should go to your parents for a lovely Xmas and he should go to his. You don’t have children yet so what’s the problem? I have sons so will perhaps be a MIL at some point but I can’t imagine minding not seeing them on Xmas day. Any time in the holiday would be fine.
I’m with you.

NoSquirrels · 15/09/2019 23:17

that’ll teach me for adding any context as it’s all been picked apart and misconstrued

I really don't think anyone has misconstrued anything you've said. People have just reacted to what you have said. That's different.

There may be totally valid reasons why you've both been at your parents for the last 2 years, but they're not relevant to the future Christmas discussion, presumably.

The future Christmas discussion hinges on whether your bloke is the kind of bloke who would agree to not see his parents at Christmas for the foreseeable future.

Fwiw, I've never cooked Christmas dinner and my DC have never had Christmas 'at home'. My DH hasn't 'been to his parents' for Christmas in about 20 years. So you can extrapolate that he's always at my family for Christmas. But there are many extenuating circumstances, and none of them are 'not wanting to see his parents at Christmas'. My MIL is with us Christmas Day 9 times out of 10.

There are as many ways to 'do' Christmas as there are family set-ups.

The point is, your DH thinks it's probably time to spend it with his folks, and he'd like you to come. If you say no, he won't bother.

In that scenario - barring any terrible bad behaviour from the in-laws, which you don't mention - you'd BOTH be selfish not to go and spend Christmas with his family.

Cakeorchocolate · 15/09/2019 23:18

YABU.
You're a couple. Either alternate or do xmas at your respective families. What's more important, xmas with oh, even at his family? Or xmas with your family?

Christmas is a big deal in my family. Not as much in dhs. Christmas at his family is far less enjoyable for me, despite the fact I love his family, than it is as mine. The same is true for him though. He will obviously prefer Christmas at his family's.

It's also a bigger deal for mine as it is literally the only day of the year all of my family are together (due to where siblings live). We have fairly regular family dinners with his family. So I would love to be able to have that one day each year with mine. But it just wouldn't be fair. So we alternate.

BenWillbondsPants · 15/09/2019 23:27

@Shedoesntevengohere55 No one has 'picked' anything apart. Read your own OP again and try to see how you've come across.

Like you want it all your own way.

GarlicMonsterMunch · 15/09/2019 23:39

I have no siblings, too, OP, I always felt obligated to go to my (abusive) mothers house on Xmas and it was an endurance. Christmas means nothing to me, I don’t work in a place that gets hyped for a week off, and I’m Childfree, and atheist, it’s just fuss and aimless tedium. Once I married my husband (and he legally became my family) I opted out of all the boring hysterics and stay at home with my own family and not pandering to relatives that I don’t like. If you love spending December 25th with your relatives, go for it. Your boyfriend can spend it however he loves it. One day, who cares.

Witchinaditch · 16/09/2019 06:24

Either spend it apart as you’re not married and no kids or do one year with your family one year with his.

proseccoaficionado · 16/09/2019 06:26

We've come to a great agreement: Easter at in laws, Christmas at my parents (they live in the same city as we do, in laws don't). I couldn't bear MIL's face on Christmas day

Photohelp · 16/09/2019 06:30

Most of my friends split for part of Christmas day until they had kids

We've got kids and have alternated every year but I'm about to stop that and start doing xmas at home with my family and visiting in laws on boxing day

Shoxfordian · 16/09/2019 06:31

We do alternate years but we also see both lots of parents over the christmas period.

I'm very close to my parents, dh isn't really close with his but it's only fair to alternate christmases. I'm not religious so its just a day. We see my parents a lot more throughout the year as well.

You need to compromise here op. You may even enjoy yourself

AutumnFabreeze · 16/09/2019 06:34

Well done on alienating your DP from his family.

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 16/09/2019 06:34

If you’re actually serious about each other for example planning marriage and children then you’ll need to stop being selfish about Christmas plans. You said you have already been to your parents for the past two years so of course the poor guy should get to spend Christmas with his family this year. Really you should alternate Christmases when their are children and marriage involved. However if you’re not married maybe just go to your own parents and he can go to his. But I do think in the future you’ll need to cooperate and compromise.

Trafalger · 16/09/2019 06:38

I can see all sides to this..... it was an annual arguement until we had kids where I point blank refused to travel anywhere and everyone was welcome to come to us for christmas day. It's harder as both mums are widows, my mil also has the most annoying dog that sheds hair everywhere and literally trashed our house. I still have to suck it up some years.

thewayoftheplatypus · 16/09/2019 06:50

Until DH and I married we spent every Christmas apart (married early 30s, together since early 20s for context). He loved his families traditions and I loved mine- neither of us wanted to miss out so we didn’t!

After we married we had children almost immediately- and began to alternative christmases then, because we couldn’t not both spend the day with our kids. Now we have a 3 way rotation system in place- one year his family (either at my house or theirs), one year my family (same), and one year at home alone. We love quite a distance from both families and they need to stay over when they visit, so having both here at the same time wouldn’t work.

Do you have to spend Christmas together? I mean, would it upset you both to be apart? If not then could be something to consider- we had a ‘fake christmas’ where we made a dinner and exchanged gifts before we both went home. It was lovely and neither of us ever felt we were missing out

Els1e · 16/09/2019 06:53

I much prefer Christmas with my family and they only live round the corner. And similar to you, the in laws are about 6hrs drive away. But we alternate. It would be hurtful and selfish to do otherwise.

hardyloveit · 16/09/2019 06:54

We alternate between three families. And every year it's different. Two are in the same county so we do one in the am one in the pm then Boxing Day with the third. The next year would be Xmas day with the third n either Boxing Day or before Xmas with the other 2.

Swipe left for the next trending thread