How long do you stay cross when they've behaved really badly?

[HRTea]

How long do you stay cross and off with your kids if they've been really naughty? My soon to be 9 year old behaved incredibly badly earlier. We were all supposed to head out to meet friends for lunch but when we had to change plans about which restaurant to go to my youngest (DS8) totally kicked off and refused to go. Screaming, getting under the bed etc. No deep reason, just claims not to like the food there (he does). It went on for half an hour at which point my DH and eldest went without us. I was furious with my son and really let rip, told him no iPad for a week - and fully intend to see it through.

Inevitably he's remorseful now but I've been extremely off to him. Not ignoring him completely but he made his own lunch and has been trying to hug me, write me notes, give me his teddy etc. I've told him I'm not interested and whilst I'm answering direct questions I'm not chatting to him, playing a game with him or showing any interest. How long do you generally keep it up? (I have to admit after a while it gets hard). As I say, the no iPad or snack rule is staying for a week regardless - he did did something similar a few weeks ago and clearly hasn't learned a lesson so I need to see this through.

My husband is also furious and will be back soon so it's going to be a fun afternoon

You set the punishment and see it through, although I wouldn't have chosen a week long sanction personally.

You NEVER withold affection if they ask. You'll turn him into a nervous wreck go give him a bloody cuddle and stop making him beg. I hope your husbsnd isn't going to be a cock when he gets back either. Some kids can't handle a sudden change in plans.

OP-Your own behaving is shocking and really damaging. Don't teach your child that your affection is dependent on being good or that holding grudges and being sulky is acceptable for adults. You have (rightly) imposed a consequence for his bad behaviour, stick with that. But for Heaven's sake don't behave in such a nasty, passive aggressive way. I remember adults doing this is my own childhood. It caused me a lot of distress and I lost all respect for them as I got older.

You need to forget this he's a young child. Give him a hug, you don't want to teach him huffing and withholding affection. It's not healthy.

You've given the punishment. The no iPad is the punishment. What you're doing is absolutely horrible and no child should be punished through emotional abuse. The poor kid is waiting for his dad to come back and punish him all over again and you're ignoring him in the meantime. Absolutely horrible.
Parenting is about being able to repair after rupture. I don't know why he had a meltdown earlier (maybe you could have used this time to try to find out why??) but emotionally abusing him like this won't help you repair the rupture. He's trying yet you are shutting him down. Nasty.

My mum still treats me like this & I'm 53, when my dad was alive she used to make him answer the phone if she had the face on with me, now she just gives one word answers & gets off the phone as quickly as possible. I get this treatment for offences like being in bed asleep when she thinks I should be up & about, I suffer from ME/CFS & spend a lot of time in bed due to crippling exhaustion. Her not talking can go on for periods of up to a week, I feel like I am being treated like a 5 year old.

My mum used to do this, I grew up getting the cold shoulder and the silent treatment and she carried it on when I became an adult.

I haven't spoken to her in nearly six years and she has never met my children.

Extreme? Yes. But this behaviour can be part of a pattern which is extremely harmful to a child.

Sorry op but I think that's disgusting. Removing ipad?? Yes! But not making him any lunch, withholding snacks and ignoring his hugs andnotes and not speaking to him?? That is abuse.

Do I sulk like a child when my child misbehaves? No. If I am upset at their behaviour I tell him and dish up the appropriate consequences.

Your ds's behaviour and way of dealing with something he wasn't happy about sounds extreme, he needs help dealing with his reactions and anger not a sulking parent.

I disagree with a lot of posters here. If I'm upset with my kids about something that they have done, I don't hide it just because they have said they're sorry after 5 minutes. It's natural to be cross with a child occasionally and they need to be able to see that their behaviour has made someone upset in order to understand the situation.

I certainly wouldn't be playing games with him or rewarding him with one to one attention, because then he's more likely to do it again.

OP I think perhaps instead of being off with him, it would be better to be blunt/honest and tell him how you're feeling. Kids don't always understand subtle. "I understand that you are sorry, but I am upset at missing the outing and I don't want to play. You didn't want to go out with the others, so now you will have to play alone."

"Emotional abuse" my ass. Not everyone calms down in 5 minutes and sorry doesn't fix everything.

I would be fuming if I had to stay behind because of his tantrum so I think going back to normal immediately would be weird, I just wouldn't be able to! So to answer your question, an hour! But good for staying behind and good for following through with the ipad ban.

My mother did this to me as a child and as an adult. I haven’t spoken to her for nearly three years and she hasn’t seen my children for two years.

You still love him, you just didn’t like that behaviour. Give him a hug. Love is unconditional.

