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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What Would You Do

199 replies

sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 10:23

Sorry in advance for longish post but don't want to dripfeed. This is really a WWYD as I would welcome advice. This is rather a first world problem I know but it is affecting my relationship with my DD and OH.

For the at 10 years since my divorce I have been in a relationship with a French guy whose home is in Paris. I spend most of my time there and DD2 (34 years old) whose job is in London lives in the 2 bed flat I own there. She pays rent, buys all her own food, does her laundry etc. So far so good.

My OH comes over to London a few times a year usually for a week but longer in the summer hols and Xmas. He and DD rub along well enough but DD is so used to living alone that she finds it difficult when he stays.

We have a separate bathroom but the only shower is in the ensuite in my bedroom. DD insists on a shower every morning before work (around 7.30 - 8.00) when we are still asleep. She doesn't disturb us but she is now asking me to 'make sure OH is up/dressed in the mornings' so she can have her shower!

WWYD/answer?

OP posts:
Hilda40 · 09/09/2019 10:28

just install a shower in the separate bathroom.

NeatFreakMama · 09/09/2019 10:30

If she's paying rent is that not on the whole place? How does it happen you and OH stay in her house?

zxcvhjkl · 09/09/2019 10:33

She probably doesn't want the potential to see him in all his "glory", or overstep the lines of decency. I can see where she is coming from.

From the arrangement you have (you owning it, she renting from you) I would say you should have equal say about how your morning routines work.

Is it unreasonable for your DP to be awake at that time, does it fit in with your schedule?

Could you possibly swap bedrooms so she has the ensuite, especially as she lives there more often than you?

Could your DP find he departs the bedroom and ensuite to have a coffee or breakfast whilst she showers?

Could a shower be put into the other bathroom, perhaps an over the bath shower or similar?

There are lots of ways round it, talk to her and involve her. She isn't BU. However you are BU posting a WWYD in AIBU Wink

katmarie · 09/09/2019 10:33

I agree with pp, the simplest solution is a shower in the main bathroom. Dd is not being unreasonable wanting to get ready for work in her home, without having to encounter your partner in a state of undress. The other option would be to switch rooms, and she sleeps in the room with the ensuite and shower, and you both have the other room, that way she wont need to come in your room while you're still in bed. Would that be an option?

chamenanged · 09/09/2019 10:34

On the face of it you're out of order. If she pays rent to live there and you live in France it's her flat! And most people do 'insist' on a shower at that time in the morning.

Pootles34 · 09/09/2019 10:36

Eh? The owner and renter do not have equal say in how a morning routine runs - she rents it, it's her home!

If she's there most of the time, could she not have the room with the en suite?

Or indeed as above, put shower in main bathroom? I think you should do that anyway tbh, bit odd not to.

RelapsedChocoholic · 09/09/2019 10:38

Could you swap bedrooms, as you’re mostly based in Paris?

Then you can use the en-suite shower when DD is at work (as you don’t get up until she’s left anyway)

Or, as pp suggested, is it possible to install a shower in the master bathroom?

bloodywhitecat · 09/09/2019 10:38

It's her home and she is not unreasonable in wanting to shower before work, I would install a shower in the main bathroom too.

Idontwanttotalk · 09/09/2019 10:44

Installing another shower in the other bathroom, even if just over the bath, is the best way to avoid problems going forward.

Alternatively as you spend most of your time in France, let DD have your room with the ensuite shower in the UK and you stay in what is currently her room when you come to UK.

EskewedBeef · 09/09/2019 10:45

Is there a reason your daughter doesn't have the bedroom with the en suite shower?

HeronLanyon · 09/09/2019 10:47

Swap bedrooms even if only for when you occasionally stay.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/09/2019 10:49

If she is renting the apartment why does she not have the ensuite room? Or is she just renting the bedroom and a way lower rate or something? Either give her the ensuite room or get a shower installed in the other bathroom, simples

Lunafortheloveogod · 09/09/2019 10:54

Swap rooms?
Put a shower over the master bath? Even if it’s like a mixer tap shower it’ll do for odd showers.
You’re more the guests, she pays rent, lives there 365 and you pop over for visits.

