To feel ashamed of wanting a baby so young?

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I'm 23 and fully aware that lots of women have had their DC at my age and younger (including my own DM). My partner of 6 years thinks having DC is something older people do, and has said he wants at least two but not until I'm over 30 as he doesnt think we'll be financially ready (he makes over 30k, I'm on minimum wage) or done doing stuff just the two of us until then. My parents meanwhile mention grandchildren wistfully in passing then panic that they're encouraging me to have DC young and give me a lecture on doing more with my life than they did first. Add to that the whole "children ruin your life" "women are trapped by children" narrative and I just feel stuck. Most of my friends from my home city have children, but none of my university friends that i live near now do so I'd expect judgement from my immediate circle as well.

I just feel like that's the next step in life I want to take. I've wanted DC for years, I have dreams where I'm pregnant or chasing a toddler or dropping off a teenager at school. I really want that life but it feels so unattainable right now. I know all I have to do is wait, but what am I waiting for? It seems such a waste to count the years down doing nothing purposeful with my life until its finally okay.

Ive lived with my partner for two years already. Ideally I'd like to be married first as well, which we've already spoken about and agree on more or less everything, though when I jokingly brought up proposing myself he shot me down and said he really wanted to do it as soon as he got a better paid job (which he has now, as of a few months ago) so I guess I'm waiting for that too.

I just feel so stuck in limbo and like I cant do anything or suggest anything without it being the wrong path in life to take. Aibu to feel this way?

What are your plans to increase your earning potential?

30 is when you're classed as an older mother, need more care and monitoring as it because more and more unsafe and unlikely you'll convince.

I'm 23 and 22 weeks pregnant now. Took a while to convince DP to start trying when we did but he said he wanted them by the time he was 30, started talking about it when he turned 30, then started trying when he was 32. He kept saying he wanted then but didnt know when the right time was.

Dont wait until your 30 OP, you may regret it if you find out you cant even have children at that point.

What are you waiting for?

Having a better paid job?
Having savings behind you?
Growing up and maturing?
Travelling, having fun and lots of sleep?
Making sure this is the right person to settle down with and have children?
Further education?

Don’t waste your youth. You’ve plenty of time to have a baby and believe me it’s not all roses once you do. It’s bloody hard work. Fulfil your life in other ways OP.

I certainly think you need to look to be earning more than minimum wage -you say you have uni friends, why aren’t you using your degree?

There’s nothing wrong with being a younger mum (though if none of your friends around you have DC you might feel a litttle out of it being the first, and for a long while) but financial stability is a good starting point. You need to be able to earn your own living.

30 is when you're classed as an older mother, need more care and monitoring as it because more and more unsafe and unlikely you'll convince.

hahahhaahhaa!
No it isn't. Try 40.

Don't waste your youth. You earn a pittance, your partner's on a low wage - it's not a good time.

Sounds like you want children right now tbf. You’ve both agreed marriage then children which is safer options for you I’d you know you aren’t going to work full time afterwards. So get on career path, earn more now so you have savings and can afford the wedding. Then you have choices. It’s not just his responsibility

It seems such a waste to count the years down doing nothing purposeful with my life until its finally okay.

Then, don’t!

Why don’t you spend the next few years doing something purposeful with your career-something to stop you earning minimum wage?

It’s your body! Totally up to you. I wanted to travel extensively and get a great career first- which I’ve done and I am happy with my choice. Only you know what you want, it’s your life 😊

You aren't married.
You are on a minimum wage.
Do you have savings?
It also isn't clear what your housing situation is?
Having a baby in your situation doesn't sound like it would be disaster but it doesn't sound optimal.
Babies don't stay babies for very long. You need to have a life that works for you with or without dc.
It is possible to sort out a career after dc but it is easier to get it sorted first and go back to it.
Work out what kind of life you want minus the kids, sort out the rest of it then have the dc.

30 is not when you are considered an older mother.

I had my first at 31 and the GP said "Ooh you're a young mum" at my booking in appointment. I was also the 2nd youngest at my ante-natal classes.

23 to me seems young to start a family although we are all different and it's the norm for lots of people. However your dp isn't ready therefore it's not an option for you is it?

It’s tricky. I was with my partner from being 17, and we had our first at 27. Personally I’m glad I waited til then as we got to do lots of fun stuff and amazing holidays and felt truly ready by then. But if it’s something you really want to do now then I’m sure you’d not regret it. I think this is a go with your gut situation personally. For me 27 was perfect, I still felt young but also like I’d achieved things - though of course you can still achieve things with children!

I’m laughing at the idea of 30 being an old mother! I was the youngest of my baby pals, most were mid-30s and some over 40. It’s absolutely normal to start having babies at 30, and definitely not unsafe?!?? Obviously you’re generally more fertile when you’re younger but 30 is not old at all!!!

Also 30 isn’t old 😂 I’m 34 and classed as having a normal, healthy pregnacy with no special treatment.

'30 is when you're classed as an older mother, need more care and monitoring as it because more and more unsafe and unlikely you'll convince.'

'Young mothers have a better chance of healthier babies due to egg quality'

Ah yes the grand old age of 30 when your ovaries start to shrivel up, then black and you're practically a geriatric! Utterly stupid comments!
Personally I don't feel you are in a good finically position for a baby OP and if your partner isn't on board it's not fair to try it force his hand. A child is the biggest commitment you can make. Don't wish your life away!

