How long do you stay cross when they've behaved really badly?

[HRTea]

How long do you stay cross and off with your kids if they've been really naughty? My soon to be 9 year old behaved incredibly badly earlier. We were all supposed to head out to meet friends for lunch but when we had to change plans about which restaurant to go to my youngest (DS8) totally kicked off and refused to go. Screaming, getting under the bed etc. No deep reason, just claims not to like the food there (he does). It went on for half an hour at which point my DH and eldest went without us. I was furious with my son and really let rip, told him no iPad for a week - and fully intend to see it through.

Inevitably he's remorseful now but I've been extremely off to him. Not ignoring him completely but he made his own lunch and has been trying to hug me, write me notes, give me his teddy etc. I've told him I'm not interested and whilst I'm answering direct questions I'm not chatting to him, playing a game with him or showing any interest. How long do you generally keep it up? (I have to admit after a while it gets hard). As I say, the no iPad or snack rule is staying for a week regardless - he did did something similar a few weeks ago and clearly hasn't learned a lesson so I need to see this through.

My husband is also furious and will be back soon so it's going to be a fun afternoon

Yeah that's not my approach because i find it unecessarily cruel. I'm the adult so no need for me to behave like a moody teenager. Bad behaviour gets an immediate reprimand and an appropriate punishment. As soon as i've had an apology we get on with our day. Punishment always stands though with a reminder as to why it's in place if needed.

My mom used to go quiet on me like this when I had been bad and punished. It was took years to get it through my head that just because someone wasn't quiet they weren't mad at me. Your son is trying to show you you he is sorry. Stop treating him like this. Its horrible.

NoIDont But an extreme reaction to a change of plans should be looked at.

By age 8 most kids would whinge a bit, then suck it up.

Screaming, hiding under the bed, etc indicates to me that either the DS is having problems emotionally dealing with change / disappointment, or there was a reason why the new choice freaked him out (which could be anything eg the toilets freak him out, there was a waiter who reminded him of scary Uncle Fred or whatever).

This is the saddest thing I have read in a while.

Have you expressed any concern for your child and their behaviour? Could it be that the new academic year and finishing the holidays is making them anxious?

This could be a cry for help!

Why would you consciously be so mean?

Give them a chance to redeem themselves and praise them, cuddle them and tell them you love them.

To all the people saying their parents did this to them and it was awful... I assume they only needed to do it once then? Or did you just repeatedly misbehave?

No, I just wasn't good enough, apparently. I don't understand why you would think this is a good way to behave? You don't teach a child not to be violent by smacking them - so why would you teach a child about emotional intelligence and behaviour by withdrawing from them? All it does it creates a fear factor. I think it's bloody sad if the only reason a child behaves well, is because it's a conditioned response from being frightened of losing their parent's attention and affection.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland I was on the receiving end of this from my father. A lot. I don’t think you’d find a better behaved child to be honest. I was a bookworm, and pretty scared of doing anything wrong (because of this treatment). It still happened though.

I was ignored for several days once because I’d left an envelope out to be posted, and in his opinion I had incorrectly placed the address.

So yeah, he only had to punish me this way once for me to “learn” not to behave in that way.

Didn’t give me any insight into the next thing that would result in the silent treatment.

You have punished him for his bad behaviour. Now you are just being emotionally abusive.

If you done something to upset your husband apologised, wrote him a sorry letter, made him a cuppa and whatever else, and he was with-holding affection from you for a prolonged period, people on here would be calling him an emotionally abusive twat.

You have punished the behaviour by imposing an iPad ban - fine. But sulking all afternoon and ignoring his plea for positive attention is a bit mean imo.
Also, kids have tantrums- it’s not terrible behaviour, he just couldn’t appropriately articulate his annoyance at not getting his choice of restaurant.

I think not playing a game with him is fair enough as he ruined your afternoon and can amuse himself while you do things you need to. But the rest is horrible, give him affection and make him lunch. Text your husband about ipad and snacks so he doesn't come in all blazes too.

Is this real?

You sound like such an arsehole

He will grow up to resent and hate you for this behaviour. Change things now whilst you still have a chance.

This was my mother’s standard reaction to me when I misbehaved. It never occurred to me that it was abusive until seeing all these posts. I have a boatload of issues including anxiety and depression that started in childhood.

"To all the people saying their parents did this to them and it was awful... I assume they only needed to do it once then? Or did you just repeatedly misbehave?"

