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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

409 replies

caraofthevelvetbluesea · 15/09/2019 17:57

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not so would be good to get views on this. For context, though not sure if this is even really relevant - partner and I have been together for 6 years, have a mortgage together and have spoken about marriage. He is not in any debt at all apart from the mortgage, and I’ve got about £5k in credit card debt. I’d say our spending habits are the same but he earns double me, though we both work full time.

He has recently inherited £80k. I asked him what he would be doing with the money and he is putting all of it into a savings account or into stocks/shares. I absolutely didn’t expect him to just give me a wad of cash to go wild with as I understand it’s HIS money to do whatever with, but AIBU to be annoyed that he doesn’t want to spend any of it at all on any sort of shared experience that we could both enjoy? We don’t have a lot of money left to spend each month, especially me as I’m trying to pay my credit card debts off, and I wish he’d just say (for example), “we’re going to New York!!!”

Or just surprise me with something similar. He could still save 95% of his money as he sees fit. I just feel upset as I struggle each month with credit card repayments and meanwhile he will have huge sums in the bank.

I’ve said nothing as don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be honest, please can you honestly tell me what your expectations would be if this was you?

OP posts:
MoonageDaydreamz · 15/09/2019 18:49

Sorry, yabu.

You're not married, you don't have any legal or moral claim over his inheritance. In his situation I would be investing that money in something soley in my name as a nest egg for the future and wouldn't be frittering it away on holidays or presents.

In the same position I wouldn't be paying your credit card debt off either.

As a general rule though, I think he should be contributing to the household more if he earns double you do.

I don't get the impression this man is ever going to marry you (and the 80k probably makes it less likely as he'd then have to split it with you), so it depends on whether you're OK with that.

Lardlizard · 15/09/2019 18:49

Why do people set up homes with men that earn lots more, don’t get married and except the man having. MOre money than them ?

Rezie · 15/09/2019 18:49

I'm not sure how marriage would make a difference. Even in marriage her credit card debt was hers and he would be entitled to use his inheritance whenever he wants. Even if they were married they'd likely share 50/50. This is not a relationship where they just started dating. They have a joint mortgage. While everyone is obviously entitled to their inheritance but I do agree that it would be nice if he used some to shorten their mortgage (Or do you have it agreed that both of you pay 50%) or maybe go for a holiday together. Or pays of her credit card since it's not from frivolous spending.

Also you need to come up with a new agreement on how to split bills. I'm not one of those who are into totally shared finances and it doesnt work with everyone. I'm a big supporter of %income when it comes to splitting bills.

AllFourOfThem · 15/09/2019 18:49

Does marriage make such a difference then?

It can do. It suggests a commitment, like shared finances do. Whilst you have a linked finance through a mortgage, your other finances aren’t shared and for the household.

I think the issue here is more that he is a saver. He has no debts and has sensibly put the inheritance money into savings. I appreciate it can be difficult sharing a lifestyle with a partner who earns more than you but clearly you prioritise spending over being debt free or else you wouldn’t owe £5k.

I would work on getting rid of the debt. An internet free loan might free up a bit more of your money whilst giving you a fixed time to not owe anything. In the meantime, if he suggested doing anything that is outside your budget say no because you cannot afford it.

Ikeameatballs · 15/09/2019 18:49

Firstly, yes I would definitely treat my partner of 4.5 years to a holiday or a gift eg watch if I came into that much money.

Secondly your joint expenses are unfairly split given your incomes. This is set up like housemates not partners. I would tackle this first.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 15/09/2019 18:49

Dh and I are married, and he recently came into around £50k. We've discussed what to do with it, pay down the mortgage, keep in savings for rainy day fund, pay for an extention to the house. But it didn't occur to me to except a "treat".

A trip to New York or gift or something is a strange thought.

There might be time to have a general discussion about how you split your house hold bills given the difference in your wages, perhaps proportional - a 60/40 split might be fairer - and if he wanted to spend the money on something like work to the house, I'd expect you to have an equal say on what was done- but expecting a treat or experience, which is essentially wasting rather than investing it, seems odd.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/09/2019 18:49

As you are getting married it’ll be half yours anyway surely?

Possibly, but not automatically. An inheritance isn't what's called "an asset of the marriage", especially if it was received when the beneficiary wasn't married ... though it's true a court can allocate some of it to the other partner if there's no other money available to meet their needs following a split

It's a bit of a moot point anyway, though, since this particular couple are still both single. As said, I'd personally be asking for a bit more clarity around the future

Karatema · 15/09/2019 18:50

My husband received an inheritance and I didn't expect to receive a penny (and we've been married over 30 years)!

He treats us regularly (we earn about the same) so I had no expectations.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 15/09/2019 18:51

Why do you pay bills 50/50

Because they're not married - I don't see an issue splitting bills 50/50 - just because he has a good job doesn't mean he should supplement OP - thats just life that some people earn more than others....

The inheritance is his. If he really wants to marry you like you've discussed then he has no excuse now like "saving up for a ring" so you'll soon know whether he sees you as a long term permanent part of his life

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 15/09/2019 18:52

Inheritance can be very complicated emotionally. In order to get it, he had to lose someone he probably loved. Not everyone is ready to spend the money straight away. Although to be honest, you sound a little to keen to benefit from this money and if he thinks you are being grabby then he may take steps to make sure you never get hold of it.

A woman in his situation would be advised to protect her money and I don't think this is any different.

colourlessgreenidea · 15/09/2019 18:52

He has recently inherited £80k. I asked him what he would be doing with the money and he is putting all of it into a savings account or into stocks/shares.

Good for him. A very sensible thing to do.

I absolutely didn’t expect him to just give me a wad of cash to go wild with as I understand it’s HIS money to do whatever with, but AIBU to be annoyed that he doesn’t want to spend any of it at all on any sort of shared experience that we could both enjoy?

Yes. Very unreasonable.

LolaSmiles · 15/09/2019 18:53

One person's "tight" is another person's "prudent". But it sounds like the 2 of you are not on the same financial page.
I agree.

Oh had you been a man OP you would have been ripped to shreds for this. Most would have said she is wise to keep her funds separate and would encourage it. Fortunately for you, there's those that see a man's money as something the woman is entitled to.
I also agree with this
Women are advised to be prudent with their assets if they aren't married and there is any financial discrepancy.
Men on here are expected to make everything family money regardless of marital status and anything else is awful

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/09/2019 18:53

YABU. It’s his inheritance presumably from his family. Up to him what he does with it.

I’d not want my children spending any family money like that on a bf/gf. I’d want them to use it wisely to benefit them in life.

I’d be concerned if I were him that you thought it should be shared or part spent on you.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 15/09/2019 18:55

Put another way, if he'd decided the money was for wasting/spending on fun things, then yes, I'd expect to be joining in on that. But taking a chunk to treat you, rather than to treat himself, out of a lump sum he was considering investing seems really strange.

If he said he was going to buy himself a watch or something similar to remember the person by, that would seem far more likely than buying something for you to mark the inheritance.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 15/09/2019 18:55

Good Lord at all of you who wouldn't hope for a bit of a treat from your partner of 6 years if they came into £80,000. What weird relationships you must have.

berlinbabylon · 15/09/2019 18:57

I agree with pps who say you need to look at the 50-50 split on everyday expenses.

I am married and we do have a child. But if you have been together some years and have a joint mortgage, I don't think the marriage bit is relevant.

I came into an inheritance about 3 years ago. The first thing I did was pay off the mortgage, which benefits the whole family. The second thing I did was to replace our car, which benefited the whole family. And the third thing I did was replace my mum's car, which benefited her.

The rest of the money went into savings, has been used a bit for holidays (for all of us), some is earmarked for ds to use at uni/house deposit and if there's anything left after that it's a bit of a nest egg for a rainy day.

It seems a bit mean to squirrel it away and not share any of it. I didn't buy dh a present but the things above benefit him as well as ds.

Lockheart · 15/09/2019 18:58

Nothing wrong with hoping @Nextphonewontbesamsung, it's the expectation that's the problem.

Nicknacky · 15/09/2019 18:58

next I wouldn’t expect a “treat” if my partner recieved the money due to a bereavement. That would be incredibly selfish.

berlinbabylon · 15/09/2019 18:59

A trip to New York or gift or something is a strange thought

I don't think it is. If you suddenly have extra cash available it's nice to do something with it that you couldn't have afforded otherwise.

LolaSmiles · 15/09/2019 18:59

Nextphonewontbesamsung
There is a massive difference between:

  1. hoping that if he was going to spend it on a little something that I could share in it and
  2. Being annoyed at someone investing their inheritance because I want them to take me to New York and I'll come on MN and accuse them of hoarding money (when we don't have shared finances).
LightsInOtherPeoplesHouses · 15/09/2019 19:00

I guess it depends on your relationship.

Before we were married I helped DH pay off debt, he shared an inheritance by putting it towards a house deposit. We still technically had separate finances up until buying the house.

zafferana · 15/09/2019 19:00

How serious about you do you really think your DP is OP? Six years is a long time to be together and not get married unless you were very young when you met. Most of the couples I know who've got married did so within 4 years of meeting.

Because while yes, it's his money, bla bla bla, I think that if he actually gave a shit about you and saw you as his future wife and your finances as being his business he'd be a lot kinder and fairer than he is. He earns double what you do and you contribute the same to rent and bills leaving you utterly skint every month? He's left you wallowing in debt and he doesn't try to help you out? Fuck a trip to New York, if he really cared about you he'd suggest that the rent and bills were shared out according to earnings, so you could at least pay down the debt faster - or he'd pay it off for you and either say 'Don't worry about it', since money doesn't seem to be an issue for him.

IMO you need to think long and hard about your relationship OP. Does this man really love you and see you as his future wife, because he's not bloody acting like it.

Sparkletastic · 15/09/2019 19:00

There's a reason the rich get richer...

BogglesGoggles · 15/09/2019 19:01

If he earns double your income and you still split bills 50:50 he’s clearly not interested in spending money on you.

Boysey45 · 15/09/2019 19:01

Sorry but I think hes tight. He could have at least offered something. I'd be rethinking marrying or having kids to him. If you love someone surely you want to treat them now and then not sit on a fortune and watch them struggle.