Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think BIL & SIL are CFs and refuse to host them?

474 replies

CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 12:47

My DP is quite shy and reserved. Before we got together he lived (by choice) a quite frugal, simple life - clothes second hand, no expensive hobbies, low paid but low-stress job, never went abroad and just pottered along happily doing his thing.

We met just under 2 years ago. I also don't have any interest in fancy things but my career took me abroad a lot and I earned a fair amount of money, last year I started my own business (in the UAE) and we decided that I'd buy a house in Dubai, he'd leave his job and we'd move over there.

It wasn't until the bitching started that I realised that DPs brothers seemed to find his stability and "little village" lifestyle a means of feeling better about their lives. Both are very money-orientated, keen to buy the latest gadgets and drive fancy cars. Both are up to their eyeballs in debt but live a life of Riley and looked down upon DPs comparatively simple life.

The house in Dubai is lovely, 6 bedrooms which is far more than we need but it was a good investment and it gives us lots of room to host.

Almost everyone has been really supportive but there's been a lot of nasty comments from BIL and SIL, lots of intrusive questions about where my money has come from and lots of little jabs at DP about how he's a "housewife" and "whipped" and a "sponger" who doesn't work (not even true, he works PT for my business now). Sadly a lot of these comments have been behind our backs, or too subtle to call them on out, else I'd have addressed it directly.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is that BIL/SIL have been really judgemental and unsupportive about the whole thing.

HOWEVER, despite the fact that they clearly despise us, they have merrily announced that they're coming to visit. This would mean hosting them and their FOUR children at our house, for 2 weeks, and I have a very strong suspicion that they expect us to pay for all the food, likely a lot of the outings and just generally a lot of their expenses.

It's obvious that they see us as an opportunity for a cheap holiday.

AIBU to tell them we'd be thrilled to see them, and then send them a list of local hotels?

DP is worried because we've had a fair few houseguests (including other family) since we moved here a few months ago and that it'll be hugely offensive to turn them away as we clearly have the space. Plus he loves his nieces and nephews, so doesn't want to penalise them.

OP posts:
Windydaysuponus · 08/09/2019 12:51

Send them details of the going rate for Air B&B in your area and ask when they want your bank details....

MulticolourMophead · 08/09/2019 12:55

Give them a list of hotels/Air B&B's. And don't feel tempted to pay for every meal....

Cheeserton · 08/09/2019 12:57

Or just say 'no thanks'. They've been bloody rude and awful to you both, so I wouldn't worry to much about appearing the same.

Cheeserton · 08/09/2019 12:58

too much*

june2007 · 08/09/2019 12:58

How about saying you would love to come for wk and then here are some places you might like to go onto? 2 wks for 6 peope is a long time. (Particularly where there is already ill fealin.)

Original poster
CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 12:59

And don't feel tempted to pay for every meal

Thing is that they'll likely eat here a lot (we have a housekeeper that does a lot of our cooking Blush) and I can't see how we can not cater for them really without being insanely rude.

OP posts:
Whatsnewpussyhat · 08/09/2019 13:03

Two weeks is far too long! Cheeky fuckers.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 08/09/2019 13:03

I don’t think I’d have them to stay when they’ve been so rude about you.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/09/2019 13:04

I can't see how we can not cater for them really without being insanely rude. Erm... they've already been insanely rude to you and your DP.

As the house is yours, the business that earns your household money is yours YOU can quite easily tell them that, after months of their snide remarks they are simply not welcome in your home.

Your DP can then just smirk and tell them he can do nothing about it, your house, your decision.

Sod them! It's not like they will stage and intervention and come and resuce him!

Whatsnewpussyhat · 08/09/2019 13:04

Also if you do this now it will become their annual holiday.

MulticolourMophead · 08/09/2019 13:04

You don't necessarily have to push the boat out, though. You can discuss meals with your cook and keep it cheap/simple. Don't get pushed into paying for anything outside the house eg meals, attractions, etc, it's not up to you to bankroll them.

MyNewBearTotoro · 08/09/2019 13:04

If you do agree to host them I would be very clear that you will need them to contribute. I’d try to put them off the full two weeks and let them know it won’t be a cheap holiday by warning them that Dubai is quite expensive and that they’ll need to budget s lot of spending money for taxis and days out. Say you and DP will be working so won’t be able to join, which will stop any thoughts that you’ll take them on days out or be paying for it. I’d also say that you’ll need them to transfer £x amount into your account as obviously hosting 6 people for 2 weeks will be expensive in terms of food, and ask them for that before you go. Send them links for airport transfers etc before they book - basically make it very clear right away you won’t be paying for their holiday or running around after them.

Hopefully once they realise all this it’ll put them off visiting!

