To feel ashamed of wanting a baby so young?

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I'm 23 and fully aware that lots of women have had their DC at my age and younger (including my own DM). My partner of 6 years thinks having DC is something older people do, and has said he wants at least two but not until I'm over 30 as he doesnt think we'll be financially ready (he makes over 30k, I'm on minimum wage) or done doing stuff just the two of us until then. My parents meanwhile mention grandchildren wistfully in passing then panic that they're encouraging me to have DC young and give me a lecture on doing more with my life than they did first. Add to that the whole "children ruin your life" "women are trapped by children" narrative and I just feel stuck. Most of my friends from my home city have children, but none of my university friends that i live near now do so I'd expect judgement from my immediate circle as well.

I just feel like that's the next step in life I want to take. I've wanted DC for years, I have dreams where I'm pregnant or chasing a toddler or dropping off a teenager at school. I really want that life but it feels so unattainable right now. I know all I have to do is wait, but what am I waiting for? It seems such a waste to count the years down doing nothing purposeful with my life until its finally okay.

Ive lived with my partner for two years already. Ideally I'd like to be married first as well, which we've already spoken about and agree on more or less everything, though when I jokingly brought up proposing myself he shot me down and said he really wanted to do it as soon as he got a better paid job (which he has now, as of a few months ago) so I guess I'm waiting for that too.

I just feel so stuck in limbo and like I cant do anything or suggest anything without it being the wrong path in life to take. Aibu to feel this way?

Some people are never in a "good financial place" to have a baby. It's a good job they don't all wait.
Despite the fact we need people to do the unskilled, minimum wage jobs, people can have children at whatever point in their lives they wish to.
And for what it's worth the age 35 is when you're considered a geriatric primigravida

I remember feeling incredibly broody when I was in my mid 20s; I felt desperate to have a baby. I read an article by Irma Kurtz, an agony aunt of the day, who said the thing to remember is that even if you have a baby, it doesn't stop you feeling broody for another. It's a hormonal thing. As soon as my daughter was born (when I was in my 30s) I felt a massive urge to have another immediately. Some urges have to be resisted, OP! It's just your body reminding you to reproduce, but there's no guarantee you wouldn't feel identical after you have a baby.

OP I don't necessarily think you're being unreasonable, but it is a joint decision between you both, and if your OH isn't ready, then it won't hurt to put it off for a little while, although I would like him to agree to approach the subject at an agreed time, say a year or 2 in the future perhaps.

I myself followed in my mum's footsteps, I had my first at 17 and a half, second at just short of 19, and third at 21. I am 25 and a half now and currently 30 weeks pregnant with our fourth.

I didn't do the things other people my age would have done. I never went out partying or drinking. Then again I've never been that way inclined and my kids are my life and wouldn't have done anything differently if I had been given the opportunity. Others will definitely disagree with me but people have to remember it's not their life. They all have the same dad and we're still together after 12 years (never had any relationships before ours so I think it makes it extra special).

30 is not old in fact the average age to have a baby is over 30 now. I had DD at 25 and am always the youngest at every baby and toddler group. And I have been to loads

OP you are so young, take this opportunity to live a little before you have DC's. Having kids doesn't ruin your life, but there are so many things to experience before you become a parent. You've got loads of time left before you're an "older" mum.

30 is when you're classed as an older mother, need more care and monitoring

That's not true in our area, I suspected, me being pregnant at 35 would make me an old mother, the midwife said absolutely not, these days women are waiting until later. I did not need any extra monitoring.

30k and minimum wage is not considered a great income, but people have done it on a lot less and been successful parents.

Would you be scrimping and counting pennies or do you live quite cheaply and have disposable income?

Do you have any savings to fall back on to support you if needed?

Would you get married before getting pregnant ?

Just a few points to think about

YABU, but not because of your age.

It's not about how much money but more security. Are you in a secure, healthy relationship and be honest. Do you see yourself with your DP in 10 years (as you're not married you could easily split on a whim)? Are you working your way up the career ladder?

Nothing about age, but make sure you're really ready.

In the nicest possible way - get a life! There is a damn sight more to living than child-rearing and PP are spot on when they say it isn't all 'Kodak moments'. The reality is quite different.

