Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel ashamed of wanting a baby so young?

229 replies

Shamedchange · 15/09/2019 19:10

I'm 23 and fully aware that lots of women have had their DC at my age and younger (including my own DM). My partner of 6 years thinks having DC is something older people do, and has said he wants at least two but not until I'm over 30 as he doesnt think we'll be financially ready (he makes over 30k, I'm on minimum wage) or done doing stuff just the two of us until then. My parents meanwhile mention grandchildren wistfully in passing then panic that they're encouraging me to have DC young and give me a lecture on doing more with my life than they did first. Add to that the whole "children ruin your life" "women are trapped by children" narrative and I just feel stuck. Most of my friends from my home city have children, but none of my university friends that i live near now do so I'd expect judgement from my immediate circle as well.

I just feel like that's the next step in life I want to take. I've wanted DC for years, I have dreams where I'm pregnant or chasing a toddler or dropping off a teenager at school. I really want that life but it feels so unattainable right now. I know all I have to do is wait, but what am I waiting for? It seems such a waste to count the years down doing nothing purposeful with my life until its finally okay.

Ive lived with my partner for two years already. Ideally I'd like to be married first as well, which we've already spoken about and agree on more or less everything, though when I jokingly brought up proposing myself he shot me down and said he really wanted to do it as soon as he got a better paid job (which he has now, as of a few months ago) so I guess I'm waiting for that too.

I just feel so stuck in limbo and like I cant do anything or suggest anything without it being the wrong path in life to take. Aibu to feel this way?

OP posts:
Boobindoop · 15/09/2019 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklesocks · 15/09/2019 20:16

PoppingOneOutIn2020 blimey your uterus doesn’t just conk out on the strike of midnight on your 30th birthday, not sure where you’re getting your information from

ThatFlamingCandle · 15/09/2019 20:16

Anyone who says having a child young (under 30) is a twat. That's so rude to people who already have kids young like me... basically saying we have no life and we fucked up. Ok, great.

Having said that, an accidental pregnancy is one thing but I don't think you should be TTC in your situation because it doesn't seem stable. You and your partner need to be on the same page, ideally married and committed.

And if you are TTC make sure you look at both the advantages and the disadvantages, else you will regret it down the line. I do t think finances are the issue not age, but more the stability of things(having a baby limits you working and so your income etc)

hsegfiugseskufh · 15/09/2019 20:17

breacon god im glad im not your DIL. How utterly judgemental. Your future dils career is none of your bloody business.

pumkinspicetime · 15/09/2019 20:17

A family member started having dc aged 25 and it has been a great success for them. But they were married, had a post graduate degree, a very good job and owned a flat.
They were organized and ready.

bengalcat · 15/09/2019 20:17

On a minimum wage you certainly need to be married before having children . Any chance of you increasing your earning power ? Is he is the right man for you ?

sweatyscruffy · 15/09/2019 20:19

Just be aware as well that being a mother can be quite lonely. I had my first at 27 so I wasn't in the 'young mums' club of those who had kids pretty much straight after school but none of my uni friends had kids (they still don't and I'm 30.) I found it hard to find people in my area who were like me. Everyone my age seemed a bit 'mean girls' also the older mums shared my ethos but weren't skint all the time, they also seemed to worry about everything.
Also I had a really close group of friends who were so excited about my pregnancy. They came to my baby's christening and bought us presents. All of the friendships have sort of dropped off as life with kids is hard! Meeting at a bar at 9pm is incompatible with getting a babysitter unless you and your dp take it in turns to go out. Also your friends get bored of hanging out in your house whilst Octonaughts is on. Even if there is wine. Factor in that you're always skint and tired. I'd wait a bit.

TheCatsACunt · 15/09/2019 20:21

You’re 23, surely you aspire to more than being a single mother on minimum wage?

breaconoptimist · 15/09/2019 20:22

Ha I have no sons but if my daughter was on a min wage job - in fact of op was my daughter I’d be worried for her financial and relationship stability with those career/financial circumstances. I agree, accidental pregnancy, you make the best of it you can, but otherwise it’s nicer to be more comfortably placed when you have dc, you never know what challenges they will bring.

Aria2015 · 15/09/2019 20:22

My friend had children young. Like you she’d always wanted a family. She doesn't have any regrets but did say it was lonely not having any friends in the same boat. All her friends, including myself, had children much later.

The only thing that was different with her was that her partner was on board. I think that's really important. Children put a strain on a relationship so you both need to want it. Friends who have had children with reluctant partners sadly seem to get it thrown back in their face when things get tough. It's wrong but if someone feels pushed into it then they can harbour resentment. Perhaps you and your partner can reach a compromise?

It's certainly nothing to be ashamed of though.

hsegfiugseskufh · 15/09/2019 20:22

cats are you always so rude?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 15/09/2019 20:23

Hi OP

Theres a lot of discussion on this thread about the best time to have a baby (and 30 isn't too old by the way unless there are issues to overcome which obviously you dont know until you try).

There are pros and cons to every age.

