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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

409 replies

caraofthevelvetbluesea · 15/09/2019 17:57

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not so would be good to get views on this. For context, though not sure if this is even really relevant - partner and I have been together for 6 years, have a mortgage together and have spoken about marriage. He is not in any debt at all apart from the mortgage, and I’ve got about £5k in credit card debt. I’d say our spending habits are the same but he earns double me, though we both work full time.

He has recently inherited £80k. I asked him what he would be doing with the money and he is putting all of it into a savings account or into stocks/shares. I absolutely didn’t expect him to just give me a wad of cash to go wild with as I understand it’s HIS money to do whatever with, but AIBU to be annoyed that he doesn’t want to spend any of it at all on any sort of shared experience that we could both enjoy? We don’t have a lot of money left to spend each month, especially me as I’m trying to pay my credit card debts off, and I wish he’d just say (for example), “we’re going to New York!!!”

Or just surprise me with something similar. He could still save 95% of his money as he sees fit. I just feel upset as I struggle each month with credit card repayments and meanwhile he will have huge sums in the bank.

I’ve said nothing as don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be honest, please can you honestly tell me what your expectations would be if this was you?

OP posts:
bombomboobah · 15/09/2019 19:25

He doesnt see you as a partner, more a housemate with benefits, you seem to be saying that he doesnt do his fair share of the domestic work...sounds like he likes to lord it over you?

Hecateh · 15/09/2019 19:26

My son earns approximately 3 times what his girlfriend earns. They have a mortgage together. His is salary, hers varies month to month.

He pays enough into the joint pot to cover all household bills including fuel, (he uses a lot more than her). Whatever that proportion is of his wage, she pays a similar proportion of hers.

TheKarateKitty · 15/09/2019 19:27

Definitely have a talk to him about splitting the bills fairly, as well as the housework! That does come across as very unfair, as you’re a couple and not just friends sharing a house.

Do you also pay for the food shop in its entirety? The way it was worded seems like you do.

It was prudent for him to put it the inheritance into savings. I would have done the same. Although, I agree with posters saying paying off some of the mortgage would be prudent as well, and benefits you both.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/09/2019 19:27

The bills are already fair, 50/50 between the two adults. Why should he pay more because he earns more and didn’t get into debt.

Dandelion1993 · 15/09/2019 19:28

I would t expect anything but it would be nice to maybe pay off a bit extra on the mortgage to give a break over Christmas

coco123456789 · 15/09/2019 19:29

You haven’t answered why you are in debt. To be honest, the idea of going off to New York when you are in debt does make me wonder at your attitude to incomings / outgoing and living within your means. I’m not sure how old you are, but unless you are in your late 30s 6 years isn’t so long in the grand scheme of things. Plenty of people have relationships for 8-10 years which don’t lead to marriage when they are at uni or in their 20s

sleepychunky · 15/09/2019 19:33

I inherited a 5- figure sum from my DGrandad 4 years ago. It paid for a loft extension, a new car for me and 2 family holidays. But I am married with 2 DC and my grandad was very close to us all. The rest (c. £10k) is in my personal savings account and I have no intention of spending it on anything else for the family. I think that's a fair split.

Windyone · 15/09/2019 19:33

He’s very sensibly saving it so if you stay together presumably you will benefit from it in the future

whirlwinds · 15/09/2019 19:34

@coco123456789 And no I’m not in debt because I’m a ‘frivolous’ spender but because the two degrees I did crippled me & the cost of living in this country is high Ops answer regarding the debt.

bombomboobah · 15/09/2019 19:34

thing is you are a couple, we expect this to be a relationship between equals, people of equal standing, yet he likes you to be in the 'poor relation' seat

GreatBigNoise · 15/09/2019 19:36

How long have you lived together?

I don’t think he is being unreasonable. He is saving the money and that’s the right thing to do. It’s very normal not to want to fritter away parts of an inheritance and want to save all of it to put into something substantial. Like putting it away in savings until it’s needed for a house move or whatever. Its also very typical that people are advised to do nothing with an inheritance until they have had a chance to think about what they want to do with it.

I think you are unreasonable to think he should spend some of it on a treat for you both.

LolaSmiles · 15/09/2019 19:36

Coco
Part was related to studying degrees
Part was linked to cost of living

Obviously if OP is also spending the same as her DP that's going to affect her finances too.

Curious2468 · 15/09/2019 19:38

If it’s a recent inheritance he may not be ready to touch it emotionally. It took me 3 years before I spent a penny of mine

Original poster
caraofthevelvetbluesea · 15/09/2019 19:38

@whirlwinds thanks for pointing out that I’d already answered this!

