AIBU to think some people become even more flaky and selfish after they have kids?

[Hey1256]

Ok so here’s the story, I’ve now lost a few friends over the years because prior to their pregnancies the friendship was mainly one way to start with. I would always instigate meet ups, I would always be the one to travel to see them because a half hour journey to most of my friends seems to be the other side of the world.

After their babies arrived I don’t hear from them, they cancel meets and NEVER want to travel anywhere.

Now, please don’t misunderstand what I’m trying to say - I totally get that when you have a child it is the priority and things become more difficult. But does it really mean you don’t care about anyone else enough to see how their life is going or want to see them, ever?

Fast forward a few years and quite a few of my other friends are having babies. One has been amazing, so good despite having the baby she has been making what effort she can which proves that you can still remember friends post baby.

The others I have not heard from them since they fell pregnant. If I don’t reach out to them and ask how they are it doesn’t happen.

Why is it that when some people have kids they start thinking people without kids lives are irrelevant? Not worthy of asking how they are? I know these friends keep in contact with their other pregnant friends. They haven’t wanted to initiate meet ups.

Anyway, it’s made me really upset. Do I just have shit friends? Why don’t people value social relationships anymore particularly once they have a child?

I’ve really had enough. Is it time to make new friends?

I can't apologise to my friends for that. They know how tough my life is and that I'll see them at some point

@Longtalljosie some of the kids are unborn, the rest are 5 and under so yes very young.

I still don't see any excuse for not texting someone 'how are you'. How tired do you have to be for your finger to type nine letters?

I guess there was no real point to my thread as there's not really a solution but I need to vent lol. It always help to hear other peoples perspectives and how unreasonable I'm being, if at all.

I just sometimes feel if I didn't have my partner and my own family (siblings) I have no idea what I'd do id feel so lonely.

Also makes me think I'll probably have a few kids so that they don't have to rely so much on the 'outer world' and have each other.

Even just being pregnant is hard enough. After working, eating, doing whatever shit needs doing and trying to keep the house relatively clean, I'm just exhausted.

It's shit but my priority then has to be my husband, any other time I spend hanging out with people ends up very limited (maybe meet someone once a month or so).

It doesn't help that I'm introverted and tbh don't need people that much.

Find some friends that or on the same page as you OP. I get really stressed when I have friends who I feel I have to see so I end up ditching them. Not very nice but I prefer people I can be distant from and not have it affect our friendship much.

I think some (not all) of these parents are more complex than you believe them to be.

Do you genuinely take an interest in their life? What they've been through? Is it really them not taking an interest or the other way around?

I am the first of my friends to have a baby, I tried so hard to avoid the 'she's changed' label by bending over listening to my friends stories about guys they've slept with, office gossip and who was going on holiday where- not trying to belittle anyone but my life became full of responsibility overnight and I felt alone in their company.

All the while in my own life I was dealing with severe chronic sleep deprivation that was leading me into depression, very little money causing me to scrimp, a baby with reflux, a strained marriage and feeling alienated from my friends and their problems.

I remember seeing my friends a week after my baby recovered from a severe lung infection and after just starting work again after a year off. It had been a tough few weeks. Not one of them asked or cared about how she was even though they knew she had been sick. Whilst they were on holidays, getting new boyfriends and having expensive dinners I felt so isolated with my responsibilities. From that meet up I realised I couldn't prioritise these people who had no idea or interest in what I was really going through, so I've pulled away. Have had the odd comment about my 'change' and truth is, I have and now I couldn't give an f about what they think.

So to your message, don't assume it's because they are selfish etc, truth is parenthood is so demanding more than you might realise (Sorry to patronise) but it's likely you've shown to not really get it and that's why they've pulled away. I have some childless friends who do get it and I make the effort for them.

Many parents cease to have a life of their own when the have kids for a while. Especially true if they have no one to support them. Family or friends.

"I still don't see any excuse for not texting someone 'how are you'. How tired do you have to be for your finger to type nine letters?"

If they wanted to, they would.

They just don't want to.

And that's ok. You can't force people to want to spend time with you.

OP, there was a thread on here a little while ago where even the OP's own MOTHER stopped bothering with her because she also had much younger children to deal with

They were already flaky to begin with and the friendships were already one sided, not sure why you’re complaining about them being the same after having children? Sounds like you just need some new friends tbh.

Well, I certainly got busier and more tired after having kids, and probably didn't go out or meet up as often with many people. Perhaps they consider that flaky or whatever, but it seems a pretty natural consequence really.

Difficult one really. I think when I had babies I was absorbed by them and lots of my friendships took a back seat. Some of my friends stopped bothering and vice versus.
Similarly, now my dc are older I don’t care to spend time at friends houses with young children- I prefer we go out and it’s adult led. I think maybe some pick up on that and therefore don’t bother as much?
Friendships evolve, maybe branch out and make some new connections

Also the whole why don’t they leave dc- when mine were little they were breastfed and clingy. Any outing without baby would take a lot of planning and be used for necessities like haircuts or seeing lots of friends at say, a lunch or something. I wouldn’t have left them to grab a quick coffee.
Also when you have a small baby or child and your husband or partner works you tend to make the most of the time you have together as opposed to dividing yourselves up

It's a funny old world isn't it. Maybe parenting is more demanding than I understand it to be, who knows. Hopefully I'll find out one day when I have my own kids.

