To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

[caraofthevelvetbluesea]

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not so would be good to get views on this. For context, though not sure if this is even really relevant - partner and I have been together for 6 years, have a mortgage together and have spoken about marriage. He is not in any debt at all apart from the mortgage, and I’ve got about £5k in credit card debt. I’d say our spending habits are the same but he earns double me, though we both work full time.

He has recently inherited £80k. I asked him what he would be doing with the money and he is putting all of it into a savings account or into stocks/shares. I absolutely didn’t expect him to just give me a wad of cash to go wild with as I understand it’s HIS money to do whatever with, but AIBU to be annoyed that he doesn’t want to spend any of it at all on any sort of shared experience that we could both enjoy? We don’t have a lot of money left to spend each month, especially me as I’m trying to pay my credit card debts off, and I wish he’d just say (for example), “we’re going to New York!!!”

Or just surprise me with something similar. He could still save 95% of his money as he sees fit. I just feel upset as I struggle each month with credit card repayments and meanwhile he will have huge sums in the bank.

I’ve said nothing as don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be honest, please can you honestly tell me what your expectations would be if this was you?

Well it should be. I wouldn't waste my time showing my commitment to someone by living with them and doing stuff for them if they were in it for number 1.

That's up to you. I don't see why people should share everything with someone just because they live in the same house with them though. I didn't share finances with DH until we were married as that was the point where we had committed to being life partners. If someone

After six years of being together I think it's sad that he didn't even suggest a meal out or a modest trip away. If I had inherited a large sum of money I would want to treat the person that I live with and therefore presumably love very much to a treat.

DDIJ I'm pretty sure spending £2000 or £3000 cant be classed as frittering it away! He'd still have 77K in the bank. Jesus, some people are miserable as hell.

Exactly @cushioncovers - it says more about his mean attitude than anything.

£80k is at the very least enough to treat your partner to a spa weekend if nothing else.

@cushioncovers I guess you have never lost a parent. Going out for a sumptuous meal, taking a trip to New York or having a spa weekend is the last thing you feel like doing. It would be like celebrating your loved one’s death.

And I guess you’ve never been through the agonising and tortuous process of clearing your parents’ house or sorting out probate. This money does not just suddenly appear in your account. There is a hell of a lot of hideous admin that needs doing and a huge amount of grieving. At the end you are glad you just have got through it. You don’t feel like whooping it up.

I’m afraid the OP appears utterly lacking in empathy. This money has been saved by a loved-one over a long time. Now she wants to burn through it. How does the song go: “the handbags and the gladrags that your poor old grandad had to sweat to buy you.”

@Notbeingrobbed
Well said. That’s exactly how I felt when my mother died.
I had a SIL actually complain that I was not being a “very good hostess” when we were putting her & DB up near my mothers home, ferrying them to from/airport.
We had travelled 6hrs ourselves to get to my mother and arrange funeral, probate, sale of her home, disposition of her stuff and her four cats!
I had just lost my mother! And SIL was upset because I wasn’t showing her a good time.

amusedbush
DH just inherited ~£120k and I’ve asked him for nothing. I am paying back debt from my early 20s through Step Change and I have car repayments to make - both my problem. My debt is not his issue.

That's awful of him.
How incredibly mean.
I'm quite shocked by that actually.

Are you not married?
Doesn't sound like much of a partnership to me.
Poor you.

I’m afraid the OP appears utterly lacking in empathy.

How do you know the £80k is from a close relative? Or that it was carefully saved by them over a long time?

It's not like he's won the lottery and is celebrating someone he presumably loved very much has fairly recently died.

It's pretty insensitive to already be thinking about how it could be spent and then taking it a step further and being peeved it isn't being spent the way you want.

I'm sure at some point the money will be used for something that will benefit both of you but I don't think this should be front of mind for you and it isn't your decision to make.

Sorry OP I think YABU.