Totally get both sides of this are valid but I have to say I do resent the implication that because I have debt I’m frivolous or bad with money. Maybe it’s a generational thing - I’m 26, so a ‘millennial’ who should probably be used to accusations that I should just get a grip on my avocado toast habit 🙄

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 15/09/2019 19:39

I don’t think you’re wrong for wanting some sort of consideration and I don’t think he’s wrong for putting it all away. The point is, you’re clearly on different pages with regards to finances and that is possibly going to get harder to reconcile as your relationship goes on. If you decide you want a family, will you put off having them until you’re clear of cc debt and loans? Because you certainly can’t afford them at the moment if he’s expecting you to contribute 50/50 to their upbringing.

I’m curious why, if you’ve spoken about marriage in the future, you’ve decided not to go ahead yet? There’s nothing wrong with being happily unmarried, but is that what you want?

Original poster
caraofthevelvetbluesea · 15/09/2019 19:41

I’m not looking to get married anytime soon, possibly never, as just not sure it’s for me. But we have spoken about it, I made this point to (try and) show that it’s a long term relationship not just like someone I’m casually dating, though I suppose that’s obvious from the mortgage

OP posts:
Lovebeingmama · 15/09/2019 19:43

After 6 years together and a shared mortgage I’d feel we were at the point where we were a partnership not have separate finances.
It would worry me that my partner kept that separation at this stage. I suppose different people have different arrangements.
You mention that he earns more than you. Is the debt from keeping a couple lifestyle that you can’t maintain? Most couples have joint finances so this doesn’t happen.
I’d expect after 6 years some joint discussion on the windfall. I’d see us s relationship not two separate people that share a house.

incognitomum · 15/09/2019 19:44

He's not fair with money full stop even before the inheritance.

titchy · 15/09/2019 19:44

I think the inheritance is the least of your issues to be honest. He should be paying proportionally way more than he is if he earns significantly more than you. What sort of man let's the person he purports to love struggle financially because he won't split things equitably. He won't marry you OP - he'd be risking his money if he did.

How is the house split on the deeds - equally I hope.

You need to have a conversation about your future, and about making things equitable. If he stalls, which he will, you need to move on. Note - equitable does not mean equal.

Whitejasmine · 15/09/2019 19:47

He sounds like a total miser. Is he usually so tight?

Supersimkin · 15/09/2019 19:48

In theory you're BU to expect anything, but it's a bit chilling IRL you've got £0 or even a pizza. Is he usually this mean?

I wouldn't be washing his socks anytime soon. No treats.

Ohbuggerlugs · 15/09/2019 19:49

I would personally see it as 50% my DPs, which wouldn’t mean I would give him 40k it would mean we would both benefit from it almost equally.... and I would like to think he would be the same. If not, personally I think people being different with money is a huge issue, well it certainly can be

Ginger1982 · 15/09/2019 19:50

Marriage does make a difference - of course it does! It shows a proper commitment. And an inheritance would only be considered a matrimonial asset if it was used to benefit both parties in the marriage, such as paying off a mortgage. If you don't want to get married then you need to accept that certain 'advantages' will pass you by.

As for the bill situation, I don't think it's necessarily wrong they are split 50/50. Different if you had kids and were either not working or working part time and couldn't earn because you were providing childcare.

mathanxiety · 15/09/2019 19:50

Maybe the problem is that you are thinking in terms of 'we' but he is thinking 'me, myself, and I'.

You mention the mortgage and that you've been together six years, and 'have spoken about marriage'. I suspect that in your head you have already got a foot in the door wrt marriage.

Maybe your P sees himself as your mortgage partner and housemate with benefits.

He sounds like a tightwad, frankly.
And you are getting the thin end of the financial wedge in the relationship.

Quite frankly, I would be asking, 'What's in this for me?' at this point if I were you.
Talking about marriage isn't the same at all as popping the question and buying a ring. Meanwhile, you are essentially paying proportionally way more than he is for the privilege of living in the house with him. He is not as invested financially as you are in your shared life.

You need to talk about finances. Listen carefully to what he actually says, not what you want to hear.

I suspect time elapsed and having a mortgage in both your names along with 'talking about marriage' has given you more hope of a solid foundation to the relationship than what this turn of events reflects.

Don't have children until you are sure there are no more issues between the two of you wrt money.

fussychica · 15/09/2019 19:50

Can't believe how many people think the 50:50 split is fine when he earns double.

If you love someone and have a home and mortgage together then surely you wouldn't want your partner to be struggling to make all the required payments every month while you didn't need to think about it. Regardless of the inheritance issue I think the OP is being badly treated.

Massive Red flag now and for the future of this relationship.

When I had an inheritance I put the money towards buying our home and a new car for our family. I would never have thought have keeping a separate stash for me.