To feel ashamed of wanting a baby so young?

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I'm 23 and fully aware that lots of women have had their DC at my age and younger (including my own DM). My partner of 6 years thinks having DC is something older people do, and has said he wants at least two but not until I'm over 30 as he doesnt think we'll be financially ready (he makes over 30k, I'm on minimum wage) or done doing stuff just the two of us until then. My parents meanwhile mention grandchildren wistfully in passing then panic that they're encouraging me to have DC young and give me a lecture on doing more with my life than they did first. Add to that the whole "children ruin your life" "women are trapped by children" narrative and I just feel stuck. Most of my friends from my home city have children, but none of my university friends that i live near now do so I'd expect judgement from my immediate circle as well.

I just feel like that's the next step in life I want to take. I've wanted DC for years, I have dreams where I'm pregnant or chasing a toddler or dropping off a teenager at school. I really want that life but it feels so unattainable right now. I know all I have to do is wait, but what am I waiting for? It seems such a waste to count the years down doing nothing purposeful with my life until its finally okay.

Ive lived with my partner for two years already. Ideally I'd like to be married first as well, which we've already spoken about and agree on more or less everything, though when I jokingly brought up proposing myself he shot me down and said he really wanted to do it as soon as he got a better paid job (which he has now, as of a few months ago) so I guess I'm waiting for that too.

I just feel so stuck in limbo and like I cant do anything or suggest anything without it being the wrong path in life to take. Aibu to feel this way?

It's totally normal to feel the rush to become a mum. For many, it is also the way out of ft work when they don't feel fulfilled in their role.

It's very easy at 23 to to only look at those happy mums in a happy relationship feel blissful with perfect gorgeous children. It is easy to ignore those single mums, dumped by their partners because they didn't want the children, ignore the stress of managing a tight budget, the fight with the ex to get maintenance, and the fights with DWP when they pester you to look for a ft job when your kids are old enough.

Even if you stay together, £30k is a tight budget. It's ok when it is only one child and they are little, but £30k when they are teenagers means having to say no to many things.

It's easy to assume that promotions will come, that you'll go back to work ft when the kids are in school but they are 8ndeed many families who wish they'd focus on their income and housing before starting their family.

*Of course you feel more equipped with your second child! who doesn't!

I don't think you felt more equipped because of your age! surely its because you've done it all before?

I am not sure any first time mother feels 100% confident no matter what their age!*

That's part of it of course but also I've grown up an awful lot in the last 13 years. Learnt a lot and generally feel more equipped to be a parent. I mean a lot of the baby stuff I'm having to relearn as it's been so long 😳 but I feel more able to give a stable home, strong compass and all those kinds of things

Most of my friends from my home city have children, but none of my university friends that i live near now do so I'd expect judgement from my immediate circle as well.

There does seem to be a slight age difference in when some working-class communities, ones DH and I grew up in, and more middle class people, people we met at University, have first children - I don't think you can let it influence you as you have to do what's best for you.

I would be cautious if you do stay with this guy longer term and get nearer 30 that it may end up being 35 then 40 but at 23 it's not unreasonable to build up savings - house deposit pre children is easier to save - and try for career progression - as higher up you are often it's easier to get more flexibility with work - not always – easier to move around for work pre children as well.

We were married 26/28 and first child 28/30 – we had bulk of house deposit saved finished post graduate education had few years of work under of belts – wasn’t perfect time as there isn’t one but felt right but we were both on the same page.

@doublebarrellednurse it's funny you say that. I've always felt I was a better mum having children younger due to my own personality and how it's developed (so not saying this is the case for everyone). When I had my children I was pretty young and naive, low income, living with parents initially in fact, but I went with the flow, didn't really realise the full ramifications of my somewhat spontaneous decisions. I wasn't highly strung, cared about the important things but didn't overthink and didn't helicopter parent. Now I'm in my 30s I'm so glad I had children back then when I didn't know as much as a I do now and overthink to the extent I do so now (or feel like I'm supposed to by society), especially for those baby years. I was much more instinctive. I think if I had a baby now I'd be more stressed, overthink, read too much, care what others think, coddle them. Perhaps I'd have been the same if I'd have had kids later, maybe having kids made me eventually think things through more, but my friends having babies now do seem to overthink things much more than I did and not in my opinion in a healthy way, they've had more time to process it all I guess, I had no one to compare myself to. So while I vehemently believe the OP should wait until she's in a more stable position, I don't agree with the sentiment that older mums are better mums, nor are they worse of course, different, but as with anything there are pros and cons and I think there are plenty of pros for young mothers too. I was/am a good mum and don't think I'd parent a baby better now, I just wear nicer more expensive maternity clothes ha.

