To feel ashamed of wanting a baby so young?

[Shamedchange]

I'm 23 and fully aware that lots of women have had their DC at my age and younger (including my own DM). My partner of 6 years thinks having DC is something older people do, and has said he wants at least two but not until I'm over 30 as he doesnt think we'll be financially ready (he makes over 30k, I'm on minimum wage) or done doing stuff just the two of us until then. My parents meanwhile mention grandchildren wistfully in passing then panic that they're encouraging me to have DC young and give me a lecture on doing more with my life than they did first. Add to that the whole "children ruin your life" "women are trapped by children" narrative and I just feel stuck. Most of my friends from my home city have children, but none of my university friends that i live near now do so I'd expect judgement from my immediate circle as well.

I just feel like that's the next step in life I want to take. I've wanted DC for years, I have dreams where I'm pregnant or chasing a toddler or dropping off a teenager at school. I really want that life but it feels so unattainable right now. I know all I have to do is wait, but what am I waiting for? It seems such a waste to count the years down doing nothing purposeful with my life until its finally okay.

Ive lived with my partner for two years already. Ideally I'd like to be married first as well, which we've already spoken about and agree on more or less everything, though when I jokingly brought up proposing myself he shot me down and said he really wanted to do it as soon as he got a better paid job (which he has now, as of a few months ago) so I guess I'm waiting for that too.

I just feel so stuck in limbo and like I cant do anything or suggest anything without it being the wrong path in life to take. Aibu to feel this way?

*PoppingOneOutIn2020

30 is when you're classed as an older mother, need more care and monitoring as it because more and more unsafe and unlikely you'll convince*

Errr no it isn't. I was 30 when I had my little boy (hes now 17 months) and the only reason I had increased monitoring was due to an existing genetic disorder. Older mothers are 35 and up. My SIL is a midwife and she told me this.

am determined to live a little

Ah yes because we all know that youre chained up in the kitchen or to the washing machine as soon as you give birth.

Life doesnt stop when you have children unless you want it to.

3/10

Not awful, but try harder next time. Back under your bridge.

I understand people think the OP isn’t in the right situation at the moment for a variety of reasons. However the utter disdain for minimum wage jobs is what I was referring to. I had two children by the age of 21. I have a degree. I now have a third child. I have the potential to be a higher earner, however I suffer from anxiety and would not cope well in a stressful job.

I actually get the living wage so a bit more than NMW. My hours of work fit in so that I am always home when my children get home from school. They also mean I can devote time to ensuring my
children do their homework etc and to a high standard. The big ones are showing great potential and I am sure they will have wonderful careers. On the flip side, my friend has a professional job, works long hours, her kids don’t do their homework and she doesn’t seem to spend much time with them? There are pros and cons to all situations. Money is not everything.

I had DS at 22.

Pros and cons to it. Relationships in your early 20s don't always work out as you grow and change a lot. My relationship didn't work out but luckily my ex is a good person and good father so we parent together well.

I'm in a low paying job. Not everyone wants a "career". I don't. I live in an affordable area, I don't want a big house and car. I'm happy with my 2 bedroom property. I have enough to live on and enough money for a few treats and holidays. That's enough for me.

DS will be an adult when I'm 40. Plenty of time then for me to do all the "living" that everyone tells you to do in your 20s.

I had my child at 18, I wasn't married, I earned minimum wage, we didn't have our own house, we had little savings, people said we weren't ready, it would ruin our life's but we wouldn't have changed it, she's the best thing to ever happen to us. We've been trying for a second child for 9 years, despite now being seen as being ready. You sometimes can't plan what's going to happen, I'm thankful that our little accident happened when it did, if we had waited until we were ready it might not have ever happened for us.

I googled, I am wrong. Its 35 to be medically classed as a geriatric mother.

But your fertility does started to drop off in your late twenties.

I wasnt saying you cant get pregnant after 30, I'm saying your fertility can and does decrease.

If OP finds she struggles or cannot get pregnant when shes the ripe old age of 30 (har har) shell be mortified and think back to now, when she was 23 and had more of a chance.

I was however told by two different mothers who had their first at 30 and 3w that they were classed as older mothers, albeit I didnt do my research I was only 5 years off the mark on misinformation.

No need to jump on my back, I'm guessing it's the 30+ mothers that have taken such an offence?

@Jinxed2 I agree. I kept waiting for my great degree related job to happen. It didn't! I went for loads of graduate schemes, volunteering, living abroad, nope nothing. Got pregnant when I was an assistant manager in a shop. Best thing I've ever done.
Having children gave me that determination to get the best job so I could pay for their afterschool clubs and holidays. I am now on track to get my first promotion to an actual proper job with people under me and my own office. I just didn't have the drive before.
In comparison my friend who was in her 40's when she had her first child packed in her proper job when she had him to be a stay at home mum and is now a school lunch supervisor. Yeah they managed to buy their house before they had dc but it's still a struggle to pay their mortgage in their current situation.
Life is strange and age doesn't necessarily equal security.

Oh and as above, people thought our relationship wouldn’t last but we’ve been together nearly 14 years now

@Jinxed2 " On the flip side, my friend has a professional job, works long hours, her kids don’t do their homework and she doesn’t seem to spend much time with them? There are pros and cons to all situations. Money is not everything."

