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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What Would You Do

199 replies

sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 10:23

Sorry in advance for longish post but don't want to dripfeed. This is really a WWYD as I would welcome advice. This is rather a first world problem I know but it is affecting my relationship with my DD and OH.

For the at 10 years since my divorce I have been in a relationship with a French guy whose home is in Paris. I spend most of my time there and DD2 (34 years old) whose job is in London lives in the 2 bed flat I own there. She pays rent, buys all her own food, does her laundry etc. So far so good.

My OH comes over to London a few times a year usually for a week but longer in the summer hols and Xmas. He and DD rub along well enough but DD is so used to living alone that she finds it difficult when he stays.

We have a separate bathroom but the only shower is in the ensuite in my bedroom. DD insists on a shower every morning before work (around 7.30 - 8.00) when we are still asleep. She doesn't disturb us but she is now asking me to 'make sure OH is up/dressed in the mornings' so she can have her shower!

WWYD/answer?

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 12:46

sailing by 47 you might have learnt to be a bit more empathetic then. 'yuk' is a word I associate with teenagers.

In answer to your questions (not that its any of your business)
Why not just leave your boyfriend in France and spend some quality time with your dd without him?
I do, already and have done for almost 10 years. I come home every four weeks or so and spend ('quality time'???) between a week and ten days away from my partner at my home shared with my daughter. If I was living full time in the UK I suspect she might have moved out by now. As i've stated she is not easy to live with but for the time I am over we get along fine.

My partner who generally she gets on with doesn't stay for weeks at a time' he stays for a week usually about 4 times a year except in the summer and at Xmas (for 3 weeks)

Yes she's my child and always will be but she is also an adult and I have no intention of raising her rent to market rent. No idea where you got that from. She doesn't 'manage' anything other than buy her own food and take care of herself and her own room. A cleaner goes in twice a month (at my cost) She is more like a lodger who has free run of the flat.

Once again none of your business but since you're invested in my life! Her father and I divorced 10 years ago. He has never been a support to DD (the younger of my daughters) and their relationship is nonexistent

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 09/09/2019 12:47

why don't you just temporarily swap rooms for the week or so you're there. No shower issue and everyone happy.

Because it's HER HOME, so if she swapped rooms every time she came over, all her stuff would need to be moved and the room with the en suite would never be the OP's room at all, which it is. It would end up just being a store room with shower until the OP comes again when she daughter would move in (even though she has said she doesn't want to be in that room) and the OP would be sleeping, with her OH, in her daughter's room surrounded by all her stuff. That's insane.

If they swap, it has to be permanent (though the daughter has said she won't anyway).

The daughter isn't a guest you move out for, she's a flat sharer/lodger.

sailingclosetothewind · 09/09/2019 12:47

Why would it be so shocking for op to spend time with her dd twice a year, rather than everyone having to accommodate her non sleeping boyfriend?

If my dd lived in another country I would cherish the time with her, and not pandering to the boyfriend's needs. Why is he always coming with you? Is there a reason why he can't stay in Paris for at least one of your visits?

callmeadoctor · 09/09/2019 12:47

As there are clearly other issues as well, then the 2 best suggestions would be:

  1. To put a proper shower above the bath, I don't think that it cost that much tbh.
  1. To swop bedrooms temporarily when you visit (particularly as its not that often)
Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 12:48

HollowTalk yes it is still my home but I accept it is also my daughter's

OP posts:
allthegoodusernameshavegone · 09/09/2019 12:48

What about saying NO, he will not get up and dressed early to suit your needs, deal with it!

Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 12:49

Sailing have you read my update? it answers your questions.

Thanks VanGoghsDog some people just don't get it!

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 12:50

alllgooduseersnameshavegone

Yup - about time I did. I'm a people pleaser and hate rows :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 12:52

sailing to reiterate since you can't be bothered to read or understand - my partner spends more time in Paris without me than he comes to stay in my home. We are partners therefore want to spend as much time as we can together. DD has her own life thankfully and is quite happy with the amount of time she and I spend together as mother and daughter. HTH

OP posts:
sailingclosetothewind · 09/09/2019 12:56

Okay so we posted at the same time.

Your dd is effectively still living 'at home' she is not a lodger with free rein', you are staying for large chunks of the year, so this idea that she is renting the flat from you is not true. It your family home, and she is living there as most young people do.

The issue is when your boyfriend comes to stay. So why is he coming for three whole weeks? Surely this would be easier if he simply came for less time.

Your dd has no other parent apart from you, if you want to have a relationship with your dd going forward then you need to step up and be a decent parent to her. Especially if she really struggles with her MH.

