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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What Would You Do

199 replies

sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 10:23

Sorry in advance for longish post but don't want to dripfeed. This is really a WWYD as I would welcome advice. This is rather a first world problem I know but it is affecting my relationship with my DD and OH.

For the at 10 years since my divorce I have been in a relationship with a French guy whose home is in Paris. I spend most of my time there and DD2 (34 years old) whose job is in London lives in the 2 bed flat I own there. She pays rent, buys all her own food, does her laundry etc. So far so good.

My OH comes over to London a few times a year usually for a week but longer in the summer hols and Xmas. He and DD rub along well enough but DD is so used to living alone that she finds it difficult when he stays.

We have a separate bathroom but the only shower is in the ensuite in my bedroom. DD insists on a shower every morning before work (around 7.30 - 8.00) when we are still asleep. She doesn't disturb us but she is now asking me to 'make sure OH is up/dressed in the mornings' so she can have her shower!

WWYD/answer?

OP posts:

Original poster

sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 11:05

Yes Arya my DD does 'house share'. I accept it's her home, but it is also mine.

If I didn't let her live there at vastly reduced rent I would spend far more time in the flat than in Paris and my OH would be with me.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 09/09/2019 11:05

After reading your update I think your daughter is BU, she can use the other bathroom but she doesn't want to and she could swap but she doesn't want to...........then tough luck I'd say, she has options

Ponoka7 · 09/09/2019 11:05

"Or why not charge her market rent for a one bedroom flat and use the smaller bedroom when you come, unless it's a single, of course!"

No tenant is going to pay full marjet rent for a LL to show up when they want.

Then you have the issue of the property being treated well and the tenant being someone who you get on well enough to share with.

So, no, her Daughter shouldn't be paying full market rent, when she is also a caretaker, possibly cone housekeeper, at times.

OP, swap or get up.

WhoCaresWins01 · 09/09/2019 11:06

If she isn't paying market rent and has refused to swap rooms then I think she needs to shower in the evening or find somewhere else to live!

Hederex · 09/09/2019 11:07

I think I would find it awkward if I were your DD too. I can see both sides here and I think it would be really, really good for you all if you could hash out a compromise, because the other option is her moving out, which would mean her paying a lot more for a lot less, and leave you with a proper rental situation whereby you couldn't use your flat at all.
The most sensible solution would be to say to her that she can have all the access she wants to a private shower...IF she swaps rooms.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/09/2019 11:07

@Ponoka7 read the update, the daughter doesn't want to swap bedrooms

CassianAndor · 09/09/2019 11:08

Your DD is welcome to find herself somewhere else to live.

I think, as she is getting a flat to herself most of the time for a very reduced rent, she can just suck it up when you come to stay in your own flat.

Original poster

sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 11:09

You're lucky she lets you both stay with her when you're over instead of telling you to book a hotel. She has a right to do that btw. You're having a laugh Clangus

This is the home I saved up and bought. I don't have to let her stay there at low rent at all, but like many parents of boomerang kids I feel sorry that she can't afford to buy her own place. If she rented elsewehere she would only be able to afford a house share like she did when she was a student.

OP posts:

Brefugee · 09/09/2019 11:11

I don't get why you can't fix a showerhead high over the bath like they do in a lot of European countries, so she can shower there.
Otherwise tell her to find her own place and either rent it out or live in it...

Original poster

sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 11:13

Thanks Cassian

Perhaps the time has come for a serious talk with DD about finding herself somewhere else to live if she doesn't like current arrangement. She is very much a person who needs her own space and finds sharing a home difficult whoever it's with. I don't envy any flatmates/live in partners she might encounter in the future.

OP posts:

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 09/09/2019 11:15

Could you post a photo of the bathroom she uses to see if we could work out a way to install a shower in it?

chickenyhead · 09/09/2019 11:16

YANBU she is being an entitled madam.

Either she swaps rooms, or she deals with her discomfort however she needs to. She is an additi now and can work out her own solution.

Foot stamping demands from an adult child are annoying and need nipping in the bud

LillithsFamiliar · 09/09/2019 11:18

You've been with your OH for ten years. What's changed that your DD is suddenly asking for your OH to get up?

chuttypicks · 09/09/2019 11:19

She's a grown woman. Tell her she can't shower in your en-suite in the mornings when you are there. End of story. First and foremost it is your property, not hers, regardless of her token rent, and as such she can follow your rules or move out. She's become far too used to getting her own way but ultimately, your house, your rules.

DishingOutDone · 09/09/2019 11:19

I am sure OP has thought of all this swop rooms/install a shower etc. Bottom line is you have to insist OP. If you decided to move back to UK permanently next week what would she do then? Also I am sure you don't want to tell her to leave simply because of which room the shower is in, but I think she needs to accept a compromise, as you have already offered.

Original poster

sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 11:20

I just cannot imagine ever thinking that it was acceptable to disturb my parents when living in what I expect to be a flat they own. If she can afford fair market rent, it might be time for her to get her own place.

Am thinking seriously about this FinallyHere I enjoy DD staying in the flat so I see her when I'm over and wouldn't rent it out if she left. I did it to help her not me. I would live in it more than I currently do if she wasn't there. With Brexit looming I may not be allowed to spend more than 180 pa with my partner in France (max 90 days at a time) so will be in UK far more often if that happens.
.

OP posts:

LemonBreeland · 09/09/2019 11:21

She either swaps to the smaller bedroom, therefore getting the en suite or she gets on with the status quo.

Original poster

sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 11:21

Liliths Nothing's changed - but he's coming to stay more than he used to.

OP posts:

WhyBirdStop · 09/09/2019 11:22

At 34 paying nominal rent , when she mainly has a London flat to herself, she needs to suck it up or move out

Bibidy · 09/09/2019 11:23

I agree with @chuttypicks

There is another bathroom she can use, with a working shower head. OR she could have a bath! She has other options that don't include disturbing you and your OH during the short time you're there.

She gets to enjoy a nice property all on her own for the majority of the time, surely she can suck it up and just use the other bathroom for the minimal time that you and your OH are around?

It's almost like she's making this demand on purpose so your OH feels uncomfortable and no longer wants to stay in the flat when you visit.

zxcvhjkl · 09/09/2019 11:24

OP - there's a handheld shower in the bathroom? But your DD doesn't consider it a "real shower"?! OK that's a game changer, because now it seems she is just being a bit awkward. I revise my thoughts...

You either swap bedrooms so she has the room with ensuite even though it is smaller (if she wants the shower that much she would take it) or she has her shower in the "not really a shower". If neither of those are options she considers acceptable then perhaps you need to charge her more rent for having use of the full property at all times. You and DP then stay in a hotel.

I do understand why she wouldn't feel comfortable using the ensuite with your DP in the bedroom but there are other options so why is she being awkward!

CassianAndor · 09/09/2019 11:24

she may well need her own space but that is a luxury. Frankly, if it's that important to her then she needs to get a career that will pay for a flat of her own.

Original poster

sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 11:24

You are so right chickenyhead

joxer no I can't post a photo of the bathroom so you can see if a shower can be fixed lol - the room is fully tiled in any case and there is a shower there already even if it is 'just' a handheld one!

OP posts:

SmellMySmellbow · 09/09/2019 11:26

Her options are

swaps bedrooms for the smaller room
stop having a shower in the morning and have it in the evening
carry on as she is
move out. Up to her which one she picks.

DriftingLeaves · 09/09/2019 11:27

Tell her to find her own place if she isn't happy. She pays a reduced rent to live in your home. You make the rules.

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