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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What Would You Do

199 replies

sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 10:23

Sorry in advance for longish post but don't want to dripfeed. This is really a WWYD as I would welcome advice. This is rather a first world problem I know but it is affecting my relationship with my DD and OH.

For the at 10 years since my divorce I have been in a relationship with a French guy whose home is in Paris. I spend most of my time there and DD2 (34 years old) whose job is in London lives in the 2 bed flat I own there. She pays rent, buys all her own food, does her laundry etc. So far so good.

My OH comes over to London a few times a year usually for a week but longer in the summer hols and Xmas. He and DD rub along well enough but DD is so used to living alone that she finds it difficult when he stays.

We have a separate bathroom but the only shower is in the ensuite in my bedroom. DD insists on a shower every morning before work (around 7.30 - 8.00) when we are still asleep. She doesn't disturb us but she is now asking me to 'make sure OH is up/dressed in the mornings' so she can have her shower!

WWYD/answer?

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 13:20

chickenyhead My other adult DD is 38, married and with 2 children of her own. Pretty sure she thinks I let her sister have an easy ride lol

couldn't you move to Paris No, I don't want to live permanently in my DPs home. In any case there is something called Brexshit happening which would preclude my living anywhere else in Europe even if I wanted to.

paintedmaypole FrancisCrawford thanks! Not sure if it's ageism or not, just some very weird responses but I do have some options now to discuss with DD so not all bad!

OP posts:
Cakeorchocolate · 09/09/2019 13:20

If there's already a bath and a handheld shower, couldn't you just simply put a mount on the wall for the shower head? And put a rail up for a curtain?

Your responses seem like you were hoping for lots of answers just saying she is BU and encourage her to leave.

lovelypumpkin · 09/09/2019 13:20

I don't think you are being at all U generally but a suggestion - you could get a large room divider screen to put up at night, so there is no possibility that she could see either of you or you her - see if that makes her feel more comfortable. I haven't read all replies so someone else might have already suggested that. I just googled them and some are quite stylish Smile

chamenanged · 09/09/2019 13:20

On reflection your daughter sounds like a pain in the arse but then so does your man, I couldn't be doing with the sleeping business. What I'd do is move your daughter out, leave the boyfriend in Paris and have a gay old time in your London flat with its shower and cleaner all by yourself.

Dowser · 09/09/2019 13:22

Read first and last page
Op I’m shocked at how nasty it got.
Fwiw..I have one bathroom. It has toilet, sink and a shower of the bath..it all works really well.
When we get really old and decrepit..we will whip out the bath and make it a walk in shower

Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 13:23

Given that she holds down a responsible job, are you sure that the anxiety etc isn't simply an act which she has learned is useful for getting her own way, without having to work for it?

No I don't think so although I do admit I have spoilt DD by wanting an easy life especially having to cope with a really nasty divorce (my ex came out as gay after 30 years marriage so the repercussions have been huge)

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 13:24

PS she has had a lot of therapy (CBT was the most help) and her behaviour improved a lot afterwards.

OP posts:
sailingclosetothewind · 09/09/2019 13:25

Can I say that with respect, you are the one that needs to try and understand that your dd's mental health problems, and see they are almost certainly responsible for her difficulties, and the fact she can't cope with your dp/needs to have a shower at the same time every day and the other things you describe. She isn't choosing to be ill op. It obviously has a small impact on you whilst you are in London, but she has to live with this every single day, it can't be easy with no family and very little support.

Whilst it is generous of you to offer her reduced rent and cover the bills, you are in fact benefiting as well. Your flat is secure, you do not have squatters moving in etc. So this isn't entirely for your dd is it, it is to your advantage too. You would need a house sitter or similar in the long term if you wanted to keep your flat safe.

Either way it sounds like it is coming to a natural end anyway, so there is no need to do anything with the shower.

If you haven't had MH issues then you won't know how difficult it can be to live a normal life, the fact your dd has managed to overcome her ED and is working and living life normally is a big achievement for her. Maybe it would be kinder to celebrate those things as well, and not simply highlighting how difficult she is, I am sure you are not the easiest person to live with either.

Every story has two sides, and I would love to her side of this.

Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 13:26

Dowser Thank you. I too am shocked. All I wanted was some helpful suggestions, which I now have and will act upon. But some Mumsnetters seem to love a character assassination and are far too invested in other people's lives.

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 09/09/2019 13:26

the thought of MY mother sleeping with her boyfriend next door turns my stomach, and I wouldn't like it in my family home, absolutely not. Yuck is definitely a word I would use, and that was the polite version

And you claim to be 47? Or was that somewhere between 4 and 7?

