To feel ashamed of wanting a baby so young?

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I'm 23 and fully aware that lots of women have had their DC at my age and younger (including my own DM). My partner of 6 years thinks having DC is something older people do, and has said he wants at least two but not until I'm over 30 as he doesnt think we'll be financially ready (he makes over 30k, I'm on minimum wage) or done doing stuff just the two of us until then. My parents meanwhile mention grandchildren wistfully in passing then panic that they're encouraging me to have DC young and give me a lecture on doing more with my life than they did first. Add to that the whole "children ruin your life" "women are trapped by children" narrative and I just feel stuck. Most of my friends from my home city have children, but none of my university friends that i live near now do so I'd expect judgement from my immediate circle as well.

I just feel like that's the next step in life I want to take. I've wanted DC for years, I have dreams where I'm pregnant or chasing a toddler or dropping off a teenager at school. I really want that life but it feels so unattainable right now. I know all I have to do is wait, but what am I waiting for? It seems such a waste to count the years down doing nothing purposeful with my life until its finally okay.

Ive lived with my partner for two years already. Ideally I'd like to be married first as well, which we've already spoken about and agree on more or less everything, though when I jokingly brought up proposing myself he shot me down and said he really wanted to do it as soon as he got a better paid job (which he has now, as of a few months ago) so I guess I'm waiting for that too.

I just feel so stuck in limbo and like I cant do anything or suggest anything without it being the wrong path in life to take. Aibu to feel this way?

I had my first at 24, it didn't actually feel young at the time but looking back I guess it was.. but age doesn't matter. 30k is a decent wage for your partner to have depending on where you live. why don't you save up to buy a house and then have a child.
I lived at home for a year with my baby and managed to save 25k and buy a lovely little house. I had my second at 27. we're happy, financially comfortable on a joint income of around 45k which I'm guessing is similar to what your joint income is?
I didn't find having a baby 'young' hard. I'm glad I did it when I did. I've never being into going out drinking ect and found life pretty boring before kids where as I love my life now.

You seem to know what you want, yet you are doing a lot of waiting for your partner to take the initiative. I am sure that with how long you have wanted kids you have also considered the downsides.

But I think you should prioritise making your relationship more equal. It can't just all be up to him. Find out if he even wants kids. If he doesn't then you need to find someone who does.

This is contrary to what I say most of the time. I also find children to a betrap I want to avoid. However, in your case it's different since you already know you want them for sure and will probably prioritise your life in such a way that you can accomodate their needs.

I'd say that if you are that sure, there is no reason to wait or to even consider judgement from others. It's your life after all.

@holidayhelpppp, do you really think that someone who has a degree and a minimum wage job at 23 should focus on having a baby rather than establishing their career, earning potential, pension capability, and protecting themselves and their child through marriage?

I think she should do what she wants to do. Not everyone wants a "career".

I also know from experience that your career doesnt have to to shit because you have children.

Marriage only offers protection where property is involved. Spousal maintenace is rarely awarded nowadays.

@Jinxed2 "So according to the majority of people on mumsnet, if you’re on minimum wage you shouldn’t have kids! Wow!" No, that's not what is being said. She's only 23, her partner doesn't want a baby yet, it seems obvious and practical to suggest she work on her career for now when she's only on NMW and not in a position for various other reasons to have kids. Yes of course there will always be people on NMW, but surely no one aspires to be? And it's usually due to necessity rather than choice? The OP can make the choice.

I honestly don’t think having your first child in your mid-20s is a ‘bad’ age at all. I’m glad I had my children in my 20’s, it certainly comes with a lot of benefits and the thought of having babies/toddlers in my 30s/40s doesn’t appeal to me at all BUT everybody is different, and I totally respect that a lot of people would hate this situation (as well as those who don’t have the choice but to wait until later on)

So I don’t think you’re unusual for wanting a child in your 20’s, I think some women are definitely happier and more fulfilled with a little family this young (which I know can be hard to grasp for others) However, your partner not being ready yet is a huge factor. It’s a decision you both have to make and it’s very important to consider. I would also recommend saving up and getting on the property ladder beforehand. It will become a lot harder to try and buy a house once you have a family.

PoppingOneOutIn2020

30 is when you're classed as an older mother, need more care and monitoring as it because more and more unsafe and unlikely you'll convince.

Bull shit.

Never been pregnant in my life then hit 30 and I have been pregnant 3 times.

30 is not an older mother 40 would be considered that.