Shakirasma · 08/09/2019 13:05

Who have you hosted previously, how long did they stay and what was the financial arrangement? Use that to work out what is and isn't a reasonable expectation.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 08/09/2019 13:05

Just tell them it doesn’t suit you! You could also say that dh isn’t happy with them visiting because of their attitude to him in the past and how they have spoken to him.

Why should you pussyfoot round their feelings when they don’t care about yours?

CalmdownJanet · 08/09/2019 13:06

I guarantee if you say "Brilliant, it will be lovely to see you!! We are finding our feet with this hosting business but after our last few guests the norm seems to be that guests contribute €100 per person per week towards food, this does not include alcohol. Days out are obviously covered yourselves and meals out we all pay our own way. We are happy with this too and think it's fair on everyone"

Sit back and see how long it takes them to cancel

MulticolourMophead · 08/09/2019 13:06

And actually, I like CuriousaboutSamphire's post. Don't feel like you need care what they think of you, they clearly don't give a shit about you already.

MyKingdomForBrie · 08/09/2019 13:06

Just be honest with them. You know what they've been saying so just tell them you are not comfortable to have them in your house when they have such vile opinions to share about your DP.

BarbariansMum · 08/09/2019 13:07

Well if you do think of him as an equal in the relationship then you'll have to allow him an equal say. Personally I'd go along with it bit let him do the hosting work. It will give him a chance to spend time w his nephews/nieces and, as you live so far apart, the reality is that you can have very little to do with them for the vast majority of your lives.

Original poster
CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 13:10

Who have you hosted previously, how long did they stay and what was the financial arrangement?

DPs parents - 2 weeks
DPs cousin, his wife and their 2 children - 5 days
My Mum, her husband and their 2 children - 12 days
A group of my close friends (6 of them total) - 10 days
3 x DPs friends - a week

We've generally provided a good proportion of the food but they've always split the meal bills evenly. I covered a lot of my family's costs when they visited, but they're on a low income.

OP posts:
Sewrainbow · 08/09/2019 13:12

Say "it'd be lovely to see you but you'll need to contribute x amount for you to stay with us or we can send you details of good hotels..."

Both ways you win if they pay (and state it should be upfront) you can cater for them, if they're mortally offended then they won't come and you won that way Smile

NoSquirrels · 08/09/2019 13:12

Who have you hosted previously, how long did they stay and what was the financial arrangement? Use that to work out what is and isn't a reasonable expectation.

This. But also this is good from CalmDownJanet:

"Brilliant, it will be lovely to see you!! We are finding our feet with this hosting business but after our last few guests the norm seems to be that guests contribute €100 per person per week towards food, this does not include alcohol. Days out are obviously covered yourselves and meals out we all pay our own way. We are happy with this too and think it's fair on everyone"

I think I'd go away for 2 weeks - what a shame their dates coincide with your business trip/vacation etc. Of course the housekeeper is also away on those 2 weeks so as long as they are happy to buy and cater for themselves ...? Grin

Or what a shame that those dates coincide with when you've already agreed to host your friends (a family of at least 5) so there is no room?

GloGirl · 08/09/2019 13:12

Nicely, you are being a little unreasonable. They sound really terrible and obnoxious but the children are his family and if their parents are so gross it would be nice to build a better relationship with them.

As above really good clear boundaries would help

"So and so has mentioned a list of possible dates for you to visit the UAE, it's not been explicit, did you mean you are asking to stay here? Youd be welcome of course although we cant manage guests for longer than Y days. I recommend Z accommodation if I have understood wrong, my apologies."

And as above, agree to simple terms with your cook on manageable menus, a certain portion of the meals specified in advance that would be out of the house and make clear they're not for you to arrange or pay for.

"I have a rough idea for a plan for the week that has worked well for other UK visitors, arrive on Monday and settle in. DH can show you round on Tuesday and we can have dinner at home. Wednesday and Thursday we have work to manage but you will have access to X car or I can recommend B taxi and 1,2,3 day trips out and you and the kids might enjoy going out for dinner at 4,5, or 6.

At the end of our work week on friday wed love to host a large meal at home and you can fuck off on Saturdsy."

Original poster
CaptainObviousTwo · 08/09/2019 13:13

Why should you pussyfoot round their feelings when they don’t care about yours?

It would undoubtedly create a lot of tension at family meetings, plus DP is too nice. And he loves his neices and nephews and we don't want to spite them.

OP posts:
Jollitwiglet · 08/09/2019 13:14

Why do you care what they think when they have been so rude to you?

TheCatsACunt · 08/09/2019 13:15

We decided that I'd buy a house in Dubai

He works PT for my business

Point out that you’re already funding their brother so can’t possibly support ALL of them.