Also, I am wondering why you don't think university or indeed building a career is 'purposeful'? Why don't you think there is any point? Are you expecting to be a kept woman?

Finally, your DP is telling you, loud and clear that he isn't ready for marriage and children yet. Why aren't you hearing him?

Get married, start working on a plan to increase your earnings, reassess in 5 years would be my advice.

I had my first at 23. It is too young. I really feel like I missed out and we have struggles financially too. It still is really hard and I am now about to turn 30 with 2 kids.
DS was a mircale because we were told we would never be able to have children without IVF and then I fell pregnant with him so I can't say I wish we had waited but if I could have waited another couple of years and known I would still get my kids exactly as they are but maybe quieter and more prone to sleeping late in the morning then I would have given us a few more years of weekends in strange cities and a bit more money.

Nothing to be ashamed of. I had ds at 20. Planned.

Nobody is ever really financially "ready" for a baby imo. There's never a "good" time.

If its what you want sack off the bf and find someone who shares that want.

I personall

as you're not married you could easily split on a whim

Married people split too. How many "my husband is cheating" threads are on here.

30 is not an old mother! 😂😂😂 I'm 32 and pregnant. I don't need any special care or anything and have a very very low risk result from screening of having a baby with Downs (1 in 49,000). I actually feel too young to be doing this right now if I'm honest! Even 32 years ago my mum had me at 30!

OP is there anything else you want to do with your life first? When I was your age I was really keen to get a bigger house, travel, get a really good career, feel secure financially etc. I only just feel like I've achieved that now at 32 and sometimes still panic that I'm putting my career backwards by having a baby. I would say if it's what you really want only you know, but waiting isn't always terrible. There's lots of fun to be had as a pair!!

Age is irrelevant really, it's being ready (not just emotionally but also financially etc.)

I had my DD at 25 but we were married, owned a house, both had careers and savings. For me, those things were more important than our ages.

I personally would not have a baby in your position. Women need to think about financially stability. Get your career in order and then have a baby. This is true even if you are going to be a SAHm. You need to have a job to go back to just in case.

YANBU to want a child but unfortunately you need to wait until your partner is on the same page.

@PoppingOneOutIn2020

“30 is when you’re unlikely to conceive”.

Are you actually high right now?

I think you’re asking the wrong people to be honest OP.

23 wouldn’t be an old mother in some areas and some circles.

However on here, a lot of people who have a strong opinion seem to be quite...middle class (?) and in their social circles having a baby before the age of at least 33 would be tantamount to ruining your life.

It’s your life, do what you like with it. Nobody can tell you if you’re too young or not but both you and your DP need to be on the same page.

Please ignore the pp who said 30 is when you're classed as an older mother, that is complete bollocks. I had my daughter at 36, not one medical professional mentioned my age and I had consultant care( because I insisted, no other reason)
If you want a child go for it, but why have you gone through uni to be earning minimum wage?

The best mother you can be right now is the one preparing for her future children

This is so lovely and so true.

I’d concentrate on bettering your earning potential and achieving something for yourself before you think about getting knocked up. There’s a good reason that a lot of women are waiting until they’re older, and it’s so that they have a career and some money behind them already so they can provide a good life for themselves and their children, regardless of any man that may come or go. You aren’t sat around waiting for your life to start, you should go out and live it, work hard, climb the ladder, travel, do a house up, spend time with your friends, there is so much life out there to be had!

It sounds like your partner has made his stance very clear too, and it sounds quite sensible.

Also OP, there’s a great subreddit called waitingtotry. Highly recommend googling it and having a read/joining up.

Take a look at a documentary online by Cherry Healey. It’s on Youtube called ‘is there a right time to have a baby?’.
She meets a teenage mum, an average aged mum and an older than average mum. They all have their pros and cons and it’s such an interesting documentary because it really does go to show there’s never a ‘right time’.

Another one wondering why you’re on a min wage job and have a degree - I can see why your dp isn’t keen, you’ll not be able to afford to work and have a dc so that’s a long period of at least 3 years where he’ll be the only wage.

You really need to improve your earning prospects - what are you offering him? I don’t think your age is a problem but your lack of financial responsibility/career plan would concern me in a DIL.