It's perfectly fine to tell a child 'I'm still cross with you and I need some time to calm down. Wait in your bedroom and I'll come and find you when I'm ready to talk about it'. That's NOT what the OP is describing.

As I say, the no iPad or snack rule is staying for a week regardless - he did did something similar a few weeks ago and clearly hasn't learned a lesson so I need to see this through.

So maybe there is something going on with him then? I hate punishments for kids, why get into this kind of battle?

Not everyone calms down in 5 minutes and sorry doesn't fix everything.

You'd think a grown up would have a little more emotional regulation and maturity than an 8 year old. Clearly not.

You don't have to 'go back to normal' but you can say, "thanks for the note and the teddy and the apology, I am still disappointed though." Like an adult. Rather than sulking like a child.

You are being emotionally abusive and damaging your child. No doubt his earlier anxiety has been borne out of this dynamic in your household. Awful. You need to learn to behave like an adult. Your children are learning behaviour from you and you will be negatively impacting on their ability to retain positive, healthy relationships in their adult life.

If you actually care about being a healthy parent then you should read 'the book you wish your parents read' by Phillips Perry and prepare to do some serious introspective work.

I used to use the ten minute rule-it took that to cool off
I’d ban tablets/phones/tv for the day but the rule was tomorrow is a fresh day-fresh start
I know someone who’s kid is very well behaved but was brought home by the police for causing minor damage to a wall (fair enough he shouldn’t have caused any damage) and his mum blew up-he’s now grounded for 3 months-no tablet no phone no tv no going out apart from school early bedtime etc
She’s been going round telling people while shoving the lad forward to take more abuse from the adults she’s telling
Now that’s taking the piss on the poor kid

I would be fuming if my son had ruined a lunch for us all and I'd still be angry a while later. If you quickly be nice and give him hugs and attention then surely hes going to do it again and again (you said he did it a few weeks ago) because he gets a bit of a telling off then gets an afternoon of individual attention at home with his mum.

For those talking about the emotional abuse their parents inflicted that sounds totally different. This kid did something very wrong, that he has already done a few weeks before, and is being punished. It wasn't a case of writing an address on an envelope incorrectly.

You don't have to 'go back to normal' but you can say, "thanks for the note and the teddy and the apology, I am still disappointed though." Like an adult.

Totally agree with this. I would melt the instance my child showed any remorse

My mum did silent treatments all the time, it was like i was an inconvenience that didnt fit into her schedule or way of things and i didnt even know what i did wrong. We barely have contact and she never sees my DCs now.

I must say im glad i saw some others with similar experiences. It didnt register with me as emotional abuse but maybe it is

This is so sad. You sound horrible I really feel for your DC. It's not his fault that you're menopausal and angry. How about you get some help for your moods and take it from there? I can't believe that he's trying to say sorry and you're continuing to push him away.

I recommend you read this book as it will be very insightful for you: www.amazon.co.uk/Book-Wish-Your-Parents-Children/dp/0241250994/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2XROGUHO44WD7&keywords=the+book+you+wish+your+parents+had+read&sprefix=the+book+%2Caps%2C139&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1568474438&sr=8-1

In fact, I recommend that a lot of the parents on this thread read that book. You're not understanding your DC at all.

Why is taking an IPAD away, a form of punishment.. Oh I forgot, it's the modern and usual thing to do !! I would have more or less forced the badly behaved child,to leave the house,and go with you to the restaurant. He would have calmed down soon enough.

Many children can get stroppy,but I think you have to deal with these things immediately, they need to see ,that it is you who makes decisions. Then you should go back to normal again,when the child has hopefully seen reason.

I can't imagine behaving like this to another adult, never mind to a child.

With a child, I'd certainly see a punishment through and make sure there are consequences. But withdrawing and being off with them? That's horrible, so confusing for them. And even worse if it is being done deliberately and consciously as part of a punishment

Inevitably he's remorseful now but I've been extremely off to him. Not ignoring him completely but he made his own lunch and has been trying to hug me, write me notes, give me his teddy etc. I've told him I'm not interested and whilst I'm answering direct questions I'm not chatting to him, playing a game with him or showing any interest.

This is awful. You've already given him the punishment (ipad etc), you don't carry it on, that's fucking dreadful.

So rather that understand why he reacted as he did you did a series of increasingly punitive punishments before emotionally detaching yourself and he still has a furious Dad
No wonder he has no emotional control if this is the environment he is growing up in
You are massively overreacting but probably always have which is why at 8 he has not being taught how to regulate his emotions
Have you always treated tantrums like this because if you have that is why it’s like this now