How long do you stay cross when they've behaved really badly?

[HRTea]

How long do you stay cross and off with your kids if they've been really naughty? My soon to be 9 year old behaved incredibly badly earlier. We were all supposed to head out to meet friends for lunch but when we had to change plans about which restaurant to go to my youngest (DS8) totally kicked off and refused to go. Screaming, getting under the bed etc. No deep reason, just claims not to like the food there (he does). It went on for half an hour at which point my DH and eldest went without us. I was furious with my son and really let rip, told him no iPad for a week - and fully intend to see it through.

Inevitably he's remorseful now but I've been extremely off to him. Not ignoring him completely but he made his own lunch and has been trying to hug me, write me notes, give me his teddy etc. I've told him I'm not interested and whilst I'm answering direct questions I'm not chatting to him, playing a game with him or showing any interest. How long do you generally keep it up? (I have to admit after a while it gets hard). As I say, the no iPad or snack rule is staying for a week regardless - he did did something similar a few weeks ago and clearly hasn't learned a lesson so I need to see this through.

My husband is also furious and will be back soon so it's going to be a fun afternoon

Oh yes cattle street I was. Don't know what the fuck you are going on about though. You just sound a right pratt.
Don't presume to know what I thought or think.
My kids are older well rounded happy and intelligent with strong minds of there own.

I can understand the "having minds of their own" thing... they've obviously taken after you, since you're swearing at random strangers on the Internet.

Wintersbeenblocked, really the use of the word Fuck and Pratt, do you write that about every poster that uses the C word on other threads. My language is mild compared to some on here.
What's wrong with polite, motivated, well rounded children like mine with minds of their own?
I never made excuses for my children's bad behaviour,when it occured it was dealt with they were punished and we moved on.
My children took after me and their Father and yes I am proud they have minds if their own.

I wouldn't ignore my ds like that,if he cuddled me hed get one back,I'd tell him i love him but the punishment still stands.Cruel af to not respond to affection imo

I think at this age you should just give the punishment and that's it. You sound like you're not even angry anymore, but carrying on appearing to be to show him how angry he made you. He's too little for this. If you're genuinely angry for a period of time, then explain that you're angry and need some space but you still love him, you just need a bit of time to calm down. However, I would imagine this would only really apply to older kids, as a younger child doesn't really do anything serious enough to warrant hurt/anger you can't move on from fairly quickly. I don't think you're the abusive person some people have made out on here, just a misguided in your approach. Give him a cuddle, chat about what happened and move on.

After my dh died I realized life is too short. Get over it. Me? 2, minutes max when kids play the fool

Jeschara I totally agree. Sorry isnt enough. My kids very quickly learned to say sorry but they are still learning that they need to focus on improving behaviour not just saying sorry after.

My parents ignored each other, ignored us, after arguments...it was horrible.
I remember in a class in school one day when I was about 15, an English teacher telling a story about people ignoring each other and was emphatic about how life shouldn’t be like that. All of my friends turned and looked at me, because they knew that was how my parents were to me.
I felt so embarrassed.

He’s already been punished. You don’t need to withdraw affection from him. He needs to know you still love him. Whenever my children misbehave, I punish them, but I also make sure that they know I still love them. He must be feeling so down at the moment, and with you “batting back” all of the olive branches he seems to be holding out (giving you teddy’s etc) he must be feeling pretty shit! I know he’s misbehaved, but that has been dealt with. Surely you can’t continue to act like you don’t love him?

Some people here seem confused. Giving a child a hug does NOT mean no punishment. The child will still lose his Ipad for a week, which is a reasonable consequence. But imposing a consequence is enough. Withdrawing affection on top of that is damaging. A hug doesn't mean the child has been let off, just that love is unconditional and that a mistake doesn't mean a bad atmosphere in the house.

It’s not even just a case of not hugging the child though

he made his own lunch and has been trying to hug me, write me notes, give me his teddy etc

The child has made repeated attempts after his apology and has been told his mother isn’t interested.

That combined with using food as a punishment (no snacks for a week, plus potentially not making him lunch) take it too far.

Especially when there’s no clear effort o find out why the child has reacted like this twice in a short space of time.

Hugging your child, telling them you love them, but that “no we’re not playing a game” or “Mummy is still cross about lunch so please play by yourself for a while” isn’t the same as letting them away with things. It’s teaching them that the love is always there, but that there are consequences. He’s a child. Sulking and ignoring him in response to a tantrum teaches nothing.

Saw this earlier and it made me think of this thread. Interesting how we expect children to be perfectly behaved when we aren't as adults.

This reminds me of my childhood and it's taken me a long time with counselling to work through the issues caused by this type of parenting. I now have a terrible relationship with my mum and my biggest fear is that I will be like her as a parent which is really sad.

Hi OP,
To make sense to you and your child it's best if bad behaviour is met with a natural consequence in my opinion.

When my son was racing around a fast good restaurant with his friend and wouldn't stop (age about seven) when we left I told him firmly how I was really cross about his behaviour. That making a mistake was fine but he must listen - (stop running if asked to.) and other people in the restaurant that were sitting nicely and eating would think he was a very naughty boy for running around and not listening to his mum. He was warned strongly that if he couldn't behave in restaurants (KFC) then he wouldn't be taken and wouldn't meet his friend for treats. Time to reflect on the journey home and then we moved on. Before next outing to restaurant reminded that running around/not listening would not be tolerated and we would be going straight home if it happened. My son took this on board and was asking me "am I being good mummy?" - sometimes children might have to actually experience that consequence of being taken home of course. p.s. I'm not referring to children with special needs who don't understand or haven't got the self control or those too young to understand.

There is probably a place for banning an iPad but there is a danger that after a weeks ban or kids that are regularly banned that they are not always sure what for and it might not be that effective at changing their behaviour.

In your child's case I think he was probably having a genuine difficulty coping with his emotions around disappointment and changes of plan and it is your job to help him manage this. I'm not saying it's easy or that my suggestions would work but you could have asked him to explain how he is feeling. You could have tried to explain why plans had to change and promised when it was you could go. If possible (car etc) you could have said daddy and sibling go now and we can go when you are calm or as happened in your case "because you are not calm we can't go to the meal out and we have missed our treat." I think that is a consequence in itself really.

Don't with hold your affections just be honest and say mummy was upset and cross because we had to miss our treat. I hope next time we are going out you will be good so that we can go? Then have a hug and get on with your normal day.

Not long. The punishment is issued and that is the end of the matter. No point giving your child the impression you hold a grudge as that is what they will do. Life is far too short and quite frankly, it's mean to your child. I would hate for my child to think I had fallen out with them or didn't like/love them anymore because they did something wrong.

Amiapropermum that is very true especially for DS (i dont have the same issue with DD)
How do i help a child regulate / calm down? I think thats the hard and key part

Im not sure i get how people think forcing a child to go out against his will (how anyway? by getting physical?!) or witholding hugs/affection after remorse is a decent human response at all

I always tell mine: every day's a new day, but we can make it shorter than a day if you like.

It's really not nice to hold a grudge against a child.

Gosh I'm a bit shocked by the strength of feeling against the OP.

This was a pretty major piece of bad behaviour - the child misbehaved so badly over a period of time, that she had to forgo her plans to meet friends and only half the family got to go!

Of course I don't agree that intentionally being cruel to a child is right. But really, is the OP wrong to show her DS that she's unhappy and disappointed in him, and regardless of the consequence given to him, that she's not able to be warm and friendly right now?

I admit I'm curious about this too as I do sometimes find my own children's behaviour challenging & the casual 'sorry' and going on as before can be really hard to do (even if they have been given a consequence), particularly if the behaviour is repeated and recurrent (as OP mentioned it was here too) and you've done the chats / explaining / empathising etc..what do you do? 🤷🏻‍♀️

But really, is the OP wrong to show her DS that she's unhappy and disappointed in him, and regardless of the consequence given to him, that she's not able to be warm and friendly right now?

I'm going to rewrite that so you can see what some people are saying...

The OP can show her DS that she's unhappy and disappointed with his unacceptable behaviour, and regardless of the consequence given to him, that she's able to be warm and friendly right now?

Because if she'd given the hug, she might have found out WTF was actually going on and also built a relationship of trust more likely to illicit good behaviour in the future. And been able to tell him how sad she was using her words (as we constantly tell kids to do) rather than sulking.

Earrings and lipstick the point is that her mismanagement of his behaviour presumably over a long period of time has meant that she missed the lunch. He didn’t misbehave he freaked out and that is something that needs looking at not withdrawing from

So what do you do - this all looks to be an issue handling emotions so getting help with that

Earrings-the response to the OP isn't about feeling, it is because what she is doing is really damaging for all of the reasons which posters above have set out. There is no point sugar-coating that, it wouldn't help anyone.

I hear what you are saying & I don't disagree, really. Of course it makes sense.

I think I'm just trying to figure this out a bit and I do think it's a reasonably 'natural' consequence when you have really badly behaved to expect someone will be disappointed in you & not prepared to be very warm towards you?

Also her DS is nearly 9, it's not a toddler out of control with a tantrum?

Actually this from Cattle does make a lot of sense

I agree with that, but there's saying 'ds, I'm pretty cross with you at the moment, I think we need some time apart to calm down. Go to your room and read or play for a bit. We'll talk later' and there's rejecting apologies with an 'I'm not interested', refusing to make him lunch (!), refusing repeated attempts at physical contact.

Yes he’s nearly 9, but actually he’s still very much a child who hasn’t even gone through puberty yet.

You can display your anger or disappointment without also punishing further by ignoring/giving the cold shoulder.

That’s confusing to a child.

Eg you can say “I feel angry/upset because of x”, and move on. The child knows the reaction.

But the cold shouldering business adds another dimension - that’s a reaction to destabilise the other person.

To be honest I think you are behaving like a child. You are withdrawing love when he is trying to reach out to you and that is never right. You can disaprove of the behaviour but he needs to know you will always love him. By refusing to hug him and not accept his teddy when he is trying to apologise to you will make him feel he is a terrible person who can not be forgiven.
Why didn't he want to go. You will be better trying to talk to him to find out what is the matter

That's a good point @Iggly thanks.

I think this is something I need to reflect on myself, tbh.

I think you've probably gone OP but I think (like me) you're struggling to find the balance and some of these posts have been harsh (looking at you Marshmallow with your 'emotionally abusive mother' comment 🙄). But there's also good advice there and hoping it helps. And that things have improved. 💐