What Would You Do

[sunshinesupermum]

Sorry in advance for longish post but don't want to dripfeed. This is really a WWYD as I would welcome advice. This is rather a first world problem I know but it is affecting my relationship with my DD and OH.

For the at 10 years since my divorce I have been in a relationship with a French guy whose home is in Paris. I spend most of my time there and DD2 (34 years old) whose job is in London lives in the 2 bed flat I own there. She pays rent, buys all her own food, does her laundry etc. So far so good.

My OH comes over to London a few times a year usually for a week but longer in the summer hols and Xmas. He and DD rub along well enough but DD is so used to living alone that she finds it difficult when he stays.

We have a separate bathroom but the only shower is in the ensuite in my bedroom. DD insists on a shower every morning before work (around 7.30 - 8.00) when we are still asleep. She doesn't disturb us but she is now asking me to 'make sure OH is up/dressed in the mornings' so she can have her shower!

WWYD/answer?

Yay!

Clearly she was raised to be reasonable

X

We do our best chickenyhead lol x

Glad your both happy now!!!! 👍🏻💐

Thanks to the sensible suggestions I emailed DD with the option of possibly having a shower in the bathroom

Had this solution genuinely not crossed your mind?!!

HarryElephante Thanks for the patronising comment (!!) but the issue of morning showers while DP and I are in our bedoom only came up today when DD sent me an email about it, so no, never needed a solution until now.

As it is it is not a given as it depends a) on whether thre is enough water pressure and b) the cost.

Thank you sparkly!

This thread is bonkers.
I think you’ve taken it in good spirit Op.
The first time my DP and I went to Florida about 9 years ago we did a condo share with my DD ...omg 😱 we weren’t married...and she was only 32 !
She seems to have survived relatively unscathed as do her children who were about 6 and 4 at the time.
No shared bathrooms though..we had our own en suite and her, her dh and children shared a jack and Jill bathroom.

We haven’t ( sadly) tried it again as a married couple of 4 years...just to see if there was any difference .
I’m sure there would be..the kids quieter for a start and getting up much later than the adults.😂

Good luck to you OP.
You sound like you have a lovely life with your Frenchman. I’ve always fancied a Frenchman...accent to die for.

I met the woman who got my life about 30 years ago.
American woman who married a Frenchman. Lived in Paris with two lovely children ( my boys were a nightmare). He was a dentist and they had a timeshare in Pierre et vacances . I’m my fantasy they will have jetted off to spend a month in America at some exotic location visiting her parents. Lol
Enjoy your Frenchman op and your dual city living.
Sounds a bit like my life although nothing exotic going on here ..at home on .ne coast for 3 nights and large caravan in N Yorks countryside for 4 nights.
No Frenchmen involved though ☹️😂

Thanks dowser Frenchmen do have the best accents

This thread is bonkers

You always get this with threads about adult children. Lots of MNetters with littlies don't seem to be able to imagine a time when their DC will be adult and (assuming no additional needs) not dependent on them. Let's see how many of them are happy to fund/house their DC when those DC are towering over them and 30 plus

Xstatic..tell me about it . my son old lived with me till he was 26 😱
And his own son.
Thankfully a good woman came along and took them both off my hands 😂
Love them to bits...but it wasn’t easy.
Especially the weekly parties.
As he was the only single dad in his group..his friends very kindly came round to help him babysit..often till 2 or three am!
The constant trek to the fridge for their beer....😱
Wouldn’t want those days back..no thanks!

So you propose to do what I suggested in the very first reply to your OP. And then so much ridiculous drama followed. >preens

*So you propose to do what I suggested in the very first reply to your OP. And then so much ridiculous drama followed. >preens

Hilda40

I asked for suggestions, thanks. It is an option but if the water pressure isn't sufficient, there will be no new shower! Also price has to be considered as I don't have spare cash to throw around on a shower (which means retiling the bathroom) I don't actually need, especially if DD moves out (finally) in the near future.

QualCheckBot
RTFP - we already HAVE a handheld shower over the bath! DD has said she is happy to use it to wash her hair in the mornings. I have asked my builder to quote for a 'proper' shower!

Why are some posters really nice on Mumsnet and others complete arses?

This thread is unbelievable! A very reasonable OP and some reasonable poster...and then the crazy ones!!! OP owns a flat, lets her 30+ daughter live there for minimal rent, lets her have the bedroom of her choice with her own bathroom, and only asks for consideration when using her ensuite when OP and BF sleep there. But oh no! What a terrible person she must be! Why can’t she stay at a hotel / come without her BF / etc 😂

Is this thread also on gransnet.

Supermun, I have been 99% on your side throughout this lengthy debate. However as was suggested up thread you could attach the hand held shower to the tiled wall by drilling through the tiles with a diamond tipped drill. You might need a longer hose. With care you would not need to re-tile. Total cost about £20. I could do it myself.

Hilda Thanks but the problem is likely the water pressure which isn't great on the handheld shower. In any case I'm leaving it up to my builder when he comes round as he is aware of plumbing issues in our block. I'm hopeless at DIY and even my partner who is quite handy with a drill isn't prepared to do it in case of damage.

Burlea Yes. Any reason why it shouldn't be?

JustTwoMoreSecs I know, it IS unbelievable isn't it!

Wow. Some of these responses have been really harsh and bonkers to boot.
Fwiw I'm (just) 35, I've had numerous mental health conditions over the years. Been on every tablet known to man (or so it seems looking back).

I have no issues with my parents being intimate (they're still together, but I'm assuming I'd feel the same if separated)
There's no way in hell I'd be walking through their room to use a shower if an alternative was available, never mind letting DP do it!

And I really wish I had a parent nice enough to let me have the run of a flat for minimal rent rather than having to pay my own.

OP. I think you're awesome.

Op i think you’re other dd must, in the nicest way, think you’re bonkers! Time to have a few more boundaries and a bit less pandering. Your plans are sound, go forwards with confidence.

Lima45 you've just made me cry! Thank you so much for your kind words. I do hope your mental health issues stay as far away as possible
xx

BackOnceAgain I haven't told my other daughter - she would think it all bonkers! I have been building boundaries of some time and things are better than they used to be but as Lima45 will attest, it is very difficult for all concerned when a DD/DS has mental health issues.

Thanks for your confidence - I do feel better for the positive comments and will ignore the balmy ones if I can!

Bloody hell, 34?!!! I think it would actually do her good to kick her out. You talk about her like she’s 19!!!

@Sunshonesupermum
Just checking on how you're doing today. Thanks for the kind words, I'm pretty stable nowadays thanks mainly to DP and my parents treading the line between being very understanding and not letting me wallow and get my own way when I was being unreasonable.

Hope you and your DD come to a middle ground and that Brexshit doesn't affect your relationship too badly xx

Hi Lima45

Thanks for asking! Got home yesterday and DD and I are okay now she's agreed to use the bathroom shower to wash her hair in the mornings when we're home. The builder is coming over next week.

Glad that you are being supported by your DP and your parents when needed. Sometimes it is a difficult line to draw between mental ill health and wallowing in self pity. I have been through that as well as both DDs and my DP too! Understanding and empathy work but I admit I may have overcompensated where DD is concerned, partly because she has had no other support other than therapy and Citalopram. Being a single mum of adults comes with its own problems esp where health is concerned. xx