Well why don’t you go out and earn enough to have them? There’s nothing wrong with having children as soon as you can afford them but there are many, many things wrong with having children you can’t provide for.

I think it's safe to guess that PoppingOneOutIn2020 is not a doctor or midwife because part of her post is based on old wives tales instead of fact.

There's nothing wrong with wanting kids, to want to be a mother at any age, but it's also great to be financially independent and stable, to have a job or career you enjoy and invest it, to see new places, to have a house (brought or rented) where you feel safe and secure. It's not all cuddling babies and chasing toddlers, there's a lot of shit. Literally. Shit. Everywhere. (Can you tell I've changed a lot of nappies today?!)

I don’t like society’s mindset of waiting till your 30 now no matter what your situation. Biologically women are really supposed to have babies in their late teens, early twenties.
If you want to have babies young there is nothing wrong with that. It’s normal. If you wait till your thirties it will prob be fine but if you have fertility problems it’s not a great starting point. I work in this area hth.
It is often the man that delays having a family with a long term partner, then dumps then woman once she hits/gets past their supposed perfect date and ends up moving on with someone else ( normally younger and jumping straight into making babies). Don’t fall into that trap.
Be frank with your partner. You don’t want to have babies that late. Have the conversation now. Not in 5 years time.

Can you afford to have kids at 23?

It feels so unattainable right now is the bit of your post that really stood out for me. Largely because that's how I felt at about 25. I had my first DC just after I turned 27. I remember seeing friends having children and panicking that it would never happen for us.

Now that I have 3 children, although I wouldn't change anything I do rather wonder what the rush was. I personally think it's a bit like when you say it children that their school days are the best years of their lives. They won't know it until those years have gone. A lot of parents will say, treasure your sleep, travel and do things with no commitments. Until you're a parent though it's impossible to appreciate that.

My advice to you is to decide what you want from life aside from children. Then work children into your bigger plan.

Your partner isn't ready so surely that is the answer. Having kids is not a bed of roses and if your partner is not on board and you would struggle financially then I really wouldn't

God i could have been you at your age.

I ended up divorced with two kids before i was thirty. One had SN, will possibility need life long care, definitely support. I had no career (id put mine on the back burner to have kids) and no chance of spousal support because of such a short marriage (10 years together but that didnt count)

Please live a little and build a career. There really is no rush and sometimes life really doesnt work out to plan

It’s okay to daydream about having kids and have the urge to get pregnant, but not okay to act on it when you have a partner who isn’t on the same page.

You mention earning minimum wage but then don’t go on to say anything about increasing your earning potential before kids which seems strange when you’ve said ‘what am I waiting for?’ Are you planning to remain on NMW for the foreseeable and have kids while you have no earning power? As if I were in your partner’s shoes I’d be very wary having kids with someone who wasn’t contributing that much financially to the relationship given that kids cost money. Are you expecting him to finance everything a child needs/cover everything while you’re on maternity leave/pay for childcare as your wage won’t cover it?

If you’re serious about wanting kids it takes a lot more than just the urge to make a baby to do it properly. Sit down with your partner and decide on a timeline, what you both need to have achieved by that point, how much money you want saved in the bank, where you want your careers to be, rough timeframe for engagement and marriage, your plans for housing. Then appreciate this time in your life as starting to feather your nest and make sure you are doing the best you can for your children when they eventually arrive.

At 23 I was in a state mentally having just lost a parent, earning NMW, living in a rented flat and then a houseshare, with a degree that was no use to me. I knew I wanted kids. Knuckled down, went back to uni to qualify in a profession that’d pay a decent wage, met a partner who also wanted a family around the same time as me, built our relationship up, decided on a timeframe, started saving money like crazy, bought a house without any help from anyone else and finally TTC when I was just 31 (with a plan to marry during the pregnancy). I’m bringing my baby into a secure home with two educated married parents, and a decent household income that can provide for his needs. At 23 you have to ask yourself what you can really offer a baby at this point in your life practically, emotionally and financially.

Some 23 year olds have it all together and are ready btw but it doesn’t sound like you are in that place yet (by default you’re not anyway as you don’t have an enthusiastic ready father to be).

It's all very normal and natural to feel how you do, it's hormones. But you can and need to be pragmatic, if I were you I would concentrate on your earning potential, now is the time to work on your career, minimum wage is well, minimal and your DP's wages aren't exactly huge. The best mother you can be right now is the one preparing for her future children, as cheesy as that sounds, developing your skills and experience to provide for your family, and hopefully you will enjoy it and be distracted until it is the right time.

You’re a great age to have kids. Don’t feel guilty for wanting them young. You certainly wouldn’t be wasting your youth as some posters suggest by having kids at your age. You’d be giving you children the best chance of being healthy and having their parents around for a long time.

I had my kids young, and I’m not going lie, it’s been great and I wouldn’t change a thing. Expect perhaps a lottery win!
My dds always tell me how pleased they are that I’m not as old as most of their friends parents and we have a great relationship.

You need to get your partner on board though. Maybe a compromise of 25?