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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend Xmas with MY family?

371 replies

Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:12

Yes, having this debate already and it’s only September. Been with OH a few years, last couple of years we have spent Christmas at my parents’, as I have a very close knit family and they are also much nearer to where we live. OH doesn’t have the best relationship with his family but we do visit occasionally and it is always nice when we do. We have started having a debate already about as to whether we would go to his parents’ for Christmas this year. I really would be sad to miss Christmas with my family when we have such a lovely time and so many traditions with friends, neighbours etc. I am not planning to miss it - I think he will be agreeable about it again but it is becoming more and more of a point of tension as his mother particularly would like him at home.

For context we can’t host at ours, not nearly enough room. No children so that’s not a factor. Early 30s. Not enough holiday to be able to book a whole week off and combine the two.

I appreciate it may sound childish but I wouldn’t feel like it was Christmas unless I was with MY family.

When did you start going to the ‘in laws’ for Christmas, if at all, and does anyone feel the same as me?? Maybe it changes if you have children?

OP posts:
winniestone37 · 18/09/2019 11:39

You alternate, welcome to married life where you don't behave like a 5 year old Grin

CasanovaFrankenstein · 18/09/2019 15:04

@Shedoesntevengohere55

If you grit your teeth and read the whole lot there's some helpful advice and suggestions.

It's not wrong to want something that's valuable to you. I think for many people Christmas is special as it is very much a once a year thing, not just in the sense of the date itself but for all the reasons that have variously come up - little traditions, people you don't see much of, memories of all the Christmases past. Those things are really powerful.

But you do have to move on a bit from it. Immovable family traditions can end up creating so much trouble. Not to say you can't keep traditions but if everything becomes set in stone it can be very excluding. I can think of one family's tradition that carried on into adulthood - for sisters that meant the partner of one of them had to sleep on the sofa on Christmas Eve!

Plus at some point it will change for whatever reason.

You don't give any real reason to not go - unless there's something distressing - it's time to change it around.

gill1960 · 18/09/2019 19:50

Avoid his parents because of their poor relationship.

And don't allow his family to make you feel guilty about it. If they pull that shit avoid them forever.

spanglydangly · 18/09/2019 20:29

@gill1960 fucking hell I'm glad you're not my DIL!

twenty4seven247 · 19/09/2019 04:57

I can empathise with you OP, because I face the same struggle every year and we have been married for 2 decades. Our compromise - Christmas eve with my family at my parents' (as was tradition for me before marriage) and Christmas day with in-laws (we host).

OooErMissus · 19/09/2019 07:23

And don't allow his family to make you feel guilty about it. If they pull that shit avoid them forever.

There really are some deeply dysfunctional people on Mumsnet. 😳

How come I don't come across such types in real life?

pollymere · 19/09/2019 21:26

I've spent Christmas with DH family who don't really celebrate Christmas. You need to be fair, even if you have a miserable time.

ineedanotherholiday · 19/09/2019 21:31

I think yabu if he comes to your family every year and presumably you see them more often as you live closer.

You haven't actually said what you're dh prefers to do, but if it's to go to his parents then I think it's only fair you do too and alternate years if you can't fit them both in over the Xmas period.

BlueChangeling · 19/09/2019 23:00

I've been extremely lucky for the past 15 years DH and I have always spent Christmas with my family, MIL spends the day with her own mum and sisters, before I came along DH spent Christmas day with friends because MIL said they didn't have a spare seat to accommodate him.

Unfortunately this will likely be her mum's last Christmas and she's already informed us that next year she expects to be invited to ours as she'll have nowhere else to go. I was a bit pissed off with her presumptuousness and the fact she never gave a stuff if DH had anywhere to go as long as she was oK..... But being an adult and being in love with someone means you have to make sacrifices so we've agreed to start rotating Christmas' between our families.

In the change I'm hoping we'll find some new traditions that we'll grow to love.

Stonerosie67 · 19/09/2019 23:46

gill1960 are you always such a bitch?

Vehivle · 20/09/2019 00:00

I only read up to page 3 so apologies if there has been major updates since. But had to say YABVU.