C8H10N4O2 · 09/09/2019 13:29

DD is living subsidised in a two bed flat with exclusive use most of the time.

For the 4 times a year this happened she can either shower in the evenings, use the hand shower or take herself off to a hotel at her expense using the money she saves being subsidised for the rest of the year.

She is 34 not just leaving school or college.

Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 13:34

Sailing enough already. Of course there's always two sides to a question. DD would no doubt have a different POV but you are stuck with mine. Sorry. Not sorry.

Squatters moving in? What planet are you on? Did you miss the point that I would live in the flat more if she wasn't there? As an adult of course she has friends who support her. What led you to believe she hasn't? Just because her father is not on the scene and her sister has her hands full with her own family DD is not alone when I'm not there.

I also have mental health problems and more than understand and empathise with my DD's situation. I have been the one who has helped her cope with her ED so stop with the guilt tripping and trolling. Can I say with respect you sound a horrid person.

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 09/09/2019 13:35

So Sailing - how about if the OP dumps the boyfriend, moves back here permanently so she can spend "quality time" with her DD, buys another home or rents whatever (her problem) and gifts her flat to her DD? Whilst still paying for the cleaner obvs.

Would that be enough?

Littlechocola · 09/09/2019 13:35

Your daughter is lucky to be living in your home. She doesn’t seem to appreciate this.
She needs to accept that it is YOUR home.

Absolute no to her coming in to your personal space while you are there. You may not mind but it is not fair on your partner.

She uses the bathroom or finds somewhere else to live.

popsadaisy · 09/09/2019 13:35

She's being cheeky. You aren't stopping her from having her shower so I don't see her issue. I would tell her that you don't think her request is reasonable because of x, y and z and if she really doesn't like it then perhaps she could find somewhere else to rent?

Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 13:36

And you claim to be 47? Or was that somewhere between 4 and 7?
LOL C8HI0N4O2

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 09/09/2019 13:37

Dishing Just what I was thinking of doing! Not.

OP posts:
Rainonmyguitar · 09/09/2019 13:37

I suggest you put yourself in her shoes, she is alone in the UK without a parent (Unless her father lives nearby and supports her) you have said nothing of this so far, so she is on her own and managing the place well by your own account. If you were renting it out elsewhere you couldn't stay at all

I think you've made a mistake. The daughter is 34! You seem to think it's someone very young, a teenager.

Paintedmaypole · 09/09/2019 13:39

sunshinesupermum for some on MN the parents (or more so PIL) of adults are always in the wrong. I wouldn't do anything drastic to change things, just tell her that she will have to shower in the evening or have a bath/ use the hand held shower.

mamaoffourdc · 09/09/2019 13:41

I think the answer is put a shower in over the bath - that should be your cost as you keep pointing out that it is your flat!

HarryElephante · 09/09/2019 13:42

Can I say with respect you sound a horrid person

Chortle.

sailingclosetothewind · 09/09/2019 13:45

Good luck op, I suspect you are going to need lots of it.

FinallyHere · 09/09/2019 13:47

Carry on coming into the ensuite while we are still asleep

For the record, I really would not feel comfortable with this. It gives the impression that it is you (and DP) using the bedroom that are being done a favour.

DC(34) has forgotten that it is not her flat.

She is right that she should not be walking through the bedroom you share with your DP while you are both still in bed. The answer is not for DP to be up and dressed to her timetable.

Reality check over due.

Rainonmyguitar · 09/09/2019 13:47

I can tell you for nothing your dd's MH aside, the thought of MY mother sleeping with her boyfriend next door turns my stomach, and I wouldn't like it in my family home, absolutely not. Yuck is definitely a word I would use, and that was the polite version

There's no way on earth you are 47, nope, no way!!!!

frazzledasarock · 09/09/2019 13:49

OP said she’d spend more time in her flat in London if her daughter didn’t live there.

And what’s wrong with leaving a flat in London unoccupied occasionally when you go on holiday/visit your partner in Paris?
I’ve left an entire house in London unoccupied when going on holiday or visiting other parts of England very regularly and nothing happened.

OP, in your shoes, I’d be telling my 34 year old daughter to stop using my en-suite whilst my partner and I are in our room and if that’s not suitable to look for a new flat & be out by whenever.

I’d also warn dd that you’re going to be in London a lot more.

My older DC are in their teens and would not dream of traipsing thro my bedroom whilst DP (not their dad) and I were asleep.

And as for not having a partner in your bedroom because your daughter is living under your roof still at the age of 34. Sod that!