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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend Xmas with MY family?

371 replies

Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:12

Yes, having this debate already and it’s only September. Been with OH a few years, last couple of years we have spent Christmas at my parents’, as I have a very close knit family and they are also much nearer to where we live. OH doesn’t have the best relationship with his family but we do visit occasionally and it is always nice when we do. We have started having a debate already about as to whether we would go to his parents’ for Christmas this year. I really would be sad to miss Christmas with my family when we have such a lovely time and so many traditions with friends, neighbours etc. I am not planning to miss it - I think he will be agreeable about it again but it is becoming more and more of a point of tension as his mother particularly would like him at home.

For context we can’t host at ours, not nearly enough room. No children so that’s not a factor. Early 30s. Not enough holiday to be able to book a whole week off and combine the two.

I appreciate it may sound childish but I wouldn’t feel like it was Christmas unless I was with MY family.

When did you start going to the ‘in laws’ for Christmas, if at all, and does anyone feel the same as me?? Maybe it changes if you have children?

OP posts:
BenWillbondsPants · 15/09/2019 20:24

It would feel like we are only going to be able to make it ‘fair’ when neither of us would really enjoy it.

So, to be clear, are you saying he doesn't want to go to his parents anyway?

Luzina · 15/09/2019 20:24

I think you should alternate, so yes go to his family this year. Have a pre or post xmas day/wknd with your family where you exchange presents etc (could do this at new year maybe?)

In any relationship there needs to be compromise.

Zebrasinpyjamas · 15/09/2019 20:24

We went to our own families until we got married. Then we started alternating years between his family and mine. We made sure we saw both families at some point over the Christmas period though regardless of whose year it was. It's the only fair way.

Original poster
Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:25

@Butterymuffin - we do plan to have children so I appreciate it would be different then. I haven’t really thought decades ahead in terms of Christmases!

OP posts:
Luzina · 15/09/2019 20:25

If you go to his family and its awful he might be happy not to go again

Sunshine93 · 15/09/2019 20:25

Completely selfish of you. You need to grow up and accept that other people matter at Christmas not just you. His poor mum hasn't seen him for several years at Christmas. Of course it's their turn. Whether you go or not is up to you but when you are in a long term relationship with someone it's the norm to spend Christmas with them.

Almost everyone I know alternates christmas or hosts it themselves. Yes it won't be as special to you but it will be special for your DH and his parents. Don't they have a right to that joy as well?

Original poster
Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:26

@BenWillbondsPants - I think he would like to go there with me, but not on his own, as he doesn’t enjoy it there that much! So the ‘why can’t you spend it separately’ doesn’t really work as he doesn’t want to go alone, he wants to spend it with me.

OP posts:
HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 15/09/2019 20:26

I get where you’re coming from because every family does Christmas slightly differently and it’s hard to feel like you’re ‘missing out’ on a ‘proper’ Christmas when you don’t spend it exactly how you always have done.
But, insisting that your family take priority every year is incredibly selfish. Does your DP not deserve a Christmas the way he remembers it? Does he not deserve to see his family? Relationships are about compromise, and treating one another with respect and it doesn’t sound like very much of that is happening here.
Add to that the distance to his family I’m guessing you don’t see them too often throughout the year either so to not spend Christmas there once in a while is a real kick in the teeth.

FWIW we stopped travelling to any family at Christmas after DCs were born. Much easier to stay home than lug all the baby paraphernalia around.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/09/2019 20:26

Yabu. Not fair on his poor mum at all.

Original poster
Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:27

@Zebrasinpyjamas - I think I would feel the same. When not even married I feel like it’s a big ask to start alternating every year...

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 15/09/2019 20:27

It's hardly fair on him to have to go to your family when he wants to go to his. You have 3 choices:

Go with him this year
Go to your respective families and spend Christmas Day apart
Stay home and have your own Christmas together

I don't think it's fair to expect him to just suck it up and go to yours again this year so didn't put it as an option Smile

flowery · 15/09/2019 20:29

Take turns. That’s how it works, that’s how it’s fair, and that’s also how you improve your relationship with your in laws.

EmmiJay · 15/09/2019 20:30

Christmas with his family and New Years with yours as a compromise maybe?

BenWillbondsPants · 15/09/2019 20:30

@Shedoesntevengohere55

So he wants to go there. He has come with you to your parents for the past couple of years, but you don't want to do the same for him this year? Not great OP, is it?

NoSquirrels · 15/09/2019 20:30

I appreciate it may sound childish but I wouldn’t feel like it was Christmas unless I was with MY family

I think everyone feels a bit like this if they have good family relationships. But realistically you won’t get closer relationships with the inlaws unless you spend more time with them. And think how his mum feels - you already live close to your family and her son spends more time with them than her, due to distance, but even when there’s the opportunity to travel, her son is choosing a special time of year with his inlaws again.

I’d make the effort this year so it doesn’t become a ‘thing’.

Sixgeese · 15/09/2019 20:31

While I would prefer to spend every Christmas with my family, we alternate Christmas day but spend another day with the other family. The parents live 3 hours drive apart so seeing them both on Christmas day just isn't practical.

My view is that when DC grow up and fall in love, I would hate it if their partner said we are never going to spend Christmas with your parents as I want to spend it with mine.

Therefore every other year I grin and bear it both for DH sake now and mine in 10/15 years time.

Original poster
Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:31

Interesting replies! I didn’t expect to get so flamed!

So my question is, if he’s not bothered but his mother is, do we still have to go so it is fair??

OP posts:
BeanBag7 · 15/09/2019 20:32

We started alternating after we had a child. Christmas at his family (not that close-knit but perfectly pleasant) isn't that special to me but it is only fair when you have kids and everyone wants to see them.

The actual "date" of Christmas isn't that important. Could you do Christmas with your family on Christmas eve, Christmas at his parents, stay over and come home on boxing day.

TheRLodger · 15/09/2019 20:32

Yanbu I’m an only child which might have something to do with it. But I will always always always push to spend Christmas Day with my parent. And the idea of not doing so makes me quite upset

Original poster
Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:33

@Sixgeese - I can see what you’re saying. I’d be happy to go there on Boxing Day, the issue is our work this year where travelling around Christmas will be really difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:33

@TheRLodger - we seem like a rare breed!!! Blush Sad

OP posts:
Bapman · 15/09/2019 20:35

I think you should alternate or go to his family on boxing day and yours on Christmas or vice versa

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/09/2019 20:35

Yes you do need to still go to his. He’s going along with you for the easy life. Am sure he’d like to spend Christmas with his parents every now and then. You say you have a nice time when you go, so they can’t be that bad. You need to be fairer about it.

HappyDinosaur · 15/09/2019 20:35

Agree with most on here, it really is time to have a Christmas with his family. I'm sure that you are old enough and wise enough to suck it up and make the most of it for one year. You never know you may have a better time than you are expecting! You can always have a mini Christmas with your family a few days before or after to exchange gifts etc. A relationship is about sharing and give and take, it's also a really good idea to try to build relationships with each other's families for your future together if possible.

BenWillbondsPants · 15/09/2019 20:35

So my question is, if he’s not bothered but his mother is, do we still have to go so it is fair??

Buy you just said that he wants to go to his mum's. If he doesn't, then surely it's not an issue?