AIBU to think some people become even more flaky and selfish after they have kids?

[Hey1256]

Ok so here’s the story, I’ve now lost a few friends over the years because prior to their pregnancies the friendship was mainly one way to start with. I would always instigate meet ups, I would always be the one to travel to see them because a half hour journey to most of my friends seems to be the other side of the world.

After their babies arrived I don’t hear from them, they cancel meets and NEVER want to travel anywhere.

Now, please don’t misunderstand what I’m trying to say - I totally get that when you have a child it is the priority and things become more difficult. But does it really mean you don’t care about anyone else enough to see how their life is going or want to see them, ever?

Fast forward a few years and quite a few of my other friends are having babies. One has been amazing, so good despite having the baby she has been making what effort she can which proves that you can still remember friends post baby.

The others I have not heard from them since they fell pregnant. If I don’t reach out to them and ask how they are it doesn’t happen.

Why is it that when some people have kids they start thinking people without kids lives are irrelevant? Not worthy of asking how they are? I know these friends keep in contact with their other pregnant friends. They haven’t wanted to initiate meet ups.

Anyway, it’s made me really upset. Do I just have shit friends? Why don’t people value social relationships anymore particularly once they have a child?

I’ve really had enough. Is it time to make new friends?

I think it's the other way round actually.

Why is it that when some people have kids they start thinking people without kids lives are irrelevant?

People without children frequently seem to think that those with children have irrelevant lives. They are not interested in talking about children, as they haven't got any.

I know that my friends without children were not terribly interested in me once I had them. I was really surprised by this.

And may be it is time to make new friends, OP.

Or show some interest in the children and lives your new parent friends are leading. Maybe you already do - but none of mine did, to be honest.

It's a tricky one.

When I had DS I was desperate to connect with other mums because I was on mat leave and was looking for people to spend time with when everyone was working and who understood what I was going through. I felt as though my non-child friends didn't make much effort to keep up with me as their lives were still the same, they worked full time and their weekends were spent with their OHs. Also, when you first have kids it can be hard to get out at night when other people are free.

Have you tried to suggest meeting up and they have said no? It does sound as if the friendships weren't that great before kids came along.

I AM making the effort though this is the point! I message them asking how they are, invite them for coffee and places and I get nothing back.

I'm only happy to do one way friendships for so long, it's not a nice feeling to always be chasing other people.

Some people lose themselves in the stage of their life they are in and have no other interests. This means they struggle and/or can't be bothered with people who are at a different life stage or even following a different path.

They aren’t really giving it much thought And you are. They are exhausted and you are not.

It will need to be mainly on their terms when they have small children - that’s just how it is. But then the children grow up, and voila, friend is back. Just takes time.

I'm trying to start a family and I don't want to become a person that's like - my family are my bubble and forget the rest of the world.

Which is how I feel like they're becoming

I think it's just those friends were never your proper friends OP. I still have the same childless friends I have since before my children were born and have been friends with some of them for over 35 years.

I’ve now lost a few friends over the years because prior to their pregnancies the friendship was mainly one way to start with

They weren't good friends; now they are not good friends who have an extra excuse. YABU to be surprised.

OP just let those life stage friends go. You will end up with a handful of people who regardless of the stage of life they are in and whether it matches yours who will be your good friends.

I always thought my friendships are one way because I'm a go getter type of person that sees no issue driving an hour for coffee to see someone.

No one else seems to feel like this - and the problem is if I don't do this I have no friends!!

Do I need to comfortable with the idea of not having friends perhaps?

That's not my experience at all. I kept all my friends and made new ones. The friends I have are lifers though and I wouldn't let our friendship slide if they went though a period of being flaky or selfish. I am sure I have been over the years. If you value them, persevere. If not, set them free.

I also don't get why they don't want to leave their children with their husbands or partners.

Completely baffles me. Childcare seems to fall on the woman even when couple are together which doesn't help this situation.

Is it because men are totally useless generally speaking or because women get overprotective and attached to the baby to the point where they just don't trust anyone?

I just don't get it. If I have kids I think The father is equally responsible for the child as much as I am assuming we are in a relationship together.

They weren't good friends; now they are not good friends who have an extra excuse.