I wouldn’t like to see my mums partner possibly bare arsed first thing in the morning either.

HulksPurplePanties · 09/09/2019 10:55

Echoing others, you need to give her the ensuite room. Seems the most logical thing to do.

CreatedBySombra · 09/09/2019 10:55

Honestly I think you're being unfair.

Whilst I'm sure you're charging less than market rent to your daughter you're making it abundantly clear it's not her home to relax in properly.

The fair options would be...

  1. Install a shower in the other bathroom
  2. Let your daughter have the ensuite room as principal occupant of the flat
  3. Make your boyfriend get up and be out of the room so your daughter can have privacy whilst she showers
chickenyhead · 09/09/2019 10:56

Yep, swapping is the best way

Clangus00 · 09/09/2019 10:58

You and your partner sleep in the "spare" bedroom and leave DD in "her" room. I assume she has that bedroom when she lives there and you don't.
You're lucky she lets you both stay with her when you're over instead of telling you to book a hotel. She has a right to do that btw.

BlueMoonRising · 09/09/2019 10:58

I agree, swapping rooms makes the most sense given that she is there full time.

NearlyGranny · 09/09/2019 10:59

Surely it's OK if he's under the covers when she comes through. Why does he have to be up and dressed?

Now, as for it being her home and her say, I think that depends a bit on whether she's paying market rent and put down the full deposit and so forth. In that case, OP is a guest and does as she's told. However, in Op's situation, I'd probably charge one of my own DC substantially less than market rent and waive the deposit and so forth on the understanding that I'd be around sometimes. In that case, DD IB (a bit) U.

As others have suggested, why not promote DD to the master as she's there much more than you are?

Or why not charge her market rent for a one bedroom flat and use the smaller bedroom when you come, unless it's a single, of course!

Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 11:01

NeatFreakMama Sorry not to have made this clear it is MY flat, I've paid the mortgage on it and still pay majority of bills. She pays a very low rent.

zxcvhjkl No it doesn't fit in with our routine - sadly OH suffers from insomnia and often doesn't fall asleep before 5 or 6 am. I think I have to remind DD of this. I couldn't find WWYD to enter this otherwise I would have done which is why I put it in the title. Sorry for going against Mumsnet rules ;-)

Hilda40 There is no space to put a shower in the bathroom. There's a handheld shower there already IDontWantToTalk but she doesn't consider this a proper shower lol

Relapsed Her bedroom is bigger than mine so she doesn't want to swap.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 09/09/2019 11:01

I'm gobsmacked by the responses so far.

To be fair, I have assumed that she is paying below market rent. In which case, I don't understand why you are pandering to someone disturbing your mornings.

If she pays a fair market rent, then yes, swap rooms / install another shower.

I just cannot imagine ever thinking that it was acceptable to disturb my parents when living in what I expect to be a flat they own. If she can afford fair market rent, it might be time for her to get her own place.
.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/09/2019 11:02

You're lucky she lets you both stay with her when you're over instead of telling you to book a hotel. She has a right to do that btw.

I'm guessing she just pays her mom cash at a much reduced rate so technically isn't renting the whole apartment. The OP says she spends most of her time in France so still lives some of her time in her own apartment in London in which her daughter house shares?

Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 11:02

Thanks nearly granny that's my point to DD. No one is stopping her from having her shower and he is completely covered up!

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 09/09/2019 11:03

Her bedroom is bigger than mine so she doesn't want to swap.

Then maybe remind her that she is getting g a good deal and has made choices and is not to disturb you in the morning (or any other time.)

HulksPurplePanties · 09/09/2019 11:05

After seeing your response OP I'd tell her that if she doesn't want to see your DP then she can shower in the evenings or stay somewhere else while you're there. Bit cheeky if she's not willing to swap and is paying a low rent.