Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What Would You Do

199 replies

sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 10:23

Sorry in advance for longish post but don't want to dripfeed. This is really a WWYD as I would welcome advice. This is rather a first world problem I know but it is affecting my relationship with my DD and OH.

For the at 10 years since my divorce I have been in a relationship with a French guy whose home is in Paris. I spend most of my time there and DD2 (34 years old) whose job is in London lives in the 2 bed flat I own there. She pays rent, buys all her own food, does her laundry etc. So far so good.

My OH comes over to London a few times a year usually for a week but longer in the summer hols and Xmas. He and DD rub along well enough but DD is so used to living alone that she finds it difficult when he stays.

We have a separate bathroom but the only shower is in the ensuite in my bedroom. DD insists on a shower every morning before work (around 7.30 - 8.00) when we are still asleep. She doesn't disturb us but she is now asking me to 'make sure OH is up/dressed in the mornings' so she can have her shower!

WWYD/answer?

OP posts:
Bibidy · 09/09/2019 11:29

@sunshinesupermum Tbh I lived with only a handheld shower for most of my time living with my parents, many people only have that option!

I'm sure your daughter can survive using it while you and your partner are around :)

Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 11:29

It's my home first and foremost as much as it is hers - so no I will not be staying in a hotel just for DDs convenience even if she was to pay me more rent. If she paid me market rate she could find somewhere else instead.

As I posed upthread time to have a serious 1-2-1 with her when I'm back on Wednesday. Thanks for all your comments ladies, it has helped me clarify a few things.

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 09/09/2019 11:29

Given everything, it seems DD IBVU indeed. B**t may well solve this for you, but in the meantime, a mother/daughter chat about the advantages and disadvantages of this set-up to you both might make everything run more smoothly.

These boomer/millennial family relationships can be a fraught when home ownership and house prices are staring everyone in the face. My family is one of these too. I hope you can sort it while preserving your privacy and her goodwill. She shouldn't need reminding how lucky she is compared to others, but having to feel extended gratitude can make people want to bite!

Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 11:32

Bibidy My partner's been pretty patient so far but i think he's becoming more uncomfortable with the situation too.

I suspect this may be the case.It's almost like she's making this demand on purpose so your OH feels uncomfortable and no longer wants to stay in the flat when you visit.

OP posts:
Motoko · 09/09/2019 11:34

What exactly do you mean by "handheld shower"? I've had a handheld shower, that you plug on to the taps, for washing my hair, but it wasn't a proper shower. Is this what you mean, one that's attached to the taps? Because that wouldn't be suitable for showering with.

I now have a shower fitted above the bath. The walls around the bath are fully tiled, and it's quite a simple job to drill into tiles, so that shouldn't stop you fitting a shower there.

Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 11:37

Nearly Granny I don't ever tell her that she is fortunate to have the option of living in my flat and I know she mostly appreciates the advantage she has.
The boomerang generation are in a bad situation when rents are so high and even if she could get a mortgage on her salary it wouldn't be enough to live in London or even close by to get to work. She is a journalist and is settled and happy at work. She has had mental health issues in the past which is one reason I've been accommodating up until now.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 09/09/2019 11:38

Tell her when he's visiting she can use the handheld shower in the main bathroom. It won't kill her for such a short time and she can always leave if she doesn't like it.

Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 11:40

The other option is to cost out a full shower in the bathroom and she pays for it, which I doubt she will go for but will suggest.

OP posts:
easyandy101 · 09/09/2019 11:41

I'd tell her to do one

Cheeky Fuckery

Honeyroar · 09/09/2019 11:43

You sound like you've done a lot for her - reduced rent, biggest bedroom etc, but she doesn't even seem thankful. And she's old, not just out of her teens.. I think a firm chat is in order. She either changes bedrooms and gets the en suite, or showers the evening before/with the handheld shower in the bathroom in the morning. She does not dictate what time your boyfriend gets up and she does not swan into the bedroom uninvited anymore. If she can't accept any of these things, tell her it's time she started looking at somewhere else to live (even if it is a house share). This is your home primarily, you're probably going to be around more, as is your boyfriend, and if she can't adapt to SHARING your house she needs to find somewhere she is happy sharing. She may have practically had the flat to herself for most of the time, but it is YOUR flat.

DarlingNikita · 09/09/2019 11:43

If she was paying rent that reflected the market I'd say YANBU and it's her home. But as she's paying peppercorn rent out of your kindness, I think she needs to give her head a wobble.

