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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

409 replies

caraofthevelvetbluesea · 15/09/2019 17:57

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not so would be good to get views on this. For context, though not sure if this is even really relevant - partner and I have been together for 6 years, have a mortgage together and have spoken about marriage. He is not in any debt at all apart from the mortgage, and I’ve got about £5k in credit card debt. I’d say our spending habits are the same but he earns double me, though we both work full time.

He has recently inherited £80k. I asked him what he would be doing with the money and he is putting all of it into a savings account or into stocks/shares. I absolutely didn’t expect him to just give me a wad of cash to go wild with as I understand it’s HIS money to do whatever with, but AIBU to be annoyed that he doesn’t want to spend any of it at all on any sort of shared experience that we could both enjoy? We don’t have a lot of money left to spend each month, especially me as I’m trying to pay my credit card debts off, and I wish he’d just say (for example), “we’re going to New York!!!”

Or just surprise me with something similar. He could still save 95% of his money as he sees fit. I just feel upset as I struggle each month with credit card repayments and meanwhile he will have huge sums in the bank.

I’ve said nothing as don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be honest, please can you honestly tell me what your expectations would be if this was you?

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 15/09/2019 18:37

I’d say our spending habits are the same but he earns double me, though we both work full time

Are you spending the same because you are trying to keep up with his preferred lifestyle or because you spend more on optionals?

If you are paying 50/50 for accommodation/bills etc what would his reaction being to a suggestion you move to a cheaper area/reduce food shop etc so that you can pay off your credit cards? Because if its his choice to live and spend at a level you cannot afford then he needs to help.

If the debts are from optional spending not driven by him then yes, it makes more sense to look at your own spending.

Either way - after 6 yrs with a partner, cohabiting and talking of marriage I'd be pretty unimpressed if they squirrelled away a big windfall without so much as the offer of a takeway. It doesn't say much for how finances will work in the future.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 15/09/2019 18:37

we pay the mortgage/bills 50/50, once I have paid my share plus bus pass/food shop/loan and credit card repayments, I really don’t have much left at all.

So he earns much more than you but you split bills 50/50? Now it makes sense why he won't offer you a treat out of his money. He's tight. I'd be thinking carefully about this relationship - inheritance aside, he's getting a good deal, financially. You not so much.

Nicknacky · 15/09/2019 18:37

Was it a close family member who died? When my mum passed away (much smaller amount of money though) I felt strange about spending it and wouldn’t have bought gifts or holidays with it. It didn’t feel right.

I spent it on the house and it still feels slightly tainted that that’s how I could pay for it.

bombomboobah · 15/09/2019 18:37

I think I would take this as an indication of how committed to the relationship he is and I would take steps accordingly to protect myself, but dont share this with him.
He is showing you who he is, take note and dont get caught unawares

C8H10N4O2 · 15/09/2019 18:38

He's tight. I'd be thinking carefully about this relationship - inheritance aside, he's getting a good deal, financially

I agree with this. Very tight to do absolutely nothing, not even discuss how some might contribute to the fuuture marriage.

covetingthepreciousthings · 15/09/2019 18:39

we pay the mortgage/bills 50/50, once I have paid my share plus bus pass/food shop/loan and credit card repayments, I really don’t have much left at all.

Why are you paying 50/50 when he's earning double?!? This is wrong, in my opinion & unfair.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 15/09/2019 18:39

Does your debt pre date your relationship?

Either way it sounds like you aren't currently sharing your finances so I'm not sure why you expect this money to be treated differently.

I would be questioning why your finances aren't generally joined if you are in it for the long run.

ColaFreezePop · 15/09/2019 18:39

Even if you were married you should not expect him to pay off your debt regardless of the inheritance as long as you both work.

You need to sit down with him, explain what you earn and explain why you cannot do things exactly 50/50. It needs to be done now before you have children.

As a PP said money is why lots of couples get divorced so you need to start talking money and finances with him, otherwise you are wasting years of your life on a relationship that isn't going anywhere.

snowbear66 · 15/09/2019 18:39

I think if you are paying 50/50 but you earn half less then he is tight.
It seems he wants the benefits of a committed relationship- investment in house etc but is unwilling to really blend together as a couple after 6 years.

bouncydog · 15/09/2019 18:40

We’ve been married over 30 years and when my husband inherited a sizeable sum it went straight into savings in his name. I had no expectations at all and would have felt very uncomfortable taking something his parents had worked for. However some months later he presented me with a beautiful piece of jewellery which he had chosen himself and used some of his money to buy. He may surprise you - you shouldn’t have any expectation though.

