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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

409 replies

caraofthevelvetbluesea · 15/09/2019 17:57

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not so would be good to get views on this. For context, though not sure if this is even really relevant - partner and I have been together for 6 years, have a mortgage together and have spoken about marriage. He is not in any debt at all apart from the mortgage, and I’ve got about £5k in credit card debt. I’d say our spending habits are the same but he earns double me, though we both work full time.

He has recently inherited £80k. I asked him what he would be doing with the money and he is putting all of it into a savings account or into stocks/shares. I absolutely didn’t expect him to just give me a wad of cash to go wild with as I understand it’s HIS money to do whatever with, but AIBU to be annoyed that he doesn’t want to spend any of it at all on any sort of shared experience that we could both enjoy? We don’t have a lot of money left to spend each month, especially me as I’m trying to pay my credit card debts off, and I wish he’d just say (for example), “we’re going to New York!!!”

Or just surprise me with something similar. He could still save 95% of his money as he sees fit. I just feel upset as I struggle each month with credit card repayments and meanwhile he will have huge sums in the bank.

I’ve said nothing as don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be honest, please can you honestly tell me what your expectations would be if this was you?

OP posts:
DaveCoachesgavemetheclap · 15/09/2019 19:02

I recently inherited £35K and my DH (of 21 years) suggested I put it into my retirement fund (I'm 52). He's an only child and his mum is well off (and 92) so the chances are he'll inherit a lot more than I did and I'd tell him to di the same.

Alaimo · 15/09/2019 19:02

I've been in a similar situation, and I would/did expect a 'treat' or for him to spend at least a bit on the money that would benefit us both. I knew I wasn't entitled to anything, but I would have been annoyed if he hadn't shared any of it. However, my (now) DH is incredibly tight with money and he has never been the kind to treat himself or others, so I knew he wouldn't want to spend money on something as frivolous as a trip to NY. Instead we talked about it and decided it'd be nice to have a car, so he spent £4k of his inheritance to buy us a second hand car as it was something practical that we could both enjoy. He kept the rest to save for the future. That worked for both of us and stopped it from causing any anonymity.

I've inherited a bit of money in the past month and can't even imagine not sharing (some of) it, but I've come to accept that me & DH simply have different attitudes to money.

Gillian1980 · 15/09/2019 19:06

Yabu if you EXPECTED him to and think he should, but I guess yanbu to feel a bit disappointed that he didn’t choose to.

When I got some inheritance I paid off my boyfriends overdraft and took us both to nyc. However, he had just financially supported me through my final year of uni so in a way I was thanking him for his support.

Maybe he doesn’t see receiving the inheritance as anything to celebrate and would rather not use it for anything “frivolous”?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/09/2019 19:07

If he really wants to marry you like you've discussed then he has no excuse now like "saving up for a ring" so you'll soon know whether he sees you as a long term permanent part of his life

Indeed

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 15/09/2019 19:07

I think I'd be looking for a partner who is more naturally generous, more of a sharer, tbh OP. Your partner sounds mean.

Poppyhopscotch · 15/09/2019 19:10

To be honest, if my DH inherited some money, I would consider it 'our' money. Same as if I inherited money. We have been married 4 years and have 2 DC and a joint mortgage. We earn about the same but if that changed I don't think we'd deal with money any differently. On that basis, I would expect us to have a discussion and agree what we'd do with the money.

Itsnotmesothere · 15/09/2019 19:10

I'm on the fence. You're not married so ordinarily I would say YABU but you also have a mortgage with him and maybe he could contribute to that. Should your finances be separate if you have a mortgage together??
Also you're not in debt because you blow money on things like trips to New York are you? You do things like that and 80 grand will soon go.

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 15/09/2019 19:10

that's a shame he doesn't want to pay off your debt, it's not that much considering what he got and it would make such a change to your life. Is he mean in general? It's a tricky one as what can you say!? You can't ask for him to pay the debt but I think you could get away with suggesting a holiday/trip for you both would be nice and see what he says?

Oflawrence · 15/09/2019 19:10

Legally it's his but in your situation I would view myself as married and having shared finances so it would be our money to decide what to do with. But that's just me and maybe not a widely held view.

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 15/09/2019 19:12

I inherited quite a large sum of money prior to moving in with DP who later became DH. I have spent a lot of money on his house although I don't contribute to the mortgage, e.g. new kitchen, 2 new bathrooms, garden landscaping, new furniture, decorating when necessary, and lots more. I also spend a lot on holidays - the rest is saved for a rainy day. It was my parents' money and now mine - I don't think he feels entitled to any of it?

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 15/09/2019 19:12

YABU . You are not married, it is his money not yours. I would expect perhaps a small present but that is all.

colourlessgreenidea · 15/09/2019 19:12

Good Lord at all of you who wouldn't hope for a bit of a treat from your partner of 6 years if they came into £80,000. What weird relationships you must have.

I’ve inherited two fairly substantial sums in the last few years. I’ve invested part of it (some for us, some for the children); the rest was spent on house renovations and clearing all of our debts.

We’re not flashy, we don’t buy designer clothes or huge TVs, not much interested in ‘things’. We can afford the type of holiday we want each year without dipping into savings or invested money, so no need to spend any on that. Don’t want or need a fancy car, the one I’ve got is fine.

