How long do you stay cross when they've behaved really badly?

[HRTea]

How long do you stay cross and off with your kids if they've been really naughty? My soon to be 9 year old behaved incredibly badly earlier. We were all supposed to head out to meet friends for lunch but when we had to change plans about which restaurant to go to my youngest (DS8) totally kicked off and refused to go. Screaming, getting under the bed etc. No deep reason, just claims not to like the food there (he does). It went on for half an hour at which point my DH and eldest went without us. I was furious with my son and really let rip, told him no iPad for a week - and fully intend to see it through.

Inevitably he's remorseful now but I've been extremely off to him. Not ignoring him completely but he made his own lunch and has been trying to hug me, write me notes, give me his teddy etc. I've told him I'm not interested and whilst I'm answering direct questions I'm not chatting to him, playing a game with him or showing any interest. How long do you generally keep it up? (I have to admit after a while it gets hard). As I say, the no iPad or snack rule is staying for a week regardless - he did did something similar a few weeks ago and clearly hasn't learned a lesson so I need to see this through.

My husband is also furious and will be back soon so it's going to be a fun afternoon

Wtf? You're supposed to be the adult, you are meant to apply appropriate discipline, not punish your child by sulking at them and withholding affection like an abusive partner. It's natural to get annoyed sometimes- we're all human - but your temper shouldn't be used as a deliberate tool to make your child feel it.

Not ignoring him completely but he made his own lunch and has been trying to hug me, write me notes, give me his teddy etc. I've told him I'm not interested

This part is quite harsh.

and whilst I'm answering direct questions I'm not chatting to him, playing a game with him or showing any interest

This seems more reasonable. Staying home because of a tantrum shouldn’t become fun and games time.

He’s misbehaved and been punished (iPad confiscation)
No need to ignore him/withdraw affection. I always tell my dc that I am very cross/disappointed etc but that it has no impact on how I feel about them

Your ignoring him when he's trying to hug you, write you notes etc?
Really?!? I'd never do that! Ever.
Even at my most furious, I'd leave the room for a few minutes to calm down.
I'd NEVER EVER withhold love or comfort as a form of punishment, that is just not ok. AT ALL!

Losing the iPad for a week is punishment enough.

I agree with going. My mum and dad still pull this shit now. They aren't happy with a parenting decision I've made for my dc so it's currently silent treatment and cold shoulder from them.

It's pathetic and your hormones aren't a bloody excuse.

've been extremely off to him. Not ignoring him completely but he made his own lunch and has been trying to hug me, write me notes, give me his teddy etc. I've told him I'm not interested and whilst I'm answering direct questions I'm not chatting to him, playing a game with him or showing any interest

That’s fucking horrible

I really hope this is a reverse and you are questioning the behaviour of someone in an unpleasant Episode of your own childhood.

Also do you care to work out why he didn't want to go?

He's clearly anxious about something? Maybe try and work out what that is and support your child.

It'd last for as long as I was cross, once I wasn't cross any more it'd go back to normal. In practice that's about 10 minutes.

I have to agree with PPs. I would have told him the punishment, explained that I was disappointed/unhappy/angry and why. Talked about where he thought he could have made different choices and then made him lunch.

My mother was a sulker and it made me incredibly anxious. I promised myself I would never do that to my own DC, it is an awful, awful feeling as a child.
I bollock then move on. Even for huge transgressions, sulking is never required.

By dragging this out you're teaching him that being remorseful and sorry won't get him anywhere, so he may well not bother.

No time at all, once I’ve told my charge off and he’s hugged apologetic etc it’s over we move on.

I suppose there is hope for you that you at least say you find it hard to keep the abuse up (though worrying that you’ve abused him this way before to know that ). And hope for you that you’ve asked.

I'm gonna cut you some slack here OP....

It does sound a bit harsh & im not sure it achieves a lot to give him the cold shoulder BUT ...

Does he pull this sort of stunt a lot? Is it likely that the loss of iPad alone isn't going to work in terms of preventing him doing it again? Is there a sense that he didn't want to go, pulled a tantrum and has succeeded in not going, therefore you need to make sure he doesnt get "rewarded" with a lovely afternoon of mummy's undivided attention?