That was a derail!

Biologically it makes sense... Younger eggs, more energy, body ready for babies etc.
But does it make sense financially...?

And I'm saying that as someone with kids in their 20s

That's part of it of course but also I've grown up an awful lot in the last 13 years. Learnt a lot and generally feel more equipped to be a parent
But part of that will be the experience of having your first child. You have no way of knowing who you would be without thst experience, or how you would feel about being a first time Mum later on in life.

Because babies are a commitment to the child, not the mother. Similar to a mortgage. It’s a commitment to the house both parties enter into. Only marriage is a commitment directly to one another. People often get this mixed up I think.
@CrystalShark this is so true. Thanks, i’d never thought about it like this before.

Absolutely. Having a child with someone is no commitment to the other parent. It's a commitment to the child. A common trope on MN though!

I was 26 when DS was born and amongst my friends I’m one of the youngest to have a child (although lots of women I went to school with have three or four already) but some of my wider circle are starting to have children now aged 27/28. It varies so much by location, profession etc. though. I’m a community midwife and when I worked in one place, my average first time mum was 34-38, and at my surgery now it’s more like 25-29.

I don’t really think anyone is ever in the perfect place to have a child, and you can wait decades for everything to be ‘just right’ if you really want to. Plenty of people do have babies on NMW and cope fine but mumsnet is massively skewed towards middle class women IME. I think @WellButterMyArse made some really good points about maximising your own potential but would also add that education and career progression aren’t entirely linear. I did my degree with plenty of women who already had families and had been on a lower income but then went on to do access courses etc.

In my experience, being older doesn’t make you any better at being a mother either (nor does it make you worse). I still have to show women in their 30s and 40s how to dress babies and change nappies, amongst other things. I see just as many ‘social issues’ in older mothers. Some of my most switched on and informed clients are in their teens.

I had my last at 32 and I did feel fucking old but I had my others a lot younger. I was really feeling it.
These threads are always full of lecturing over finances and prospects (not to mention pretending to think that £30k is peanuts). Maybe you've already reached your full earning potential. Maybe you're content. Unless you're on the bare bones of your arse then you'll be ok. No one who plans children ever thinks they've got enough money. Meanwhile life happens.
There's no right or wrong, the only thing you need is for your OH to be on the same page. Nothing else really matters.

OP I always had a feeling that I wanted to have kids young. I ended up having my first quite a bit younger than planned, I was 17 when I fell pregnant. I would urge you to take your time and wait. I love my children more than life itself but I am very envious of people that have had a life when they could just be young and free. Go out whenever they like, travel, lie in bed all day. I haven't been able to do that since I was 17 and I'm now 29.
I didn't feel like this at all until maybe about a year ago.

Education and career progress are definitely not always linear and I myself progressed after having DC. However, you put yourself in a stronger position to do this if you have some building blocks in place beforehand. I take my hat off to those doing degrees, tough training courses, postgrad etc with little ones, but its easier without! It's not necessarily about waiting until you're in your 30s but just getting some basics established.

Re the minimum wage comments: can only rich people have children now? I’m slightly uncomfortable with this. Being skint is rubbish but the OP sounds like she knows what she wants and there’s no reason she can’t increase her earning potential with kids, like me (only she would be a lot less tired in her twenties than ai was having kids in my 30s).

@HotSauceCommittee yes, a family income of 60k is apparent the least anyone should have before they procreate. Let's keep those low earners in their place and not them them multiply!! Presumably any families finding their income has dropped below the threshold have them them temporarily adopted intothry try harder!!

I googled, I am wrong. Its 35 to be medically classed as a geriatric mother.

Even if that is now the technical definition it doesn't follow that you get different treatment. I had mine at 36 and 38 and most of my friends were similar. The only people who had consultant-led care or any other particular intervention were because of issues around BMI or difficult first birth. Nothing about age.

When I had my dating scan with my second I said something about age and the doctor I was with said "Pff, that's nothing". That was the only mention of my age at any point.

I advise women to be able to support themselves and their children independently, because I have lived in a home where my mother couldn’t afford to leave. My father didn’t start beating her until after the children were born.