But what strikes me is that you and your partner are at completely different ends of the spectrum at the moment. You sound like you are almost 10 years apart in your life plans and that's quite a difference

The options are, to me,

Really talk about how you feel. See if he will change his mind. But accept that you earn so little that after you have a baby your options will be limited - sorry to he harsh but you earn so little that you wont be able to afford childcare to you are basically committing to being a SAHP before you know you actually like being a parent. And you risk him being resentful of you and the baby.

Break up and find someone with values more similar to yours. Clearly a risk as it may not happen and you may not be a parent until you're over 30 anyway

Compromise with your partner, agree an age that's acceptable to you both eg 29. And fill your life with things that you cant do with children and your future child will be proud of. Spend time with friends. Travel. Throw yourself into study or a career. So that when you have kids and candy find time to have a shower you will have no regrets

BeanBag7 · 15/09/2019 20:24

I had my first at 23. It is too young.
For you maybe 🙄

pumkinspicetime · 15/09/2019 20:24

But I don't think you should feel ashamed. The desire to reproduce is hard wired into us and isn't anything to feel shame about. But that doesn't mean that broodiness is an instinct that you should always give in to.

Sparklesocks · 15/09/2019 20:24

OP there are pros and cons to having babies younger and older, every couple have their own ‘right time’.

But the big issue in your post is that your DP isn’t on the same page, until he is you can’t really move forward regardless of your age.

RedRose55 · 15/09/2019 20:24

Op, kids are expensive! Even with state school and simple living, it’s unbelievable how much everything adds up. If I were you, I’d pick some skills or start a business first. Then save like crazy for a deposit and buy a house. All this is achievable with 2 incomes and determination. Around 28-29 you will be in a much more stable position and hopefully have more disposable income. I’m not saying you can’t be happy without money, but having that financial cushion makes life a lot more comfortable.

RushianDisney · 15/09/2019 20:24

Having had DD at 21, also with only a minimum wage job, I cannot warn you against it enough. I love DD more than anything, but it is going to be a real slog to get to a position where I can provide what I want for her on my own because I have to work, study and do most of the childcare - which is exhausting. It's also very isolating if your peers are not at an age where they are even considering children, their lives will be very very different to yours and it is easy to drift apart. My partner became abusive during pregnancy, which I now know is fairly typical, and this does colour my view of course, but I wouldn't want DD to be in my position, it's too big of a risk - and I think that says everything. There is a lot of judgement of young mothers, which is often unfair, but it is not ideal in many ways, especially if you are not self sufficient financially.

Pennyjane89 · 15/09/2019 20:25

@TheCatsACunt that’s a nasty thing to say

TheCatsACunt · 15/09/2019 20:27

That’s a nasty thing to say

English isn’t my first language so maybe I have the phrase wrong but is that what what she’s saying- she wants to have a child before being married or establishing a career?

hsegfiugseskufh · 15/09/2019 20:30

And what exactly is wrong with that cat

You can continue your career after you have children you know. Its not the 1950s.

Oh and marriage doesnt stop you becoming a single parent, btw.

Legally youre a little more protected, but it wont save your relationship and it doesnt make you a better or more worthy mother.

firesong · 15/09/2019 20:30

If you want to have a baby in your twenties, that's your decision (and your partner's). Maybe he will agree to start a family in a couple of years' time after a proper plan. No, I didn't have my children young personally, but there's nothing inherently wrong with it. You are both adults. And some older people earn minimum wage too - if you aren't into a "career", you don't have to force yourself to be.

prettygreenteacup · 15/09/2019 20:31

OP I had my first at 25 and second at 28. I'm now done having babies and I've just turned 30. I'm looking forward to my 30's out of the baby and pre-school years, and I have no regrets at having my kids in my 20s. I was 24 when I fell pregnant with my first. There's nothing wrong with wanting babies!

I have, however, been married for 8 years (together for 11 years), am a homeowner and had gone to uni and was in a stable, decently paid job when I had my first. As was my husband. Childcare costs can be so high. You really do have to plan and do a lot of forward thinking - for instance, we waited until our eldest would get her funded hours in childcare before we had our second as we didn't want to be crippled by the costs with two in full time paid care etc.

Ultimately if your partner isn't ready or doesn't want children right now, there's not much you can do. Just stay realistic about it all.

Jinxed2 · 15/09/2019 20:33

So according to the majority of people on mumsnet, if you’re on minimum wage you shouldn’t have kids! Wow!

imip · 15/09/2019 20:33

Do you own a house? If you’re renting, I’d really wait until you’ve saved a deposit and then buy a house. It may not be so easy after having dc.

Personally, I’d also wait til my mid 20s if it was me (my story is different, but we all do things differently!).

Pennyjane89 · 15/09/2019 20:35

surely you aspire to more than being a single mother on minimum wage?
Perhaps she does, perhaps not. but is it such a crime to be on minimum wage and want to have a baby? Plenty of people manage on minimum wage. It might be tough but it’s not the end of the world and just because she’s on minimum wage now, doesn’t mean she will be forever.

Swipe left for the next trending thread