@Moomin8 if you inherit money it’s normally someone’s life savings or the proceeds of their house. Saving £80k takes a hell of a long time for most people. Sometimes some of that money has trickled down through the generations. It’s not often that someone wins the lottery and then suddenly dies and leaves he money to someone so distant they didn’t give a damn about them! Just think about it. It’s an inheritance not a bonus or a random windfall and it’s probably the only inheritance he will see.

So, @caraofthevelvetbluesea Have you had a talk with him about the chores and splitting of the bills?

My DH inherited approx £300k following the death of his parents. He put it all in savings. That was about 7 years ago now. It's his money and I never felt I had a right to it. When there have been times in thoss years that we've needed money, such as when we did an extension on the house, he's used bits to top up where we were short, but the bulk is still there. Hes8ciewing it as money for us to have an easy retirement on, so I don't feel it's my place to argue with his intentions even though it has grated at times like when we need a new car, knowing it's there but he doesn't see it as spending money. There was no big family treat when the money came through. Neither of us is in debt (although we have a very large mortgage)

Not being robbed I agree with your posts and no one can envisage how hard it is to do what you describe until they have been there!.
It is arduous, sad, time consuming, heart braking.
However..... Watching someone die... Did drum into me how short life is.
The money I received I took v seriously and did as you say... I'll never get more, its not lottery win, its been saved hard for...

But I did ring fence a nominal amount to have fun with loved ones.... It's possible to do both... I wouldn't except him to pay off ops debt... But one weekend break, special jewellery... Something.... Something... Would be nice... Life is short!!

This is my, I can't understand that at all.

I really can't.

I don’t see him as tight. The OP is already in debt and not doing anything extra to clear it so why would he bail her out?

If a BF thought I should be spending on him in these circumstances he would be a BF for long.

@NotBeingRobbed - that was your devastating experience of losing someone, and your understandable reaction to it, but that won't be everyone's experience. Some may want to treat themselves (and their partner!) to celebrate their loved one's life, or as a break from grieving, or they may not experience deep grief for many valid reasons.
There is nothing in the OP to suggest she lacks empathy. I would suggest her DP lacks empathy for her, earning far more than her, yet she pays 50% of bills and is in debt. And does most of the chores.

A grown adult expected to pay 50% of their own way, perish the thoughts. What would the feminists think?

I earn more than my DP and pay more than him (I'm female). It's nothing to do with feminism, it's to do with fairness.

"If you live together with someone as if you're married, you're a team. "

But you're not married. That's what many people think makes the difference when it comes to matters like this.

I think you can always tell the people posting from outside the UK in these threads, because they say things like 'a mortgage is the same as married' or 'living together for 20 years is as big a commitment as marriage.'

In other jurisdictions and cultures- they are 💯 right. But not in the UK.

The inheritance isn’t important. The fact that he earns double than you but expects you to contribute exactly half is concerning. Surely the fair way when living with someone and you both earn is to make sure you each have some disposable income, for one to have plenty and the other to have none seems silly. Why live with someone and plan a life with them if you’re happy to have more than them?

My husband inherited just under 2 mil. We weren’t married at the time yet his first instinct was to buy us a house. No mortgage. He put the rest in savings. His first though was for us and for our future. So I understand why you’d think that way.

However. This wasn’t from his parents. This was another relative and yes he was incredibly sad for a long time. But once the grief had settled. Then he thought of us and our future.

I think what’s more upsetting is that he’s not thinking of ‘you’. Though if it’s from his parents. That could be grief.

I didn’t expect anything. No holiday. Nothing. He wanted to make ‘our’ life easier. As we were going to have a future together

Christ some of the comments here. can you imagine the responses if the situation was reversed and a woman had inherited the money and wanted to invest it all? And that woman had a partner who had debts and who “had a face on” because the woman refused to give him treats or offer to pay off some of the debt? Every single response would be praising the woman for being financially prudent while telling her to LT(grabby)B. It is after all her money. Not his. No-one would be called her tight. 🙄