Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend Xmas with MY family?

371 replies

Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:12

Yes, having this debate already and it’s only September. Been with OH a few years, last couple of years we have spent Christmas at my parents’, as I have a very close knit family and they are also much nearer to where we live. OH doesn’t have the best relationship with his family but we do visit occasionally and it is always nice when we do. We have started having a debate already about as to whether we would go to his parents’ for Christmas this year. I really would be sad to miss Christmas with my family when we have such a lovely time and so many traditions with friends, neighbours etc. I am not planning to miss it - I think he will be agreeable about it again but it is becoming more and more of a point of tension as his mother particularly would like him at home.

For context we can’t host at ours, not nearly enough room. No children so that’s not a factor. Early 30s. Not enough holiday to be able to book a whole week off and combine the two.

I appreciate it may sound childish but I wouldn’t feel like it was Christmas unless I was with MY family.

When did you start going to the ‘in laws’ for Christmas, if at all, and does anyone feel the same as me?? Maybe it changes if you have children?

OP posts:
ItsJustASimpleLine · 15/09/2019 20:47

I was like you. I didn't want to visit in-laws and give up.my special Christmas with family. We went separate.until we were married then I pushed for Christmas lunch with my family and the evening with DH. this worked ok, I really worried each Christmas would be my grandparents last and just couldn't force myself to change. However, for our DD first Christmas I realised I was remembering my family Christmas through rosetinted glasses and it wasnt all it was cracked up to be. We now have Christmas at home as our family and see parents and ILs on Boxing Day.

My advice is, it's hard for kids to be presented with presents then leave them to visit family so you may wish to make you're own family traditions in the future so now would be a good time to alternate if its important to you DP.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 15/09/2019 20:49

OP, I am someone who really can't be bothered to get into the neverending 'whose turn to host Christmas ' / alternating trips to one side of the family or the other. Which is why Dh and made it clear from the day we married, that Christmas Day would need, And later on dcs, in our own home. It has served us well for almost 40 years. In your case, I do feel that if your oh wants to spend Christmas with his family, it would indeed be very selfish of you to insist that he comes to your family instead. You say he doesn't have the beat relationship with his family - maybe part of that is that he doesn't see them at Christmas, preferring to spend the time at his in-laws. I could be wrong of course, but I can see why his family would feel pushed out.

NoSquirrels · 15/09/2019 20:49

feel like his parents would be offended if I looked like I was refusing to go with him!!

Well, they probably would be. Quite naturally. So if you want a nice grown-up relationship then you need to decide - AM I the person who doesn’t mind offending my OH’s parents, or am I someone else?

Honestly, OP, even if it’s the worst time ever you’ll have tales to tell and a good reason not to go back. Go there this year, at your family next year, maybe by year 3 the personal landscape will have changed and you can host. The longer you leave it to not go the worse it will be.

PurpleDaisies · 15/09/2019 20:49

Yabu. It’s not fair to always dictate where you go for Christmas.

Pastaagain78 · 15/09/2019 20:49

Yabu. How would you feel if you were his mum? How would you like to be treated by your potential future son? You need to mature a bit.

PumpityPumpPump · 15/09/2019 20:50

We have been together 20 years and never had a Christmas with his family as I always insisted on spending it with mine. 😟

I don't have a great relationship with my MIL (she is quiet, I am quiet, 2 quiet people not saying much). I wish I had made more of an effort and alternated between my family and his as I think it would have improved things between us all.

Scratchyfluffface · 15/09/2019 20:51

@Shedoesntevengohere55 and you wouldn't kick up a fuss/make him feel guilty about not spending Christmas together? Besides you can only do separate Christmases for so long, unless you would be happy with him taking your children to his parents for Christmas while you go on your own to yours?

Sultanainasalad · 15/09/2019 20:52

If it means that much to you to be home for Christmas then each go to your respective families. That's what we did until we had children in our late 30's and now we alternate. When we lived together but apart from our families we didn't mind being apart for Christmas and it was lovely to go home and catch up with old friends and family. It helped that I was/ am a huge fan of Christmas and my dh wasn't particularly bothered.

BenWillbondsPants · 15/09/2019 20:52

When we had our DC we had Christmas at ours and invited both sets of parents.

OP, you say you want to like all your family traditions etc., but perhaps it's time to start your own.

pumkinspicetime · 15/09/2019 20:53

Is you have a son, would you be happy for him always to go to his partners family for Christmas?

