How long do you stay cross when they've behaved really badly?

[HRTea]

How long do you stay cross and off with your kids if they've been really naughty? My soon to be 9 year old behaved incredibly badly earlier. We were all supposed to head out to meet friends for lunch but when we had to change plans about which restaurant to go to my youngest (DS8) totally kicked off and refused to go. Screaming, getting under the bed etc. No deep reason, just claims not to like the food there (he does). It went on for half an hour at which point my DH and eldest went without us. I was furious with my son and really let rip, told him no iPad for a week - and fully intend to see it through.

Inevitably he's remorseful now but I've been extremely off to him. Not ignoring him completely but he made his own lunch and has been trying to hug me, write me notes, give me his teddy etc. I've told him I'm not interested and whilst I'm answering direct questions I'm not chatting to him, playing a game with him or showing any interest. How long do you generally keep it up? (I have to admit after a while it gets hard). As I say, the no iPad or snack rule is staying for a week regardless - he did did something similar a few weeks ago and clearly hasn't learned a lesson so I need to see this through.

My husband is also furious and will be back soon so it's going to be a fun afternoon

, Mummyoflittledragon. The formatting of my post was a bit off so I hope it was clear that I was disagreeing with the other poster.

I think that showing you are still cross and explaining that you don’t want to cuddle because you are still calming down is fine. Adults get to have emotions too.

Nor would I be making the afternoon fun - he’s ruined your trip out. If you give him lots of attention and playing he will see it as a win.

My tactic is to say when I’ve calmed down and am feeling ready for a hug (if they are calm enough to want one at that point) and to graciously accept their apology. Then I start cleaning or cooking. They can keep me company or help, but I’m not there to entertain them or make it a fun afternoon. I won’t harp back in the incident unless they ask for something like a trip out, when the answer is no, you chose not to, make a different choice next time.

Jesus, that's horrible. Read up on attachment theory and how our interactions with our parents as children influence how we have relationships as adults. I'm shocked you can ignore your own son when he's trying to hug you and give you his teddy - can't you see how desperately he's trying to please you, that little human you made? NOBODY can regulate their emotions all the time - children or adults. And that includes you and your DH if you're ignoring your son and he'll be furious. Great anger management and role modelling right there

I feel sad for your children

Also if he did something similar a few weeks ago you need to work out why he's reacting to a change so dramatically

Has he always been like this?

Is something else going on that is intensifying things?

Does he have issues with change or is it always linked to food?

I would never do this either. The punishment is losing the iPad, it should never be losing your love.

My parents would do this a lot.

If I was naughty, there would be a frosty atmosphere for the rest of the day.

It’s really interesting reading this thread because it’s making me go, oh right yeah it is a big issue.

I think it has really affected me actually.

It’s also one of those things that fucks you up but it’s very subtle. So it’s hard to get a grasp of as an adult.

My DS would react like this to a sudden change of venue.. He needs notice and time to deal with that.

I think a week off the ipad is far too harsh..The day would be enough to prove a point if you actually felt there was a need.

I don't see this as bad behaviour at all..A child who couldn't cope with a situation..That doesm't mean I wouldn't be upset disappointed but simply as the parent have to find a way for it to work for everyone..

You need to talk to him and work out how to do it better next time.

I also would add once my DS is apologetic or trying to make it ok then we need to move forward..My DS is older will make me a coffee.. I accept it even if I don't want one because that is his attempt to make it better.

OP, I wonder if you were treated like this as a child. As a previous poster said, it can be hard to recognise abusive behaviour as such if it was your 'normal'.

I was never one to behave as you have with my own children, but I do/ did get cross and am a bit of a sulker with my DH, I must admit. My DH is the sort who can switch his feelings on and off quickly and accept an apology and his mood will be all jolly straight away. I have to work harder at that as i tend to brood a bit.

If my DDs (now mid to late teens) did something naughty when they were little I would get cross and raise my voice but I always said something like 'mummy loves you even when I'm cross'. I would never have given the cold shoulder but did walk away when cross and always tried to explain why.