I would just say that at 8/9, within about 30 mins he could be losing track of the direct connection between what he did & you being grumpy, so it will stop having any effect.

Assuming this isn't a reverse or some kind of thought experiment, I have to go with the consensus of "please don't do that, it's emotional abuse".

If the pp is right that this a reverse of some incident in your childhood, have a hug from me. My mother used to use emotional withdrawal/ sulking as a punishment and it never leaves you. I remember one time she withheld affection for most of the next day because I'd "embarrassed" her by "making a scene" (read: crying because her best friend's kids, with whom I was forced to hang out twice a week, were bullying me).

Don’t re ridiculous Its not abuse! For goodness sake.

Taking his iPad was the punishment, no way I would ignore my children or refuse to hug them. That sounds awful.

Ps. To people saying "have you worked out why he didn't want to go" etc

Assuming this is an NT 8 nearly 9 yr old, he needs to just do as he is told by his parents. It wasn't exactly a trauma inducing outing

You don't.

You discipline as appropriate (confiscating the iPad), you explain that their behaviour was not acceptable, but you do your best not to respond in anger and you continue to show that you love them throughout.

To all the people saying their parents did this to them and it was awful... I assume they only needed to do it once then? Or did you just repeatedly misbehave?

The strictest punishments my parents dispensed only ever occurred once or twice & they bloody worked!!

I think PPs may be a bit harsh.

The fact you’re asking the question suggests you’re struggling to keep up the cold-shouldering, and you want things to get back to normal.

Equally, for a nearly 9yo, acting up like this then getting your iPad confiscated for a week could be a hop, skip and a jump from making calculated choices the next time this crops up. That’s not on, the child is an equal member of the family, he can’t dictate what the other 3 members do.

I think it’s okay to show the child at this age that you’re disappointed in his behaviour and also for your ruined afternoon. It’s okay to say “you know what, a hug and a cuddle with your teddy don’t make this automatically okay. You’re old enough to know better than to kick off for half an hour and spoil other people’s enjoyment, you’re not a toddler”.

I don’t think it’s okay to reject him entirely, to not make him his lunch, to ignore his notes etc. From his perspective that’s very harsh. He won’t have many ways of saying sorry at that age and he’s doing what he can.

You are where you are now. Sit down with him and talk to him. Treat him like the more mature child you want him to be. Model the sort of person you want him to be. Talk to him about why his acting up was wrong, and suggest how he might handle abrupt changes in plans in the future. Get to the bottom of why he was so tantrummy.

I don’t think this is emotional abuse. Really pisses me off how quick MN is to bandy the term abuse.

I grew up in a dynamic like this. It completely fucked my mental health and dramatically affected the relationships I had. I could not cope at all with people being angry with me and would go to the most desperate lengths to keep them happy. I've spent years in counselling to try and get past this.

I know you're disappointed. But he's 8. Sitting there ignoring him, refusing to engage and not responding to any attempts that he's trying to make to apologise - like giving you his teddy - is just cruel. You need to apologise and explain that you were disappointed, but that he's said sorry and that's the end of it now. You also need to text your H so that he doesn't kick off with round two when he gets back.

You sound horrible and nasty. Couldn’t imagine my son trying to hug me and then telling him I’m not interested.

I don’t stay mad at my son at all, we talk about what’s happened once he’s calmed down and always hug and move on from it.

You've set the punishment and you intend to carry it through that's enough imo. I wouldn't be ’off’ for any period. I would accept any apology given and just state that you were disappointed with his behaviour and that's why the iPad is been taken away and then hug and start afresh. I thing it's dangerous ground to start withholding affection - he's obviously feeling regret now and trying to make amends. We all behave badly sometimes but a sincere apology should be enough to move forward. Also you say he behaved like this for ’no reason’ but if he's only just back at school after the school holidays, then i’d say that could well be the cause. Every child I know if slightly unsettled and tired these first couple of weeks back and may not be their best selves. I've had it today with my lo which is why he's just gone for a nap.