Exactly this, the kid is a complete red herring. I've known a few people who I thought of as friends, but like your friends they always had an excuse not to meet up. Post kids, we meet up about the same amount, only difference is their excuses for avoiding me aren't as varied.

I also don't get why they don't want to leave their children with their husbands or partners.

Its just an excuse. Similar to "I'm washing my hair that day". If they wanted to go, they would.

I think it’s realky just an excuse if I’m honest. If they wanted to make an effort they would / could.

There is also a certain type of women who validates her whole existence around having children so likes to tell you how much more busy than you she is because she has children.

I am childfree / childless and while the children were small I did try and not tags it personally and not mind if I was making all the effort but several years on I just don’t bother. If I don’t see some friends because of that then so be it.

I am also actively trying to expand my social circle.

Re the not leaving children with the dads. My OH is an amazing dad, very hands on and does more than his fair share but I breastfed and has a baby who wouldn’t take a bottle so I couldn’t leave him. So no not all men are useless.

On your original comment I am that bad friend just now. I have a toddler and I’m 28 weeks pregnant. I’m finding the pregnancy really tough and I’m exhausted. I keep in touch with friends via message/phone calls and apologise to them for not being more present but honestly getting through each day is an achievement for now. I hope they understand, and I do feel guilty to an extent but I just don’t have the energy to do our usual friend things.

OP you should just let them take the lead more. If you don’t see them you don’t see them.

Make an effort with people who make an effort with you.

I have had ill health the last couple of years and found out the hard way that unfortunately many people are only interested in themselves and their own children/family. Sad but true.

When people become parents I think they get tunnel vision and their child is pretty much the only thing they can see. Their sense of entitlement for both themselves and their children seems to sky rocket too in addition to very skewed views, such as:

You don’t know what true love until you have a child

People without children don’t know what tired is

Etc etc, if you don’t have children they seem to view you as no longer on their level.

I’ve, for the most part, not been sad to lose friends to parenting because they become pretty become insufferable. They don’t seem to have personalities anymore and live for their children. A friend of mine recently had a baby and she lives and breathes that child. She can’t talk about anything else anymore and her FB feed is FULL of photo and photo of him.

@JustMe81, sorry I didn't mean all dads are issueless I said generally speaking I don't mean to offend or like I said is it that women get protective and don't want to allow dads to step up. I understand breastfeeding situation.

Also, from what you've said you're being open and honest with you friends and still texting them. I've had not a single text to see how I am. Not a single one.

Also if when I'm pregnant I am struggling to get through the day I would tackle the issue head on and be open with people and apologise so that they know where they stand which it sounds like you've done. This isn't how my circle is

All my friendships suffered when dc were under 4. I’m usually the organiser and I loved seeing all my friends, whether they had dc or not. I was just too tired to maintain a social life and any free time I had, I just wanted to sleep. I did try to keep in touch via message and Facebook. They have all recovered now dc are older. I’m glad my childless friends didn’t ditch me!

It’s a tricky one because pre children I had all the same ideas as you, but having a child has changed me. I do try and make effort with all my friends but it’s difficult sometimes and they want to do things at times and places that just don’t work for me at the moment ( I know my child needs at nap at that time else they will scream the place down etc) . I am now ok with leaving my baby but did find it more difficult than I ever thought I would which completely took me by surprise ( and I do trust my partner completely). Also I am now back at work full time so generally do want to spend my free time with my child. As a parent it does feel like a constant juggling act, and sometimes I do worry about being flaky but I do try my best!

How old are these kids? It could just be the parents are too exhausted to go anywhere or do anything. Sometimes you just have to wait for people to resurface...

@BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay I've let them take lead I've been taking my foot off the gas and I don't get anything which is why I've posted here.

I feel throughout my life most of my friendships are always like this.

It's really getting me down, I feel like I've been unlucky with the circles I've ended up in.

My social life from before kids has suffered.
I had a 12 month age gap, worked evenings, my husband was away 2 weekends a month and my eldest has had health issues. My youngest was breastfed and I couldn't leave him until he was 12 months (as he was a rubbish baby).

My youngest is now nearly two and my life is coming back. I still work evenings so am pretty packed out but those friends who have been understanding are still there now.