When older, if they were especially rude or entitled or whatever (they are teens, after all) I just say to them that the apology is appreciated but I'm still feeling upset/ cross and just need a bit of space to get over it. Is that sulking?

I think that some people do find it takes them a bit longer to calm down if they're cross but it's important to own that and not inflict it on a child.

I suppose what I'm saying is, if you are giving the cold shoulder and feeling calm then absolutely you need to stop and know that it's not ok. But if you're doing it because you're still fuming then there are strategies to use to manage your emotions.

Wolfiefan I've seen tons of 8 yr old throw a tantrum. God the number of people on mnet who seem to think it's impossible for a kid to, on occasion, be just plain naughty because they don't want to do something. Honestly, sometimes I think kids just need to lump it! they might not like it but tough shit their parents are in charge, it's how you learn that if you want things your way, you need to be a grown up, go out and earn your own money to pay for it etc. If you get everything you want as a kid then where's the incentive to grow up, shoulder responsibilities etc.

Climbing under the bed and refusing to go out at 8?
Not normal.

How would you like it if you messed up OP, and someone punished you then sulked at you too endlessly?

My mum - who also had other personal issues in her life I knew nothing of then - would be off with me for hours, sometimes days after I did something naughty. Even after I'd apologised. I would never know how long it'd be.

It was grim and as pp said, has had a significant impact on how I process anger as an adult too - I genuinely don't understand how people can be angry one minute and fine the next. I simply can't do that.

Also god, I hope he's not had an afternoon of you being like this, then gets shouted at by his dad too.

Does your husband treat you like this when you argue? You're not behaving in a very emotionally healthy way here

Punishing a child by withdrawing love and affection is abusive.
Does he often struggle with last minute changes?

Tbh you are behaving worse than your child. Surely once he's been told off and punished twice for a whole week (which is excessive in my opinion) then it's over isn't it? Particularly when the child has apologised. It's emotional abuse to behave as you are towards your child and it comes across as you throwing a strop because you didn't get to go for lunch rather than a desire to address your child's behaviour.
Have you tried to consider and ask why he struggles with sudden changes of plans at all? Surely that's what you need to do and come up with a strategy to enable him to cope.

You need to separate the child from the behaviour.

You're giving consequences for the behaviour, not withdrawing love and affection from the child. One of the most effective parenting strategies is giving the child a chance to 'make right' when they've done something wrong. Helps them feel good about themselves and their abilities and is very good for future behaviour.

My mum did this a lot. Sometimes she wouldn’t even tell me what I’d done but it was something minor and she wouldn’t talk to me for days. I have quite bad anxiety as an adult and if someone is quiet or not talking as much I instantly think I’ve done something wrong. Please don’t do this to your son

I think this was too much and for too long. However, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your DS understanding that his behaviour really affected you. It basically ruined a large part of your Saturday. So I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not accepting his apology the moment he is ready to offer it. Calmly explaining that you’re still feeling upset and that you will talk to him soon is fine. But 10 - 15 mins max of this is enough, you should put it behind you after that.

Be the adult in this situation. Think about the messages you are teaching your son. In these formative years you are laying down his blueprint for how to manage and resolve conflict when he grows up. You REALLY owe him a meaningful apology, and quickly!! I'm astonished by how you've behaved.

Don't think the op @HRTea is coming back... hopefully she's not letting her dh put the boy through more!

WTF?? Your poor kids. You need psychological help for the anger management and someone to work with you to learn what's appropriate. Withholding love is horrific. Please hug your child and accept his apology you're his role model.

Hi OP, some rather harsh posts on this thread. You're only doing your best!

Having said that, I agree that your reaction was OTT in the situation.

If you like reading parenting books, try The Book You Wish Your Parents had Read or How to Talk So Kids Listen and Listen So Kids Talk to get some tips for dealing with this kind of behaviour.

@MyNameIsIrrelevant I really hope she took this thread as a wake up call to change.