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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to spend Xmas with MY family?

371 replies

Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:12

Yes, having this debate already and it’s only September. Been with OH a few years, last couple of years we have spent Christmas at my parents’, as I have a very close knit family and they are also much nearer to where we live. OH doesn’t have the best relationship with his family but we do visit occasionally and it is always nice when we do. We have started having a debate already about as to whether we would go to his parents’ for Christmas this year. I really would be sad to miss Christmas with my family when we have such a lovely time and so many traditions with friends, neighbours etc. I am not planning to miss it - I think he will be agreeable about it again but it is becoming more and more of a point of tension as his mother particularly would like him at home.

For context we can’t host at ours, not nearly enough room. No children so that’s not a factor. Early 30s. Not enough holiday to be able to book a whole week off and combine the two.

I appreciate it may sound childish but I wouldn’t feel like it was Christmas unless I was with MY family.

When did you start going to the ‘in laws’ for Christmas, if at all, and does anyone feel the same as me?? Maybe it changes if you have children?

OP posts:

FelicisNox · 17/09/2019 21:17

@Shedoesntevengohere55 ignore the spiteful comments.... I don't post my own threads for the same reason.

You're not selfish or childish and I can see you understand you need to compromise if that's what's required of you and obviously your DP opinion is more important than ours... just about anyone who's ever asked anything gets that.

You're not alone in feeling the way you do. I've been incredibly lucky and don't have to deal with my in laws as they don't do Christmas so we've always been able to spend it with our kids and my family who are great.

Kids only change things if that's your choice.

Why don't you break with tradition and maybe just spend it together in a cabin with a hot tub? You can always have another Christmas with your family on your next available weekend off.

PEkithelp · 17/09/2019 21:35

We alternate and although it was very hard the first year (lots of secret sobs ) I now genuinely look forward to the traditions we have with OH’s family. YABU

Tubs11 · 17/09/2019 21:35

I think you're using the lack of their closeness not to spend Christmas with his family. Relationships are about comprising so you guys should really be looking at alternative years

chillandrelax · 17/09/2019 21:38

We see my husbands family on Boxing Day. Should probably alternate. If he wanted to we would but he isn't bothered. I always organised it, if left to him we would go at all.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 17/09/2019 21:58

We always went to my family until I had 4 children and a bigger house than my parents and then they came, and still do come, to us.
DH is close to his mum but I like to be at home for Xmas - my mum lives around the corner. I would never go to his family - it wouldn’t feel like Xmas, but they could come to us, thankfully they never do.
Most people do every other year and swap for New Year’s Day - I’m just lucky.

jwpetal · 17/09/2019 21:59

you are in a relationship and his family is just as important as yours. Of course, Christmas is different, Do you want to be that person who doesn't 'allow' their partner to be with their family? Just because he doesn't show or say the same emotions does not mean it is important. We always like what we are used to. Don't be that person. you are an adult in an adult relationship.

scubadive · 17/09/2019 23:43

You need to go to his every so often, it’s really not fair on his mum. Imagine if he was your son and he never came to you for Xmas but instead went to his partners family. You would be devastated.

You have to just suck it up, it’s part of being in a couple. You would only have to take one days holiday after Boxing Day and then it’s the weekend, you could still spend sometime with your family and have another Xmas.

In future save holiday, take the 3 days off between Xmas and new year and do Xmas at one, new year at the other and alternate each year.

scubadive · 17/09/2019 23:47

@Toomuchtrouble4me

My goodness, your DH is close to his mum and yet has never spent Xmas with her since being with you!

I wonder if you will be so ‘lucky’ with your own children. How would you feel if they never come to you when they grow up but every year went to their partners. You may see it as totally utterly selfish and heartless then and not lucky.

helpIhateclothesshopping · 18/09/2019 00:03

We used to alternate which family we spent Christmas with from when we first got married. However since we've had kids we haven't spent Christmas with the inlaws ever, partly because they live abroad and the expense and difficulty of travelling over the Christmas season is a factor and partly because the relationship with his family has been strained at times. Generally I would alternate unless there was a good reason not to. We did compromise one year and go abroad the day after boxing day and spent New Year with them, which also kind of worked well.

Barney60 · 18/09/2019 00:39

you have a few choices here...
take in turns one each year.
each go to own parents.
invite both sets of parents to one house.
Have lunch with one set tea with the other.
Meet both somewhere in the middle in a hotel.
sorry ,but you are being selfish wanting to go to yours only every year, how must his parents feel!

