How long do you stay cross when they've behaved really badly?

[HRTea]

How long do you stay cross and off with your kids if they've been really naughty? My soon to be 9 year old behaved incredibly badly earlier. We were all supposed to head out to meet friends for lunch but when we had to change plans about which restaurant to go to my youngest (DS8) totally kicked off and refused to go. Screaming, getting under the bed etc. No deep reason, just claims not to like the food there (he does). It went on for half an hour at which point my DH and eldest went without us. I was furious with my son and really let rip, told him no iPad for a week - and fully intend to see it through.

Inevitably he's remorseful now but I've been extremely off to him. Not ignoring him completely but he made his own lunch and has been trying to hug me, write me notes, give me his teddy etc. I've told him I'm not interested and whilst I'm answering direct questions I'm not chatting to him, playing a game with him or showing any interest. How long do you generally keep it up? (I have to admit after a while it gets hard). As I say, the no iPad or snack rule is staying for a week regardless - he did did something similar a few weeks ago and clearly hasn't learned a lesson so I need to see this through.

My husband is also furious and will be back soon so it's going to be a fun afternoon

Toddler tantrums aren’t bad they are vital in us learning how to regulate and control are emotions. Punitive measures in dealing with them mean that lesson isn’t necessarily learnt meaning it goes on
Here the OP sons didn’t deliberately decide (one assumes) to do this emotions got the better of him and he lashed out. Every punishment meted out then caused it to get worse
Then when he calmed himself down and tried to make amends and understand why he did it his mum shut down another negative response again not showing him how to handle emotions
She went into a tantrum as much as he did because that is what adult sulking is a tantrum because she doesn’t know how to regulate it either
And yes it can be perceived as abusive if you look at it in one light

@EarringsandLipstick if you acknowledge the advice to be true then just be humble and accept it. The "abusive" comments haven't been made for the purpose of making you feel uncomfortable but because it's the absolute truth. This stuff is so damaging to adult children. Please get some awareness.

Rejecting a hug, notes and a teddy from a genuinely remorseful 8 year old? And you need to ask how long to carry this on?

I'm another one totally messed up by a sulking mother. I was probably one of the easiest kids you could have, but any transgression was met with silence, rejection and scowling, sometimes for days. I was scared stiff of her, and have never ever trusted her. I'm 63 years old,and that effect of that sort of parenting has never left me.

That first apologetic hug should have been responded to with a reciporocal hug, followed by a short conversation about what happened, asking for a reason, and concluding with why it mustn't happen again. Then life resuming pretty much as normal (though I agreee with maybe not playing games etc)

What ARE you talking about @saltpath 🙄

I should be 'humble' and 'accept' what, exactly?

I'm not OP, in case you are confused. In my opinion, she's not being abusive and I'm entitled to say so.

I said I was interested in the discussion for my own purposes and was taking on board some valid points.

I didn't ask for any judgment of me or my parenting - I'm not the poster so you are not invited to comment on me or tell me to get some awareness.

It's amazing how people can twist genuine posts to suit their ridiculous agenda. 😡

I agree the punishment should stay in place but don't withhold love. That made me really sad to read it. Maybe your son struggles with his emotions. If my children have behaved really badly I might be a bit off with them for a few minutes only. I could never keep it going especially if they were expressing remorse and trying to cuddle me.

I'm slightly 😱 that you're classing this as 'bad behaviour'....you're describing a really strong emotional meltdown in response to change and displayed in a way that is outside of his control. That is not bad behaviour.

Maybe my view is skewed as my 8yo has high functioning autism and would dysregulate just like that under the same circs. I would never EVER punish him / give him the cold shoulder / refuse to make him lunch because I didn't like what I saw. What do you think that achieves? More anxiety and it's more likely to happen again and you're reinforcing that something he can't control about himself is wrong.

If I were you I'd channel my efforts in to getting to the bottom of what his anxiety / emotion / social communication challenges are and then you might understand him better. Poor child.

Earring-I understand that you might not like some of the responses to your posts. However, whilst you are entitled to state that the OP's behaviour is not abusive, other people are equally entitled to strongly criticise that stance. The majority of posters (including myself) are of the opinion that the OP's actions are terrible and almost certainly are damaging a child. The reasons for this have been explained by many posters at length.

Posting an opinion which might lead the OP or others to conclude that her behaviour isn't so bad, is bound to draw criticism. You cannot post something on a public forum and not expect people to take issue, especially if what you have said might have harmful consequences.

God what is wrong with some posters? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Armadillostoes

Everyone here is entitled to their opinions. I don't think OP is being abusive, and said so, others do & they said so. Grand.

Criticising the stance, is grand. A PP deciding to comment on me personally and something I said in relation to my own parenting, is not.

No problem with people taking issue with my views. I do have a problem with gratuitous attacks on me (I'm not the OP!) and telling me I need to be humble! (This wasn't you Armadillostoes, it was the PP who I replied to).

Earring-I sympathise with you not liking ad hominem attacks, and agree. However, if you condone what most people in a discussion regard as abusive behaviour, then I can see why posters would speculate about your own practices. I think because for the majority, the behaviour of the OP isn't borderline, but in the VERY serious category. However, I do take the point that name-calling isn't a helpful response. Neither is it at all fair to assume that you would subject your children to this kind of treatment, given that you have not actually said st any point that you think what the OP did was okay. My understanding was that the discussion (before it descended) was about degrees of bad, rather than acceptable or not.

Goinglive
Completely agree with this post, I have an ex whose mother was the same. As a result he was greatly impacted by this and now seeks everyone's approval, appears strong outwardly but inwardly is very insecure and panicked. It made him more vulnerable in his relations with everyone-romantic/professional as he would seek approval rather than being assertive. Yes he should have consequences but don't ignore or withdraw.

Good God Mabel, that’s horrible.