Turn and turn about unless there are extenuating circumstances.
Arrange to do something nice for New Years with your family.

bridgetreilly · 15/09/2019 20:53

You go with him, like a grown up in a relationship who understands that sometimes that entails compromises, and maybe you arrange a 'second Christmas' with your family on another day?

HavelockVetinari · 15/09/2019 20:54

Why don't you spend Christmas apart? DH and I did this till we married, it was fine. We now alternate, and we have DC so it's unfair not to allow both sets of grandparents the joy of Christmas with children. I do miss my family and our traditions when it's my in-laws' turn, but give and take is necessary in a good relationship.

StCharlotte · 15/09/2019 20:54

When not even married I feel like it’s a big ask to start alternating every year... But it's fine to completely disregard his family?

And what would you do if they were as fun as yours?

GreytExpectations · 15/09/2019 20:56

Op you are being very selfish and childish. Things like Christmas is a perfect example of compromise in a relationship. It's worrying that you seem to think nothing is wrong with your attitude to not want to compromise? You OH obviously wants you both to go to his parents and you should as its only fair and I feel so bad for his parents not getting to see their son on Christmas while he goes to another family's every year!

Fwiw, I feel so grateful that my family and my in laws live a 20 minute drive from each other so we actually split the day in half and get to see both... Means we get two Christmas dinners (my mums is the better one though 😂)

Beldon · 15/09/2019 21:01

If he doesn’t want to go to his family then that does change it, just be careful you are not guilt tripping him and he is just going along with your plans to keep you happy. I’d still probably make an effort to go to his family every few years though. I’d be devastated if my son always chose in-laws every Christmas

Outsomnia · 15/09/2019 21:08

Oh and the Christmas angst begins again.

Do what you want to do. Let DP do his thing.

FlamedToACrisp · 15/09/2019 21:08

In my experience, the important thing is NOT to do the same thing every Christmas. Otherwise, if you decide you'd like to do something different, it can become a grievance. And either way, it would be fairer to take turns to choose. Or... maybe suggest making a tradition of going to his parents for Easter?

GreytExpectations · 15/09/2019 21:13

Off topic slightly but I don't understand all these couples who spend Christmas apart with their own families. Seems... Selfish? For one, it's nice to spend Christmas with your loved one and personally with our families, my family would be quite devastated to not see my DH on Christmas and vice versa with my in laws.

pimbee · 15/09/2019 21:21

Don't you think his family want to see him? Stop being so selfish, alternate Christmas, or act like 16 year olds and spend Christmas apart at your own parents. Seriously you're in your 30s and you can't see the issue here?

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 15/09/2019 21:21

I’m with you OP on this one. No way would I sack off my parents to go and spend Christmas with my partners family who he doesn’t really get along with. If he wants to go then suggest he goes alone.

Outsomnia · 15/09/2019 21:22

We are going to Estepona in Spain for Christmas, just the two of us.

The rest of our families can do happy families, no worries, and we will all meet up in ours for a hoolie in late January when it is grey and dreary. All paid for by us, happy days for everyone.

We see our families regularly, so don't see the point of putting on extra pressure at Christmas. It is just one day, and we will all get together later as I said.

I do understand that it may not be that simple for others. But sometimes you just do have to speak up and do your own thing too. It is just one boring day after all!

Parttimewasteoftime · 15/09/2019 21:22

OP not going to lie my family did boxing day with our traditions first time around. Its hard but you need to join as a family we do have DCs now and honestly prefer in law Christmas to "my family" Christmas 🎄
Could you do a bit of both say am with yours and pm with in laws?

fedup21 · 15/09/2019 21:25

Never-I have never had Christmas with my in laws Blush

Ginger1982 · 15/09/2019 21:28

Sorry you need to compromise here and when you have kids you will definitely have to compromise. You can't have it all your own way and given you've spent all past Christmas's with your family it's only fair to give his folks a shot. How would you feel if you never saw your child at Christmas?

Saying your mum would be devastated if you don't go to your family is pretty unfair and quite emotionally blackmailing.

notso · 15/09/2019 21:30

I find this mindset really childish and somewhat pathetic.
We rarely have Christmas with PIL because two of DH's siblings have the same attitude as OP. Once in 19 years they agreed to come to us but only if we invited the overgrown chicks and their families too Hmm

Swipe left for the next trending thread