Not everyone wants a "career"
A lot of people on MN seem to think that we should all choose a well-paid career at 16, go to uni, get a high flying job and stick rigidly on that career path until going on maternity leave at 37 🙄 otherwise ya know, we’d be ruining our lives

To op:

Your partner doesnt want children if you do break up with him and find someone who does. Unfair to force him because you do

Marriage only offers protection where property is involved

And often pensions.

I would just be so sad for my daughter if she worked hard, got a degree, and then focused so much of her happiness and energy on thoughts of having children so young with a man who doesn’t want them.

@PoppingOneOutIn2020 I had a baby at 34 and was not classed as at risk and had a normal pregnancy /deliver! I was not classed as an older mother! And conceived first time (that’s anecdotal I know ) . Medically it used to be 35 you were classed as an older mother now it’s even older! 30 is not old!

Having said all that there are pros and cons to any age and while I was on no way ready at 23 it’s not to say you aren’t. The trouble is it sounds like your partner isn’t.. could you agree to leave it for a year and see how you both feel after that x

I do not think that yabu wanting a baby at 23 but I do think would be to proceed to having one now given the rest of your situation. Too many people have children based on their wants and needs without thinking of that future child's best interests.

The most important thing in my opinion is for you and your partner to be on the same page and as secure as you can be. There is never a right time financially etc but there are better times. It would be a good idea, particularly if you dont have the legal protection of marriage and a jointly owned home (not sure of your status with the latter) to spend some time working on upping your income just incase you and your partner did split and you were left needing to support yourself. It would be good for you too, to be honest, to have a bit of time to build things post uni. It can be done on what you have now but would be infinitely harder so why actively choose that if you dont have to? You also mention wanting to be married so if that's something you definitely want, why not do that too first but be sensible about how much you spend on that if you want DC sooner.

In terms of age, the other poster is wrong about 30 being an old mum. I felt that because I went to school with a lot of people who didnt go on to further or higher education and who had children young but actually 30 is very common now and you're only geriatric at 35 and over. That said, I had to have IVF for unexplained infertility at 33 (found something with husband but he is older) and know a few people similar so it is sensible I think to book an appointment and have yourself checked in your late 20s even if you arent going to ttc right then. Give yourself the best chance.

Though I had IVF I personally do not regret waiting. We own our home with a large amount of equity, I have my dream job with great earnings and even better earning potential, I have strong savings and assets, had the wedding I wanted and invested in more postgrad education, and my husband and I have spent a lot of time doing things together and being a tight partnership whilst doing them. I have friends who had children earlier who dont regret having them but do not have any of that security and wouldve in hindsight waited as it's harder for them to achieve it now with kids to prioritise.

That said, it's totally a matter for you and your partner. I dont think age is the factor as I've said. It's a matter of balancing what you both want and trying to make sure you are both on the same page and are happy with the decision

*30 is when you're classed as an older mother, need more care and monitoring as it because more and more unsafe and unlikely you'll convince.

Uh no it isn’t! 😂😂 I would love you to link your medical evidence for this. I think a geriatric pregnancy is 39/40 and even then I’m not sure the level of monitoring that happens. Do you think the NHS has the time or money to give extra monitoring to every mother over 30? The average age for a first time mother in Uk is 30. This is so worrying that you believe this. This is just wrong on so many levels.

cats personally i just want my children to be happy. I dont place importance on how good their careers may be or whether they marry.

I would suggest she finds a man who does want them, though.

We all want things (but it’s usually best to wait until we can afford them and are in the best position possible before acquiring them
Get a career rather than minimum wage job. Increase your lifetime earning potential. Get married then have children.

Medically a woman over 40 is regarded as being an older mother with a potential higher risk profile .30 is a ‘ spring chicken ‘ .

Not everyone wants a high flying career.

Some people want their children young. It’s better physically to be having children when nature intended.

There’s less chance of complications with the pregnancy and less chance of the baby having health problems or disabilities.

You’re more likely to be around for your kids when they are adults.

You’re more likely to be able to play an active part in the lives of your grandchildren.

You tend to be less stuck in your ways and more adaptable.

You cope better on less sleep.

As far as I can see then only down side is likely to not be as well off as older parents. But that really isn’t the end of the world. Only on mumsnet are you poor on what is most likely a joint income for almost £50k!

@Ithinkmycatisevil it's not just about having a career, people say career because hopefully it'll be something someone will enjoy, important when we spend so much time there. But earning potential is important, their joint income maybe nearly £50k, but what if they do break up, she's not contributing half of that. She's leaving herself vulnerable. What about saving prior to having a child? And more than anything it's just practical advise to fill her time as she CAN'T have a baby right now, it's not her age, her partner doesn't want one!

