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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

409 replies

caraofthevelvetbluesea · 15/09/2019 17:57

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not so would be good to get views on this. For context, though not sure if this is even really relevant - partner and I have been together for 6 years, have a mortgage together and have spoken about marriage. He is not in any debt at all apart from the mortgage, and I’ve got about £5k in credit card debt. I’d say our spending habits are the same but he earns double me, though we both work full time.

He has recently inherited £80k. I asked him what he would be doing with the money and he is putting all of it into a savings account or into stocks/shares. I absolutely didn’t expect him to just give me a wad of cash to go wild with as I understand it’s HIS money to do whatever with, but AIBU to be annoyed that he doesn’t want to spend any of it at all on any sort of shared experience that we could both enjoy? We don’t have a lot of money left to spend each month, especially me as I’m trying to pay my credit card debts off, and I wish he’d just say (for example), “we’re going to New York!!!”

Or just surprise me with something similar. He could still save 95% of his money as he sees fit. I just feel upset as I struggle each month with credit card repayments and meanwhile he will have huge sums in the bank.

I’ve said nothing as don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be honest, please can you honestly tell me what your expectations would be if this was you?

OP posts:
Countrylifeornot · 15/09/2019 17:58

I'd expect a treat from the money after 6 years and a joint mortgage. I'd probably have a face on me if he didn't arrange something.

Maneandfeathers · 15/09/2019 17:59

I suppose technically it is his money but I suspect DH would share an inheritance with us as his family, or at least do something with it that would benefit us all, as would I.

I probably wouldn’t expect him to pay off my debt if that wasn’t something we got together though.

Sodamncaughtinthemiddle · 15/09/2019 17:59

It's his inheritance
I wouldn't expect anything
If he suggested it then lovely but wouldn't expect anything

8by8 · 15/09/2019 18:00

I would have no expectations at all.

You’re not married, it doesn’t sound like you have children, and you clearly have separate finances.

If he wants to save it, that’s entirely his choice. I wouldn’t have any expectations of benefitting from it.

FWIW my now DH inherited about £300k when we were at a similar stage in our relationship, and it all went into savings, he didn’t splash any of it on treats for us and it didn’t occur to me that he might.

MaryBerriesNiece · 15/09/2019 18:00

We don’t have a lot of money left to spend each month, especially me as I’m trying to pay my credit card debts off

I wouldn’t be using my inheritance to pay off a partners debt or take them on holiday. You don’t have huge sums in the bank, he does.

Wildorchidz · 15/09/2019 18:01

What caused your 5k credit card debt? Does it pre-date your relationship or is it due to frivolous spending?

MrsMozartMkII · 15/09/2019 18:04

Our inheritance, etc. are 'our' money, i.e. joint.

The one who came into it might have a thought about what they want to do with it, but we'd both have the benefit.

Teddybear45 · 15/09/2019 18:05

You aren’t married so no you shouldn’t be expecting anything financial from him. If you want rights over his money, well, that’s what marriage is for.

PooWillyBumBum · 15/09/2019 18:05

A bit. It’s his money. To be honest if I inherited a similar amount I’d just pop it into the mortgage/pensions and forget about it!

Actionhasmagic · 15/09/2019 18:07

I bought my husband a new iPhone and took him to dinner at a fancy restaurant twice when I inherited some money. I love him and wanted to share it with him.

Outsomnia · 15/09/2019 18:07

I got a slightly smaller inheritance than the OP mentioned.

Gave a gift to all my nieces and nephews, and paid off the relatively small, but crippling to her, debt of a family member. (Cannot have kids of my own, but that's another story and have come to terms with it).

Money is made round to go around, not flat to pile up!

I have a good chunk left, so me and DP are going on a nice adult only holiday soon, my treat. He didn't ask for anything BTW. The remainder is staying in the bank!

Sad that my relative is gone, but she would be thrilled to know it was spread about a bit I think.

FizzyPink · 15/09/2019 18:08

I agree with previous posters that you’re not entitled to any of this money but I just can’t get my head around coming into that amount and not wanting to do something nice for the person I love.
I appreciate I am overly generous and love treating people but I do wonder whether this is an indication of quite a mean personality. I’d be wary and having a lot of talks before having children/going on maternity leave with this man.

Medianoche · 15/09/2019 18:08

Inheritance is not a lottery win or a work bonus. It’d be a rare case if there wasn’t some grief involved. There can also be a sense of obligation to only spend it, and a lot will depend on the memories of the person who has died. Investing it allows you to defer the decisions until your head clears and you feel ready to commit to what you actually want to spend the money on.
He might just not be ready to spend any of the money yet. Don’t take it personally; it’s not unusual.

Medianoche · 15/09/2019 18:09

Should say ‘to only spend it on certain things or in certain ways’

BringTheBounceBack · 15/09/2019 18:10

I’m afraid I’m in the “you’re not married” camp

Petrichor11 · 15/09/2019 18:11

If it was a close relative and a recent death, is he just grieving and feels unable to enjoy the money right now, because he’d rather have his relative?

But in the end, it’s his money, it’s his choice.

HollowTalk · 15/09/2019 18:11

Do you earn differing amounts? How are the bills split? What did you use your c/c for?

Happypelican · 15/09/2019 18:11

You shouldn’t expect anything he can do whatever he pleases with it. I’m due a substantial inheritance my partner wouldn’t expect anything from it not that I wouldn’t treat but my parents left it for me not to pay off someone’s debt.

monkeysox · 15/09/2019 18:11

Why doesn't he pay a chunk off your mortgage and you signed a declaration of trust to protect his investment.
You'd both be better off each month.
It's unfair if your paying 50/50 of everything if his wages are very much higher than yours. Is that why you have debts now?

Lifecraft · 15/09/2019 18:12

I’d say our spending habits are the same but he earns double me

That'll be why you're in debt then.

EskewedBeef · 15/09/2019 18:12

He's being very stupid to let you struggle to manage the debt while there is cash available. You'll be paying far more in interest than he can earn on it.

Have you suggested he chuck a few grand your way? Have you always been strictly separate with your finances?

minesagin37 · 15/09/2019 18:12

I inherited 120k and bought us a new house and it's just our money. I don't think of it as mine and his.

Ginger1982 · 15/09/2019 18:14

On the one hand, you've been together a while and have a joint mortgage so you might expect him to use some of the money towards the mortgage or a holiday.

However on the other hand you're not married and have no kids. It's his money and he could be reasonably thinking that your debt, for example, isn't his problem.

You shouldn't have pound signs in your eyes.

NotStayingIn · 15/09/2019 18:14

I wouldn’t be expecting anything but like you I think it would be a lovely gesture if he did pay for some sort of treat for the two of you to enjoy together. Nothing huge, say spend around £1k so he can save £79k. I think I would also be disappointed like you. And yes of course he doesn’t need to, but he can treat you both so surely that would be a really loving gesture.

LolaSmiles · 15/09/2019 18:14

It's hard because a treat would lovely, however if you are 6 years in, not married and have separate finances ultimately it's up to him.

He earns double what you earn but you spend the same, you have thousands in credit card debt but want him to say "I've inherited so let's go to New York". That is more than a little treat.

Talking about marriage means nothing (as many threads on MN show). As it stands you have separate finances and different expectations on money. Money is one of the biggest factors in divorce. I'd let him do what he wants with his inheritance and spend some time reflecting on whether your attitudes on it align