I feel very sorry for her, she has to put up with you shuttling in and out of life to suit yourself, you find her eating disorders something to be endured, and have you even asked her how she feels about your boyfriend staying there for three weeks? Maybe she feels very stressed with anxiety with too many in your small family home. Have you actually considered how she is feeling in all of this op?

I can tell you for nothing your dd's MH aside, the thought of MY mother sleeping with her boyfriend next door turns my stomach, and I wouldn't like it in my family home, absolutely not. Yuck is definitely a word I would use, and that was the polite version.

The issue is:

Your dd sees it as her home.
You see her as lodger.

QualCheckBot · 09/09/2019 12:59

Yes she's my child and always will be but she is also an adult and I have no intention of raising her rent to market rent. No idea where you got that from. She doesn't 'manage' anything other than buy her own food and take care of herself and her own room. A cleaner goes in twice a month (at my cost) She is more like a lodger who has free run of the flat.

She does sound incredibly spoilt and not prepared for the realities of the real world (as in a world where mummy doesn't run around after you arranging flats in London to live in and cleaners to clean them for you). I don't think spoiling her is doing her much good tbh, if she thinks asking someone to be up and dressed in the mornings so she can use their en suites (but won't change bedrooms herself) is anything to go by.

Given that she holds down a responsible job, are you sure that the anxiety etc isn't simply an act which she has learned is useful for getting her own way, without having to work for it?

DarlingNikita · 09/09/2019 13:02

she is living there as most young people do. She's thirty-fucking-four!

the thought of MY mother sleeping with her boyfriend next door turns my stomach, and I wouldn't like it in my family home, absolutely not. Yuck is definitely a word I would use, and that was the polite version

You need to grow up.

wowfudge · 09/09/2019 13:02

This handheld shower - is it connected to the bath taps with a diverter for filling the bath or using the shower? If so, that's fine for showering, just needs a bracket fixing to the tiled wall for hands free showering. Shouldn't be complicated or difficult.

chickenyhead · 09/09/2019 13:02

OMG step away from a thread for 5 min and suddenly the OP, who has been more than reasonable, is some sort of ogre.

She is 34 years old! Seriously 34 not 12

CaMePlaitPas · 09/09/2019 13:04

Can you not just move to Paris? And get a hotel/airbnb when he stays in the UK?

FrancisCrawford · 09/09/2019 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Paintedmaypole · 09/09/2019 13:09

Some odd answers. Why can't she have a bath in the morning or shower in the evening? Why isn't OP allowed to say that her DD can be difficult to live with? Why is it "yuk" for OP to sleep with her long term partner in the next room? The responses would be very different if the roles of mother and daughter were reversed here. I get a very strong whiff of ageism.

chickenyhead · 09/09/2019 13:10

Maybe they are all correct OP and you should have left your flat unoccupied and your 34 yo daughter to be an adult throughout. Then all of this would be a non issue and MN would be telling you that it is your house and nobody elses business.

How old are you other non dependent DCs? (Dont answer) just shocked at the character assassination

sailingclosetothewind · 09/09/2019 13:11

Ask her to leave op. If you are moving back full time it is unlikely to work in the long term anyway.

Better to stop the arrangement now, and give her some notice to find somewhere else.

sailingclosetothewind · 09/09/2019 13:13

Leaving your flat unoccupied in London is a very bad idea, so I assume you will need a housesitter when you are in France once she has gone, and that will come with its own problems as I found out.

Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 13:13

Your dd has no other parent apart from you, if you want to have a relationship with your dd going forward then you need to step up and be a decent parent to her. Especially if she really struggles with her MH.

Sailing You are unbelievable. My DD is the first one to tell me how much I have helped her over the past 10 years when I've had to be both mother and father to her. I am letting her have some form of independence by NOT being in London as often as I would choose to be.

It is because she gets stressed and anxious that my DP doesn't stay for long periods except in the summer when we go away in the UK so it is never 3 weeks in the flat and at Xmas when he is there for two weeks and I stay longer for a family birthday. FFS why can;t you see the bigger picture here?

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 13:15

Thanks sailing

ask her to leave first sensible comment from you today. Will definitely be talking to DD about her plans now.

OP posts:
sailingclosetothewind · 09/09/2019 13:15

ALL of my nieces and nephews still live at home btw (all based in London) 33, 30, 28, 28 and 25. Every single one of them is a well paid professional in the city, not one can afford to move out.

Clangus00 · 09/09/2019 13:17

Ok I didn’t realise her age! She’s going to have a helluva shock when she “grows up”!
Personally I think you’re doing far too much for her.
Tell her no.

chickenyhead · 09/09/2019 13:18

Aaaaaannnnndddd a guilt trip

Foreseeable

That's why she has the arrangement she has had but it doesn't mean that her daughter can stamp her feet and demand everyone else jumps

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