I can safely say I never intentionally misbehaved as a child. If your parent withdraws affection for a random period of time to punish you, you become bloody good at not misbehaving. But a lot of things counted as misbehaviour in my mother's book though: crying if other kids were bullying me, not being "tough" enough, being distressed at nighttime (I was diagnosed with anxiety and OCD as an adult), asking naive, well-intentioned questions that bruised her ego.

From a behaviour management pov , my approach is to address the misbehaviour, communicate the consequence and once it has been dealt, you 'welcome them back to the fold'. That part is super important, so letting go of the anger once the consequence has been dealt because that way you are addressing the behaviour and not the person. That's my philosophy and what I've been working with as a teacher and now a parent. I think @simplyonpurpose on Instagram is amazing, and really helped me.

With regards to the iPad... I wouldn’t even have reached the dishing out punishment stage until everyone was calm and I’d said “that was a big reaction from you, for a small change...” and let him speak.

Which is not to say I wouldn’t have gone on to punish. But him ending up under the bed sounds like a reaction to you losing your shit.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but sometimes shouting “get in the car NOW” just isn’t as effective as calmly saying “hey - what’s this about?”.

My dd knows whatever she has said and done she can always come to me for a hug. After the childhood I had, I don’t believe in withholding maternal love. You are going about this all the wrong way.

My dd is 11. She was really unreasonable yesterday. Her friends were here and they were telling her she was out of order and should apologise. I told them it was ok we would talk about it once they’d gone. This is the second time she’s acted like this. Later I told dd if she could not behave appropriately to me in front of her friends, the next time she would not be seeing her friends after school for a week and have no friends home for a fortnight. I was really cross and went to bed to watch tv. She tidied the kitchen (it took her ages but she did it really well) and then came up. She’s never done that before. Effectively I didn’t punish her at all. But she learnt a lot.

Your ds knew he’d been unreasonable, was trying to settle down and needed your help to do it. Your punishment is ineffective and is not teaching him anything beyond he’s stupid, you don’t love him and reject him when he’s bad.

I have worked out shouting and cold shoulder doesn’t work albeit I do still shout as I am only human. I think you need a new rule book.

To all the people saying their parents did this to them and it was awful... I assume they only needed to do it once then? Or did you just repeatedly misbehave?

It wouldn’t even be for what others would class as misbehaving, but for having my own opinion (eg wanting to choose my child’s name myself).

How long do you generally keep it up?

We don't. I can't imagine not accepting my child's apology or allowing him to hug me. Children need discipline, but this behavior is just cruel.

Ellisandra but that's slightly different.

Why are people assuming he's having an "extreme reaction" and thus it should be questioned why? Um sometimes kids are naughty and know exactly what to do to get their own way?! I once had a whopper meltdown at a similar age in not dissimilar circumstances. I was annoyed and wanted to get my own way. It was not a suitable way to behave, I was punished, and didnt so it again.

This isn't a tiny toddler or a child with SEN. It's a nearly 9 year old being naughty.

I do think OP has gone OTT in terms of not making lunch etc but I think it's fine to show a junior school age child that bad behaviour will result in mum being upset with you & you getting no attention as result .

@Rubbishtimeofnighttobeup

No way was I bad. I tried very hard to be very very good. I also had my brother emotionally and physically abusing me. I spent a lot of time with my nose in books, effectively escaping my home life. I didn’t have many books either so these were read and re read.

I've had moment like this and if I'm very cross I tell them off, tell them the punishment like me taking a toy away then I go into my room for a bit of space. Within minutes there is always a hug being sought or a kind note written from them to me and then I can't help but cuddle them and we make up. You should never carry on like this it really is mean. He will know he has done wrong.

Ps an apology can be meaningless, children often just recite sorry to make a bad situation go away.

The real test is whether the poor behaviour is repeated. At the end of the day here the child needs to learn to behave/do as they are told, and that tantrums achieve nothing.

I would accept a sincere apology then ask then as you are doing with the no playing but I would hug if he needed one.

My reasoning was I didn't want a child who couldn't tell me things,admit to doing wrong as it would result in your withdrawal.I used to do chores so that it wasn't fun.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland this is a very extreme behaviour. No way would my 8 year old have reacted like that. So I would want to think about why it might be.
Maybe a previous bad experience.
Maybe a sensitivity to noise etc
Maybe the people you’re meeting
Could be lots of things and worth thinking about why it could be.

Sulking as punishment for a tantrum isn't likely to be effective

As I say, the no iPad or snack rule is staying for a week

No iPad for a week is fine. Not allowing the afternon to turn into a fun afternoon of Mum's sole attention is also fine.

Ignoring his apologies - not fine

And the 'no snacks' is concerning - food should never be used as a punishment