I don’t think it’s particularly young. I’m 38 with dd almost 16 and dsd 18. For all I might have missed out in my 20’s/ early 30’s, it’s no different to peers with babies or young dc now.

My career might not have been as high flying then as a childless peer, but the same applies to them now.

I might not have been out socialising as much in my 20’s, but that applies to them now.

And if I’m honest, most people have more energy in their 20’s than their 40’s, and certainly everyone I know with significant age gaps has said they found it physically easier first time around.

However, money/ career was never really a concern, I was lucky enough to know that even if I’d ended up on carers allowance or a minimum wage job, I’d still have a privileged lifestyle. If I hadn’t already been personally secure then life would have ended up very different when dd’s father and I split.

Not that you need a certain income to be a good parent, but if you’re low income with the opportunity to increase it, that’s going to be a lot easier now than with dc or waiting till they’re old enough to pursue a career again.

I had my ds1 at 19 unplanned and ds2 at 24 planned. I started university a few weeks after ds1 was born, so I had a degree by the time he was 3, and was in a professional job when I had

Now I’m 38 and they are 19 & 14, I love it. I’m travelling now with friends without them, whilst they go on their own holidays with friends and school, as well as our own travels. I go with friends for meals etc, to the gym daily and my ds come with me. We have fun.

I’m lucky, ill health hit me at 30, if I’d waited to have children, the chances of me being able to carry a pregnancy would have been really low, plus medication I need to take, I can’t conceive on. So for me it was fate I had them so young.

Everyone’s different though, you have to do what’s best for the BOTH of you.

I was a mum at 16, so I don’t think you’re young at all. But I’d spend time to question why you want children, and whether waiting a few more years will enable you to give them a better life. There’s benefits to having children younger and older, but it’s a HUGE commitment and you really need to consider whether this is right for you at this time

I’m 28 and still not ready to have kids. Although I think about what our life will be like when we do have kids a lot. I absolutely love my job and am determined to live a little before we settle done. Life is for living op. Get some memories and money behind you first. Plenty time for kids.

I had my first at 23, but then I had been with my exh for 7 years, we were married 3 years and and bought a house. We had our own business plus I had a fairly average wage, he was turning over 6 figures.
I would not have ttc in your situation though, you need to be in better paid stable jobs, ideally owning your home etc before you think about kids. Maybe married if that's your bag.
If you cant afford to save for a deposit or a wedding you can't afford children!
And in the mean time go do the things you won't be able to do with kids in tow.

I'm not sure if you're still around op. However I was 19 when I had my first, 20 and then 22 with my next children. I married my partner inbetween baby 2 & 3. My husband is 6 years older so I guess that helps. I was almost exactly like you but without a degree. I just always wanted children. We talked about it all the time. I dont regret having my girls when I did but I do wish we had brought a house first as looking back it would have only taken a year to save a deposit and now it will take a couple of years because we need a bigger house. I found having my girls really gave me a drive to have a career which honestly I couldn't have cared less about before. I do look back now and realise i was incredibly young when i had my first (I'm now 28) but i do think if I had waited for me it would have been counting down time until we could have had children. We travel, but with our girls which for me is incredibly fulfilling much more than if we had done it before having children as our memories are so lovely to look back on. My parenting decisions wouldn't have been any different either. I would say though your partner needs to be 100% committed as well as it is really tiring and you need to be able to pick up slack for each other when one of you is finding it tough.

1. get a dog, either a puppy or rescue that needs toilet training and won't sleep. Test yourself and your relationship.

2. your on minimum wage, not everyone wants a high paying career granted but affording to live comfortably and not having to worry about money is sensible. Concentrate on going up in your job or retraining into something you enjoy and pays you a decent wage. People on here will say they raised a child on 17p and they were happy but truly given the choice most people would like to not have to worry about money.

That's leads the 3) what is your maternity policy? At Min wage job I presume only 6 weeks pay? Which is awful. Save up 10k, enough to make it comfortable for being off for a year. If you save up 10k and still want the baby, then great go for it. If you don't then you've got 10k to enjoy.
The saving of money aspect will also prepare you for child care costs and the costs of a child.

Lastly 4) your partner dosnt sound convinced. Forcing a man to have baby he is unsure of never works. And it will be so much nicer both trying and wanting a baby. Don't do a "accidentally on purpose pregnancy" unless your prepared to do it alone.

I could have wrote your post a few years ago, I know exactly how you feel x