To feel ashamed of wanting a baby so young?

[Shamedchange]

I'm 23 and fully aware that lots of women have had their DC at my age and younger (including my own DM). My partner of 6 years thinks having DC is something older people do, and has said he wants at least two but not until I'm over 30 as he doesnt think we'll be financially ready (he makes over 30k, I'm on minimum wage) or done doing stuff just the two of us until then. My parents meanwhile mention grandchildren wistfully in passing then panic that they're encouraging me to have DC young and give me a lecture on doing more with my life than they did first. Add to that the whole "children ruin your life" "women are trapped by children" narrative and I just feel stuck. Most of my friends from my home city have children, but none of my university friends that i live near now do so I'd expect judgement from my immediate circle as well.

I just feel like that's the next step in life I want to take. I've wanted DC for years, I have dreams where I'm pregnant or chasing a toddler or dropping off a teenager at school. I really want that life but it feels so unattainable right now. I know all I have to do is wait, but what am I waiting for? It seems such a waste to count the years down doing nothing purposeful with my life until its finally okay.

Ive lived with my partner for two years already. Ideally I'd like to be married first as well, which we've already spoken about and agree on more or less everything, though when I jokingly brought up proposing myself he shot me down and said he really wanted to do it as soon as he got a better paid job (which he has now, as of a few months ago) so I guess I'm waiting for that too.

I just feel so stuck in limbo and like I cant do anything or suggest anything without it being the wrong path in life to take. Aibu to feel this way?

It's a good job they don't all wait.

is it?

So you’re saying that people who don’t have ideal finances should never have babies? People who would make amazing parents, people who desperately want a baby...they shouldn’t have them if they’re not wealthy? Wealth doesn’t make a good parent.

I had DS at 23, however I was married, a homeowner, in a graduate job and he wasn't actually planned!
I don't think there's anything wrong with having a child at this age but it does make achieving anything afterwards more difficult like saving up for a wedding or a deposit or of course day to day activities that don't involve a child.
I think it would be wise for you to look at your career first for your own financial stability and independence particularly as you're not married. My own career progression has definitely been limited by working part time.
I personally wouldn't worry too much about what your friends are doing though, my uni friends are still not at the point of having kids but love spending time with my DS, although I do often miss out on nights/weekends away and I've made several other 'mum friends' despite the fact they are all older than me.
Talk to your DP and try and work out a timeline that allows both of you to achieve what you want to.

PoppingOneOutIn2020 there’s absolutely one need to be so hostile and make personal comments here. You said something incorrect, people corrected you - no need to double down and be rude.

And for your information I sparkle just fine

"OP being on a minimum wage doesn't matter if her husband is supportive and earning enough money to cover them both."

It matters if they split up, it's not a moot point.

Had mine young. 30 and youngest is 5.

Found out last year after a severe infection that I’m likely to never be able to have kids. That’s fine by me I’m donneee. But it’s made me so. Fucking. Thankful that I had them young

I listened to all the well meaning advise about waiting until I was in a better job was more financially secure etc. I now can’t have kids and it haunts me that maybe if I’d listened to what I wanted when I was younger then I wouldn’t be in the absolutely awful place of desperately wanting kids but being unable to have them. Listen to what you want and do that
Best of luck

I would also add that although fertility does drop with age, there is obviously a growing issue with fertility generally and I don't know what's causing it.

When I was younger there'd be the odd older couple who didn't have kids (maybe by choice I don't know!)

But it's constantly mentioned now.

I'd be interested to know the scientific reasons, whether these are suppressed by government I don't know. Sound a bit fun hat there.

@pimbee

Not necessarily. If they have plans to get married, then she'll get a 50:50 split of assets if they do. Similarly, there are benefits in place to help lower earning single mothers, and child maintenance her partner would have to pay.

I'm not sure how this is much different to a SAHM who's not had a career for 20 years, divorcing her partner who has decided to squirrel his money away so she receives barely anything. At least OP is currently in work, can work P/T while child-rearing, and then has the freedom to look at other career paths once her children are in school. She isn't as stuck as you make out. Plus, you know, they're still together. Wealth and age doesn't determine how long a relationship will last. How many threads have we read on here about a high earning partner being an abusive arsehole to his wife who doesn't work? Plenty.

Stop with the scare stories.