She can use the hand-held shower. If she doesn't like that, she can move into a place that has a 'proper' shower and pay proper rent.

chickenyhead · 09/09/2019 11:44

I think that it is important that you do not solve this issue for her as she will resent you for it.

Set out your boundary, which I currently feel is too soft anyway, and stick to it. She is an adult now and needs to act like one.

Ainsl · 09/09/2019 11:47

Swap bedrooms!!

LoveGrowsWhere · 09/09/2019 11:48

She's 34. She should appreciate she's got a very generous parent & not push for more.

Bibidy · 09/09/2019 11:49

My partner's been pretty patient so far but i think he's becoming more uncomfortable with the situation too.

Yeah it sounds to me as if she's just got used to having the run of the place herself while you've not been around as much, and now she doesn't like the disruption to her routine when you're there.

AND I think she's singling out your partner because that's more difficult for you to oppose as she can play the uncomfortable being undressed around him/having him undressed around her card. She probably thinks if she makes him uncomfortable enough the pair of you will stay less.

I think he's being massively understanding too as I wouldn't be happy at all for my OH's adult child to be routinely coming into the bedroom while I'm asleep, I'd feel really conscious and uncomfortable with that.

XXcstatic · 09/09/2019 11:50

OP, I think you are getting some odd responses because your OP doesn't really make it clear that the flat is your actual home, as opposed to your DD's flat that you pay the mortgage on, to help her out.

What you are really saying is that your DD still lives at home with you but, most of the time, you're not there because you're in Paris, so she usually has the place to herself. On the rare occasions when you are actually in your own home, you don't want to have to get up early to let her have a shower, when she could shower the night before and/or use the handheld in her own bathroom.

So it IS an AIBU, and you are definitely NBU Smile

Bibidy · 09/09/2019 11:50

Arghhhh why are people still saying 'swap bedrooms'?! OP has already said her daughter has refused to swap bedrooms!

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/09/2019 11:51

I don't think she can have it all ways. If she wants to shower when you two are staying she can get one the night before or swap bedrooms. As she doesn't want to do these she needs to get a quick bath on these mornings.

BlueJava · 09/09/2019 11:51

I think I'd be wanting my flat back and ask her to move out especially if she won't room swap or use the handheld shower in the other bathroom.

VanGoghsDog · 09/09/2019 11:52

Well, unless you want building work (can a door into the en suite be made from the hall, for example, making it a 'Jack and Jill'? Or upgrade the main bathroom) and since she won't swap rooms, then she showers in the evening and washes her hair over the bath in the morning - well, that's what I would do.

Or SHE moves out to a hotel when you are there, she is saving a lot in London rents so if she saves up she can afford it for the few times you are home.

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/09/2019 11:52

PS I would never have started using your shower when you two were staying, it's a bit intrusive. And the cost of paying below-market rent.

timeisnotaline · 09/09/2019 11:54

Shes 34. If she were housesharing she would realsie she can choose the bigger room or the en-suite room but because it’s her mum she thinks she can have her cake and eat it too. You’ve given her choices, in your chat I would be very straight. I am starting to feel like you would rather I not be in a happy relationship just so that you can have everything in my flat exactly how you want it. This is very disappointing. I’d be sad if you move out but you’re 34 not 4 and need to make some choices and be a reasonable person to live with.

LillithsFamiliar · 09/09/2019 11:57

I think asking her to pay for a shower to be installed in the other bathroom is the best way to approach this. Yy another proper shower will benefit you as it's adding to the amenity of your property but since she has the problem with the handheld shower and she only pays a minimal rent, I think it's reasonable to ask her to pay for the changes.

TartanCurtains1 · 09/09/2019 11:57

If she won't swap rooms permanently why don't you just temporarily swap rooms for the week or so you're there. No shower issue and everyone happy.

Or she could just shower in the evenings.

Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 11:58

Thanks again for your comments.

Bibidy you've got it in one. My partner IS very understanding but I feel bad for him.

Options for her in the short term when we are over this week:
Shower in the evenings (which she sometimes does anyway)
Having a bath instead
Carry on coming into the ensuite while we are still asleep

Medium/long term
Cost out changing bathroom to have full shower over bath and decide who's paying for it
She looks for somewhere else to live especially if my time in France is going to be limited in future thanks to Brekshit

OP posts: