How long do you stay cross when they've behaved really badly?

[HRTea]

How long do you stay cross and off with your kids if they've been really naughty? My soon to be 9 year old behaved incredibly badly earlier. We were all supposed to head out to meet friends for lunch but when we had to change plans about which restaurant to go to my youngest (DS8) totally kicked off and refused to go. Screaming, getting under the bed etc. No deep reason, just claims not to like the food there (he does). It went on for half an hour at which point my DH and eldest went without us. I was furious with my son and really let rip, told him no iPad for a week - and fully intend to see it through.

Inevitably he's remorseful now but I've been extremely off to him. Not ignoring him completely but he made his own lunch and has been trying to hug me, write me notes, give me his teddy etc. I've told him I'm not interested and whilst I'm answering direct questions I'm not chatting to him, playing a game with him or showing any interest. How long do you generally keep it up? (I have to admit after a while it gets hard). As I say, the no iPad or snack rule is staying for a week regardless - he did did something similar a few weeks ago and clearly hasn't learned a lesson so I need to see this through.

My husband is also furious and will be back soon so it's going to be a fun afternoon

I should add that as the name suggests I'm also peri-menopausal and feeling cross and miserable about the whole thing on a beautiful sunny day when I was really looking forward to the weekend.

I've been extremely off to him. Not ignoring him completely but he made his own lunch and has been trying to hug me, write me notes, give me his teddy etc. I've told him I'm not interested and whilst I'm answering direct questions I'm not chatting to him, playing a game with him or showing any interest

That is really horrible. I wouldn't do any of that, life is too short.

That is a long time, I stay cross for about 5 minutes after the biggest transgressions but I still offer to cuddle them while cross because the security helps them calm down.

Being off for prolonged periods of time is abusive? It sends a mixed message.

You aren't mad with who he is, but what he has done, and you have addressed that with the punishment.

He's showing remorse and trying to say sorry and seek your approval, that's where being cross should end.

The punishment should stay intact, but ffs don’t withhold maternal affection and attention from an 8-year-Old child simply because you’re cross or menopausal or things didn’t go your way.

You’re the adult.

Horrid. It’s ok to be cross and take a few minutes to recover. But what you’re doing is nasty. You issue a consequence and move on.
If an 8 year old is behaving like this then I would be thinking about why he might be doing this.

I think it's OTT.

It seems to me that your DS couldn't cope with his disappointment of having to change plans.

So you are punishing him for something outside his own control.

Make up, and try to have a discussion about how he was feeling. banning ipad for a week is daft and irrelevant for the issue. Find a way for him to earn that and the snacks back.

And carry on working on handling big emotions.

My mum used to do this to me. It really has had an effect on every relationship I have had as an adult and I think the strongest driver of my lack of self worth.

It is emotional abuse. Grow up

I don't. We have a discussion and a consequence if needed but it's straight back to normal.
I was brought up being given the silent treatment etc, it's emotional abuse.

I would never behave like that! You told your son his punishment (no iPad for a week) so I would simply implement this punishment. I would never refuse to speak to him/hug him/be deliberately cold with him etc - that sounds awful and really, really harsh! Ignoring him when he tries to do nice gestures like write you notes and give you his teddy - that’s actually heartbreaking! And you refused to feed him? I think you’ve gone too far. Of all the things you’ve listed, I wouldn’t do any of them, even for a minute! Yes withhold the iPad for a week but don’t emotionally neglect him for any period of time!

Are you seriously asking us how long we emotionally abuse our children for?

When you even recognise your shocking behaviour is driven by YOUR lack of ability to manage the impact of your hormones, and not even his behaviour?

This is disgusting.

When my child misbehaves I talk to them about when they’re calm, and follow through on an appropriate punishment.

Emotional abuse is never an appropriate punishment.

You should apologise to him and get him to talk to you about how he feels.
Then work on yourself.

don't let him have the iPad back, But you should not be 'off with him.

You say something similar happened, was that also a sudden change in plan too?

Sorry OP but also agree this is emotional abuse. My mum used to do this to me as a child. As an adult, we are NC.

Also.. I kind of sympathise with him about the initial incident as well. I can be quite anxious, and one of the triggers for me is last minute changes of plans. So if I had been looking forward to going to place X, and suddenly we were going to place Y with zero discussion, I would struggle with that. Not that his reaction was right, but I can kind of understand the emotions behind it. And actually how you’re feeling now, peed off because you didn’t get the day you wanted, is probably quite similar to how he felt in the first place. Except you had some control and choice in the matter, and he didn’t.
Life’s short OP. Give him a hug.

I should add that I have three kids and as a result, once we've dealt with the behaviour or the action and sorted any punishment, then that's it. I know I sound very harsh, but one of my earliest memories is being about 6 or 7 and trying to get my mum to speak to me. I wrote a little note and she just ignored me.

Could you now sit down and ask him why he got so angry about the change of venue? I would tell him that the punishment still stands, and that you love him, but that kind of behaviour is unacceptable, and if he does it again, he will be punished again.

Stop ignoring him please! It's not healthy for a child to feel that kind of rejection for long. Keep the punishment of no iPad but tell him you still love him but do not like his behaviour at all. I'd cuddle and smile and look him straight I the eye and say you are loved but you are not having that iPad matey! And then get on with a sunny afternoon.

Your DS has behaved badly, you’ve issued a punishment and he’s now said sorry and begging you to be nice to him and you’re refusing to accept his apology - how cruel.

After the initial and anger and punishment I would have kept my distance for everyone to calm down, then once that had happened I would sit him down and ask why he behaved that way and does he understand how that is not acceptable behaviour and reiterate his punishment of no iPad, and then that would be it. Completely back to normal. You can't string it out any longer than that

Personally I try not to emotionally abuse my child

So what you mean is... you're sulking. Because that's what it looks like.

He's obviously trying to build bridges, and as long as he apologises to all of you (and accepts his punishment) I would stop sulking.

You’re being a dick to be honest.

You’ve already punished him by removing his iPad etc.

Now you’re being emotionally manipulative by effectively ignoring him?? What a shitty thing to do.

My eldest DC would have had a similar meltdown - simply because he really doesn’t like change at short notice and it make sure him very very anxious. He finds it hard to display that emotion. After a bit of coaxing and reassurance he’s fine.

What are you trying to teach him by confiscating the ipad for a week? And by giving him the cold shoulder?

He's 8. He has trouble controlling his emotions sometimes, which is fairly normal. You say you're perimenopausal.and it's making you miserable. But you don't seem to have considered that he's feeling out of sorts for some reason.