@amysaurus87 absolutely, and at no point did I say you wouldnt not and could not get pregnant after 30.

The point is, fertility does decline.

It can take a perfectly healthy couple in their early twenties up to 12 months to conceive. That's up to a year of disappointed and heartbreak month after month, on top of slowly declining fertility.
Even then, 12 months isn't a promise. If DP has a less than average sperm count, or OP has polycystic ovaries, which isn't always diagnosed until TTC, that adds to the time.

When I went to the doctor for bleeding mid cycles when TTC for nearly a year, the doctor said they wouldnt touch me until after 2 years if trying.. not sure why as I think most doctors say after 12 months they'll do a 21 day bloods and other tests.

We might not have a time limit on our desire to have a child, but we do have a biological clock.

@tubatwolocusts

Exactly, and wouldnt you rather find out at 24 if you're going to struggle than at 34?

@vanillaicedtea did it sound like they had assets? I'm sure she would have mentioned to bolster her argument? doesn't sound like they are married either?

The difference is she's 23, she has the world at her feet and the ability to make good choices. While we can't plan for "perfection" is anyone here honestly thinking 23, unmarried, on NMW a GOOD situation to CHOOSE to have a baby. Really?

Wealth doesn’t make a good parent

True.

Poverty makes it a lot harder to be a good one though

The more middle class wealthier people I know have the most undisciplined children. They have children who feel pressured by their parents. They have children who are immature and babied. They have children who are brats. Children who get no attention at all.

Wealth doesn’t make it easier to be a good parent at all. Wealth doesn’t buy maternal instinct or time. It doesn’t buy being a fundamentally good person or role model. But sure, if you’re wealthy you can afford extra curricular activities and tutoring if that’s what you mean. Those bloody poor people eh, they’ll never compare!

I had my first at 21. I personally now wish I'd waited a few years, mainly because we hadn't really 'done' much beforehand. I wish we had gone on a few holidays, eaten in nice places, going for long walks. I find parenting so hard.... I feel like I'm sometimes wishing time away so we can be just us again. We didn't make the most of it or appreciate it.

But if someone had told me all this back when we were ttc I wouldn't have listened anyway! I was so incredibly desperate for a baby, all sense of reason had left me!

Does your partner actuality discuss anything with you in what feels like a collaborative way or does he just dictate to you what his ideas are all the time?

The right Co parent is a million times more important than timing, in my experience. It it's absolutely imperative you have children with somebody you feel happy and excited about your plans together and that they listen to and validate/respect your opinion. Obviously you won't always agree but it should at least feel like a mutually pleasing solution, not just what one person wants all the time.

Also, I earned just above minimum wage when I fell pregnant and now 11 years later still earn just above minimum wage. My chosen career path will never pay particularly well!

Had mine at 29 and 31. I would happily have had children at 25 tbh and see no issues with that if your partner is on board. Although I was one of the youngest in my antenatal group and amongst my friend group, might have been lonely if I'd had them younger.

spend my twenties on failed IVF attempts (which you need money for anyway)

As opposed to your 30s?
What difference does it make?

Id rather know sooner personally.

I think it you feel ready, you feel ready. When I had my first at 27 , my notes proclaimed me to be a geriatric pregnancy. However, this was over 30 years ago, so I suspect definitions have changed as it is much more common now to have first children at around 30. As to being financially ready - we were. That's why we waited seven years after getting married before ttc. Then, a series of events happened , beginning the day after I found out I was pregnant, which completely screwed us financially for years. If I could have my time over again, I would not have waited so long and many aspects of our lives would have been very different.

Take a look at nursery fees and then think long and hard about how you would afford it, what life would be like on your partner's salary alone, trying to get up the career ladder while juggling children and school runs etc even getting school hours friendly jobs!

I had my first at 35 and no way do I regret waiting. I did my undergraduate degree, worked a bit, went back and did a masters after a few years, worked for another few years and completed professional exams before having DC. I'm in a great place career wise, did loads of partying in my 20s and first half of my 30s! DH and I have a comfortable combined income which means we can provide well for our DC without having to struggle and we're both in a place to be able to focus on our family because we are financially secure. By no means am I suggesting money is everything, because it isnt! But it does make the other aspects of raising a child much easier when you're not having to expend energy worrying about paying the bills/nursery/ever bigger clothes etc etc

@PoppingOneOutIn2020 you're a right charmer.