You never know what is going to happen. People get sick, they die, or they turn into abusive alcoholics who terrorize you and your children. Sure, you can have kids and hope for the best, but I am still going to advise every woman I meet to have a backup plan.

If my DH was replaced by a pod person tomorrow, I would have to economize, but dd and I would be ok. It’s important to me that As long as I have my health, I will never be faced with choosing having a home or being safe. I want that for every woman. Having a social safety net helps, but we all know it is inadequate.

@HotSauceCommittee because she's got time on her hands. She can't have a baby right now because her partner doesn't want one, so she may as well be doing something productive now rather than waiting until she's in her 30s with children when it'll be more difficult. It's just good common sense.

@PoppingOneOutIn2020 it’s more that I feel a bit embarrassed for you being so wildly uniformed when you are going through the same process yourself. Anything can happen in fertility is what I assume your point is? I had my first at 29 got pregnant first time and second at 31 once again pregnant first time trying. You and google are still wrong 35 is not a geriatric pregnancy I have lots of close friends who are 35+ and they are not being treated as geriatric in their pregnancies , my friend in her 40s is though. The tone of your post came off very judgemental but maybe that’s just down to the immaturity of your age.

Whoops looks like us old people can be immature and make snide comments too! 🤭🤣

OPs partner doesn’t want children yet, so that’s that really - OPs age and income is pretty irrelevant. Should you feel ashamed for wanting children now? Of course not. But you need to accept that you can’t right now with your current partner. If you value your relationship then accept it and use the time to achieve more for yourself. Also, are you sure you don’t just want children because your job doesn’t give you much satisfaction. Most ‘younger’ mums (but not all) didn’t have much of a career and I wonder if having kids gave them a bit more ‘purpose’. I’ve found that women who who are passionate about and enjoy their jobs are happier to wait a bit longer until they have kids.

@PuffHuffle5 "Most ‘younger’ mums (but not all) didn’t have much of a career and I wonder if having kids gave them a bit more ‘purpose’. I’ve found that women who who are passionate about and enjoy their jobs are happier to wait a bit longer until they have kids."

I think post uni is a tricky time as well. So many go to uni not exactly sure what they want to do, you achieve the degree then can feel at a bit of a loss, or a bit fed up and as you say after a purpose, throw hormones and biology in the mix and a baby can feel a natural next step for many. I remember the feeling well even though I did have a career plan, I remember being a bit fed up with it and a family seemed an easy quick fix.

@pimbee same! I went to see the Juno film when I was 23 and I was convinced I wanted a baby. That makes 23 year olds sound really immature, most aren't, but I was very swayed at that age by what seemed the most controversial/ rebellious. When everyone I knew was out getting pissed and trying to get a graduate job, I just thought 'fuck this, I'm going to have a baby!'

Sorry, OP here. I originally posted on a new account because I couldnt name change on mobile without knowing my password (saved details on pc/chrome but not phone), then more or less had the same issue when it came to respond.

The main thing people brought up was finances so ill answer that first. We're in the north west if that matters. I saw people say you need a combined income of £60k to £80k before even considering a baby, but to be honest that seems very out of reach for us. My parents have worked their way up their whole lives and they're on less than £50k. I am trying desperately to get away from minimum wage jobs and have been applying and interviewing for better prospects, but so far I haven't gotten to interview stage with any graduate schemes and haven't gotten further than interview with other low paid jobs that have better mobility. I feel a bit stuck in that regard too. My partner has been very lucky to get a job he isn't technically qualified for due to a personal connection, and he will likely have to retrain if he wants to move higher within the company.

My life in general feels quite stagnant at the moment, which is probably why I'm struggling to distract myself from wanting to have a family at the moment in particular.

We don't have our own home yet, but we do have the beginnings of a deposit saved in a help to buy isa.

I know having children isn't all the fun and cute moments you see other people having, I'm not quite that delusional yet. But I still really want to have DC in my life sooner rather than later.

Having just consulted google for confirmation of what I believed, from a biological point of view, 24 is the upper limit of the optimal age-rage for having a baby, after that it is downhill.

However that probably isn't the dominant consideration for most people.

My daughter had her baby last year at 22, she finished her degree this year and has started her first job as an NHS nurse, it's not been easy for her but we wouldn't change a thing and it definitely isn't the end of the world like some people would have you believe.
My daughter has plenty of support from family, I think you need that whatever age you become a parent.