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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What Would You Do

199 replies

sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 10:23

Sorry in advance for longish post but don't want to dripfeed. This is really a WWYD as I would welcome advice. This is rather a first world problem I know but it is affecting my relationship with my DD and OH.

For the at 10 years since my divorce I have been in a relationship with a French guy whose home is in Paris. I spend most of my time there and DD2 (34 years old) whose job is in London lives in the 2 bed flat I own there. She pays rent, buys all her own food, does her laundry etc. So far so good.

My OH comes over to London a few times a year usually for a week but longer in the summer hols and Xmas. He and DD rub along well enough but DD is so used to living alone that she finds it difficult when he stays.

We have a separate bathroom but the only shower is in the ensuite in my bedroom. DD insists on a shower every morning before work (around 7.30 - 8.00) when we are still asleep. She doesn't disturb us but she is now asking me to 'make sure OH is up/dressed in the mornings' so she can have her shower!

WWYD/answer?

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 09/09/2019 11:58

Tell her to shower in the evenings! Simple as. YANBU.

sailingclosetothewind · 09/09/2019 12:00

I would stay in a hotel. This is never going to work in a small apartment, and one your dd is used to having herself. Why not make a holiday of your visits and stay in a hotel?

If you won't do this, then I would ask dd to swap bedrooms for your stay, and then she can switch back again when you have gone.

I can understand she doesn't feel comfortable showering with your dp there, and then the stress if waking him up as he has a sleep disorder (his disorder is not really her problem)

Solutions:

Swaps rooms during your stay
Uses the handheld shower and stays where she is
You stay in a hotel going forward.

BTW I would hate to share a small flat with my mother and her Parisian boyfriend, yuck, even if she were subsidising me a little.

Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 12:00

Thanks again for your comments.

Bibidy you've got it in one. My partner IS very understanding but I feel bad for him.

Options for her in the short term when we are over this week:
Shower in the evenings (which she sometimes does anyway)
Having a bath instead
Carry on coming into the ensuite while we are still asleep

Medium/long term
Cost out changing bathroom to have full shower over bath if she pays/shares payment for it to be installed
She looks for somewhere else to live especially if my time in France is going to be limited in future thanks to Brekshit

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 09/09/2019 12:01

@sunshinesupermum I would actually take the option of her coming into your bedroom in the mornings off the table actually. I don't think it's very fair on your OH, especially after your DD making out she's uncomfortable about it, that must have made him feel very uncomfortable.

Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 12:03

sailingclosetothewind Did you miss the fact that it is a home I paid for and am still paying majority of bills? I don't have to let her live there at all.

I think you must be pretty young to write the post you just did eg BTW I would hate to share a small flat with my mother and her Parisian boyfriend, yuck, even if she were subsidising me a little.
It's not a little I assure you!

OP posts:
Suze1621 · 09/09/2019 12:03

I am with Arya StarkWolf on This one. I would put a lock on your bedroom door and use it when your partner is staying.

SciFiScream · 09/09/2019 12:08

Encourage your DD to join a local gym then she can get up early when you are there, go enjoy some exercise and have a shower at the gym before heading to work.

SciFiScream · 09/09/2019 12:09

I wouldn't ask your daughter to pay for any home improvements. It's your house after all and another shower will be attractive should you sell.

DarlingNikita · 09/09/2019 12:11

Why not make a holiday of your visits and stay in a hotel?

Because she has a flat she can stay in Hmm

BTW I would hate to share a small flat with my mother and her Parisian boyfriend, yuck
What? Confused Hmm

Drum2018 · 09/09/2019 12:14

If I didn't let her live there at vastly reduced rent I would spend far more time in the flat than in Paris and my OH would be with me

I'd encourage her to move out. You are no doubt at a stage in life where you want to relax and enjoy yourselves and not have your whinging adult daughter dictate what happens in your home. If her being there is putting you and OH off spending more time in London, then it's time for her to move on. She's too old to be living at home. If she has to find a house share, so be it.

Bibidy · 09/09/2019 12:15

I would stay in a hotel. This is never going to work in a small apartment, and one your dd is used to having herself. Why not make a holiday of your visits and stay in a hotel?

LOL are you joking @sailingclosetothewind ?

So OP has to fork out for a hotel rather than stay in her OWN HOME because her adult daughter is being precious about having to use a different bathroom for a few days??

No chance.

HarryElephante · 09/09/2019 12:20

She is very much a person who needs her own space and finds sharing a home difficult whoever it's with. I don't envy any flatmates/live in partners she might encounter in the future.

You sound lovely.

HollowTalk · 09/09/2019 12:31

OP, is your London flat the place you consider to be home, so basically your daughter is still living at home?

sailingclosetothewind · 09/09/2019 12:31

OP I am 47 and a long way from being young.

