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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

409 replies

caraofthevelvetbluesea · 15/09/2019 17:57

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not so would be good to get views on this. For context, though not sure if this is even really relevant - partner and I have been together for 6 years, have a mortgage together and have spoken about marriage. He is not in any debt at all apart from the mortgage, and I’ve got about £5k in credit card debt. I’d say our spending habits are the same but he earns double me, though we both work full time.

He has recently inherited £80k. I asked him what he would be doing with the money and he is putting all of it into a savings account or into stocks/shares. I absolutely didn’t expect him to just give me a wad of cash to go wild with as I understand it’s HIS money to do whatever with, but AIBU to be annoyed that he doesn’t want to spend any of it at all on any sort of shared experience that we could both enjoy? We don’t have a lot of money left to spend each month, especially me as I’m trying to pay my credit card debts off, and I wish he’d just say (for example), “we’re going to New York!!!”

Or just surprise me with something similar. He could still save 95% of his money as he sees fit. I just feel upset as I struggle each month with credit card repayments and meanwhile he will have huge sums in the bank.

I’ve said nothing as don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be honest, please can you honestly tell me what your expectations would be if this was you?

OP posts:
Thehouseintheforest · 15/09/2019 18:14

He has 'mentioned marriage'... ok so how about she actually MARRIES you

Ginger1982 · 15/09/2019 18:15

@EskewedBeef but why should he pay off her debt?

NoSquirrels · 15/09/2019 18:16

I’d say our spending habits are the same but he earns double me

That'll be why you're in debt then.

This ^^

You’re not married so you keep separate finances. Fair enough.

Whether you’re happy with that and the wealth inequality is another thing.

You’ve ‘spoken about marriage’?
I think you might want to explore if this is serious or if he has no intention of sharing money (not just expenses) 50-50 as husband and wife.

CookPassBabtridge · 15/09/2019 18:17

Can't relate to this at all.. my inheritance is my partners and vice versa. It's a shared pot.. we're a family.

YouJustDoYou · 15/09/2019 18:17

I'd have no expectations at all. YBU.

misspiggy19 · 15/09/2019 18:18

YABU- you are not married and it is his money to do with as he pleases. I would do the same as him and put it in savings.

ElspethFlashman · 15/09/2019 18:19

Sorry, but no way am I sharing my inheritance with someone I don't share finances with.

Bellsofstclements · 15/09/2019 18:21

You're not married so it's his money. Maybe he hasn't made any real decisions yet? I had a sizeable inheritance and didn't know what to do with it for months.

NearlyGranny · 15/09/2019 18:23

Of course you have no right to expect anything, but after six years and with a mortgage I would say it's NU for him to put a chunk towards the mortgage! He will probably find, if he investigates, that the interest racking up on the house debt is more than his investment will accrue, so one will cancel out the other.

I'm not in finance, but I understand paying down a mortgage is always the smartest thing to do with a lump sum.

Did he take advice, I wonder?

Icecreamsoda99 · 15/09/2019 18:26

In your position, I might ask him to loan me the money to pay off my credit card and pay him back each month interest fee. He would be within his rights to say no though.

Original poster
caraofthevelvetbluesea · 15/09/2019 18:27

Does marriage make such a difference? What if a couple had been together for decades but never married? I know it’s his money, that’s what I said. I don’t therefore expect him to give me any but would be nice if he did. And no I’m not in debt because I’m a ‘frivolous’ spender but because the two degrees I did crippled me & the cost of living in this country is high - we pay the mortgage/bills 50/50, once I have paid my share plus bus pass/food shop/loan and credit card repayments, I really don’t have much left at all.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/09/2019 18:28

I would have no expectations at all
You’re not married, it doesn’t sound like you have children, and you clearly have separate finances

This ^^ I agree it would be nice if he treated you both, but the careful avoidance of spending on joint things would make me wonder if he's received advice on the subject, as in "spending as if it's combined could lead to a claim on the assets"

Apologies for the cynicism, but I might even wonder just how committed he is and what his plans for the future involve. After so long together without actually getting married, maybe it's time for a talk about expectations?

Span1elsRock · 15/09/2019 18:29

DH had a very substantial and unexpected inheritance. He was a little shell shocked for a while, and in deep grief so the money just sat in the bank for a while. Then we had a chat and decided together that paying off our mortgage was a sensible choice, we did some improvements around the home that were very overdue, and we treated our DDs to some nice treats/went out for some lovely meals etc. But never at any point did I have a feeling that any of that money was mine, or deserved to be.

AdaColeman · 15/09/2019 18:30

It sounds as though you both have different attitudes to money, he's a saver while you are a spender, it's you who has 5K of debt.

How did you get into debt? Was it spent on things for both of you, furniture or holidays for instance? If it was spent on things to benefit him, then I'd expect him to help pay the debt off with some of his inheritance.

On the other hand, he may feel that you would just fritter away the money, and that's why he is keeping a firm hold on it.

The fact that he hasn't involved you at all, for instance spending a few hundred on a nice piece of jewellery for you, makes me think that he might be a bit mean spirited. Have a look at your own financial contributions and make sure that he isn't taking advantage of you in anyway.

As an aside, have you looked at the free debt charities such as Step Change, or at Money Saving Expert, for help in managing your debt?

Disfordarkchocolate · 15/09/2019 18:31

It's not how we worked, even pre-marriage. I may have a small lump sum soon, we'll each do something nice then the rest will be saved. He'd never not share or plan not plan something fun together.

ControversialFerret · 15/09/2019 18:31

But if you earn different amounts why are you paying 50/50? A fairer way to do it would be to split the bills proportionate to the difference in your earnings.

I don't understand how someone can love and care about you and at the same time be comfortable with seeing you financially struggle at the end of the month?

Teddybear45 · 15/09/2019 18:32

@Puzzledandpissedoff - agreed. Marriage is a commitment and it’s very possible the reason why it hasn’t materialised (and the money hasn’t been shared) is because he just isn’t as committed. A pp is right. Inheritances often come with grief but also tend to bring relationship issues that have so far been ignored to the surface - I know many people who refused to commit suddenly leaving the partners they wanted to leave years ago after an inheritance (even small ones) and marrying new partners within a year of meeting them.

hedgehoglurker · 15/09/2019 18:33

Agree with @ControversialFeret 100%.

Disfordarkchocolate · 15/09/2019 18:34

He's taking the piss on your day to day expenses, why are you paying 50/50. You are investigating the more in this relationship than he is.

Original poster
caraofthevelvetbluesea · 15/09/2019 18:34

@AdaColeman see my previous post, I wouldn’t say I’m a ‘spender’ - his family are very financially comfortable and tend to give him money, he’s also benefitted from living with them rent free in the past, whereas I’m never given money by anyone and have had to cobble together rent money since the age of 18. He also earns double me, that’s how he has managed to avoid debt! Once I have made essential payments each month I have little left over - like many other people in this country it seems!

OP posts:
Ilikewinter · 15/09/2019 18:35

Woah hang on a minute, he earns double what you earn but you split the mortgage and bills 50/50????. .I cant see how that is fair.

Longlongsummer · 15/09/2019 18:35

As you are getting married it’ll be half yours anyway surely?

I think it is up to him. However I would check how you both view money long term. I’m with a real Scrooge and the signs were there, but I didn’t listen!

brighteyeowl17 · 15/09/2019 18:35

My husband wouldn’t even think not to share he would prob pay off some of the mortgage or finish off the house. I don’t understand couples who have separate finances. If you try to keep things to yourself suggests to me your not in it for the long haul.

AdaColeman · 15/09/2019 18:36

Just seen that you pay the bills 50/50, which is fair if you earn similar amounts, but proportional bills would be fairer if there is a big difference between your earnings.

Stickystuck · 15/09/2019 18:37

I think being married makes a huge difference. He’s probably just being careful. After 6 years being together though I would expect a treat such as a holiday or paying off one of your huge bill if you have one.