ToffeePennie · 18/09/2019 00:59

We did one Christmas with my parents and one with my in-laws until my first was born, then we hosted Christmas at ours for both sets of parents.
For two years we were living with the in-laws, one year we went to my sister in laws, the other year we were at the house alone because my in-laws went to my sister in laws. When baby number 2 was born we did Christmas at my parents because we were already living with them and I had only just got out of hospital.
When we finally had our own place and two kids we spent Christmas on our own, just the four of us, and we plan on that being our tradition from here on in.

Sasstal67 · 18/09/2019 03:54

My son is dating someone like you, who only considers their own preferences. He's spending Christmas, as he does most of his time, with her family. Since she had zero interest in visiting his family, and loudly expresses her dislike of being here when she did, he has now taken to insisting he wants whatever she wants.

She is spoilt by her father, who ensures she gets everything she wants. Apparently her family are perfect in every way and we are found very much wanting.

There's nothing we can do about it and we can all see it only getting worse when/if she has his children. It's hurtful, upsetting, entirely needless and says far more about her personality than it does our family.

Celestine70 · 18/09/2019 05:10

Yes you YABU.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 18/09/2019 06:29

cubadive

@Toomuchtrouble4me

My goodness, your DH is close to his mum and yet has never spent Xmas with her since being with you!

I think you do lose boys a bit to their parents but I have 2 of each so not bothered about that.
Also - My family live all around us, his live over an hour away. I have Xmas at home - my family choose to come, his don’t.
They know they could come and would be welcomed if they wanted to but they like to be at home - which suits me. So I’m lucky.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 18/09/2019 06:32

*Toomuchtrouble4me

@Toomuchtrouble4me

My goodness, your DH is close to his mum and yet has never spent Xmas with her since being with you!

Rezie · 18/09/2019 06:36

@Sasstal67 doesn't some of the responsibility fall on your son?

I think OP is getting some harsh responses. She was merely asking if others have felt the same. At least my reading is that they havent had a row but but they are talking about it and she is feeling a bit sad and worried about missing out. I do think her feelings are valid. The partners feeling are also valid. She is just processing them on an forum where the purpose is to find other people who have felt the same and have coped with it.

Grobagsforever · 18/09/2019 07:21

All this stress over one day! This is why I opt out of Christmas

Boobiliboobiliboo · 18/09/2019 07:28

Me too. It’s a bloody made up event and people are already going crackers over it. 🤯

ChilledBee · 18/09/2019 08:04

Sounds like an unselfish and compassionate partner would be keen to have their partner spend special holidays with their family to try and strengthen the relationship.

spanglydangly · 18/09/2019 08:10

Your mum being devastated about you not going there is so wrong, it's ok for your DHs mother to never have Christmas?

You've inherited your mothers very selfish traits I'm afraid.

Fr4n · 18/09/2019 10:14

We have six children between us and I love Christmas at our home with everyone, so more than twelve on average!

Five years ago our youngest two could not be with us and I was so down about the hole Christmas, I still got the shopping and presents but for Christmas itself I just wanted it gone! Anyway my husband said the four of us at home should have Christmas dinner out but at £400 I thought it far to much and that would almost pay for all the food for that week! So with NO will, cooked Christmas dinner whilst watching something’s on TV and made an effort but the best thing of all I realised was I had a bit of a break and actually watch Christmas TV, dinner was no stress and really enjoyable and the boys helped clear up! We had a lovely Christmas and I will always look forward now to two very different Christmases! One that’s so busy and full of family I love and want to see more and less family that I love but a restful fun time too!

Enjoy all your family and include everyone, his mum and family if you can, make it nice for them at Christmas, it’s what Christmas is about! X

NotBeforeCoffee · 18/09/2019 10:32

Relationships are about compromise. You are being selfish. You need to work out a way to share it
We do every other Christmas at each family. I don’t particularly enjoy being at the in laws, but you have to do it

caringcarer · 18/09/2019 10:50

Go to his parents on Xmas Eve so there for most of Xmas day and then leave late on Xmas Day to travel back to your parents for Boxing Day. We did this in early years of our marriage and we travelled for 3 hours each way. There is no traffic on road late Xmas Day so travelling not too bad, plus you can chat on way and share the driving. Service stations are open. If you want relationship to work you must learn to share and not be so selfish. Think of his Mum, she loves him and wants to see him at Xmas. What will it be like if you have children together? Will his Mum get to see grandchildren or just your Mum?

caringcarer · 18/09/2019 10:55

Just thought could you spend Xmas with set of parents and New Year with the other set.

from123toabc · 18/09/2019 10:57

you sound very controlling.

You say he has a minimal relationship with his family- no wonder when he never gets to spend time with them.
How would you feel if he decided it was important to him to spend christmas every year with his family and you had to oblige.

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