Secondly, you sound very very cold and unfriendly towards your dd.
It must be very weird for her to have your boyfriend staying what in what she considers to be home. Very weird to have this for weeks at a time.

Whether you are paying a lot or just a little towards the bills is almost irrelevant as she is your child, so I am assuming you are going to do your best to support her, and look out for her by not charging her the market rental rate. If you were living in the UK maybe she would be living with you anyway, as many many young people do because they simply can not afford to live anywhere else!

I suggest you put yourself in her shoes, she is alone in the UK without a parent (Unless her father lives nearby and supports her) you have said nothing of this so far, so she is on her own and managing the place well by your own account. If you were renting it out elsewhere you couldn't stay at all.

Why not just leave your boyfriend in France and spend some quality time with your dd without him? Problem solved.

Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 12:32

I sound lovely?

No flatmate or partner would pander to her in the way I as her Mum does! Seriously! She is not an easy person to live with. I've mentioned upthread she has mental health issues ie anxiety and depression which she is now coping much better with and I've seen her through an eating disorder.

OP posts:
Sorryandstressed · 09/09/2019 12:32

I have to say I'm a similar age to your DD and I wouldn't relish the thought of staying in a flat with my dm and her boyfriend Confused. Especially if I had to tiptoe around them because they're up all night.

Have a frank conversation. Either she moves out, she doesn't shower when you are there or you split the cost of a shower between you.

Reading between the lines (correct me if I'm wrong) but it reads as if she is irritating you and you want her to move out?

sailingclosetothewind · 09/09/2019 12:36

Additionally she has mental health issues, so you ought to be doing more to accommodate her not less.

Saying you 'don't envy her future flat mates' tells me all I need to know about the kind of parent you are.

sailingclosetothewind · 09/09/2019 12:38

I hope she moves out, and decides she is better off without you in her life. Really I do.

You do realise as a parent it is your responsibility to 'see your child' through illnesses and eating disorders. You won't get a gold star for simply parenting.

HarryElephante · 09/09/2019 12:39

No flatmate or partner would pander to her in the way I as her Mum does! Seriously! She is not an easy person to live with. I've mentioned upthread she has mental health issues ie anxiety and depression which she is now coping much better with and I've seen her through an eating disorder.

Her going through all that makes your comment that you 'pity the person she ends up living with' even worse.

By lovely, I think I meant awful.

Good luck with your dilemma.

QualCheckBot · 09/09/2019 12:40

What a lot of non-problems. Both you and your DD are very fortunate, DD particularly. I think the real problem is that she sees the flat as hers, and you as the guest...

I don't understand why the shower is causing so many problems. Just fix it to the wall. Or install an electric over bath shower and put either a curtain or a screen in. It won't take any more room than a bath does. Millions of people have them. Theres no need for a separate shower.

Insisting on using someone's en suite in the mornings and refusing to change bedrooms is quite ridiculous. Just tell her you won't put up with her being deliberately awkward.

MRex · 09/09/2019 12:41

I wouldn't let anyone stroll through the bedroom while you're sleeping, that's very rude. She needs to stop that and use the available bathroom. You might have to remind her that she rents her room and not the whole flat.

I think you're really over-estimating the complexity of setting up the shower over the bath though, which should resolve the superficial issue.

Buy and fit a bath and shower mixer tap, if you don't already have this. (Unclear if you just have fittings that you into the bath taps or a mixer.) Cost from £30 depending on what design you like.
Buy whatever shower head she likes and use a longer hose; you can just fit that with your existing set-up using a spanner. Cost from £15 for the pair.
Buy whatever Wall Mounted Shower Handset Holder you like, requires you to drill a couple of holes, cost from £6. (Use a damp sponge on the tile while you drill to keep it cool so it doesn't crack and make sure you avoid pipes behind the tiles!!)
Total cost: £51 (or hundreds if you have more expensive tastes and don't mind paying for it).

Or get a fancy shower head to be fitted and some new tiles up that section, from £400 plus say £100 tiles / replacement bath taps below and £300 plumber.

MRex · 09/09/2019 12:42

I forgot the shower screen / curtain - again it depends on your tastes bit can be done very cheaply.

DarlingNikita · 09/09/2019 12:43

Why not just leave your boyfriend in France and spend some quality time with your dd without him? Problem solved.
Oh yeah, why didn't the OP just think of that? Hmm

DarlingNikita · 09/09/2019 12:43

sailingclosetothewind, you may be 47 but you sound about 10.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/09/2019 12:46

I too would take using your en suite off the table... M

It's unfair for your boyfriend to manage an adult step daughter randomly coming through the bedroom...

So either use in the evening....

Or invest making a proper shower over bath arrangement... This won't feel the same as a shower cubicle though..

Would your princess not like this either?