I get it you want to have Christmas with your family, I felt the same. And it's easier to justify it in your mind as your OH isn't bothered or even prefers your family. It doesn't matter!

This is why I cried and was so sad when our 3rd child was our 3rd boy. I love him and my other 2 dearly but I told my husband we will probably spend christmasses all alone as our all sons will be with their wives families. And we will never get to see our grandchildren on Christmas day. Just Christmas eve where they will have to leave early to go to the wife's parents house or boxing day where they will be all tired and festived-out from Christmas day with their other grandparents the day before.

My heart breaks for your mother in law to be as I see my future like hers. She carried your OH for 9 months, birthed him, loved him, raised him. And now hasn't had him home for Christmas in years because he's gone to your mums. It doesn't matter that he's not bothered - I bet his poor mum is.

SnuggyBuggy · 20/09/2019 06:27

@Vehivle

You are assuming a heck of a lot about your DSs futures. Anything could happen.

Vehivle · 20/09/2019 11:37

@SnuggyBuggy

I know. You're right. We are trying to raise our sons in in a home full of love and laughter, with wonderful Christmas traditions, in the hope they will want to spend Christmasses with us in the future when they're grown up. And will bring their kids too (assuming they have them).

lyralalala · 20/09/2019 11:41

@vehivle

That’s a lot of assumptions based on you having boys.

My MIL lives with us. Even before she did she (& FIL) spent every Christmas with us.

The relationship you have with any future DILs or SILs is mostly based on how you treat them rather than them being women.

Spidey66 · 20/09/2019 12:17

Seeing as your family live locally and you see them all the time anyway, all the more reason to alternate. Surely as your fmaily live so lacl, you could drive to his for a few days over Christmas and then maybe see yours at NY?

But yes, incredibly unreasonable of you.

SnuggyBuggy · 20/09/2019 13:20

@Vehivle

The other thing that's important with boys is to treat them as adults who are capable of remembering birthdays and events and making their own social arrangements without being managed by a woman.

There are still far too many people convinced that men are inherently incapable of this and need their mums or wives to do it. I think behind the familiar lament of how the maternal grandparents get more time than the paternal grandparents is often simply a man who can't be bothered to make plans with his family and a MIL who expects her DIL to take over as her DS's social secretary.

That said anything can happen. My FIL married an orphan so his parents ended up with all the Christmases.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 20/09/2019 16:30

That said anything can happen. My FIL married an orphan so his parents ended up with all the Christmases.

Was about to say this. DH is one of 4 boys. In laws are all 200+ miles away. They have a houseful on Xmas day:
BIL 1 plus 4 as SIL has no family
BIL 2 + 4 alternates with his partner’s family
BIL 3 + 1
We don’t go. We visit on a weekend between November and January and take them for a meal instead. We do the same with my parents.

I never understand the angst about where people are on 25th dec. It’s an arbitrary date linked to a supposed event as part of a religion that not everybody follows! I can promise that nothing bad comes of staying home and eating beans on toast if you’re normal!

SnuggyBuggy · 20/09/2019 17:46

I agree Christmas day shouldn't be the be all and end all if you try to keep in touch and spend time with your loved ones all year

fullm00n · 22/09/2019 15:12

Yes of course you’re being unreasonable, and I think you know that. In 30 years, when you (hopefully) have grown up children of your own, would you be ok with never seeing them at Christmas because of their self centred other halves? Unless he’s an absolute doormat, you’ll lose him.

PeachyPeachTrees · 24/09/2019 11:34

One of the reasons you and DH are not close with his parents is because you hardly see them at any time of year, whereas you see yours a lot. The other reason is because you and DH live near your parents. I am guessing that was all down to you. Now, because you live near one and not the other it gives a 'reason' not to see his on Christmas day. You're married now and your DH's family are part of the package.

Imagine if your future kids choose to live near their in laws and spend Christmases with them and not you? How would you feel? Put yourself in your MIL shoes.

autumndreaming · 24/09/2019 11:53

I would be devastated to spend Christmas away from my family, but if my OH asked if we could go to his family (nine hour drive so would be for the whole time!) I would go, no question. It is selfish not to. You aren't the only one who matters here.

Having said that OH's work commitments have meant that we've always been with my family, who are local to us.

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