Though I'm determined to still be a person and not just a parent. I don't mean that in a patronising way to parents but it does appear identity is too often lost on the parenthood journey which is why I think people are like this.

The 'parent guilt' creeps in which is why people give up their lives literally, thinking it's the healthiest way to raise children.

I see it amongst some of my circles, they become judgmental when someone leaves their baby at home and isn't glued to them as just one example.

I think people lose sight of 'happy parents = happy children'

I'm starting to sound bitter lol it wasn't my intention, just being honest I guess and don't really have anyone else to talk to about this for obvious reasons!!

not trying to belittle anyone but my life became full of responsibility overnight and I felt alone in their company

FFS here we go with the patronising comments. This is exactly the attitude that gives parents a bad name. Because the childfree have no responsibilities, no pressure, no mental health problems, no stress. OP you can't reason with this kind of parent. They think they're special and that you're beneath them because you don't have children. Luckily there are also parents out there who don't have this attitude problem and see you as 'equal but different' - these are the ones who it's worth making the effort with.

They may not have the emotional or mental energy left to start a conversation. It is not as simple as just saying ‘how are you’. During the only downtime they have they may just want peace and quiet, or not want to engage if they know you are going to ask them to meet up?
Some may just want to stay at home with their kids and not drag themselves an hour away. Don’t take it so personally.

YANBU OP.

I've lost so many friends to the Baby Black Hole. I get - I really really do - that their lives have changed immeasurably, probably far more than they'd ever expected but I am incredibly frustrated at how even the tiniest amount of effort can't be made. Would it be so hard, when we meet and we're chatting, to ask me how my life is going too?

And yes, I know it's not forever: the kids will grow older and not be so all-consuming but I've found that friends don't always come back. Some of my friends seem to have formed an entirely new social circle that is made up of only the parents from our previous social group. I am baffled as to what it is about the child-free amongst us that we aren't included any more (and I don't mean child-centric things like outings to soft play, I mean an afternoon in the local pub garden etc) but it's incredibly hurtful to feel excluded.

All relationships take effort to maintain and I entirely accept that there's going to be a significant imbalance in how much effort my parent friends can afford, but there needs to be some. Because otherwise I just end up quietly withdrawing and writing off the friendship because I'm not going to keep on trying when I get nothing back, not even an acknowledgement. And, just occasionally, friends who completely dropped me when they had children express surprise that - when the children are older or marriages fall apart and they've suddenly got more free time - I've moved on and I'm not around any more.

OP you need new friends. I think you know these people weren't great friends to start with. It's not really to do with the children per se, just that it gives them an excuse not to see you.
I have a child and still have plenty of friends who have no children - I still make the effort with them as they do with me.

I remember meeting with a friend when I had 2 under 2 and just thinking 'I have nothing to say, I'm exhausted, my life is a groundhog day of drudgery, I've not been to the cinema or theatre for 2 years, I don't read any more, I don't work, my life is boring to me let alone anyone else'. Not meeting up is not about you, it's about them. Having a baby is a major life event that changes all your relationships forever for better or worse. The only comparable experience I've been through is bereavement. Which sounds like an awful comparison and obviously having a child is a positive experience longer term but in the short term it's like being hit by a bus and it's not surprising there's a few casualties.

"But does it really mean you don’t care about anyone else enough to see how their life is going or want to see them"

In a word...yes

I'm sorry but they don't want to be bothered. If they wanted to keep your friendship they would. I did and have same friends I had in school.

You're being patronising with the whole "a person not just a parent" business.

I'm well aware I'm not just a parent but I choose to spend most of my time with my children because I'd rather spend time with them than anyone else. It doesn't mean I'm a martyr or I've lost my identity.

@CountFosco is this because you didn't have much support or other people to leave the baby with and get some 'me time' or because you didn't want to have any me time?

Just curious because a lot of people say this and perhaps because I'm childless I don't understand it fully.

@AdelaideK I didn't mean to offend and didn't suggest all parents think like this but there are ones that do.

They forget about the person they once were. It is a common area of discussion Post children and not uncommon for people to say they've lost their identity after children.

Again I'm not suggesting a child doesn't take priority I understand this is part of parenting but I know people that get the balance all wrong, not every parent just some.

I don't think you necessarily 'lose your identity.' You just gain a slightly different one.

OP, you think that your company should be more important to your friends than spending time with their children? That's weird.

You have no idea (yet) of the logistics of getting time off from young ones - it's not just 'leave them with dad'. As a pp has said, new mothers have nothing to talk about but children (because their children are everything and consume all their time and thought, as is right and proper at that stage), they have nothing to wear (bodies change with pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding, it takes a while to catch up), they probably have no money (sahm or on mat leave), while they're piddling time away with you over coffee or whatever a small person who really needs them might be crying, and to be honest you'll just want to talk about your clothes, holidays, new men - none of which are in any way relevant to their lives. You might be a lovely person but you don't have what it takes to compete with a small, squidgy little being for whom mamma is the whole world.

@womaninthedark when did I say I feel my company is more important than my friends children?

You've made an assumption that childless people only want to talk about men and clothes? Really??!!