So the options are NMW or low wage and supposedly around for your kids or high wage and never around? That's a very ignorant viewpoint. I have a career that pays well, the the main perks to excelling in a career is the flexibility you can earn, I work from home frequently, I work as flexibility as I want (no core hours), I've never missed a school event, my children have never missed home work. I'm with them more now than when I was on a low wage with little flexibility.

And for what it's worth, I had my eldest at 22. You can still have a career and be a young parent, but there's an easier way.

Women have been having babies in ‘less than ideal’ situations for centuries. People cope and life is easier nowadays for younger unmarried mothers on a lower wage. It’s not the be-all-and-end-all

My mum had her first at 28 in the 60s and was called an ‘elderly primip’!

Think about it carefully, then do what you think is right for you and your partner but please do not believe people here who say things such as that women over thirty have less healthy babies. Certainly I and nearly every one of my friends conceived over thirty, all with healthy babies. There is no rush but if it's right for you then no problem either.

It's up to you when you have kids but you would be better off being married first or perhaps in a slightly better financial position before doing so.

PoppingOneOutIn2020 perhaps don’t speak so confidently on subjects you haven’t done your homework on, there’s enough pressure on women as it is to have babies without fertility scaremongering.

I had DD1 at 23 and DD2 at 25, BUT this was due to medical advice saying if I wanted DC to have them as young as feasibly possible, due to chronic & deteriorating conditions. I wished we could've waited as many friends have done additional academic qualifications or travelled extensively while we've been in the grind of 2 under 2. Honestly- increase your earning potential and get at least £6-8k in savings before going down that route

My mum had her first at 28 in the 60s and was called an ‘elderly primip’!

I was teased at school (lightheartedly) by some of the other girls for having an ‘old’ mum...she had me at 22 !
How times have changed!

A lot of fairly judgey comments on this thread.

I want to outline that it's important that your partner genuinely wants kids with you in the near future if you do do this. You both need to be enthusiastic and willing, but...

OP being on a minimum wage doesn't matter if her husband is supportive and earning enough money to cover them both. They could be living in a less expensive area where 30k is fine. Childcare is expensive so she'll likely be cutting her hours down anyway. A lot of minimum wage jobs offer flexibility that regular, better paid employment, doesn't. It also gives OP time to figure out a career path if the job she is currently in isn't a long-term goal for her.

Being 23 is a perfectly acceptable time to have children. OP, you can have a family 'early', and once they're off to school, work on your career then. You won't need to take breaks out for children in your 30s and you can race up the employment ladder if you work hard. You'll also have the added motivation of wanting to give your kids the best start in life when money begins to matter. You'll also have more years when you're older to travel child-free, and probably be better off money wise than you would be now. Just something to consider.

We don't have to follow the stereotypical path society lays down for us. Follow the path you want to. At the end of the day, you'll be the one carrying children and giving birth, if you'd rather do it when you're younger than older, that's absolutely your call to make.

Your partner seems a bit wishy-washy on what he wants, though. You obviously do want to progress the relationship, but he seems to keep putting barriers up. Doesn't want to get engaged until in a higher paying role (yet is in one and still nothing). Doesn't want kids until you're in your 30s (so years away). Doesn't want kids before marriage (but won't propose currently). You need to establish what is a genuine barrier and what is BS to hold you off. A lot of men put barriers in front of committal acts because they don't want to commit, but also don't want to lose someone they're having sex and fun times with. I'm not saying that's your partner, but you need to ensure he's serious about your future.

OP, it's the 21st century. Women are allowed to want things, and if it turns out your partner simply doesn't want what you do, there's no shame in leaving. Similarly, maybe a serious conversation is all that's needed to give things a kick-start.

Good luck. I hope everything is figured out, and hopefully, you can start trying for a baby soon if the circumstances are right.

23 isn't biologically young. Biology is important. Older eggs and sperm to be blunt.

Older mothers are resulting in shifts in society - children are less likely to know their great-grandparents, or even grandparents for that matter, IVF and implications of that.

I suppose we'll see what the effects are within the next couple of generations and can compare it to their societies.

I was an older mother at 35, fortunately no IVF and knew great-grandparents.

I think it's all heading in the wrong direction. That's my opinion.

@sparklesocks strange username for someone who doesnt seem to have much sparkle.

Fertility scaremongering? Get a grip.

If theres a chance you look back and say you wish you had done it then, do it now.

I think there is no right age, it all depends on the person and what they want. I have friends who have had children in their teens/early 20’s and others (like me) in their 30’s. There is pro’s and cons to both.

You and your partner do need to be on the same page though otherwise it will be more pain in the long run. My husband wanted children in his 20’s when we first me however, I was clear from the outset I wanted to wait. He respected that and because we had that conversation early in our relationship he was able to decide did he want to be with me and wait or did he want something else. Being on the same page with one another is key as is respecting each other’s point of view and wants. In the end I did have a child earlier than my original plan (originally planned late 30’s but had a child in early 30’s) and it was a time that felt right for both of us.

@PoppingOneOutIn2020

I was 29 when I conceived my little one and fell pregnant within 3 months of trying.

I didn't mean to sound like I was jumping on you but fertility scaremongering is not helpful, yes fertility does start to drop but it's not like it suddenly falls down a cliff, it is a gradual decline.