I don’t see that it’s weird to receive a sum of money and not immediately need to blow a wedge of it on a ‘treat’. Inherited money often comes with an emotional aspect, and the ‘fun’ element can be difficult to reconcile with that.

colourlessgreenidea · 15/09/2019 19:14

in your situation I would view myself as married

Why would you view yourself as married to someone you’re not married to? Confused

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/09/2019 19:14

I think you’d not feel like this if he treated you like an equal partner every day. It is his inheritance and it is choice whether or not to share it with you. However, this is part of a wider pattern. Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life and potentially have children with a man, who is happy to see you in debt?! What would happen when you had a child, would he expect you to feed and clothe the child on your mat pay? I’ve read a bunch of similar threads, where the op does have a child, including married women and his behaviour is a red flag for the future.

SoManyUnknowns · 15/09/2019 19:14

I'm afraid if you're not married, I'd see it as his inheritance not your (both) inheritance

Original poster
caraofthevelvetbluesea · 15/09/2019 19:14

Thanks for all your thoughts. I think I’ll bring up a conversation about wanting to split bills more fairly. The thought of being debt free makes me feel so light. I hate having it hanging over me. Also a conversation about sharing housework would be good but that’s another story...

OP posts:
Bbang · 15/09/2019 19:14

Never mind the inheritance for now, why an earth are you paying 50% of bills when he earns double what you do? That’s unfair, it should be a fair split of bills leaving you with enough money to have a more fairer and comparable disposable income. I would split the bills two thirds to him one third to you ASAP.

LolaSmiles · 15/09/2019 19:15

I don’t see that it’s weird to receive a sum of money and not immediately need to blow a wedge of it on a ‘treat’. Inherited money often comes with an emotional aspect, and the ‘fun’ element can be difficult to reconcile with that.
Me neither and I would imagine even harder to reconcile if you've got a partner you don't share finances with accusing you of "hoarding" the money because you've chosen not to spend it yet.

user2345 · 15/09/2019 19:15

I think this is going tell you what you need to know with regards to his commitment to your relationship

Bbang · 15/09/2019 19:16

But also I couldn’t imagine inheriting such a big sum and not sharing it or treating my fiancé. Of course he doesn’t have to but personally I feel that mean and miserly, I wouldn’t think twice about treating all my family members.

BarbaraStrozzi · 15/09/2019 19:17

Okay - he earns twice what you do, yet you split bills etc. fifty-fifty.

Fifty-fifty is appropriate to a flat share between friends, not a romantic partnership where you're living together. If you marry, I'd expect it to be far more "from each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs."

Ask yourself what happens once you marry. Will he be the sort of man who sees the kids as "yours" and all the childcare costs as being set against your salary, not the joint household income? Will he continue to pay half while you struggle even more to cover things like kids' clothing, shoes, etc?

The inheritance issue on its own I'd be YABU - he's inherited, he's under no obligation to bail you out, even though the debts come from understandable reasons (college expenses) rather than frivolous ones.

But I suspect you're actually getting hung up on this issue because you can't deal with the real issue, which is that he sees this as a flatshare, and you see it as a step towards marriage. If he carries this attitude through into a marriage, especially if you then have kids, you will end up royally screwed.

DoctorAllcome · 15/09/2019 19:19

Sorry but I disagree with you OP.
You have to learn to live within your means...that means paying off debts and living with your regular income.
Inheritance isn’t to be spent but saved for the future.
If/when I get one, I plan to pass it to my children and if I spend any of it, only interest and never capital.

In addition, you two are not married and have separate finances. You are greedy and selfish to expect to get some of HIS inheritance money the same I would be greedy and selfish if even expected to get an inheritance!

Finally, £80k is not that much. It’s much smarter to put it away and save it than to spend it on stuff you do not need.

LolaSmiles · 15/09/2019 19:22

But also I couldn’t imagine inheriting such a big sum and not sharing it or treating my fiancé. Of course he doesn’t have to but personally I feel that mean and miserly, I wouldn’t think twice about treating all my family members.
Good for you

He has chosen not to spend his inheritance and put it to one side for later when he might want to.

As someone up thread said, what one person would consider tight, another would consider prudent.

It sounds like they aren't financially compatible anyway (one gets a large sun of money and puts it to one side, the other thinks they should have a treat and go to New York).

Echobelly · 15/09/2019 19:22

Interesting one, as I'm the one in our relationship who is coming into a big inheritence. I already have part of it, hopefully rest will be forthcoming by the end of the month.

I have told DH that it should (but I am waiting until it's all in) be enough to pay off the mortgage, which is probably what I'd prioritise, as that'd be a significant burden off us each month, enable us to just about cope on only my salary etc (his career is rather up and down earning wise), and he's OK with that.

I haven't treated him to anything as such, but the money so far has meant being able to 'yes' to things without worrying about the cost too much.

All a bit thrown at the moment as he lost his job recently and given what I've been hearing about the market, he could be out of work for some time so we may just need to keep ourselves afloat.

Wafflecopter · 15/09/2019 19:23

I think if finances are separate then YABU to expect to have a say in how it’s spent, but YANBU to be disappointed that he doesn’t want to spend some of it on a shared experience for you.
Out of curiosity I just asked DH what he’d do, and he listed a big holiday for us all, paying some off the mortgage and then put the rest in savings for our future.