Starlight456 · 15/09/2019 18:40

How you describe your finances no.

The been married does make a difference . In essence you have no claim on his money if you separate.

He isn’t spending it on anything never mind for you .

Maybe he feels that is his security.

UniversalAunt · 15/09/2019 18:41

The inheritance was given to him, not the two of you together.

Yes, it would be nice for him to treat you, maybe a bit lavishly on your birthday or at Christmas. But there is no protocol for this.

Would you ask him to lend you the money to pay off your credit card in one fell swoop & pay him back over a longer time at a more favourable rate of interest ? This is his helping you to help yourself, you’d be making progress on your debt & have more splashable cash each month.

OVienna · 15/09/2019 18:41

Yes, YABU.

AdaColeman · 15/09/2019 18:42

@caraofthevelvetbluesea
Yes, sorry, I was typing at the same time as you, so hadn't seen your follow on post.
As he earns twice what you do, your bills should be split proportionally, not 50/50. Sounds as though I was right about him being mean, at the moment you are effectively supporting him...no wonder you have no money left while he has plenty.

Shoxfordian · 15/09/2019 18:44

It doesn't seem like he thinks of you as a team, he could easily pay that 5k off and he hasn't. Not a good sign

OVienna · 15/09/2019 18:44

Also what @Medianoche said regarding the cash and grief. Your DP should only be doing what feels right to him.

CaptSkippy · 15/09/2019 18:45

What I don't understand is that you split all costs 50/50 eventhough he earns twice as much as you do. Without him you would have lived more cheaply and would not have to struggle so much to pay off your debts.

This is not about inherritance, but about not dividing your shared living expenses fairly. I think you need to have a talk about that.

RingtheBells · 15/09/2019 18:46

This does not bode well for the future, he sounds very tight and has a lot more disposable income than you, not someone I would want to marry and have children with

HavelockVetinari · 15/09/2019 18:46

If he's got you paying 50/50 whilst he earns double what you earn he's a tight git and, I'll be honest, probably not looking to marry you (or share finances once married if he does pop the question). Do you really want to live like that?

Lazypuppy · 15/09/2019 18:46

Why do you pay bills 50/50 if you earn such differing amounts, thats silly and should be addressed.

You are not married and that makes a massive difference. He needs to protect his money

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/09/2019 18:47

It's unreasonable to expect him to spend part of his inheritance on you, or to expect any say in how he spends his inheritance, when you're not married and you've spent your whole relationship to date spitting money equally and staying financially separate. That hasn't been fair either, it should be proportionate.

Is merging finances on the cards?

RingtheBells · 15/09/2019 18:47

Has a lot more disposable income disregarding the inheritance.

BarbariansMum · 15/09/2019 18:48

Does marriage make a difference

All the difference in the world. If he wanted to marry you and share all his worldly goods with you he'd ask you to marry him. If you want to be married, why haven't you asked him? You seem pretty passive in all this, have you talked to him about the money and suggested a holiday?

One person's "tight" is another person's "prudent". But it sounds like the 2 of you are not on the same financial page.

ASeriesOfUnfortunateEvents · 15/09/2019 18:48

Oh had you been a man OP you would have been ripped to shreds for this. Most would have said she is wise to keep her funds separate and would encourage it. Fortunately for you, there's those that see a man's money as something the woman is entitled to.

I don't think you have a right to anything and the fact that you think you do should be ringing alarm bells for him and something he may want to consider about you. It's off-putting.

You pay 50/50 as what is encouraged in relationships, but you still have separate finances and have only been together 6 years. You have not been together decades or even have children to consider.

Your debt is your concern, it's not his to pay off.

Septembersunrays · 15/09/2019 18:48

I'm in the ok, he has no obligation to give you any money at all, however after 6 years if he didn't feel slightly compelled to I think it's a worry.

How long has he had this money for? Was it close relative? If its a year ish.. It can take a year to decide what to do with it..

I had v small inheritance. I did small things to benefit whole family. Upgraded some house stuff we all benefit from. Rest in savings. However its saving for all of us. If dh needs it he can have some. I'll also use some for his bday.

But I've not spent anything on myself at all. I don't feel I can it must be savings.
It's a shame he can't pay you a little bit... Or treat you both...

I'd be seriously questioning relationship...